Fighting Forbidden Feelings - Snarry
by Enigmatix
Summary: SLASH - A teacher loving a person when that student in particular is the famous Harry Potter who is prepared to do anything to get the man he loves to desire him as much as he wants him to: forceful kisses and caresses? Love runs deep.
1. Chapter 1

Bright, huge green eyes stared back at him, eyes captivated with shards of innocence that was coloured by dark experiences and torment. His wavy, dishevelled hair gave him the look of a rogue, someone who had set out in life to tackle anything roughly, brave the odds and fight the unknown with a flick of a wand. And he had done just that. He had defeated the Dark Lord and had fought a tiresome battle and had won. Here Harry sat once again in front of him and all he could envisage was the lanky, pompous and conceited boy he had known for over five years. But there was a bit more now that was added to the deep green eyes.

Something behind those eyes flickered with fear and yet excitement of somehow discovering a dangerous and terrible thing. Snape wondered if the thing Harry was thinking about was exactly what he was pondering on and his hands began to tremble slightly. After all these years had he finally figured it out? Had Harry finally found out what lay behind the shadowed veil of loathing and disgust that had torn them apart all these years? Snape watched him with anxious eyes, black tunnels that were once empty were now filled with a growing light that was becoming brighter as the green ones penetrated them.

'Harry Potter, I thought I'd never see you again.'

'So did I.'

Snape didn't allow his eyes to register any sort of emotion that would give him away. Trying as he could to keep himself fully composed, he knew that if Potter took one or even two full steps towards him, he'd lose self control. It had been years; five years and counting since they had last seen each other face to face. Both of them had changed tremendously and with the time that lapsed between them, either took in the other without giving away any expression.

It was Harry who began to reminisce on the man he had known years ago. This person standing before him was the very same but yet many things had changed. Snape no longer looked extremely cold and pale but there was slight colour to his skin that gave him a warm, tanned glow. Maybe it was the continuous stress that was entwined with Voldemort's doings that had made him appear pasty and evil. That was no more. Snape looked different from when he had last seen him. And his hair had grown a little way below his shoulders. He suddenly envisaged his fingers running through Snape's hair, down his neck and beneath his crisp blue shirt.

And the man was wearing a shirt, nonetheless blue but not black. What a sight it was to see him dressed in black jeans as well with his hair grabbled up into a ponytail that hung limp behind his neck. But yet, although there were visible changes to him, something else was different that Harry just couldn't place his finger on at the moment. Something about his face was different, or was it the fact that he had not seen him for years that he had forgotten how Snape looked? No it couldn't be that. He never forgot how Snape looked. Many would have, but Harry never did.

'What is it that you want?' Snape asked and Harry allowed the sound of his voice to soothe his mind, allowing the sensation it produced to travel through his body and into his heart that had become bruised from missing that sound and that face.

'I just wanted to see you again.'

Snape wanted to say the same. He wanted so much to tell Harry how he had missed him and had grown depressed over not seeing him for all these years but he just couldn't gather the strength to say it out loud. Of course, at that moment, what he wanted to do was just sit back and allow the sight of Harry to leave an imprint in his mind forever. He observed how he had gotten taller, but not stocky like James Potter. He was leaner and slender with well muscled arms and only God knew what else was hidden under that t shirt. His hair, although dishevelled, looked very proper to Snape, something that used to anger him whenever he would look at Harry. Back then he couldn't look at Harry and not see James. But he had grown to love the boy for who he was and not for him being like his father in any way.

Harry was nothing like James. There was a big difference in the James he loathed and the one boy who had developed into a man whom he had grown to fall deeply in love with. Nothing more had to be said about it from there. Loving Harry for so many years, from the time he was in fifth year had been torturous for him. It was like trying to pull a hat out of a basket filled with snakes without having a wand. And yet, he had made that wrong choice by believing if he purposely turned his feelings against Harry, he could have gotten over him. How stupid had he been to believe it would have worked.

'Where have you been all these years? Many of times I have searched and never found you', Snape said with his eyes on Harry's.

'Well you couldn't have searched hard or long enough. I have always been around.'

'In Godric's Hollow?'

'I live here', Harry said waving a hand around. 'Just two corners from here actually.'

'Greg's Inn?'

'Yes the very same.'

'But that's just impossible. I would have seen you around for sure.'

Harry smiled then sighed. 'I've been busy working, Snape. An Auror's job is never done.'

'Well stated. How have you been?'

'Great actually. My job keeps me occupied. What about you? I saw you a couple of times from a distance but never really cared to bother you.'

And Snape felt his heart twinge to think that Harry had seen him around and never bothered to greet him.

'I wouldn't have minded.'

'After the war I figured you'd never want to see me again. You know, after living in hell's hole to protect me.' And Harry shrugged but something flickered behind his eyes that he wasn't too quick to hide from Snape. 'I missed you though. Guess I never really got around to saying thanks for everything you did for me.'

Snape's eyes, being sharp like they had always been for years, didn't miss the look behind Harry's eyes. It was something that he couldn't decipher at the moment. Trying as hard as he could to read Harry's expression as they conversed, he could only detect a bit of the same playfulness Harry had always had in him coupled with a mixture of friendliness and compassion. As much as he wanted to be thankful that Harry had taken time to find him to say he appreciated what he had done, there was a lot more that he had expected. For the moment, nothing was happening.

'That's perfectly alright.'

'But that's not all I came here to tell you', Harry said and Snape felt his chest tighten.


	2. Chapter 2

*Hey, as usual, if you are a regular reader of my stories, you should know that I usually start off by giving you a brief scene where I create the end of the plotline. Then the chapters that follow are from the past. I lead you up to the first chapter by telling my story and that's just what I'm going to do. I promise this sequel wouldn't be long. Pretty please bear with me. And PLEASE SEND ME REVIEWS!

(Fifth Year Hogwarts)

(Grimmauld's Place)

(This first part is from Snape's point of view)

I remembered the first time I fell in love with him. Dear God it was strange and utterly confusing but it did actually happen. There I was standing in the hall after one of our most delightful meetings of the Order and our eyes met briefly. He was standing on the topmost veranda with his usual gang of trouble makers, idlers and the brilliant Ms. Granger whose answers in class would set my teeth on edge. I barely could make out his face, let alone the rest of his body in the dimly lit house, but that was all that I needed to see. Those eyes, although from this distance I couldn't see the colour of them, registered amusement and brief compassion for just a minute and then it was gone. What replaced it was the look of tremendous hate and a deep desire, I would presume, to set me afire by just looking at me.

'Severus, are you staying for dinner?' Mrs. Weasley asked to my immediate right and I hesitated a bit on my answer.

I was still looking at him and then gathering myself together (for goodness sake!), I diverted my eyes to Molly and expressed my deepest apology in denying her offer. I didn't want to linger around any longer, especially with how I was beginning to feel about the person now glaring at me with cold eyes. It made no sense to me at that moment as to what had graced my mind to bring about me believing Potter appeared dazzling in the dimly lit landing upstairs. But what was entirely clear was that maybe I just hadn't gotten that much sleep the previous night, and needed a good rest. I believed I had just experienced the early signs of becoming utterly mad.

But to my dismay, when Remus swung the front door open, we were presented with a dreadful sight. There was a heavy thunderstorm outside, raging on with ease and without a care in the world that dear me, a poor man in a house, just needed to get out of there. He just needed to get very far away from Grimmauld's Place. In short, he wanted to escape from Harry's piercing stare.

I decided to wait awhile with the hopes of this spiteful storm not having the intentions of lasting a mere five minutes more. Of course Kingsley, Tonks and Moody had to be on their way without hesitation. And if you had brought it to my attention then that maybe I could have just apparated outside and be on my way, I would have suddenly remembered I could. But for that moment, something held me back and so I waited, sitting in the kitchen. Smiling, Molly was pleased to serve me dinner. Taking the newspaper into my hands, I briefly scanned the front page for the fourth time that day, choosing not to indulge in Lupin and Sirius' idle romantic conversation.

'What a thing to say to your lover, Sirius', Lupin was saying and he brushed his thumb over his Sirius' lips, 'that I am shabby?'

I nearly choked on my spoonful of chicken soup.

'Oh dear forgive me, I was merely being honest. You didn't allow me to finish. I was going to say you look shabbily sexy.'

Was I to listen to this nonsense? And who in the world would have believed that the two of them would have ended up being downright gay? Of course the Marauder's were always suspected of being this polished weird gang but to believe that all of them ended up being gay except for James? My, were our year messed up. Because if what I had felt for Potter in the hallway just now was to be a new development, then I was doomed with this gay curse as well. Of course I never really had a lover after Lily, well except for a brief fling with Lucius, but that was absolutely all. Here I was, a fully grown man nearing forty, and I was afraid I'd die a bachelor. Dear God, the last time I had sex was...I never had sex!

'And that is why we can't have the two of you together when the children are here!' Molly was saying, waving a wooden spoon in the air. 'You will put thoughts into their innocent heads!'

'Rest assured, Molly, there is nothing that lot don't know.' And Sirius took up his spoon and began feeding Lupin from his bowl. 'Harry!'

And my head snapped up to register Harry standing in the doorway, his dark hair dishevelled and his eyes on me. For a moment I believed that I'd see a glimmer of that look I'd had the pleasure of seeing before, but none of that happened. He just casually took me in then his eyes rested on Sirius who had leapt out from his chair like a dog and was charging towards Harry, with his arms outstretched.

Oh I took in the scene alright. I took it all in as I chewed slowly and wondered how the hell Sirius became such a loving being. First he turned out to be gay and then he had found a heart to love Harry? My how people changed! Just as well as how my feelings were changing for the boy who now came into the room and was looking about for an appropriate seat. I would bet that he was not going to sit next to me and I didn't desire that either but...

'Come sit beside me, Harry', Lupin declared and I watched as Harry took the two of them in, all engaged in each other. He instead came towards me, taking a seat to my immediate right.

He spared one glance at me, greeted me formally with a good night and didn't dare look at me for the rest of the evening.

Never before had it been torturous to have him close by me. As I sat there, I began to feel my neck growing heated beneath the collar of my robe and then my palms became sweaty. Thank goodness I had already finished my soup for if I had to hold a spoon then, I'm afraid it would have slipped from my grasp. Tenderly, I lifted a small roll from the platter and to my dismay, Harry at that moment decided that he fancied having one as well. We both reached out and our hands brushed each other. Immediately at his touch, tiny bolts of electricity moved up my arm and through my body. I believed that I had fully gone loony then.

'Sorry', Harry muttered and he held back his hand so that I could take the roll first.

Being the gentleman I was (oh yes I was a gentleman), I gestured for him to take one first and so he did. With his green eyes on mine, he reached out and did so, then glanced down at his bowl and proceeded to eat his dinner. I felt like a stupid fool.

What was happening to me? Was I falling for Harry Potter? Merlin's Beard I'm afraid I have a most terrible defect that only decided to present itself to this date. I chose to stuff my mouth with bread and stare at a scratch on the wall in front of me. This couldn't be happening. Just last week I was complaining about his utter insolence, arrogance and hell bent choice of breaking the rules to Dumbledore. He had assured me that I was merely being too farfetched and what I needed was to give dear Harry a chance.

Had the old man placed some spell on me? I would never put it past him to do anything to get his way. Maybe I drank something terrible that day that was interfering with my usual self hatred towards Potter. But at that time I couldn't feel any hatred for him whatsoever! Try as I might, the more I thought of him and realised he was sitting next to me, less than a foot away, my poor heart just thumped more.

'...Severus?' Arthur was saying and I turned to look at him, afraid my eyes were far too distant and not entirely focused.

'I'm sorry?'

'I was asking if you had any chance to mention to Malfoy that he is utterly arrogant and a shame to the wizarding world.' And Arthur laughed.

'I hadn't the opportunity to relate that to him, Arthur. I assure you I'd find great pleasure in giving him such a compliment but sadly...it hasn't escaped my lips as yet.'

'But you'd find it easy to comment on his lovely sleek blond hair, wouldn't you Snivellus?'

I turned to Sirius and glared at him. Of course Sirius never put it past him to always suggest that I was always gay. He'd find pleasure in humiliating me in front of the Order in not being able to find a companion in life as yet. To him, I'd be a better person if I just got the opportunity to be shagged by some desperate woman who found Death Eaters seriously sexy. I would merely remind him of the time when I caught him humping Lupin's leg and then he'd shut up, red in the face, and waving his hand around as if trying to disperse such ridiculous comments about him.

'Black I am always amused at how you would never cease to display your antics in front of an audience', I said smiling widely.

He smiled back and like he always was, he continued. 'What does Death Eater to Death Eater love feel like?' he asked and if Remus had not told him to shut up, I would have tackled him to the floor.

The entire Order knew about my past with Lucius, of course, because Sirius had caught us having dinner in a restaurant we believed was not so famous. Just as we were about to briefly kiss, he had walked in and had the pleasure of observing it all.

I watched as the Weasley children all looked from me to Sirius. Ms. Granger almost dropped her spoon as well. Molly and Arthur both glared at Sirius and Harry, well he just stopped eating and swallowed hard, his eyes fixed forward. How I wanted to kill Sirius, whip my wand out and shut him up but I couldn't do that in front of my students, especially Harry. It would make me look more like a fool. Instead, I just got up, gathered my robe around me a little tighter and announced that I was leaving. I couldn't stay there any longer because of the tension in the atmosphere. I couldn't stay also because of how I was feeling about Harry and how I wanted to mangle Sirius.

'Goodbye, Sir', the Weasleys said as well as Ms. Granger.

'You don't have to leave, Severus', Molly urged but I assured that it was late and I needed to get home.

Lupin bid me farewell, a hand on Sirius' mouth and Arthur did the same. Harry didn't say a word.

oOoOoOoOoOo

(Harry's point of view)

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Honestly if you just did hear the same thing I did, you would have been left speechless too. Considering what I was thinking of at that exact moment, I think that anyone would have felt their heart stop. Oh my God, did Sirius just ask what he did? I looked over at him with my eyes wide from shock and he just casually gazed at me. What was he talking about? Sirius never lied to me and I don't think he would have asked such a stupid question that he made up at the spur of the moment. And there I was wondering if Snape had indeed slept with Lucius Malfoy.

Now earlier that evening when the Order meeting was over, I remembered standing on the landing with Ron, Hermione, Ginny and the Weasley twins. I remembered looking down into the crowd which consisted of Tonks, Lupin, Sirius, Kingsley, Moody, others, and then there was Snape. He immediately stood out from all the rest, on my side, for one simple reason. I hated him.

That would seem self explanatory right? But if I did explain to either Ron or Hermione how I was truly feeling, then they'd see how complicated it was. Not only did I hate Snape for having made my time so far at Hogwarts miserable, but I also hated him for one stupid, crazy, and senseless reason. He was too damn sexy for his own good and stupid me was becoming seriously attracted to him.

I hated myself for loving him that way.

I hated the fact that, as I stood there looking at him converse with Tonks, he only reminded me of how confused he had made me become about my sexuality. What was he doing to me that made me become so jittery whenever I saw him? I hated it!

I didn't want to be gay for Heaven's sake!

How would that look on the front page of the Daily Prophet?

_**'Harry Potter has indeed become the 'Chosen One' folks! We are pleased to announce to you that the boy is utterly gay! He's so fruity! And we are all wondering if on that very night that Voldemort tried to kill him, he somehow transferred a little too much into the baby boy. Is he damned for life?'**_

So I had brushed it all aside and chose to glare at Snape when our eyes met because of how I was feeling. How dare he stand there and tempt me like that? Oh gosh, look how stupid I'm sounding now!

And so when I entered the kitchen to have dinner and I saw him sitting there, I wanted to just turn around and head out back. I didn't want to be in the same room with him because something about him was affecting me so deeply. There was something about him that was making me become afraid of actually confusing myself about my sexuality and I didn't want it to continue. How could I have moved from hating Snape for all these years to actually finding myself falling in love with him?

And even as Lupin suggested I sit next to him, I didn't want to. Everyone knew he and Sirius were in love with each other and I didn't want to intrude. Instead, I allowed my feet to take me near Snape. It was until I was seated that I realised where I was and wanted to get up but of course I didn't. I told him good night. Our eyes met and for that brief second, there was something in his eyes that I could have sworn was not hatred. I saw compassion and his emotions were so open to me that I was surprised at it all! Trying to find a word, I had to say that (in Ginny's words) I had become bewitched. I don't know how, I don't know why but he just changed me somewhere inside. For me being a boy you'd say what sissy shit is that, but when it came to love, even the famous Harry Potter found himself acting silly and delirious.

The soup was good. Mrs. Weasley was a good cook, no one could doubt that but my throat felt a bit too dry. Making a terrible mistake and misjudging myself as usual, I reached to take a roll. When Snape's hand brushed mine, oh gosh, I swear that my gut felt as if it had been lit on fire. His hand was extremely soft and his skin so smooth that when my hand brushed against his, I wanted to just let the feeling last. My eyes were just focused on his fingers for quite some time until I found my tongue and apologised. He gestured for me to take my roll first and I did and then it brings me to what Sirius asked him.

Was Snape really gay?

I watched him from the corner of my eye and saw that he was trying to compose himself as he glared at my Godfather. But nothing was revealed in his face as to whether he was affected by the question. However when he did get up and said that he was leaving, I knew something was wrong. Glancing at Ron who had gone red in the face and at Hermione who had somehow gone sheet white, I narrowed my eyes at them. I was trying to send them a message as to ask 'what's up with that?' but only Ron shrugged and diverted his eyes to look at Snape. I watched Snape as he gathered his robe around him, with those slender hands and beautiful slim fingers and then he glanced at me.

_Are you really gay?_ I found myself thinking as I stared at him and then he turned and was gone.

What if he was gay? Did that mean something? All I could think about was that it was a coincidence that that very afternoon I had suddenly become confused about my sexuality all because of him. And now I had somehow found out that he probably was gay. What would you make of that? Honestly please tell me what you are thinking when I tell you that the Harry Potter you have known for so long as being somewhat sane and straight is now actually thinking of shagging Snape.

And so, when Lupin and Sirius began to get really intimate at the table, I watched as Ron, Hermione, Ginny and the twins got up and so did I. But as we were climbing the stairs, I lied to them all and said that I had forgotten to ask Sirius something. They listened and continued up the stairs and I went back down. I did not turn to the kitchen's direction though. Instead, I turned the other way and headed down the dimly lit hallway and towards the parlour.

Of course I was somehow expecting to see him there so I should not have been shocked. But naturally, I was.

There he was sitting in the dark upon a dark red sofa and from where I was standing, I could just see his head. His black hair hung like a curtain at the back of his head and I suddenly realised how it had grown a little longer since the last time I had seen him. I all of a sudden wanted to walk up to him and touch his hair. I wanted to feel what it felt like between my fingers. How would his neck feel under my fingers if his hand had felt so soft? Oh God! What was I thinking? I took a deep breath and shook it all off then decided that I'd turn around and go back upstairs.

But as I turned, I bumped into some stupid wall cabinet and the ornaments began to rattle. Snape turned around and looked at me, his eyes wide with shock.

'Potter!' he exclaimed getting up, 'you startled me!'

'I'm sorry!' I said rubbing my knee and blushing deeply.

I watched as his eyes took in me rubbing my bruised knee then he looked me in my eyes. His expression changed from shocked to becoming a bit soft and I then realised that for the entire evening, Snape had not thrown me a hateful glance. There was such sincerity in his eyes, something was there mixed with exhaustion as well. I began to back out of the room, wanting to get away.

'Do tell me why you are here, Mr. Potter', Snape said and even before I could make up some excuse and just leave, he turned around with his back to me again and I was left to have this silent internal debate.

In the end, I again found my feet leading me inside the room and I sat in the chair facing him.

'I was just taking a walk around the house.' How stupid that sounded!

'You really enjoy walking around at night don't you, Mr. Potter?' Snape asked and I actually smiled. He was so right.

'Well I like sometimes to have some time alone.'

'So do I.'

I watched him and wondered if he was asking me indirectly to leave but he wasn't looking at me. He was fingering the hems of his robe idly.

'_Mr. Potter'_, I continued for him and he looked up at me.

'I beg your pardon?'

'You forgot to refer to me as Mr. Potter after you just spoke', I said.

'And you forgot to address me as Sir from the time you came in here.'

'I am not in school.'

'How observant you are.' And he actually smiled.

'So you can't take points or give me detention.'

'Don't push it.'

'I was just stating the facts, _Sir_', I said smiling as well.

I watched as the look of hatred I had grown used to all these years graced his face and then he looked away. His features were shadowed and from where I was sitting, I could make out his lips and all I could think about was how he kissed. Did he ever kiss Lucius? Did he have a girlfriend or a wife that I didn't know of and I wondered, had he ever made out with another man? Had those hands touched another man and how would his fingers feel if I held his hand? Would he ever hold my hand or touch me?

'I don't like when people try to humiliate me, _Mr. Potter_', he said still not looking at me. 'Are you trying to make a joke of me like what your Godfather was trying to do?'

'You never answered his question, Professor.'

Snape looked at me for a long time before he did answer and within that space of time, I could have sworn that I saw something more in his eyes. You know when you are talking to someone and you mistakenly mention something terrible to them and something moves behind their eyes? It looks like a curtain that was drawn had suddenly been lifted lightly by some sort of wind? Well that was what I saw behind his eyes. I saw something move and then I allowed myself to become mesmerised by his gaze, not having the slightest clue if he was feeling the same too.

oOoOoOoOoOo

(Snape's point of view)

The way he was staring at me made my chest tighten and I found it extremely hard to breathe. There he sat, after having stumbled into my presence (after how I was feeling about him) and he was trying to make a mocking stock out of me. On normal days I would have retorted and argued but I didn't feel like on this occasion. As shocking as it may seem, I desired nothing more than for us to just sit there staring into each other's eyes in silence. I admit that it was absolutely weird that I found pleasure in such an activity but his eyes were captivating. His face was so alight with mischief and it amused me to actually have him sitting there, quite unaware of what I was thinking of him. If he only knew how I wanted to ravish him, caress his face and kiss him hungrily.

My throat became parched at such thoughts and I forced them out of my mind. How dare you, I asked silently. How dare you fantasise about your own student you wicked man? And so I lowered my deranged eyes and broke the intense connection that our eyes had made. I believed half an hour had gone by since Potter had entered the room but having checked my watch, I stood corrected as such an assumption. An hour had passed. Yet it continued raining. The thunder continued rumbling outside and the sky streaked itself with lightening. And still I didn't want to answer him.

'I never answered his question because I chose to, Mr. Potter', I said wanting to rid the conversation of all formalities and speak on casual terms.

(What was wrong with me?)

'Well that's obvious. Why didn't you answer it?'

'Why don't you mind your own business?'

'Are you giving in to telling me that maybe you wanted to answer but somehow began to feel guilty, so you got up to leave?'

I stared at him coldly. 'How utterly astonished I am to actually listen to you finally use the brain you were gifted with to come to such a stupid conclusion.'

'A stupid conclusion that makes sense doesn't it? There you sit trying to hide what you are feeling and yet you aren't doing a good job at it, Sir. Only cowards get up to leave when faced with reality.'

'So you're calling me a coward, Mr. Potter?' I demanded harshly because I never liked anyone to call me such a thing, especially Harry James Potter: the boy who I had dedicated my life to protect.

'I am just saying that you should have answered the question instead of leaving everyone staring at you. You just appeared so guilty.'

'And what would make you think I am guilty?' I declared.

He just stared back at me with those intimidating green eyes and like all teenagers do, he continued to torment my soul.

'Oh just how you looked, added to the fact that I always believed you had a thing for Lucius Malfoy. I don't blame you for thinking he's sexy. He is but gosh is he evil. How could you have loved such a stupid, evil, cold man?'

I couldn't believe my ears. I honestly couldn't believe Potter was actually being so courageous in front of me to utter such statements. He was mocking me. He was trying as best as he could to mock me and wanted me to lash out back just for amusement. I was beginning to wish we were within the castle walls so that I could take points from him or give him detention. But sadly, I couldn't do that now. I felt entirely helpless with the situation currently at hand because it had never happened before.

Poor Severus Snape had found himself in situation where he couldn't do anything at all.

Instead, I chose to not answer.

'So your silence declares you guilty doesn't it?' Harry asked like some goddamn lawyer.

I still didn't answer.

Another thing crossed my mind at his recent statement and I just began to ponder on it for quite some time. He had declared Lucius sexy. Straight men would have preferably noted that the man was good looking or favourable tolerable enough to pass as handsome. But he had used the word sexy. Was he...dear God what utter shit was this? I got up, fixed my robe around me properly and took up my coat.

'Good evening, Mr. Potter', I said without even glancing at him.

I waited a beat for him to reply and when he did not, I slid my hands into the sleeves of my coat. Gathering it properly around me, I stalked off along the hall and towards the door. And it was then that the idea of apparition suddenly struck me. Without thinking how stupid I had been to not think of it, I just opened the door and stepped outside.

'So you're going to leave my question hanging then?'

I turned around to find him standing in the doorway, an evil glint in his bewitching eyes.

'What question was that again?'

'Are you gay?' Harry asked me and the word sounded so extraordinarily strange coming from him.

I looked at him, keeping my gaze steady and absorbed his appearance one last time. Dear God when would I see him again? Maybe till school commenced. I don't know how I would cope with myself from this day on, after becoming utterly mesmerised by something in him. He was just a boy: a teenager confused by emotions, busying himself over looking charming enough to catch any girl's eye. What would he want with me? Potter would never consider me. I was too old and mentally twisted with hatred and coldness. Besides, if he wanted, whenever he wanted, he could capture any girl's heart. (And if he was gay he could capture any young boy's heart as well) What would he want with me?

'Good bye, Potter', I said and I disapparated on the spot, just as his mouth had been opening to say something to me.

I wished it could have been three words: 'I love you.'

(Can you please review for me? I really want to know what you think. It was a long chapter but tell me if it was worth the read.)


	3. Chapter 3

*Aw thank you all for the reviews and subscriptions! This is dedicated to the love of my life, Kate. Although we have years between us, it never changes the way we feel about each other. And so, it is my experiences once again that I draw my plotline from. Thanks to her, I know how it felt to love someone and fear that you could never be with them because of the moral beliefs of society. Love should never be held back because of age. Age is just a number. And I'll retreat to say that I made her life a living hell. I know that now. Back then, I didn't know any of it. Do enjoy and please review.*

(Fifth Year Hogwarts)

(Grimmauld's Place, once again)

(Harry's POV)

Two days had passed and I still couldn't believe that he had left me standing there without answering me. I found myself lying in bed half an hour after I woke up every morning just thinking about him. I thought of his smile, a very rare sight to me, and the way he had spoken to me. Never before had he actually been that tolerant of me. In fact, if I had asked him such questions within the school walls, I'm afraid he would have punished me severely for cheek. The way Snape had looked at me and held his gaze, those black eyes focused on mine, it turned my entire world upside down. Not only was I confused now about my sexuality, but I was also wondering if he actually felt the same way for me.

So many things had happened that Wednesday night. There was the look that he gave me when I was standing on the landing, the comment Sirius made, our hands brushing (my hand tingled when I thought of him) and our conversation in the parlour. I wanted so much for Snape to come again to Grimmauld's Place that even Hermione and Ron were noticing my agitation every time I heard the front door open and close. I'd find myself straining my ears, listening for his voice. He didn't come. I even found myself feeling entirely depressed just because I couldn't, for once, gather my feelings together. Many of times before I'd have fought hard to find the answer but this required much more than an answer.

Snape had left me confused and uncertain about whom I really am. And I felt like my life was missing something all the time. On Friday, Mrs. Weasley decided to take us all to Diagon Alley to gather up our school stuff: books, stationary and whatever else we had to get. I told her I just didn't feel like going and persuaded Hermione and Ron to get my stuff for me. They were a bit worried at me staying home and being so down for the past two days but allowed me to do as I pleased. And I thanked them. When they had gone, I went downstairs, sulking as I went.

Sirius and Lupin were sitting in the kitchen but fortunately for me, they were sitting on either side of the table. So I didn't feel as if I was intruding at all.

'Ah, Harry!' my Godfather exclaimed as I entered and he gestured for me to have a seat. 'We were just talking about you. Seems like just the other day your father was here and you were just a baby.'

I strained a laugh and sat down on Lupin's right, facing Sirius who was studying my face. Trying as I might, I forced a smile and avoided his eyes. I felt a bit hungry and reached out for a roll but then my hand froze near the dish and I knew Sirius had seen it all. His eyes remained steady on mine with a puzzled expression on his face and then he glanced over at Lupin who was watching me as well.

'Not hungry, Harry?' Lupin asked quietly and I used that opportunity to force myself to take the roll.

It was like if I could feel the presence of Snape's hand right next to mine as I had reached out on Wednesday night. It was Friday and still my hand, the one he had touched, felt extremely sensitive. The way his skin had felt against mine: so smooth and soft. I believed that the thing that had me confused was how his skin had appeared so soft. I guess I had never really thought of how his skin looked or would feel like before. None of those things had ever bothered me. I never used to wonder how it would feel for him to touch me, or longed for his eyes to meet mine, or even wish that he'd talk to me. Everything was changing and I couldn't keep up. I felt so distraught that things were happening to me and I couldn't figure out the meaning of them all.

Then again, there were many things about myself that I couldn't figure out.

'Harry, we were meaning to ask you. Is there something that you need to tell us?'

I looked at Lupin, trying to pick up what he was talking about. He had to be up to something: had to want to know something. Maybe they both saw what had happened Wednesday night. Maybe one of them had been standing outside the parlour and overheard our conversation. I felt dreadful. On the other hand, I wanted to tell them everything because of course they'd understand me. However, I didn't know how they'd react (especially Sirius) if I told them how I felt for Snape.

'Um, no there isn't anything. Thanks though.'

Sirius threw Lupin a glance and the later shrugged. Then Sirius nodded in my direction, whilst looking at his partner and I knew something was up. They had something on their minds alright.

'What?'

'Go ahead and ask him', Sirius urged Lupin.

'Why don't you ask him?'

'Because it was _your_ idea!'

'Ask me what?'

Alright, I honestly have to say that I knew what they'd ask me. I had this gut feeling.

'Well, we were wondering, we were thinking about it actually and we were wondering if you...' And Sirius trailed away, mumbling inaudibly.

'Are you gay, Harry?' Lupin asked after he had looked at his partner and sighed deeply.

And I wanted to tease them a little, just to lighten my mood. 'What makes you think I'm gay?'

'Well there is this saying that gay men have this inner instinct when it comes to picking up other men's sexualities. It's called a gaydar and what it does is act like a sort of detector. And that's how I picked up Sirius.' And he threw a glance over at my Godfather.

'Actually it was I who picked him up but he is always the one filled with pride so I'll let him have his way.'

'Oh right. Anyway, Harry –'

'You picked me up?' I asked with a smile on my face.

This was awesome! I wondered if I had this inert device.

'Well Sirius did. He picked it up since last year and only went ballistics when you started to moan about Cedric in your sleep. I had to explain to him that maybe you were distraught by it all and was haunted by dreams of him. He on the other hand believed you two had some sort of a fling.'

'And last night, I saw the way you reacted when Snivellus' hand –'

'Sirius! Don't call him _that_ in front of Harry!'

'Alright I saw how you reacted when Snape's hand brushed yours last night. There was this look on your face that both Lupin and I picked up. Of course, no one else would have seen it but us two because we know those sorts of looks so...'

'Are you in love with Snape, Harry?' Lupin asked with his eyes wide and I shrugged.

'I really don't know what happened, seriously. One minute I couldn't stand the sight of him and then he threw me a look and then that happened and –'

'A look?' Sirius and Lupin asked together. 'What the devil do you mean by a look?'

'Well, when the Order meeting was over...' And I told them what had passed between Snape and me.

Sirius slapped his hand on the table top and exclaimed, 'I knew it. I always knew he was gay.'

'No wait a minute. Harry, are you sure that was how he was looking at you? I mean, Severus has this way of studying people at times. His eyes becomes so intimidating that –'

'He gave you a look too?'

'No!' Lupin cried looking at Sirius exasperated. 'I'm saying that since he's a Legilimens, he has this way of looking at you too intensely. Harry', and he turned to me, 'you mustn't jump to conclusions here. Sirius has always suspected him of being gay but there's no solid proof –'

'There _is_ solid proof! I saw him kiss Lucius Malfoy for Heaven's sake!'

'What?' I asked surprised.

Did Sirius just say what he did? I couldn't believe it! Snape had kissed Lucius Malfoy? Oh my gosh I had to be dreaming.

'Sirius you weren't supposed to say anything! That's private and Snape asked you to not relate that to anyone! He wanted to keep it between us!'

'Well Harry has a right to know if he claims Snape threw him a look!'

'Harry, I'm sorry but you weren't supposed to know that. However, thanks to Sirius not being able to control himself from humiliating Snape, you now know. Since he has opened up that way and has made you quite curious as to learning more, I'll ask him to explain what happened to you.'

'No you do the honours', Sirius said clearly disgusted with it all. 'I don't want to say any more that I'll regret.'

'It would never bother you before. Like last night, you didn't seem to be bothered when you wanted to reveal him in front of all the children.'

'I was just angry. He pissed me off earlier by saying that I'm doing nothing for the Order: just sitting my arse here and not being able to help out.'

'That's because you accused him of mating with death eaters, Sirius.'

I would have enjoyed just sitting down and watching them argue affectionately with each other. But I wanted to know more about Snape and Lucius. My mouth started to itch and I wanted to ask question upon question so I kindly asked them to stop arguing like a married couple.

'What happened between him and Lucius?' I asked looking at Lupin because he was the one who seemed to have things under control upstairs (if you know what I mean).

'Well one night Sirius and I were having dinner inside a restaurant in Hogsmeade. We had a secluded booth at the very back because we both didn't want anyone to see us. And so he got up to go get drinks, his hoodie pulled over his head to try to hide his appearance –'

'And don't forget the round rimmed glasses', Sirius reminded him, 'that made me look extra sexy.'

'Well yeah, the glasses too that made him look extra sexy. Well it was then that he saw Snape and Malfoy sitting at a table. Both of them had on their robes of course, looking like two dangerous men who wanted no one to bother them. But dear Sirius here found it quite normal to stare. So he did and caught them just in time when they shared a very heated kiss. And tell him what you did, dear love', Lupin asked of Sirius.

'I went over and said 'Snape? Malfoy?' and they jumped, became sheet white and boy was I glad I had seen them. And so I said 'gee I didn't know you were gay, Snivellus' and he got up quite red in the face, Malfoy became as white as I had ever seen him and they left.'

'He kissed Lucius Malfoy?' I asked with my eyes wide from shock.

'Yes he did and they were together for almost three months. Well I felt really bad at what Sirius had done so at the next Order meeting after that had happened, we had a talk with him. He wasn't really angry at Sirius but he was embarrassed that he had been found out. He assured us that it was all a mistake and he wasn't gay. It didn't work out for them: him and Malfoy: and well we still believe he's gay but that was how long ago, maybe six years ago. So he probably has changed because he was never with anyone else to our knowledge.'

'Well I still think he's gay', said Sirius matter-of-factly.

'Well even if he is, that's none of our concern. It's only our concern if Harry loves him. Do you Harry?'

And because I trusted them, I said yes.

'Are you sure, Harry?" Sirius asked. 'How do you feel about him?'

'I don't know as yet but Wednesday night something else happened. I just felt that I needed to see him again and so I went downstairs to the parlour. There he was sitting and we started to talk. Then when I asked him how come he never answered your question, Sirius, when you asked him how it felt to love another death eater, he told me to mind my own business. Then there was this time when we just started to stare at each other. He was just looking at me and all I could think about was how I loved him. I just wanted him to touch me and to feel what his hand felt like. I don't know, I'm so confused but when he was leaving I asked him if he was gay and he didn't answer me. He just disapparated and left me there. I felt so bad.' And I covered my face with my hands and sighed deeply.

'It's alright, Harry', Lupin said rubbing my back softly, 'love is never straight forward.'

'It was for you two though', I pointed out, my hands still on my face. 'I don't know but I can never seem to get it right with love.'

'That's what you developed from James. He never got it right. He ended up getting your mother by chance until he was almost nineteen and even then he wasn't even sure about love. The thing is, Harry, love is so confusing at times. You can fall in love and get the person you want to love you back alright, but sometimes you don't know where to go from there. After a while you may get bored by them and may want to go back being by yourself. Very few have found what Sirius and I have. We just love being with each other.'

'What happens in most cases, Harry, is that the one person you hate and want nothing to do with is the only person that you can't live without. I've seen it happen and maybe you and Snape are like that. I bet if he went away and out of your life, even when you hated him deeply, you'd still miss him. I just think that it takes time for us to get over hate and somehow, it turns into love, forgiveness or walking away.'

'And for you, maybe it's love', Sirius said. 'Maybe I'll just have to accept him because of you.'

'Just be sure of it that we will support you whatever happens. I just have to warn you though. Don't jump into anything too fast alright? Let things happen. If he does love you and you really love him then things are going to work out just fine. If not, well there are other people who are there for you. Just don't go pushing it because Snape isn't the easy type', Sirius assured me.

'He's very tough, Harry. He's been through a lot: being a death eater for all this time. I never was sure he was capable of loving but it would seem that he is. Just don't push it with him. My advice to you is to just not worry. Whatever happens happens. Just don't be hard on him and when he sees this new side of you, and then maybe he'll open up to you.'

I appreciated the advice alright and I needed some time to digest it all. But one thing I wasn't sure of was why they were actually egging me on in having feelings for Snape. I did understand that they didn't see loving another man as something wrong but there were other things wrong with loving this one person. He was far older than me and he was a death eater. I just couldn't love a spy.

I just couldn't begin to imagine what Voldemort would do to Snape if he found out what I was feeling. Oh how I was scared of it all. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone because I had never been in one before. How did it feel like to have someone love you back and want to be with only you? I wanted to know so badly but I was scared to even think about what would happen if things did work out for Snape and me. It just seemed so impossible.

'Thanks guys, I feel a lot better talking to you two.' And so I did.

But as the evening progressed, I began to feel extremely depressed and I became so angry. I wanted Snape so much that it pained me to think of him. But I knew that I couldn't have him. He'd never want me. I was his least favourite student and I would never stand a chance to win his love. I all of a sudden felt so angry with him that I wanted to make his life a living hell just as he was making mine.

Not long after, however, Hermione and Ron came up with my new school things and I became lost in their talks about shopping. Again they wanted to go to watch a movie at a theatre. I again declined saying that I had the most terrible headache. And they went along without me: them along with Mr. And Mrs. Weasley.

That day went by well until later in the evening when Snape paid Grimmauld's Place another visit.

oOoOoOoOoOo

Clearly I had no intentions whatsoever of teaching Harry Occlumency.

But on Dumbledore's request, I had to sadly admit that he had the upper hand. He was the one who believed he had every right to plan the course of events in my life. Dumbledore sometimes even wanted to interfere with my personal life. Not that I had one. But he'd find it humorous to taunt me on such irksome topics of love and finding true love and keeping true love. Dammit! How many times I had to constantly remind him that I didn't have time for that. I had so many things to do that occupied me daily. My cursed life couldn't fit in the jollies of love. But then again, I was beginning to feel that I'd fit Harry in at any time, just because I well, something was developing within me for him.

And so, I had to agree to teach him because obviously I wanted to protect him. With my utmost assurance of agreeing to do so, it finally dawned on me what the hell I had set myself up with. Not only would I have to be in the same room with him, twice a week. But also, I'd have to teach him how to block his mind from invasion by the Dark Lord. That would mean that I'd have to delve into his very thoughts at first. And I'd actually have to force him to somehow find a way of prevent me from seeing his personal thoughts. That wasn't something I was looking forward to. (As much as I wanted to know what he was feeling about me and thinking about me!)

Dear God, Professor Severus Snape! You are utmost evil! A small smile played upon my lips as I stalked over the freshly mown grass covering the castle grounds and when I was just outside the enormous wrought iron gates, I disapparated with a pop. As soon as I landed on the doorstep of Grimmauld's Place, my heart sank. The last time I had stood here had been on Wednesday night when Harry had questioned me bravely about my sexuality. I had left him without an answer purposely but was quite heartbroken at the expression on his face when I refused to answer. I just couldn't answer him.

As I reached for the door knob it turned on its own accord and the door swung open. I was greeted with the sight of Sirius wrapped warmly in Lupin's arms, sharing a most passionate kiss. Of course, I had seen such bouts of affection before on their behalf but the very sight of them made me think of Harry. And I silently pushed him out of my mind. Composing myself once more, I cleared my throat most audibly and they jumped. With a small smile playing on my lips, I watched them pull away, reaching for their wands in the process.

'Dear God, Severus!' Lupin exclaimed, 'you startled us!'

'Sorry', I said and bounced back lightly on my heels. 'I had no idea.'

'We were, um...how are you?'

'Quite well', I said watching Sirius who was glaring at me...the usual habit of his.

'Why are you here?' he asked.

'I'm here on Dumbledore's orders, sadly. Might we discuss this inside?'

Lupin stepped but Sirius didn't and I must say that I had an urge to tackle him right there and then. His stupid idiotic pride and egotistical behaviour always pissed me off tremendously. Just like James, he'd never cease to anticipate a confrontation with me. It pleased him dearly to see me humiliated and made a ridicule of.

'Sirius allow him to come inside', Lupin urged softly, taking a hold of his hand. And then he whispered a few words in his partner's ear.

I had the unfortunate privilege of being able to catch snatches of what he was relating to Sirius. And immediately my heart rate slowed down because I was most certainly sure I had heard Harry's name mentioned along with Lucius'. As long as those two names were uttered in the same conversation then it couldn't be good: to me. I became utmost confused at the situation before me. What was happening? But before I could ponder on it any longer, Sirius stepped aside and ushered me in, with a glum expression on his face. I decided to allow the puzzled situation to pass by without delving any further into it. It was a delicate situation and I didn't want to disturb the ants' nest.

We went into the parlour and I found myself sitting anywhere else but in the chair I had sat in when I was here before. Too many memories enclosed me by being back in this room. And I wondered, if this was what was happening to me when Harry and I merely spoke to each other...what would happen as the days progressed? I decided to put a stop to such emotions and thoughts and act the way I always did when a situation presented itself that I couldn't handle. I remained ignorant of the fact that I was in love with him.

It seemed like the only way I could gather control of myself. For the time being, I reassured myself that I would avoid every situation possible that would tempt me to think of Harry in _that_ way. To my dismay, I realised that I had already agreed to participate in such a situation that could bring about great pain to me. I had already agreed to teach him Occlumency.

Looking over at Lupin and Sirius, I realised that I had a bit of explaining to do so I proceeded with that. I told them of what Dumbledore had suggested and where I came in. All the while I was observing their expressions to try to pick up anything whatsoever of any hidden motive. At the mention of me teaching Harry, I did detect a slight change in Sirius' expression but he caught himself and fully gained composure once again.

'You are to teach my Godson Occlumency?' Sirius asked haughtily and Lupin nudged him.

'I'm afraid that's so. I must assure you that I find no pleasure in doing so. However, since my best interests are in favour of Potter, I have agreed to do so.' I had to keep on pretending as if I still couldn't stand Harry. However hard it was for me, I'd have to keep up that false barrier for as long as it was required.

'Oh I bet you don't find any _pleasure_ in teaching him', Sirius said sarcastically and with the emphasis he placed on the world 'pleasure' I became slightly convinced that something was definitely up.

What it was, I still didn't know of as yet.

'Are you trying to imply something here, Black?'

Ignoring the nudges from his partner, he once again, (unable to resist from embarrassing me) found it necessary to continue.

'Just keep your hands off Harry.'

'I beg your pardon?'

'Sirius! Stop that!'

'Don't you even think of corrupting his mind with your antics, Snivellus, or else I'll be forced to –'

'Forced to what?' I demanded, springing up with my face contorted in rage. 'How dare you accuse me of such nonsense? You never cease to amaze me, Black, with your arrogance and conceited mind –'

And he stood up, pulled his wand out and pointed it to my throat. How appropriate. I did the same but didn't intend to use it. There was a time such a move would have pleased me greatly but now wasn't the time. I was too mature for such foolish antics.

'What did you call me?' Sirius demanded, his nostrils flaring and his eyes beady. 'Go ahead and repeat those words, Snivellus. I assure you I'll make you swallow them back.'

'Sit down, Sirius', Lupin demanded and he stood up then tried to widen the distance between Sirius and I by pushing us away with his hands. 'Stop it you two. This isn't Hogwarts once again. You two are grown men. Stop acting like children!'

'Oh I don't ever believe Black, grew up. He has always remained immature, unaware of how –'

'Have you ever told your little boyfriend that?' he asked cutting me off and my breath caught in my throat at the mention of Lucius. 'Have you ever told your secret lover how conceited and arrogant he is?'

'How dare you!' and my rage had gotten the most of me. I was now engulfed in anger and heartbreak. Sharp red sparks shot out from the tip of my wand but nothing was made of it.

'You stand there and call me arrogant and conceited but yet you refuse to admit how Lucius is the very same. Why don't you go ahead and admit you're gay? Then maybe I'll have good reason to pity you.'

And that had done it. I reached out to grab the front of his shirt but Lupin pulled my hand away and tried to wrestle Sirius down unto the chair. I had had enough and when he just fought to remain standing so that he could try and hex me, I forced the worst hex I could remember in my mind.

_Sectumsem-_

And I didn't get to finish because strong arms grabbed me from behind. I felt myself being pulled back and before I knew what was happening; Sirius had finally managed to disentangle himself from Lupin's arms and was charging towards me. I fought against the hold of the pair of hands, believing them to belong to Arthur and they did loosen their grip on my upper arms. He lunged at me but not fully because Lupin had regained his grip and was pulling him back.

'Stop it!' I heard a voice yell. I'd know that voice anywhere.

It was Harry.

'Let go of me!' Sirius shouted and I spun around. I had officially given up with my attempt to fight Sirius.

Harry stood there with his eyes on me and I have to admit that the only thing that crossed through my mind at that very moment was to explain myself. I wanted yell, 'your damn Godfather insulted me and brought up hurtful things that happened to me in my past. I was just acting like any angered person would'. But I couldn't do it. Not in front of those two. It would just give Sirius better reason to believe I was in love with his Godson. Explaining myself was never something I did ever so willingly, unless I had good reason. And in this case, if I did, I'd just step into deeper shit.

'Severus, just leave us for awhile. Leave Sirius here with me and go along into the kitchen', Lupin said calmly with his hands still pinning Sirius to his body. 'Harry go with Professor Snape. There is something he has to tell you.'

I watched Lupin for a few seconds then nodded. My heart rate had picked up tremendously within ten minutes and it would take some time to return to its mundane rate. Turning around, I tried hard to avoid Harry's eyes and walked out of the parlour. As I passed him, our bodies brushed lightly and for a moment a sharp bolt of some sort of sensation ran through me. I couldn't explain the feeling at all but I knew perfectly well that it was not a good one to be feeling at that moment. Dear God he looked amazingly handsome as I had taken in his appearance just mere minutes before. I don't believe I had the strength enough to maintain my composure any longer.

Fearing the worst, I ventured forth to the kitchen. There was no one there and I immediately felt a bit afraid of being alone with Harry. How would I put up with the future private classes we were scheduled to take if I was already feeling like this? My knees felt a bit weak under my robe and as I sat down on a chair, I could feel a terrible chill rush over me. Anyone could have believed a sudden cold wind had blown upon me, for looking at my arms, I noticed that I had goose bumps. The last time I had those was when the Dark Lord had found out about me being with Lucius.

I was seated there for almost three minutes and still Harry hadn't come in. Then when I was about to get up, after having enough of it all, he walked into the room. From the looks of him, the way he walked and the expression on his face, anyone could have guessed he had just received word that he was to be hanged. He had this glum look on his face that immediately began to worry me and had I been my normal self, I would have preyed on such a look. However, I just couldn't do it and resorted to feeling completely concerned about him. He came in, dragging his feet, his hands hung limp down his sides, his eyes focused anywhere but at me. This was going to be difficult!

Should I ask him how he's doing? Should I just ignore it all and continue? I chose a bit of both.

'Mr. Potter', I said and found that my voice was on the verge of becoming a little too dangerously shaky. 'How have you been?'

'Don't ask me how I've been, Snape', he said sitting down, still sulking.

And once again he took the opportunity to address me by my last name without referring to me formally. 'How are you feeling, then?'

'Like shit. Now can you please tell me why you're here? Make it quick.' And he began to play with his fingers.

Of course my eyes couldn't help but focus on them. They were slender and if fingers could be labelled cute, they were. I stared at them for a long while until by chance; I looked up and saw that he was staring at me. His green eyes once again captivated me and I found myself becoming lost in them. I swear that I tried to divert my eyes from his but I failed. We held our gaze longer than the last time until something thump against a wall in the distance. My eyes moved away from his, but he continued to look at me with utmost intensity that I felt really intimidated.

'The reason I'm here, Potter', I said calmly, 'is to announce to you that I have been given the most wonderful task of teaching you Occlumency.'

'Occlu what?' he asked in a shaky voice and I had the opportunity to catch the passing of some sort of emotion over his face. He was in quite a fucked up mood.

'Occlumency. It is the art of shielding your mind from intrusion. Professor Dumbledore has told me that you are having dreams about –'

'Can't I have any privacy?' he asked cutting me off but his tone was low and steady. 'I utter one word of worry to someone and they have to tell the entire world.'

'It's for your own good, Potter', I said feeling his pain.

'When will I be able to decide what's good for me?' he asked softly. 'When will someone ask first if I want to do something and then act on my answer?'

'If it suits you then, I'll ask you. Do you want to learn Occlumency?'

He stared at me for about a minute then shrugged. 'Anything you teach me I fail in so I doubt whether I want to learn it.'

'Potter –'

'You know, I have never ever heard you say my name before. Every time you refer to me as Potter and yet you don't realise how it keeps reminding me of my father all the time. I'm nothing like my father. Stop calling me Potter.'

As much as I wanted to call him Harry, I refused to give in.

'_Mr. Potter_ you do not fail in my subject. Stop underestimating yourself. And I guarantee you that I will not allow you to fail in learning Occlumency.'

'Why do you treat me like this?' he asked. 'Why can't you just stop treating me like a child?'

I studied him for a minute and then proceeded to become completely indulged in my thoughts. He was definitely trying to imply something here and I had to be cautious on my response. At first I was forced to believe that he was demanding that I refrain from treating him as a child by merely stating that he was underestimating himself. On the other hand, I was compelled to believe that he was somehow speaking about us in a much more personal tone. Or maybe I was just being utterly paranoid. Maybe he was referring to his feelings: he wanted me to stop treating him like a child and as an adult making it easier for him to well, interrogate me further. At present I had no intentions of submitting myself for questioning to him of all people.

As much as I wanted to tell him the truth about how I felt for him, it could not be done. So I was left to suffer in my own little world of misery.

'I'm not feeling well. I think I'll go now', he said suddenly and got up.

'I never dismissed you, Potter.'

'You know, just for once I don't want people telling me what they want me to do! I want to just be able to do what I want and have what I want!' he shouted at me.

'Life isn't so fair. You can't always have what you want. It takes time and the constant making of choices to have what you want. Potter, just try to understand that there are certain people that make decisions for you for your own good. Whether you like it or not, you are a teenager still and not fully an adult. That means that you cannot be treated like one as yet. And trust me, you don't want to be treated as such. It's not nice being an adult at times. You'd find that not many people will still care for you when you have reached adulthood.'

'I care for you', he said sitting down once again and somehow I wish that he had been standing. If he was still, then I wouldn't have the pain of having his eyes on me. I'd at least anticipate him leaving after he uttered such a thing.

Try to maintain composure, I told myself as I watched him. Remember that he's your student no matter what and will be so for the next three years. Just deal with this professionally.

'I am quite flattered that you do care for me, Potter. Thank you very much. That is an addition of one to the very few of my admirers.'

'Is Malfoy's father one of your admirers?' he asked almost too quickly and for the second time that evening, I found myself experiencing great pain at the mention of my past lover's name. That old rip in my heart was now attempting to bleed again. I just couldn't take it any longer.

'Harry', I begged with my eyes on his, 'please don't do this to me.'

I somehow knew Sirius hadn't kept his big mouth shut and I had always been greatly afraid of this. He had gone so far now to blurt it out to Harry. That was so extremely painful that no one could understand what I was feeling now. I wanted to believe that Harry had somehow asked Sirius and Lupin about my relationship with Malfoy and they had told him. But why was he so interested in knowing all of this? Could it be that he wanted to torture me? Or was it the possibility of him loving me as well?

When I did address him by his first name and he heard in my voice that I was begging, something changed in his attitude. He suddenly seemed to regret that he had even asked such a question and his cheeks turned crimson.

'I'm so sorry', he said softly looking extremely sad and ashamed. 'Shit, I am so insensitive at times.'

I just bit my lips and looked elsewhere because a wave of emotion was threatening to ripple across me. I don't believe that I could compose myself if it did.

'And sadly, I have to admit that I am the one who has to go. I'm not feeling well', I said weakly after a minute and got up. 'Your lessons on Occlumency commences on the Thursday in your first week back at school, six o'clock. The choice is up to you, Potter. Goodbye.'

And I walked towards the door. Upon reaching out for the handle, I could just feel his presence behind me. I knew he was terribly close and as much as it would have startled anyone and they'd feel compelled to turn around, I dared not do such a thing. If I did I would present myself with a situation where he'd be so close to me that I'd lose self control and become too intimate. It was completely dreadful. And the worst part was that I could now smell his perfume. It invaded my mind with such force and trauma that I became quite dizzy. For awhile I just stood there without moving.

I couldn't move. Many things were happening within me that I wanted to demand an explanation for. But I just let them be. I have to admit that I had never ever felt this way about anyone before. It had not even happened when I had believed myself to be in love with Lucius. Never had he captivated me with such force that I was constantly losing my composure. There were intense feelings that were stirred up inside me. I wanted to turn around and take him in my arms, ravish him with kisses and feel his skin against mine. But I couldn't do that.

He was my student and I was his teacher, for God's sake. It was not the right thing to do. He must know that he was killing me and I wanted him to stop. I immediately got the surest feeling that Harry was feeling the same way for me as I was for him. But maybe his feelings weren't as deep as mine. He had never gotten this close to me before without uttering a word. His intentions were very clear. And as I stood there without moving, I realised that for the first time in my life, I had allowed one of my students to break down my barrier and force me to become bewitched by them.

Not only had he captivated me in every possible way, but with his determined behaviour in finding out more about my personal life: my love life: he had forced me to see him in a much more different light. He wanted me to treat him like an equal.

With my hand still on the doorknob, I reached up with the other and wiped my face, holding my balance steady. Somehow his body heat was radiating unto me with tremendous force. Trying as hard as I could to not lean back and come into contact with him, I opened the door and stepped out. Without looking back, with warm tears in my eyes, I strode forth with purpose. My aim was to reach the door without looking back at him.

'Snape, please.' I heard him beg from behind me and yet I continued to walk away. 'Professor, don't leave. I really need to talk to you!' And there was pain in his voice.

When I had reached the door, once again we stood there like before. But this time, my back was to him. I couldn't show him my face because my teary eyes would give me away. And even though I heard Lupin and Sirius call my name from within the house, I did not answer out to them. Taking both ends of my robe with shaky hands, I prepared to depart.

'Goodbye, Potter', I whispered and disapparated once more, like I did on Wednesday, leaving him standing there, entirely speechless.

**Writer: Once again I kindly ask of you to review. If you only knew how wonderful it is to get reviews from you all. It makes me want to continue writing more. I just hope it wasn't too long. I don't want many chapters to discourage people from reading this. Thanks ever so much for taking time to read my story. Love you all**


	4. Chapter 4

*Hey before you begin to read I'd like to respond to some of my reviewers and PMs. Um there is a reason why I'm prolonging any romantic encounters with Snape and Harry. If you read my first chapter you'd realise me putting it over that Snape had been hiding his true feelings from Harry all those years. I didn't say that Harry never made a move on him. I didn't say that they never kissed or so on. You just wait and see what will happen. And for those of you who think I'm just being mean by not having Snape admit his feelings to Harry. Put yourself in his position and think about what you'd do. He's a teacher and he cares about Harry so much that he wants him safe: both of them safe. Thanks!*

(Fifth Year)

(Grimmauld's Place and Hogwarts)

oOoOoOoOoOo

He left me so heartbroken that I actually cried for over an hour. When Ron and Hermione returned from the theatre, I had to bury my head in my pillow and pretend I was sleeping. And later down in the night when I woke up with a start, I cried all over again. My chest ached from sobbing over him and my eyes burnt terribly. Oh how I hated Snape at that moment. I hated how he had just left me once again standing there like a fool. This time I was begging him to turn around and just look at me, give me a chance but he just didn't do that. He just left.

Although I knew it was coming, I had a horrific dream about him that night. It caused me to turn here and there in my bed, mumbling in my sleep. And if Ron didn't wake me up, I would have suffered a heart attack I guess. The dream went as such:

I was running after him. There I ran along a dimly lit corridor, unsure of where it was. But I had one intention in mind: I had to get him. I somehow had to make him turn around and talk to me. Somehow it felt like this was the only chance I'd get to tell him how I felt. And so I chased him. But all of a sudden, I felt myself falling, falling down...down and then my knees painfully connected with hard gravel.

I didn't even have to think twice to know where I was. Here I was once again in the graveyard that I had been in when Cedric had been killed. Lifting my frightened eyes, I took in the hooded figures around me, more that twelve of them. Their faces were hidden by grotesque masks that seemed to mock me in the moonlight with the fake smiles etched on them all. One in particular looked extremely cold and I knew that had to be Lucius Malfoy. His long shiny mane of blond hair was unmistakably recognisable. Then to his immediate right I picked up someone so familiar that even from behind a mask, he could not be kept hidden from me. It was Severus Snape.

And then I heard Voldemort call out his name and I froze from fright, almost feeling my blood becoming frozen in my veins.

'Severus Snape', Voldemort hissed with a sneer on his face, 'why don't you step forward. Tonight you are the favourite among us.'

I realised that I couldn't move for my body had become frozen with fear. Snape stepped forward, and I realised that I had been correct all along from pointing him out. His black robe and overcoat billowed as the cold night wind whipped through the graveyard and around us. In fact, all robes were billowing around me that gave the scene quite a ghostlike appearance. I wasn't afraid of such things. What I was afraid of was why Snape had been called forth. He came to a standstill about two feet from me and I could clearly see that his black leather shoes were caked with dry mud. I knew the sight of those shoes so well that it pained me to look at them. And it pained me even more when I realised that I could smell him from where I was kneeling. His soft perfume met my nose and I couldn't help but inhale it all.

'My Lord', Snape said in a nervous tone, 'what gives me such an honoured position?'

I watched as Voldemort surveyed him coldly and then looked at me. Immediately my scar burned severely and I slapped a hand to my forehead.

'Not so recently, someone happened to let it slip by me that you had developed a significant interest in our visitor tonight. I am now to believe that you do not feel anger for Potter at all.'

'My Lord', Snape said weakly, 'I assure you I do not know what this is about. I have always served you in your best interests. You and only you. Never have I served in Potter's interest.'

And the words sent a painful stab to my heart. Although I knew he couldn't blow his cover, I almost felt as if he was speaking the truth about me.

'But this is touching, Severus. I am quite angered that you would stand there and lie to me. Such lies from my most faithful servants anger me deeply. No one lies to and survives to tell of their triumph.'

'I have not lied, my Lord.'

'But I have heard differently.'

'Then I assure you that whatever you heard must be a lie. If you agree to it, I'd very much like to know what was uttered about me that has angered you so.' And I almost gasped.

'Well according to Lucius Malfoy, the man whom you once gave your heart to.' And there were a few bouts of laughter here and there around me. 'He believes that your new source of affection is Potter.'

'Lucius Malfoy is wrong, as usual. I believe his arrogance well exceeds his great intentions', Snape said and I watched as Lucius' face contorted into rage for their masks had now been removed and I could tell who was who.

'I admire your brazen attitude in declaring your objection to what he is and what he has said, Severus. However, this gives me no solid proof that you are not interested in Potter. If I torture him right now in front of you, will you not feel any remorse in stating that you do not care for him? If I chose to kill him now while you watch and that is what I am going to do tonight, will not you shudder?'

'My Lord, by all means do whatever you want to him. I only live to serve you with your intentions in first priority.'

If I had not been feeling the way I was for Snape as of recent, I wouldn't have been surprised by his words. How they pained me so deeply to hear him say them in front of me. I became so angry at him that I wanted him to die.

'You fail to remember that I have once not spared the life of that one person you loved so willingly. It amazes me to believe that you have once again fallen for someone and it amuses me further to believe that it is her son. How would she feel to know that you are thinking of mating with her son, Severus?' Voldemort asked, attempting to anger Snape.

And I watched as something flickered upon Snape's face. NO! I thought as I watched Voldemort smile. He was going to die and it would be my entire fault! I didn't want him to die! Voldemort could take me instead for all I care. It was me he wanted anyway.

'NO!' I cried out loud, 'take me instead. Kill me alone and leave him alone!'

And it was only then that I realised that I had done far more damage than that flicker across Snape's face had done. There were low gasps from around me and I saw Snape turn his eyes to me. He watched me with shocked eyes, eyes that looked fearful and angered and I wanted to die even more now.

'See now here, Severus. Harry Potter, the boy who lived...he feels different. If I am not mistaken, I detect utmost love.' And Voldemort laughed his cold merciless laugh that rang into the night. 'Too much entertainment for the night, I believe. Now I must resort to killing him. My oh my, you'll have to shed tears all over again, Severus. But such things do not go away easy from my mind.'

And I knew what was coming before he even did it. I watched Voldemort raise his wand and point it at me. But it wasn't me he directed his spell to. It was Snape.

'Crucio!' he yelled and I watched Snape buckle over in agony, his face contorted from pain.

'Stop!' I shouted in a rough voice. 'Please stop!'

'Crucio!' Voldemort yelled again and Snape fell to the floor, his body shaking from pain.

'No! STOP! PLEASE! He doesn't deserve this! I want to die. Don't kill him!'

And laughter rang out from around me once more. With every plea, Voldemort punished Snape even further and I began to cry at his evil mind. He wasn't satisfied until Snape collapsed and didn't move. It was then that he turned on me but after realising that Lucius looked a bit peaky, he went forward to him.

'How terrible it must be to watch your dear ex lover in so much pain, Lucius', he hissed and Lucius' right, I saw a woman with blond hair shudder. 'Tell me, was he a great lover in bed?' And there were loud hoots of laughter. 'Silence now. Silence. Did he shower you with kisses? Tell me, what does your wife have to say about your affair?'

And in the flashiest of flashes, so many things happened at once that my mind couldn't register all of it. I felt a hand grab me from behind, I saw Voldemort spin around, then his wand was raised and out from its tip came flying sparks, I saw the sparks fly over me to whoever was holding me and then something pulled me from behind the navel. I was instantly being dragged into oblivion to God knows where. When my body connected to hard ground, I yelped out with pain. Opening my eyes I didn't know where I was at first but then it dawned on me that it was a house of some sort. I turned over and his face immediately came into view.

'Snape!' I cried trying to get up and I rubbed my hand over his pale cheek, feeling it moist to my touch for he was crying.

'Harry', he whispered, his voice barely audible. 'I'm sorry I said those things about -' and he coughed.

'Shhh!' I said trying to get up and I looked around frantically. 'Where are we?'

'Spinner's', and he coughed dryly and painfully, 'Spinner's End. My house.'

'Snape don't move', I said and watched as he shuddered from the pain wracking his body. 'Just...I'll find a way to get help.' And when I turned around and looked at him, his eyes were closed. I checked his pulse and found none. He couldn't be! I thought and I began to shake him, calling his name. And that was when Ron shook me awake.

Of course in the dark, he couldn't fully see my face. And I was glad for that because I knew my eyes were extremely red and I was sweating feverishly.

'Wake up, mate!'

I gasped out loud then buried my head in my pillow once again. It was then that he patted my head playfully and then I heard his footsteps retreating back to his corner of the room. This was one dream I just couldn't tell either him or Hermione about. And I felt so bad about keeping things from them. What would they say about me if I told them about how I felt and what was going on in my life? What would they think if I told them that in less than a week; my entire life had suddenly changed for the worst? And Snape was the source of it all? I just lay in the dark, finding it extremely hard to sleep again. And as the window shades turned from black to full white, I thought about him and what a terrible situation I had placed myself in. Oh why did I allow myself to fall for him?

And for the whole of Saturday, my throat and head ached. I knew I appeared sulky and depressed because Mrs. Weasley actually made chicken soup for me. She believed I was coming down with something just two days before school reopened. Little did she know the source of it all. Of course I wasn't going to tell anyone about any of it at that moment. I just left it for Sirius and Lupin to know only. My Godfather, however, kept telling me over and over again that I should decline the offer of taking Occlumency with Snape for my own good. He assured me that he'd talk to Dumbledore personally. But I knew too well that it would have to be Snape in the end.

'It'll be too much for you', he assured me but I knew better. He hated Snape's guts and didn't want me to be around him for even a few seconds.

And the more Sirius kept urging me to forget him, the more Mrs. Weasley kept keeping an eye on me to see if I was getting sick and the more Ron and Hermione pestered me into telling them what was up, I kept it all inside and suffered by myself. There was this terrible storm just building up inside of me, waiting to burst forth and tear me into anguished parts. But I didn't allow it to break through. And the more I held in my feelings, the more I became depressed and less talkative, keeping to myself most of the remainder of the holidays. I just sat around like a broken toy that didn't care anything about the world around it. And it seemed the only person who cared for how I was feeling was Lupin.

'Come here, Harry', he said on Sunday night, just as I was about to go upstairs to bed. 'We have to talk.'

We went upstairs and entered a room that I had never been in before. It looked almost like a living room, if not for the small kitchen area up there that appeared as if it had never been used. Thinking about it, I hadn't even been all around this house.

'Let's sit here', Lupin said softly and I sat down on a two cushioned red chair. He sat next to me. 'Harry what's going on? Tell me what's bothering you. Dear God you look so distraught and terrible.'

'Lupin I can't take it anymore', I said feeling tears burning behind my eyelids. 'I used to be stronger than this. I used to have control over myself and now he's just come and taken it all away. I want it to stop.'

'Go on', Lupin urged and I continued.

'Friday when he came, and we went into the kitchen: Lupin I did something terrible. I actually brought up Lucius and then he just got so...his whole face changed colour. I all of a sudden knew how pained he was about all of that. He just said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to leave and then –'

But I didn't want to tell him what happened when I had stood behind Snape.

'What happened, Harry?'

'I couldn't control myself. I wanted to be near him so bad! Oh God', and I hid my face in my hands. 'When he got to the door, I got up and went to follow him but he stopped at the door and then I found myself standing behind him so close. I could just...he didn't move. He just stood there and then the door was opened and he was walking away. I was following him, calling him back, asking him to stop, I wanted to talk to him. But he just kept walking and like the other night, he disapparated without even looking at me.'

'All of that happened?' Lupin asked and I looked over at him. He was staring at me wide eyed. 'No don't believe I am trying to say you are lying but...I believe you took after James after all, you little flirt.' And he laughed. I found myself giving in and even though I was teary, I managed a laugh. 'You probably made poor Professor Snape feel quite intimidated, Harry. Had you even touched him, I'm afraid you might have gotten quite a response from him.'

'Really? Do you think he would have...' and I swallowed because I didn't feel quite comfortable speaking like that in front of anyone, even Lupin.

'I don't know but it would seem so. If he did react as you said, it's not like him to hesitate in leaving a room. He seems to want to make quite a grand entrance and exit at times, but for you to make him stall. That's something. I must ask you one thing though.' And his expression turned serious. 'Are you aware that you're his student and therefore that means it's very dangerous for you to even think about being with him sexually?'

And for the first time it dawned on me. Anyone would have believed I was stupid to have not thought about that, but I had become so caught up in my feelings for Snape over the few days that it never occurred to me. I never really thought about what would happen if I loved him and he loved me back. We'd get into trouble if anyone found out and he'd lose his job. I'd be disgraced by the public and Voldemort would...I didn't want to think of that.

'Harry, it's dangerous for you to even think of being with him, especially if you consider his job and him being a Death Eater. Not even Voldemort knows that he sees you as a remarkable person. If he did find out, well, Professor Snape would be in a lot of danger.'

And I wanted to tell him about the dream but chose to keep that one bit private.

'I know, Lupin, but I –'

'Love him, I know Harry. I know that fully well. It's all in your face and with every time we discuss him; I am becoming more convinced that you are falling deeper in love with him. I wish I could tell you how to stop it and get over him but that's entirely a painful process. I can only tell you this, if you want to get over him, the first thing you should do is force yourself to understand the consequences of your actions if you happen to choose to be with him. Think of what would happen to both of you. Then when you have thought of that, try to switch your thinking of him back to him just being your teacher. I know it's going to be hard but you have to try, Harry, for your own sake and his.'

'I think he's already trying to do the same thing that's why he's been avoiding answering your questions and so forth. He is keeping his distance.'

And I realised that he was right. Snape _was_ keeping his distance from me.

'He's handling it professionally. He didn't even mention anything about it to either Sirius or me, even when Sirius intimidated him on the subject.'

'But do you think he loves me?' I asked in a weak voice.

'Any gay man who takes one look at you and doesn't fall in love with you because of you being so handsome and kind is a fool. That is, if he's gay. Personally, I think Professor Snape likes you a lot. Recently, I've noticed that he doesn't relate you to James anymore. And that's good.'

'I'll try', I said and sighed, 'I don't think I can do it but I'll try because I don't want anything bad to happen to him.'

'That's such a nice thing to say, Harry. I wish Professor Snape could hear you say that about him. Maybe you should tell him.'

'I can't tell him that', I said, 'he's going to think I'm weird. I told him I cared about him and he –' And I stopped because I remembered how he had said he really appreciated that.

'Let me guess, he appreciated it very much.'

'Yes he did.'

'Harry, if you knew how much Professor Snape is doing for you now, you'd feel so appreciative of him. He's so concerned about you, you don't know how much. And even when he used to make your life a living hell by treating you bad, he cared a lot for you.'

'He did?' I asked and Lupin nodded. 'Well that makes me just love him more.'

'You will never stop loving him, but what you have to try to do is to control your emotions and your feelings. Or else, you might get both of you in trouble. I might kindly suggest if he feels the same way for you, you ask him if he can wait until you get out of school. That is the safest thing to do.'

And with Lupin's words ringing in my ears, I went to bed to prepare for the beginning of my fifth year at Hogwarts, hoping that it wouldn't turn out as bad as I anticipated. I had one mission in mind: I'd make him reveal his true feelings for me and then I'd know what to do from there. The courage I'd gather to fight Voldemort wasn't just going to go idle. I was a boy and by hiding my feelings for anything and anyone would make me appear as a cold sissy.

oOoOoOoOoOo

(Fifth Year)

(Hogwarts)

The last time I departed from Grimmauld's Place, I felt like a complete fool because not only had I not accomplished any aims of getting myself to desist from feeling the way I felt for Harry, but I also discovered that he loved me as well. I didn't just feel like seeing him again. It was too disturbing for me, even though I enjoyed the way he made every part of me feel. My body craved badly for him in every possible way. And I just wanted to reverse time and refrain from agreeing to teach him Occlumency. Trouble was brewing in the air, whether from my part or his I didn't know, but something was in the air: something threatening and I didn't like that feeling. I felt as if something would happen that would tear us further apart than before. And I wondered whether we'd go back to hating each other like we did before.

All those times when I'd purposely lash out at him in class: those memories now washed over me toppling me over with complete nausea. My head felt extremely heavy with the weight of emotions and confused feelings that I wanted someone to brainwash me. But would that solve my problems? Absolutely not because he'd still love me. I knew from then on that I'd have to talk to him about it but I wondered how I could approach such a painful task. One thing might lead to the other and before we knew it, we'd make some move or say something that we'd both regret. I decided to wait and see what would happen on his part. I wanted to see if he'd brave it enough to make any moves on me. And then I'd tell him how it shouldn't happen. I'd make it clear to him that we couldn't be together until certain situations were altered.

And so it was that at six o'clock, Thursday that I heard him knock promptly on the door to my office. I had just settled down with a cup of coffee in front of me, inhaling the pleasant odour when I heard the knock. Forgetting about the steaming cup, I leant back, took in a nervously deep breath and tried to relax. I was sitting on a chair in a far corner for my room had been cleared of my desk to accommodate our private class. Dumbledore's Pensieve lay on a shelf to the west of the room owing to him agreeing that I borrow it to empty my most personal thoughts into it. I was in fear that I could reveal a little too much that Harry ought not to know: especially my true feelings for him. Little did I know that he would have other ways of finding out how I was truly feeling for him.

'Enter', I said loud and clear but found my voice a bit undesirably shaky.

And in he came. It was a bit unusual to see him in his school uniform once again for I had suddenly become used to admiring him in casual clothes. And all of a sudden I believed him to appear rather cute and handsome in his present attire. His dark hair was habitually dishevelled and there was a new glint in his eyes: one that clearly made it known to me that he was not intimidated the least by such a person as me. I feared the worst but realised that I was far much mature for such idle things and I'd deal with it.

'Good evening, Mr. Potter', I said as he came in and beckoned for him to take a seat on the chair in front of me. 'So you came after all.'

'Good evening, Sir', was all he said and gazed back at me coolly.

I wasted no time in commencing with our lesson and repeated what Occlumency was and why I was delegated the task of teaching it to him. He nodded curtly without even sparing me one syllable and I turned my back on him to retrieve my wand from the table behind me. While I was gathering myself for the lesson at hand, I couldn't help but notice that he kept his eyes on me all the while. It was beginning to get to me and I tried and tried to keep self control to the maximum. I had to hold it together. Dear God, but those green eyes...they were so captivating. How could he not know the power that his eyes had on me?

'This is no easy game, Potter', I said turning back to face him but keeping my eyes steady on his nose instead. He wouldn't know I was looking there. 'It is a hard task indeed to block your mind from invasion. I will attempt to penetrate your mind and try as you might to attempt to not allow me to do that. By all means, keep your mind set and force me to fail in delving into your thoughts.'

'Is it going to hurt?' he asked rather innocently and I smiled.

'Yes it will. And it will only stop if you block your mind from me. Ready?'

'Alright', he said taking a deep breath and letting it out, then he sat up, 'I'm ready.'

'Alright', I said pointing my wand at his and concentrating. 'Legilimens!'

_**A small boy was being yelled at by a towering burly man who showered him with spit.**_

_**He was again looking at some sort of cartoons on the television whilst sneaking glances at the frontdoor.**_

_**He was opening his letter to Hogwarts and Hagrid was towering over him.**_

_**Hermione engulfed him in a hug, her eyes shining with delight.**_

_**Ginny Weasley was stroking his cheek and he had his eyes closed.**_

_**He was in the Great Hall and was sneaking glances at Cho Chang who was looking back at him shyly.**_

_**I was standing in the hallway talking to Professor McGonagall and he was stealing hateful glances at me. 'Stupid, evil man', he whispered before he walked off.**_

_**Ginny was bracing him up against a pale grey wall and they were kissing passionately. Her hand was intimately roaming about his body as he moaned and she cupped him in her small hand.**_

'NO!' Harry shouted and the force of the spell broke away as I heard his voice. 'STOP IT!'

My vision swam back into focus and I took in him shaking terribly, his eyes wide and his chest heaving. He glared back at me with such fear that I immediately feared a most tremendous outburst.

'You are not trying to block me out', I said softly. 'Try harder, Potter. I know you can do this.'

'You never told me you'd be seeing my most personal and memorable memories!' he shouted at me. 'I thought it was something else! I thought...I don't want to do this!'

'You...don't want to do this? Potter, are you aware of why I am teaching you Occlumency? It is for your own good as well as the people who care for you. Once he becomes aware of this connection he can use it to torment you in ways that will be most painful than this. You need to comply.'

He stared at me for a long while, and I could see the dull flicker of emotions and that personal debate going on behind his eyes as he thought about it.

'Fine', he said forcefully, 'it's not like I have a choice anyway as to what you do, just like how you are seeing my personal thoughts without even asking me if you can. So go ahead.' And I saw his forehead crease as he tried to prepare himself for it all, trying to get ready to block me. But he didn't succeed because I was too strong for him.

'Legilimens!'

_**He was at the train station and every now and then, he glanced over at a young Indian boy who was looking at him intensely. They exchanged shy looks.**_

_**Cho was lying on top of him as they kissed passionately, her dress halfway up and his pants unbuckled and then...**_

_**Tonks was bracing him against the wall in a dark corner at Grimmauld's Place as they kissed passionately but then there was thump from somewhere and they broke apart.**_

_**And then he was standing behind me. His hand began to reach out to touch me but I had already opened the door and was walking away from him.**_

_**He lay in bed with his face wet with tears, whispering my name over and over again. 'Snape, I love you why can't you see that?' and with a sob, he turned on his side and began to cry.**_

_**I saw myself being tortured by Voldemort in the graveyard at Godric's Hollow as Harry screamed my name and begged for it to stop. Then I heard Voldemort accuse me of loving Harry and he retreated to teasing Lucius about our relationship. 'Snape!' Harry cried and I lay on the floor shaking, 'I'm sorry I said those things about you', I said.**_

_**'I'll try', Harry said as he sat near Lupin and sighed, 'I don't think I can do it but I'll try because I don't want anything bad to happen to him.'**_

_**'That's such a nice thing to say, Harry. I wish Professor Snape could hear you say that about him. Maybe you should tell him.'**_

_**'I can't tell him that', Harry said, 'he's going to think I'm weird.'**_

'STOP IT!' he shouted and I didn't know whether that was part of his visions or reality. 'I HATE YOU!'

And I broke the spell, feeling extreme nausea pass over me as the room swam back into view. My throat felt parched and there were tears in my eyes as I looked at him. And he was crying as well, his cheeks pale and wet, his neck moist with perspiration. I couldn't take it anymore and I sank to the floor, feeling this terrible storm of emotion build up inside of me. He didn't even try to prevent me from seeing what I did, I realised. He wanted me to see it all, knowing the effect it would have on me. I wanted to demand that he leave with the way I was feeling...what he did with Ms. Weasley, Ms. Chang and even Tonks. He wanted me to see them all.

But then what did that vision of me in the graveyard mean? Did he dream that of me? And had he actually tried to touch me the last time I had seen him? Did he indeed cry himself to sleep over me, whispering my name over and over again? He had fallen for me and I was just pushing him away because I believed it was the right thing to do, not even pondering on the fact of how he would feel about what I was doing.

'Harry I'm sorry', I said standing up and looking at him. My eyes were wet with tears and I just couldn't say anything else. I was afraid that if I did relate the truth to him about me loving him and then how we couldn't be together, he'd be terribly hurt. Instead I realised that I had to say something quick, anything, because he'd become severely wounded and the cause of it would be me. Not that I hadn't wounded him as yet. 'I didn't mean to hurt you like that...I can't –'

'...understand how you feel about me' , he said cutting me off and he sobbed then covered his face. 'What the _hell_ did I get myself into? I have _never_ been so stupid before. I've always been brave and had everything together perfect and then I just blew it. I just _blew_ it to someone who thinks I'm a fool.'

And before I could even respond or allow his words to sink in, he had gotten up. 'I have to go', he whispered with his hand on his face.

And Harry was gone.

I sank to the floor and cried.

oOoOoOoOoOo

(Harry's POV)

That night, like many other nights, I cried myself to sleep and woke up in the morning quite edgy and my eyes extremely red. I tried to avoid Hermione and Ron as much as possible, even sitting way at the back of classes avoiding the eyes of my Professors. It was all too painful for me. My throat kept aching terribly because I wanted to cry so much. I wanted to just stay away from classes and curl up on my bed and cry. I felt so hurt that he'd seen all those personal memories with me. How badly I had wanted to point my wand at him and enter his mind to see his personal thoughts. I wanted him to feel how he had made me feel when he violated my privacy.

And so I sulked all day, burying my head in my books and hiding behind my textbooks in every class. I didn't want anyone to notice the change in me. I had become so depressed and sad that I knew it showed on my face. At times, Malfoy would throw an insult my way, tempting me to retort but I just didn't pay heed to any of it. Even Ginny tried to talk to me, trying to cheer me up and ask what was happening but I just told her I was in a peaky mood after having Occlumency with Snape: how it was tiresome and he had seen some of my private thoughts. So naturally, I was angry at him. She bought it all, not suspecting a thing about me and Snape. Not even Hermione or Ron suspected anything and I was glad. But somewhere deep down inside, I wanted them to know. I wanted someone to talk to and yet I wasn't about to tell anyone about any of it because I feared the worst.

Then on the following Monday, right after a painful weekend (because I had to put on a face when we started practice for Quidditch again), an idea suddenly struck me. I knew it was silly and there was no way it could remedy things. But I decided that it was the only way I could get to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. There I was sitting in the Common Room near Hermione and Ron, pretending to study Transfiguration. They had refrained from talking to me because whenever I was in a sulky mood, I happened to bite back if they talked to me.

'Guys I need to use the table', I said picking up my bag and getting up.

'Alright, Harry', Hermione said but Ron looked at me as if waiting on me to say more. When I didn't, he just nodded and looked at Hermione who bit her lips and continued reading.

I went across to the table in the far corner where no one was sitting. And I took out a sheet of parchment, my quill and ink bottle. I was ready to write but I didn't know where to start. I figured that I'd begin by telling him how I felt at the present moment.

_Dear Professor Snape,_

_There aren't enough words to explain how I'm truly feeling right now about me, about life and about you. I guess I could begin by saying that I can feel this hurricane building up inside my body. My emotions are just turning around and around and I don't have the strength to stop it from self destructing me. With every day that goes by since Thursday, I'm feeling as if my heart is being ripped to pieces and it pains. It really hurts so bad that I don't know what to do._

_At nights I can't sleep anymore because thoughts of you just take me over. All these emotions come rushing in: anger, hate, love, all at once. I find myself aching to cry so badly every second of the day because of how I feel. I can't hold any of this any longer inside of me. I can't even tell my friends how I feel because I'm afraid they'd judge me like you probably did when you saw how I felt about you. If I had known Occlumency was like that I would have never agreed to it. Those memories were very personal to me; especially the ones with me and Ginny and Cho as well as Tonks._

_I should have treasured their love for me because it was far easier then to love them as compared to loving you like this. I love a person who hates me and who wants nothing to do with me. I was so stupid to allow myself to fall for you like this. How could you change from hating someone so badly to loving them so much? Every second of the day I want to feel what it would be like to touch you, to kiss you and hug you. I want you to kiss me back and tell me you love me and I wish most of all that I wasn't your student because then we'd be able to be together if you loved me back. _

_But you'd never love me back. I'm nothing like Lucius who is way mature and far better looking than me. I wear stupid glasses that make me look like a freak. You probably laughed after you saw how I felt about you. You probably just said you're sorry because you pity how I feel and what I'm going through. _

_Severus Snape I love you. I really do love you and I love you so bad that every second without you, without seeing you, my life isn't happy. When I do get to be around you I just want you to stay with me all the time and not to leave. Like those times when you came to Grimmauld's Place, I just wanted you to stay and talk to me. I wanted you there but you always left at the time when I needed to talk to you the most. You just broke the conversation and left me standing there like a child. I want you to know that as much as you'd think I'm a child and I'm still immature, I've been through a lot. I've been through things that teens my age haven't even faced as yet. You don't know what it's like being me, Snape. You just don't know how it feels to live my life. _

_I hate my life. I hate my only living relatives because they make my life a living hell. I hate how so many people believe that I'm lying about Voldemort and I'm just a boy who needs pitying because he has no parents. I hate how people take everything I have and what I do and make it a big issue. I just wanted to be normal. I want to be someone who people can treat like just another person._

_I wished that you weren't my teacher. Why couldn't we have met somewhere else and you weren't a Death Eater serving the one person who wants me dead? How come love for me has become so hard? I was never really comfortable being with those girls at all. I know that's how it appeared to you when you saw my memories but it wasn't like that. They wanted me but I never wanted them so much. All I wanted was you. You were the only one who made me feel how loving a person feels like. I have never felt like this for anyone else, trust me. Never have I wanted to touch and long to see someone like you so badly. _

_Please don't hate me for loving you. I just am so confused about all of this that I wished it never happened. I've never been so hurt in my life. The only thing that I want right now is for you to love me back. _

_Snape I really want you to love me back. That's all I want. I want to touch you, even if it's a hug. Please. I just don't want you to hate me. I should be used to it because that's all you ever felt for me before but right now I just want more._

_I'm crying right now and I'm in the Common Room. I don't think I can write anymore because my eyes are burning. _

_Harry P._

And I tucked the parchment in my book then got up. Trying to look at the stairway that led up to the dormitory alone, I strode forward without looking back. I'd give it to him. Right now I didn't care how he'd react because it wouldn't make any much of a difference.


	5. Chapter 5

(Snape)

Since last week Thursday I haven't slept for more than two hours. And even when Dumbledore declared that I should transfigure into a bat, I believed that statement was underrated. He hadn't a clue as to what was occurring to me, although at times I believed he did suspect something. I was left to hope that he was just thinking that my hatred for Harry had become overbearing since I had begun teaching him Occlumency. But I had made a decision and it was final. On Monday night just after six o'clock, I found myself facing the gargoyle leading up to Dumbledore's office.

'Liquorice sticks', I said and when the gargoyle began to move, I stepped quickly upon the cold concrete steps.

He wasn't surprised to see me, as usual and I was beginning to wonder if he was expecting me. Sitting in the chair facing him, I could feel the guilt building up inside me.

'Severus', he said surveying me and smiling. 'You look awful. Might I suggest a liquorice stick?' And he took one from a small bowl and held it out to me. It was shaped like a heart and immediately I felt tears burning behind my eyelids.

'No, thank you', I said.

'Whatever is bothering you? How did your lesson of Occlumency with Harry go?'

'That's why I'm here.' And I immediately looked at a spot between his eyes because it was hard for me to look him and say what I had to say. 'I can't teach Potter Occlumency anymore.'

A small smile played on his lips and then he resorted to twiddling his thumbs. 'And why is that so?'

'I just don't feel as if it's...appropriate for me to teach him Occlumency. I –'

'The truth, Severus...I want the truth.'

I couldn't tell him the truth. I suddenly wished I hadn't come.

'Severus...'

And then he did the most intimidating thing he could brave with me. Dumbledore's eyes focused on mine and before I knew it, he was in my head. He was seeing everything. And when I mean everything, dear God, he saw the way my eyes lingered on Harry. He saw when we stood extremely close together and Harry was reaching out to me. And he saw what happened last week Thursday. I was forced to get up and there I stood glaring at him.

Dumbledore just smiled.

'Why the hell are you smiling?' I asked angrily. 'That wasn't funny!'

'I am smiling, Severus, because I am highly amused at what I just saw before my eyes. Might I laugh?'

I only glared at him.

'Dearest Merlin, a Death Eater has fallen in love with Harry Potter. Shall I continue?' he asked and I wanted to curse him.

'Go on.'

'A Death Eater who happens to be his teacher, who constantly laments on his arrogance and conceited behaviour: one of your least favourite students. I shall use the phrase those hippies use on television and say that 'you have gotten yourself in a bit of a fix'.' And he continued to smile. 'It has to stop now.'

Of course I understood what he was saying to me but I wished he had said 'go ahead, Severus and be with him. Take a chance and love him back.' But none of that came.

'I know it has to stop', I said feeling my throat beginning to ache terribly from grief. 'It isn't that easy –'

'And you should have known that before you allowed that to happen, Severus', he said cutting me off. 'It is principle here that a teacher cannot be with a student. I'm surprised that you'd allow your feelings to wander off so freely.'

'You think it's easy to control your feelings when it comes to love?' I asked him angrily. 'You sit there and tell me that I should have done better? Do you even know what shit I'm in right now? I don't know how it even happened!'

'Well make it stop now', Dumbledore said calmly and he yawned. 'Love is for the young and free spirited and dear Severus, you are by all means anything but free spirited. I don't want to lose a most treasured Professor at Hogwarts.'

And his last words had such great effect on me that I shuddered and had to sit down back. I blinked my eyes once, twice, thrice as I stared back at him and he merely studied me without the slightest emotion.

'You can't fire me', I said shocked, 'I'm your spy. That would be ludicrous –'

'You are most indeed correct. I cannot fire you. But what I _can_ do is make you give up your post as teacher of Potions and just keep you under my wing here...under disguise.'

I just looked flabbergasted at him and didn't know what to say.

'I'm sorry, Severus but that is the way it will have to be if you don't put a stop to it. I cannot allow one of my Professors to be with a student. If Voldemort knew of this, you'd be dealt with accordingly. Harry would be in grave danger and everything we've fought for, planned and worked for would crumble. And that would be just because of love.'

'What am I to do then?' I asked although I knew I'd have to get over Harry and leave it alone.

'Make a choice, Severus. It is either Harry or your job. You either choose to be with Harry and jeopardise all I've been doing for him, to protect him just like you wanted or you can forgo your feelings for him and keep your job as being his protector and our spy.'

I never could have imagined what it would feel like to make a choice like this. Of course I had made one like this when I was younger when I had to choose between being Lily's friend and joining the Death Eaters. It was love then and it was love now. But I didn't want to let Harry go. It would pain him to have me completely ignore him. But I knew I'd have to do it and it would have to be done whether I liked it or not. I'd have to force myself to completely ignore his feelings for me. I'd have to act professionally and not soft hearted with him to encourage him on with how he was feeling. And that would be a very hard task for me.

'I shall get back to my job', I said and Dumbledore nodded then smiled.

'I know you were sensible enough, Severus. You can love him but just control it. When all this is over, you'll be free to shower whoever you want with love.'

'If I'm alive and Harry still is', I muttered and turned around then walked out the door.

The following day was another Potions class with the fifth years and I was not looking forward to such a thing. If I had my way, I would have purposely stayed away and make them all happy but I had a job to do and would do it regardless of how I was feeling. As soon as they came in, I found my eyes uncontrollably seeking out Harry. And try as I might, I just couldn't stop looking at him. Of course he was gazing back at me all the time, even when I diverted my eyes upon the chalkboard to write out the instructed potion to be brewed that afternoon. None of my students found it necessary to even spare a glance at me whenever I was teaching. In fact, hardly did they glance up whilst brewing in fear that I'd sweep across to them and remark on their concoctions.

However, Harry was always finding the opportunity to frequently allow his eyes to wander over to wherever I was. And it was becoming a bit too much for me. As I once again diverted my eyes from his to check on Ms. Granger's potion, I felt his eyes on me and forced myself to let Dumbledore's words ring in my ears. It was my job or Harry: protecting him or loving him and allowing myself and him to put our lives in danger.

'Check step 2 again, Ms Granger', I said curtly and she did so.

And it was then that Mr Weasley found it necessary to make himself a complete fool. I watched his potion change from orange to deep blood red and understood perfectly well that he'd added a wrong ingredient at the wrong time. Waving my wand, I cleared his cauldron and declared that he had earned himself a very fat zero. I watched as Harry threw him a glance, a small smile playing on his lips and then he continued to brew his potion.

He was doing excellent so far and I admired his steady hand and precise calculations of the ingredients to be added. If he was intimidated by my presence, he didn't show it. And I was taken aback by his utmost composure: how he gathered himself together. I found myself walking over to him and there I stood, about a foot from him, observing his work as he continued. Of course he knew I was there behind him, but it wasn't affecting him in any way for he was concentrating fully without allowing his attention to waver. I watched him chop up the hibiscus petals with a firm hand and with one scoop; he added them to his orange concoction. He then proceeded to stir as instructed: clockwise two times, then three times anticlockwise. When he got to the last stir, his attention did waver and he attempted to stir clockwise.

Reaching out I held his hand steady. 'Anticlockwise, Potter', I said softly enough because I didn't want the others to hear but Ms. Granger saw my move and watched with her eyes wide.

Harry, on the other hand, was a bit taken aback. I was myself because I couldn't remember if I had ever touched him and here I was holding his hand. And then I remembered when our hands had brushed each other's before. His hand felt very soft in mine for my hand was bigger and it engulfed his quite comfortably. He stiffened a bit when I made that move and I couldn't help myself. I immediately closed the foot between us and my body pressed against him. I had to admit that it felt entirely ecstatic to be so near to him, to smell his hair and feel his skin through his robes and his body heat just radiated with such force that I began to grow fully aroused. And before I believed I would have lost control in front of my class, I moved away almost too quickly. Looking around I noticed that no one had witnessed the incident, except maybe for Granger who was observing Harry with mild curiosity.

'Five more minutes', I said walking weakly to the front of the class and resuming my post at my desk. 'You shall fill the vile with your concoction and submit it for marking. By now your potion should be a deep orange.'

'Excuse me, Sir', Malfoy said and I looked at him coolly, 'I believe Harry is cheating. Hermione is helping him.' And I knew that that was a purposeful lie.

I took my time to walk towards the back of the class once more, feeling everyone's eyes on me as I went. None of this affected me for I wasn't the type of person to feel intimidated when students took liberty to stare my way. And so when I found myself near Harry's table once more, for Malfoy was at the table nearest to him, I surveyed Malfoy with mild interest.

'Cheating, you say, Mr. Malfoy?' I asked smirking and I bounced back on my heels then peered into his cauldron. His potion was a deep shade of green, almost vomit-like.

'Yes Sir, I just saw her whisper something to him', Malfoy said too sure of himself and I felt like humiliating him for his lack of interest in his work and his curiosity in the goings on at the table nearby.

Mr. Malfoy, your nosiness will take you nowhere in life. Have you ever heard the saying that a nosy man is one that faces much trouble in life?' and I watched him shake his head as his face registered shock from being embarrassed by me of all people. 'And I find it highly amusing that you have so generous an interest in what is going on elsewhere and not at your own work at hand. Zero'. I said and waved my wand to clear his cauldron.

I heard a few people snicker here and there and my eyes met Harry's who was staring at me with a look of shock on his face. Never had I resorted to insult Malfoy. It was always Harry who got the full blow of my insults but I just couldn't do that to him, especially with how I was feeling about him. He had to count himself lucky but if anyone asked, I'd make a comment on his excellent work in class in my avoidance in insulting him.

And as I dismissed the class and watched everyone pack up, I suddenly felt my spirits dampen. Thinking to myself what a fucked up life I had, I realised that I had made my life like this. If I had paid more attention to other people's feelings instead of dwelling on my dark life, then I would have been a nicer person. And maybe that was why everything was so hard for me sometimes. Maybe that was why I was in such a situation with one of my students. I was being punished and God wanted to see how I'd deal with it since I always played the know it all who believed he could face everything in life. Maybe the spy thing had gotten too much to my head, I thought as my eyes rested on Potter. He was at the back of the line, observing me with his cool green eyes.

Even from this distance I could see them as clear as if he had been standing in front of me. It was remarkable what his eyes could do to me. Captivating me with such force that I'd find myself becoming lost in him completely, forgetting my place and how I was supposed to carry myself as a teacher. And as he reached up front, I found my eyes travelling towards the other bottles of potions submitted already. I couldn't look at him because something else would pass between us that would leave me entangled in that web of passion and desire again. I'd begin fantasising and then it would leave me hopeless as I'd watch him leave.

'Potter', I said as he stood there, 'excellent brewing today. I admired your skill at following instructions.' And I wanted to add 'for a change' at the end but thought better of it.

'Thank you, Professor', he said softly and my eyes moved over his hand as he rested the vile on my desk.

Glancing around to see if anyone was looking, I watched as he took out a sheet of parchment from between his book. And he slid it on top of my mark book which was on the table right before me. All the while my eyes were following these movements. So when I did look up once again, he was walking away and I was left to stare blandly at the folded up sheet of parchment before me.

Later that evening when I had resorted to my room, tired and exhausted, I took off my shoes and slipped off my coat. Pouring myself a finger of Scotch, I slumped unto one of my caramel coloured sofas and rested my head back. I lay there with my eyes closed for a few minutes, savouring the silence and then as usual, visions of Harry invaded my peaceful mind. Remembering the parchment, I reached out and into the pocket of my coat. I took it out and unfolded it, then began to read it, very slowly with an open mind.

(Writer's note: To save you time, I'll re-state the letter here)

_Dear Professor Snape,_

_There aren't enough words to explain how I'm truly feeling right now about me, about life and about you. I guess I could begin by saying that I can feel this hurricane building up inside my body. My emotions are just turning around and around and I don't have the strength to stop it from self destructing me. With every day that goes by since Thursday, I'm feeling as if my heart is being ripped to pieces and it pains. It really hurts so bad that I don't know what to do._

_At nights I can't sleep anymore because thoughts of you just take me over. All these emotions come rushing in: anger, hate, love, all at once. I find myself aching to cry so badly every second of the day because of how I feel. I can't hold any of this any longer inside of me. I can't even tell my friends how I feel because I'm afraid they'd judge me like you probably did when you saw how I felt about you. If I had known Occlumency was like that I would have never agreed to it. Those memories were very personal to me; especially the ones with me and Ginny and Cho as well as Tonks._

_I should have treasured their love for me because it was far easier then to love them as compared to loving you like this. I love a person who hates me and who wants nothing to do with me. I was so stupid to allow myself to fall for you like this. How could you change from hating someone so badly to loving them so much? Every second of the day I want to feel what it would be like to touch you, to kiss you and hug you. I want you to kiss me back and tell me you love me and I wish most of all that I wasn't your student because then we'd be able to be together if you loved me back. _

_But you'd never love me back. I'm nothing like Lucius who is way mature and far better looking than me. I wear stupid glasses that make me look like a freak. You probably laughed after you saw how I felt about you. You probably just said you're sorry because you pity how I feel and what I'm going through. _

_Severus Snape I love you. I really do love you and I love you so bad that every second without you, without seeing you, my life isn't happy. When I do get to be around you I just want you to stay with me all the time and not to leave. Like those times when you came to Grimmauld's Place, I just wanted you to stay and talk to me. I wanted you there but you always left at the time when I needed to talk to you the most. You just broke the conversation and left me standing there like a child. I want you to know that as much as you'd think I'm a child and I'm still immature, I've been through a lot. I've been through things that teens my age haven't even faced as yet. You don't know what it's like being me, Snape. You just don't know how it feels to live my life. _

_I hate my life. I hate my only living relatives because they make my life a living hell. I hate how so many people believe that I'm lying about Voldemort and I'm just a boy who needs pitying because he has no parents. I hate how people take everything I have and what I do and make it a big issue. I just wanted to be normal. I want to be someone who people can treat like just another person._

_I wished that you weren't my teacher. Why couldn't we have met somewhere else and you weren't a Death Eater serving the one person who wants me dead? How come love for me has become so hard? I was never really comfortable being with those girls at all. I know that's how it appeared to you when you saw my memories but it wasn't like that. They wanted me but I never wanted them so much. All I wanted was you. You were the only one who made me feel how loving a person feels like. I have never felt like this for anyone else, trust me. Never have I wanted to touch and long to see someone like you so badly. _

_Please don't hate me for loving you. I just am so confused about all of this that I wished it never happened. I've never been so hurt in my life. The only thing that I want right now is for you to love me back. _

_Snape I really want that. That's all I want. I want to touch you, even if it's a hug. Please. I just don't want you to hate me. I should be used to it because that's all you ever felt for me before but right now I just want more._

_I'm crying right now and I'm in the Common Room. I don't think I can write anymore because my eyes are burning. _

_Harry P._

And his letter was so deep and sincere that when I was finished, my cheeks were moist with tears. I was completely anguished by his words, hurt by his confusion of how I felt for him and torn after reading that he believed me to hate him. When I read how Harry compared himself with Lucius, it pained me terribly. Not only did I feel he was being totally unfair about his comparisons but I also believed that he was in such a situation where his self esteem had fallen greatly. I couldn't refrain from feeling completely embarrassed at my behaviour towards him, how I had rejected and ignored him and how I had purposely avoided his feelings. How could I be so mean? What was I cursed with that made me resort to ignore people's feelings?

Even though Dumbledore had made it clear about my position and my stance in Harry's life: being his protector and teacher, I couldn't help but wonder how he expected me to forgo my feelings like if it was a frivolous matter. Did he expect me to get over this in a day or even soon? What did Dumbledore know about love anyway? I thought as I reread the letter again. This time I paid generous attention to his words and his longing to hold, touch and kiss...dear God. I covered my eyes with my hands and felt this terrible pain rip through my heart at his sincere honesty and openness with me. And I clearly understood how he felt when he said he hated his life for I knew what that was like. Many of times I wished my life had been better. I wished that I had not done what I did with the Prophecy. But that was the past and I had to live with it for the rest of my life.

I wished things were different as well. I wanted to wake up and find myself in a life where my name was cleared, I wasn't a teacher and I still knew Harry. At that moment, I realised that he meant everything to me. I wanted him so bad that it ached to just read how he felt the very same way for me as I felt for him. And yet I couldn't do anything about it for my own good and his as well. I couldn't give in even to such demanding and painful suggestions of him being able to touch me and hold me. I wished that I had indeed stayed longer at Grimmauld's Place when I had the opportunity. I wanted to relive those memories and be able to spend longer periods with him. I'd never leave him out in the cold like I did before.

He felt that I was treating him like a child and I felt guilty for I had indeed being doing that. He was a child in my eyes. I was currently thirty five and he is merely fifteen years old. That was absolutely forbidden in many people's eyes, but in Harry's mind and mine, I saw things wrong with that yes, but our love overrode such ludicrous attempts to estimate love to be something simple. How could someone underestimate the power of love? Of course I found our age difference a problem but I loved him, for God's sake. I loved Harry so much with all my heart and if he only knew that I felt the same way about him, he'd understand me more. He'd understand that I found it hard to sleep at nights too and wished for the things he wanted as well.

By the time I had finished reading his letter a sixth time, I folded it up neatly and pressed it to my chest, feeling my heart flutter under my black satin shirt. If he only knew that it was him I loved more than anyone and I'd do anything to be with him. That was why I was holding back because I wanted him to be safe. I figured that I'd have to talk to him no matter what. I didn't care if Dumbledore disapproved but I'd have to speak to him tomorrow.

And so I began to rehearse what I'd say to him. But the words didn't come clearly and I resorted to allow the words to flow tomorrow based on what would happen. Of course I wouldn't express my true feelings for him. I'd have to lie to protect myself and him but I figured that the most I could do was to talk to him about me not hating him as he mentioned. At least he'd know that I cared and would somehow feel a little better. But little did I know it would prove to be a most difficult task.

oOoOoOoOoOo

(Harry)

I was in the Common Room when Angelina came up to tell me that Snape had asked to see me. Of course, the first thing that came to mind was my letter to him. I felt extremely nervous as I listened to Angelina tell me that he wanted to see me in his office and even though I tried, I couldn't stop my heart rate from increasing. Getting up, I counted myself fortunate that neither Hermione nor Ron were here tonight for they had gone to the library to look up some stuff. The very thought of them hearing that Snape wanted to see me would give Hermione the opportunity to attack me once again with questions. She had done that earlier after Potions class, throwing question after question at me, asking me how come Snape had complimented me and how come he came up so close to me. Then she resorted to admitting that maybe he had gotten a brainwave and was now trying to be nice to me. I left it at that.

And now as I went along the corridors with Snape's office as my destination, I just wanted to turn around back and go the other way. I couldn't face him. What would he tell me? He'd probably lament on how wrong this all was and how homosexuality wasn't right and blah, blah, blah. I could picture him trying to console me, his pale face turning soft and kind as he assured me that I'd get over what I was feeling. I didn't want to hear that. I wanted to hear him say that he loved me and cared for me. I wanted him to understand how I felt, not to judge me. And I honestly believed at that moment that he'd judge me. I passed Luna in the hallway and she smiled wryly at me.

'Hello, Harry. Going for a midnight walk?' she asked in her dreamy voice and I couldn't help but smile.

'Ah, yes, actually I was.'

'Be careful though, this place is full of nargles.' And she waved her hand over her head. 'Where are you headed?'

I looked at her for awhile and then made a decision in my mind. I didn't want to go to Snape's office. The last thing I needed was to feel bad once more and right now, I was surprisingly in high spirits about something. Maybe it was Luna that made me feel suddenly happy. She always had a way of making you feel comfortable and wanted. And as I stood there, I realised that I didn't want to go to his office to speak about our relationship. I'd feel extremely intimidated, especially discussing my feelings with him. How could I sit opposite him and talk about love and being probably gay when he was the one that I loved and wanted to be with? That would feel really wrong. Noone would understand but I just couldn't do it. And so I turned around and fell into step with Luna.

'Nowhere in particular', I said smiling, 'mind if I walk with you?'

'Oh no problem, Harry, just keep a watch for the nargles', she said and gazed at me with her eyes wide.

oOoOoOoOoOo

(Snape)

Because I was expecting Harry to come into my office, I had two chairs placed at the corner to accommodate us. At first I believed it appeared a bit too personal and intimate because of the proximity of the chairs but I left them there out of laziness. I just didn't feel like getting up and fixing them any other way. It had been an exhausting day for me and I was saving my energy to speak with Harry. But as the time moved on and the hour went by, I began to honestly feel that he wasn't coming. And I should have expected that, had I not been so dense in my expectations of him. Of course he wouldn't show. I found it so desirous for him to show up that I had merely wiped the thought of him denying my offer out of my mind. Sitting there like a fool, I waited and waited for that soft knock on my door. I anticipated the sound of his voice and the appearance of his extremely sexy dishevelled hair. But he didn't come.

Honestly, I had to admit that I grew very angry with him. My old self was returning and I found myself hating him for wasting my time, for completely disregarding my feelings about him and for failing to meet me to discuss this situation at hand. If he really was affected by it all then why didn't he show up? Didn't he understand that I wanted to assist him? I wanted to help us to work something out and I wanted him to be happy and not depressed. Or was the letter a hide up for him mocking me? I got up and begun to pace the room in long strides, my robe flapping around at my feet as I made my turns and continued the other way. This was absurd. He wanted me to treat him like an adult and yet he didn't have the decency to comply with me talking to him?

I walked to my desk and sat down, feeling my emotions rushing through me. And at ten o'clock I gave up. Four hours had gone by and he didn't come so why would I sit there like a fool and wait any further? It was obvious that he wasn't coming and as much as I'd believed that he had somehow been busy and had been held back from coming, I was now convinced that he had just chosen not to come and talk to me. Of course, I felt utterly unwanted and unappreciated. Many would say that that's not how the Snape they knew felt and behaved but when it's my heart and love you're talking about here, that Snape changed. I always softened at love since I was a boy and I still did unto now. And if Harry had chosen to leave me here without coming and even without sending a message to tell me that he wasn't coming, then he had no concern for my feelings whatsoever.

'Damn you, Harry', I muttered to myself and the room at large. 'I can't take this anymore!'

I could imagine a few bugs eavesdropping to my ludicrous lamentations and I sighed. I was getting stark raven mad. He was driving me crazy! Here I was talking to myself like a lunatic and he was probably upstairs revelling in sweet dreams.

And maybe, I thought to myself this time, maybe it was a good thing that he didn't show. For if he did, I would have said something out of the way, or the situation would have gotten somehow out of hand. And maybe we would have ended up acting in a manner that wouldn't be right for either of us. I could feel his hands on my face as I sat there and even though I could only imagine, the sensation felt entirely real. It was no fantasy to dream about Harry. Oh how I couldn't get the idea out of my head in wanting to ravish him in kisses.

oOoOoOoOoOo

After that night when I hadn't showed up when Snape had called for me, I kept avoiding him. It would seem crazy to some and faith to others but ever since that night, I kept seeing him more and more than ever. It was Thursday today, and I had double Potions. Even before his class, I had seen him almost five times walking along the corridor, his black robe flapping around his feet and his dark eyes focused on mine. It was until I was caught off guard by him that I finally noticed something strange.

There I was standing with Hermione in the corridor when her eyes darted up above my head. I just knew he was standing behind me because I could suddenly feel him there. I don't know how to explain it really but my body responded almost automatically to his closeness. I could feel goosebumps springing up on my back and my feet felt rooted to the spot as I stood there. Even when he spoke I couldn't move.

'Mr. Potter, might I have a word?' his voice asked behind me, low and steady.

I watched Hermione's expression turn from cheerful to mild curiosity as she looked at me then at him. And I finally gathered the courage to turn around. It was his eyes that caught my attention the most. His dark eyes were the first thing my gaze rested on and as I looked at him and he looked back at me, I knew that he had been crying or he had the most terrible night ever. Those clear dark eyes that found it natural to survey me at every opportunity that they got were now blotched red and moist a little too moist. I didn't know what to make of it but the conclusion I got to was that he had been crying. Maybe he woke up too late or maybe someone had pissed him off. But I believed he had been crying.

'I have a class now, Sir', I said feeling as if I just had to brush him off. I don't know why but over the past few days since I had not showed up at his office when he asked to see me, there was something building inside me that felt like extreme anger and passion. In order to get rid of that feeling, I forced myself to stay away from him as much as possible. And the last thing I needed right now was for him to speak to me privately.

He gazed back at me and just for about three seconds, I saw something flicker in his eyes. I didn't know what it was. And without even replying, he nodded then turned around and walked off.

'What was that about?' Hermione asked quietly from behind me and purposely shrugged as if I didn't know.

'Don't know', I said calmly.

'He's been paying a lot of attention to you lately', she said as we walked down the corridor. 'Is there something I should know, Harry?'

'I wonder what Umbridge has in store for us today', I said and felt relieved when she immediately forgot about it all and began to lament on Umbridge's teaching methods.

And later that evening, right before I went to the Common Room to meet Hermione and Ron, I saw him one more time lingering in the shadows along a corridor. His long black robe was gathered at his feet and I saw that his hands hung limply to his sides. From where I stood, I couldn't help but imagine once again how his black hair would feel between my fingers. I could instantly hear Ron's voice in my head, telling me that that shoulder length black hair needed shampoo and a good combing. But I didn't think so. I loved his hair just as it was. His back was to me and as I drew closer, I found myself turning around and walking back the other way.

He was waiting on me. He had to be.

But where was I to go now? There was only one way to the stairs and he was in my way. If I went past him without saying something, he would obviously call out to me and then we'd be alone. God only knew how I'd feel to have him standing there in front of me with his eyes on mine. I'd feel...I shuddered to even think of it. And then I found myself thinking of how I was behaving like a stupid sissy. Was this how Harry Potter acted? Dammit! I hated love! I hated how I felt! Why couldn't it have been a girl instead of Snape? I turned around and walked back down the corridor, my eyes not on him, but on the staircase ahead of me.

As I passed him, I knew he had turned to look at me go. I just knew he stood there looking at me and before I could put my foot on the first step up, I heard his dull footsteps behind me.

'Potter', he said in that low and steady and sexy curt accent that made me think of...dammit.

'Good evening, Sir', I said turning around to face him. 'Sorry I walked past you. You seemed so lost in thought.'

He considered me for a moment then he began to step back slowly into the shadows once more. I watched him do that and couldn't help but feel that he was daring me to...there was this look in his eyes that made me feel very scared as if he was daring me to –

'Do spare me a moment, Mr. Potter', he said softly and I watched him step back until his back was to the hard concrete wall and then he stopped. 'I need to speak with you.'

'I have to get back to the Common Room', I said in a small voice feeling rather soft inside. 'Ron and Hermione are waiting on –'

'I can clearly recall that on certain occasions over the summer when we were in each other's presence, you hardly wanted me to leave you', he said looking at me. 'And now I am giving you such an occasion to speak freely with me and you most quickly...refuse such an offer.'

'So all of a sudden you want to hear what I have to say?' I asked with my eyes on his. 'You want me to stay?'

'More than anything', he said watching me. 'I want you to tell me how you feel.'

'Don't do that, Snape', I warned as I felt myself becoming aroused at his words.

'What am I doing?' he asked trying to look confused but I knew his intentions were clear.

'Don't mock me. You already know how I feel.'

'Do I?'

'Please don't do that', I begged as I saw a small smile play on his tempting lips.

'Don't do what?'

My throat was becoming parched and it wasn't water I needed. The only thing that could wet my throat was his lips on mine, his body against mine and his breath on my face. I knew that he could read my mind as I stood there and I allowed it to happen freely. I wanted him to know that my letter was true, everything I had written was true and from my heart. And after I was sure that he had seen what I was envisioning him doing to me, I saw his expression change from having himself in full control to losing control of himself entirely. And right at that moment, I found myself walking forward without knowing what the hell I was doing.

When I was about a foot from him, he began to step away, with fear in his dark eyes. One step back, two, three then four steps back and he found himself in another crook in the corridor. This time, we were found ourselves in a small rectangular space between the concrete walls, in the shadows and quite hidden from anyone who'd walk past along the corridor.

'Don't tempt me', I finally said as we stood inches from one another.

'I don't know what you're talking about, Potter', he said blandly with fear in his eyes still. 'If you don't explain to me how you feel without writing it down, then I'm afraid I have to admit that I don't know what –'

And I leant forward and did the unimaginable. My lips met his and I held them there, feeling bolts of pleasure shoot through my body, bringing on the beginnings of that feeling of bliss. Being any normal boy, I just had to have more so I parted his lips, opening his mouth a little and slid my hot tongue inside. I could feel his body becoming so tense but I felt that I had to continue. I closed my mouth over his and immediately, the taste of his mouth on mine, his breath on my face and his body against mine made my knees grow extremely weak. There I stood trying to hold onto my sanity as I fought with the forces of pleasure and arousal ripping through me. I felt myself grow hard before he did and when I did feel his length pressing against me, I welcomed it with satisfaction.

I felt utterly relieved that I was getting a response from him. And then when I wasn't even expecting it, Snape began to kiss me back. When he bit my bottom lip with his teeth and I felt his hands on my neck, I couldn't hold on any longer. My body grew weak and I believed I would have sunk to the floor if he didn't grab out and hold me steady. With his hands firmly pressing unto my back, the heat of his body radiating onto mine, I pressed him back against the wall and kissed him back hungrily. Our tongues found each other's and when his flicked against mine, I moaned. It was all I wanted to do, it was happening and it better not be a dream, I found myself thinking at that moment as he bit my lip passionately once more and then ravished me with his hot, wet kisses.

'Harry', I heard him moan into my mouth as I began to rub against him, trying to allow that aroused bubble to burst. 'Please –'

I closed my mouth over his once more and kissed him but he wasn't kissing me back. Even though he wasn't, I still kissed him back, running my hands through his hair and feeling its silky texture between my fingers. Ron was wrong about his hair. Everyone was wrong about him. He wasn't anything like what they imagine him to be. I reached down and allowed my fingers to brush over his erect penis hidden beneath the fabric of his pants and he shuddered against me. And I lost control. I let my hand grab his penis softly and I felt his fingers dig into my back through my shirt. He immediately pulled away from my mouth, and leant back against the wall.

But then, just as quick as we had started, I felt his hand on my hand and he was pulling it away. I looked back at him and saw him looking at me with his eyes wide and wet from tears: tears of pleasure or satisfaction, I didn't know at that moment.

'Harry, stop...please', he begged holding unto my hand and he used his other hand to push me away from him not forcibly but softly as if he had lost all energy inside of him. 'I can't...I can't do this.'

'I want you Snape', I breathed onto his cheek in the dark. 'Please...'

'No, Harry. It's not...right', and he stepped away from me.

I could feel the tears burning behind my eyelids as I looked back at him because I felt so hurt. I didn't understand why he did what he did. And I bit my lips. We stepped back out onto the corridor and I was relieved to find that it was empty. Snape just stood there, his cheeks moist with tears and his eyes filled with hurt and pain. Didn't he want me after I kissed him like that and he kissed me back? What did I do wrong? I couldn't voice these questions because I couldn't find my voice. It was gone.

'I'm sorry', Snape said hoarsely and he raised a hand to wipe his face. 'That shouldn't have happened...I shouldn't have...I'm sorry.'

I just stared back at him and felt as if I was about to die. My heart felt as if it had stopped beating and anger began to rise inside of me. There he was standing in front of me, telling me that he was sorry when that was all I wanted from him. I felt immediately upset as if I wanted to vomit and stepped back.

'Harry, don't...please.' And he stepped forward tentatively. 'I need to...we need to talk about this.'

'There's nothing to talk about', I said through tears. 'I'm sorry too.' And I wiped my eyes. 'I'm sorry for loving you when you obviously don't.'

'Don't say that', he said looking hurt. 'I do love you. I just cannot –'

'Shut up!' I found myself shouting at him, and I watched him cringe at my tone of voice. 'What is wrong with you? You stand there after what happened and tell me that you're sorry? I wanted that and it was obvious that you did too and now you stand there and act as if I'm a demented piece of shit!'

My voice wasn't that loud to tell you the truth. In fact, the surrounding area had suddenly started to press against me. I felt as if a vacuum was trying to suck me in because Snape was becoming hazy. My eyes were burning and I began to grow very dizzy. And before I knew it, I was losing my balance.

'Harry?'

Snape's voice sounded as if he was far away and I sank to the floor. My vision swan as I sat there trying to focus on his face but try as I might, nothing sharpened. Everything remained fuzzy. I could make out Snape's figure as he came towards me quickly and when he stooped next to me, I tried to find my voice but my throat was parched. I felt his hand press against my forehead and I batted it away weakly. And when he tried to pull me up, I pulled away my hand and tried to regain my composure. What was happening to me?

'Harry what –'

'Fuck you', I said through gritted teeth. 'I hate you Severus Snape. Leave me alone.' And I turned around, grabbed hold on the banister of the staircase and stepped onto it.

'You don't mean that', I heard him say from behind me and his voice was low and daring. It was glad to hear that he was returning to teacher mode.

'I do mean it', I said turning around to face him, 'from the first time I met you in my first year, I realised that you were the most hideous and most ignorant person I have ever come to know. And over the years knowing you, I have also realised', and I felt the staircase tremble beneath my feet, 'that you are the last person on this earth that I'd ever want to be with, to be familiar with and to want in my life. Loving you has proven to me what a sorry asshole you are, what a cold, conceited man you are and what a heartless fucked up teacher you have always been. And I will repeat this once and for all, I don't love you. Fuck off.'

And he actually meant to come after me because I saw the flicker of deep hurt and surprise at my words behind his eyes. I saw him blink a few times and when he realised that I had swore at him twice and I had insulted him beyond means, he began to walk towards me. But before he could even reach the staircase, I felt it lurch and it began to move upwards. And you know what? With the mood I was in, I didn't even look back down until I was upstairs. And when I did, I could have sworn that he was gone but when I looked hard, I saw Snape, back against the wall, with his eyes on me. And he was clearly angry. We stood where we were staring at each other for quite some time and it was until Dumbledore happened to show up on his end that he broke his eye contact with me. I saw the two of them exchange greetings and then I moved away from view, stepping onto the landing.

'What the devil are you staring at with such fury, Severus?' Dumbledore's voice drifted up the stairs to me. 'I have never seen you look that way since the last time you saw Sirius Black.'

'It was nothing, Professor', Snape said and then I heard a staircase below creak. Looking down I saw that he had stepped onto one indeed and it was coming my way.

I immediately walked towards the Fat Lady's portrait and stated the password. When the door swung open, I walked past the persons in the Common Room without even looking for Hermione or Ron. And I stalked up the stairs and into the dormitory. Neville was there lying on his bed. I sat on mine with my face tense and my nerves prickled, listening for his footsteps on the stairs outside. But there was none. It seemed as if he hadn't intended to come after me after all, because he never showed up that night.

_**Writer: I hope this chapter was alright. Many of you wanted a 'moment' between the two of them and there, I gave you what you wanted. It didn't turn out great did it? My story isn't all mushy and simple like a fairytale because love isn't like that in real life. It takes things from us, leaves us heartbroken and worst of all, love challenges us to the maximum. But like my girlfriend always says, after the storm there's the hope of getting a chance to see the rainbow. PLEASE REVIEW!**_


	6. Chapter 6

(Snape)

The days that followed were all engulfed in depression, hurt and utter sadness for me. At times I'd find myself desiring to kick a wall or throw a book forcefully at a student who simply asked me a question. And as much as I tried to forget that moment when his lips had met mine and we had shared that brief intimate feeling, the visions just kept haunting me. I'd be sitting in the Staff Room alongside Minerva and his face would flash before me. The smell of his hair and aftershave would take control of my mind and I'd have to force myself to get up and seek a seat elsewhere in fear of Minerva detecting my tense attire. Not only did I envision him touching me, but I also heard his last words ringing in my head every damn day, every minute of it.

And at times when Potions class would arrive on Thursdays, my feet grew roots, making me feel most happy to remain in the Staff Room. But the thing that I couldn't keep under control anymore when he was around was my anger. Ever since that night when he had swore at me and related those horrible statements, I couldn't stop thinking of them.

_Hideous. _

_Ignorant._

_Sorry Asshole._

_Cold and Conceited._

_Heartless and Fucked up._

I casually glanced up as Minerva attempted to pour me another cup of steaming black tea, her eyes on me. Nodding, she proceeded and I remained silent, my eyes every now and again flickering over at the page she was reading in the Daily Prophet. And all of a sudden, I felt my eyes become moist, too moist. I sipped my tea and bit my lips, trying to desist from losing my composure. There was nothing I could do now that he had turned against me. If he had said those things to me then I could clearly come to the conclusion that his love for me was now extinguished. But was it possible to completely turn against someone in such a quick instance? I figured it would be possible if anyone was rejected by someone they really loved. What a fool I was in love. How could I have just brushed him off like that? I spitefully took a little too much scalding tea into my mouth and felt I deserved it when the pain stung my mouth.

Damn you, Severus Snape!

'Severus is something the matter?' Minerva quietly asked, her eyes still on the page. 'You seem glum today.'

'I'm always glum, Minerva.'

'No you aren't. Not around me. You always lament about this student or another and you'd constantly drill in my head how much Potter is like his father. But not today.' And she reached out to lift her porcelain cup to her lips.

'My mind is just occupied today', I said turning to gaze out of the window, and trying to not look her in the eyes.

'Is it occupied with a person or work?'

'A person', I said and bit my tongue for I had let it slip. How silly of me! 'What I meant to say was that it's –'

'Lucius?' she suggested and shrugged. 'How has it been between you two? Still tension?'

And I figured that I might rather speak of Lucius than dwell into thoughts of _him._ Dear God, I couldn't even think of his name! I couldn't even say his name as well.

'We keep our distance. He has his life now and I have mine.'

'I just never understood how come he ended up with Narcissa Black', she said smugly. 'Such a handsome man and he went for such filth. Honestly, he should have stayed with you.'

'Well things didn't work out for us', I said and instantly had a flash back of Lucius and I arguing. 'He always loved her.'

'Are you still heartbroken over him?'

I looked at her and frowned a bit, not because I was uncertain of my answer but because I had never given it much thought before. 'Bit, but I don't think I can love someone again. There's always this uncertainty on my part as to whether it will end bad or not.'

'Hmm, the heart mends', and she hummed a verse from 'Swing low, sweet chariot'. 'I'd wager that you'd honestly give someone else a chance if that opportunity came along, wouldn't you?'

'I can't', I said pained.

'You can't or you wouldn't?' and her forehead creased as she shifted her body to face me.

'Can't, he's out of bounds.'

'And by out of bounds you mean you can't be with him because of some debating reason.' Her eyes remained on me as I continued to gaze out of the window.

'Yes.'

'And such reason is?'

'His age', I said absentmindedly and sighed until I heard Minerva's cup fall to the floor, shattering the porcelain into shards of white painted bits.

'Oh dear', she said after she had waved her wand to clear up the mess. 'Don't tell me now that it's Draco because that's just –'

'It's not Draco Malfoy', I said defensively. 'I don't want to talk about it really.'

'Alright', she said and suddenly checked her watch with a start. 'I have the third years now, sadly. You have a nice afternoon. The last thing I want to hear is you saying you're in love with Potter, because that will be hilarious.' And she got up stiffly then left with her carpet bag under her arm.

I was left to stare after her, my head quite fuzzy at that moment for I honestly believed she knew what situation I was in with Potter and was trying to send a warning to me indirectly.

Checking my watch I realised that I had the fifth years ten minutes from now. And although I dreaded it, I rose lazily, stretched my arms above my head, yawned widely and took up my Mark Book. I was definitely in this mood to spring an oral test on them this afternoon. Oh how I savoured their tense faces and puzzled expressions as the questions were asked. But little did I know that Mr. Potter would switch around my desired pleasant mood to one of anger and disbelief.

(Harry)

We sat about ten minutes in the Dungeons waiting for his sorry ass. In the mean while, I scribbled small drabbles of insults I'd like to shoot at him like tiny bullets, watching as his face broke down with glee. I know that it was wrong to want him to suffer so badly but he had hurt me terribly and I just wanted revenge. It was a typical teenager thing to want revenge especially when it came to love but I didn't believe many of my friends could be able to share their experiences with me on that one. Looking warily around the class, I wondered how many of them had loved people much older than them. And that was when I just happened to notice Malfoy drawing something in his book. Leaning over, my eyes widened as I saw the heart with his initials penned in ink in the middle followed by S.S.

Was he referring to Snape? Blimey he was...

The class room door banged open and the sallow face tight ass bat waltzed in. Everyone's eyes followed him as he made his grand entrance but mine were on my hands which were rested on the table. I decided to add one more scribble to my page of insults to him.

_**You're so lame, I bet you'd shag a cauldron just to get some release...been a long time eh?**_

'Good afternoon', he said in his silky curt tone and all of a sudden the sound of his voice made my insides squirm. Not long before that voice used to set me on fire but not today. Today it was absolute war.

Without waiting for replies from us he continued. 'Today I have decided to give you an oral examination just to see how your revision is going.'

_**Oral my ass, Snape. Are you referring to a blowjob? Because it's going to be a long time before you get one, unless Malfoy agrees.**_

And my mind suddenly began to wonder to the art of a blowjob. I had never done one on a guy before and wondered how it would feel to get one done to me. Of course Ginny once tried grind against me and I did that to Cho but it wasn't a blowjob. You had to use your mouth didn't you? Or your hands?

'Mr. Weasley', Snape's voice called from in front of the class and I felt Ron jerk beside me. 'Name one potion in which sliced caterpillars can be used in.'

I looked up at Ron just in time to see him turn crimson. 'Uh...um, I don't know.'

Hermione's hand was flying in the air like a flag as usual and I saw Snape's eyes glaze over her as if she was invisible. 'When I ask a question then you answer. If I don't ask you questions then please refrain from making yourself an idiot in waving your hand in the air.'

I watched as Hermione's hand immediately went down, and her cheeks were crimson now.

'Mr. Malfoy', Snape said striding up the aisle towards Draco and I saw him snap his book shut, his hands pressed upon its cover. 'Care to answer?'

'No, Sir', he said calmly. 'I really don't know the answer but you can ask me another –'

'Zero for you and Mr. Weasley', Snape said cutting him off smoothly and he went to stand before Neville who was cowering over his book like a child about to be scolded. 'Mr. Longbottom, answer the question.'

I was about to believe Neville wouldn't have said anything but I was proven wrong when I heard a squeak come from him.

'Speak up, boy.'

'Caterpillars are, um, used in the-the Shrinking Solution.'

'Of course you'd remember that wouldn't you, Mr. Longbottom. I can clearly remember in your third year when you carelessly concocted such potion and I threatened to have you feed your toad it. If Ms. Granger hadn't helped you, I dare say you wouldn't have a...toad with you unto this day.'

And I heard Malfoy and a few other people laugh. How could I have believed that this man had the capability of being nice? He was cruel down to his bone and not even love could change him because he had no heart obviously. Maybe Voldemort ripped out their hearts when they became Death Eaters or something. I just couldn't see people becoming Death Eaters just like that. They had to give up something.

'Let's see', Snape continued as he carried his Mark Book in his arm, quill poised in mid air. I felt his eyes travel over me and instantly I grew queasy inside. 'Mr. Finnigan, when brewing the Boil Cure Potion, if the porcupine quills are added before the cauldron is taken off the fire, what happens?'

I looked over at Seamus and saw him swallow nervously then like we Gryffindors did on most occasions in Snape's class, I watched as he sat up straight and gathered every bit of courage he had inside of him. He was thinking about it.

'We don't have all day', Snape said tapping his feet lightly, smirking.

'The uh, quills get burnt more than expected?' Seamus guessed and everyone laughed.

I could have sworn that I saw a smile tug at Snape's lips but forced myself to not believe I saw correctly.

'Very humorous, Mr. Finnigan but sadly that leaves you with a zero', and Snape turned around almost too quickly, his robe swirling around his feet. 'Ms. Know-it-all Granger', he drawled as he came towards our table.

I was trying as much as possible to look anywhere else but at him.

'Why don't you free yourself and blurt out the answer.'

'It uh, when the porcupine quills are added before the cauldron is taken off the fire, the mixture produces clouds of um, acid green smoke and a loud hissing that melts the cauldron.'

And then I felt Snape's eyes on me. I just knew I'd be next and I tried as much as I could to relax so that I could remember anything that he had taught me to answer his damn question. I wanted to prove to him that I had been revising and I could remember things AND that I was smarter than he thought I was.

'Mr. Potter', he said standing there probably bursting with hate and fury. 'What potion is Moonstone used in and what is its effect on a person?'

I just couldn't believe this! He had never given us anything on the Moonstone and yet, I can clearly remember when I was up in the library one day with Hermione, I came across this book that dealt with 'Potions and Remedies to ail love sick people'. The asshole was mocking me! He was clearly trying to send me a direct message as to tell me of my lack of control over my feelings! He'd have it, I thought as I lifted my eyes full with hate to meet his.

'Moonstone is used in various Potions including the Draught of Peace. It's known to be found in a variety of colours preferably white, pale white and light blue. Its supposed magical effects include helping a person to gain emotional balance.' And I stopped, my eyes on his as he stared back at me in obvious awe.

'Very good, Mr. Potter', he said still keeping his eyes on mine. 'Full marks.'

The entire class was obviously shocked by this announcement, even Hermione who turned to look at me with absolute awe. What did she think of me? That I was a dunce? Oh honestly I sometimes believed she really thought I had no capability of excelling in anything. And even when I did excel, she'd scrutinise me as if to say that I somehow got away with it by luck or something. Ron on the other hand was beaming.

'It's great to see that you are studying', Snape continued and my eyes met his once more. 'I dare say you are using your time wisely these days instead of allowing it to wander unto frivolous matters.'

'I always use my time wisely, Sir', I said boldly not afraid of him. 'And whichever frivolous matters you are referring to, I have no account of such.'

'Very well, Potter, if you say so.' And he turned to walk away but I felt obligated to continue as well.

'And what is that supposed to mean, Sir?'

The entire class turned around to face me, some of them shocked and others slightly amused like Dean and Seamus. Ron didn't join them for he looked shocked as well.

Snape didn't turn around but he did stop in his tracks. 'What I meant to say should be clear: I don't believe I am needed to reiterate on the matter.'

'If you say so, Sir', I said.

Snape took awhile before he said what I anticipated but it did come and when it did, not so many were shocked now at his reaction.

'Detention, Potter. See me after class.' And he proceeded to the front of the class where he spent the remainder time in silence, giving up on the orals and demanding that we read over our notes thus far.

I for one found it thoroughly amusing because I loved to watch him stew at his desk. His eyes never met mine while I was boldly studying him. However, when I lowered them to pretend to revise, I honestly felt his gaze on me. This time such an action didn't intimate me. In fact, I felt perfectly fine. This time he couldn't affect me because I had my mind set on him. He was a complete heartless ass.

**He's your teacher, Harry. How would you have expected him to behave?**

My conscience was trying to make me feel guilty at how I was feeling but I wouldn't let it work. Of course he was my teacher but couldn't he have at least spoken to me about how he was feeling instead of telling me plain that what we were doing was wrong? Was that how he handled such things? He tempted me, allowed me to invade his private space without complaining and when he had already kissed me and gave in to that moment of bliss, he chose to pull away and declare that I should stop...as if it was my fault alone!

**It was your fault. You tempted HIM. He didn't tempt you. You're just seeing it the wrong way. Stop being paranoid, Harry.**

Oh shut up! And I grabbed fistfuls of my hair in my hands and massaged my scalp out of frustration. What was I to do now? Suppose I was paranoid and I was the one who tempted him? Should I apologise then? But I couldn't apologise for how I was feeling! That was the truth!

I heard the bell ring and then watched as everyone picked up their belongings. When they got up to leave, I remained seated.

'Behave yourself, Harry', Hermione urged as she took up her bag and books. 'Don't mouth him back. You already have detention.'

'Yea mate', Ron said with a pitiful face, 'the last thing we need right now is for more points to come out of Gryffindor and besides, we have Quidditch practice to think about!'

When they left along with the others, I sat there with my chin propped up in both my hands, staring at the desk. He could come if he wanted but I wasn't getting up to go to him unless he asked me to.

I felt so stupid and yet angry at the same time as I sat there waiting on him: stupid because I now was feeling like a complete idiot in what I did and angry because he had sounded as if the entire blame was on me. As I began to contemplate on what he'd say to me, I heard the dull thuds of his footsteps and knew that he was coming towards me. Surprisingly, I began to grow extremely nervous because my hands started to tingle and I anticipated sweaty palms. I rubbed them against my pants, my eyes still not on his arriving figure.

He sat down on the bench in front of me and my heart began to beat rather fast at him being so near.

'Harry we need to talk', he said calmly and I couldn't help but feel angry at his words, even though that was what I wanted him to say to me.

'What do you want to talk about?' I asked him playing with my quill, 'because I don't feel like talking about anything with you right now.'

'I want to talk about what happened last Friday.'

I wanted to make him as angry as I was feeling, make him feel hurt just like how I was feeling so I pretended that I was unaware of what he was talking about.

'Nothing happened last Friday', I said calmly still twirling my quill before me.

Snape sighed. 'Harry, don't pretend because your intentions are clear.'

'I don't know what you're talking about', I said and braved it enough to look him in the eyes briefly and blandly.

'Please don't do this to me, Harry. I –'

'I'm doing nothing to you!' I exclaimed heatedly. 'It's you that's trying to torment me!'

'I am tormenting you?' he asked shocked and repeated the question but this time he stated it rather than ask. 'I am tormenting you. This is ludicrous, absolutely mental. Here I am actually trying to talk to someone who obviously is set against me to make me a fool.'

'It's not like you aren't already one.'

Snape's eyes flicked at me and they turned steely.

'Stop insulting me, Potter or else you'll be sorry.'

I couldn't help but laugh at his threat because it sounded so stupid to me. 'I'm already sorry. You don't have to make me feel that I need to be.'

He looked at me for awhile as if trying to process my words and then asked, 'what is that supposed to mean?'

'I said to you before: I regret the day I ever fell for such an idiot like you and I'll repeat this now, I don't remember anything. This conversation is over.' And I got up, picked up my bag and slid out from my seat.

He was too quick because before I knew it, Snape was on his feet too. He walked around to block my way from exiting the classroom and as I made attempts to pass by him, he purposely placed himself in front of me.

'Stop harassing me', I said through gritted teeth, 'you can get sacked for this.'

'I am not harassing you. This conversation isn't over until I say it is.'

'Just leave me alone', I begged on the verge of tears out of frustration at him hurting me like this. 'I just want to go. Please, I don't want to talk to you.' And I tried to lash out at him after he refused to move but he grabbed my hands and held them in his.

'Harry, please listen to me', he said softly and kept holding my hands when I tried to pull them away. 'I'm sorry for what I did. I just didn't mean to hurt you like that. Things got too far and it was not what-it wasn't supposed to happen. I shouldn't have let that happen. You have to understand that I'm your teacher and I can't be with you like that.' And he stopped almost too quickly.

I looked up and saw that his eyes were closed and he was trying to somehow compose himself. I had never seen Snape like this before in my life: I mean all the time I had known him. There he was standing before me completely distraught and I suddenly realised that maybe he did care about me. He cared enough to understand how I was feeling and he was trying to deal with it with great care. However, I couldn't help but feel saddened by it all because I was the one who loved him so much, unlike him who didn't know how I was feeling. Would he ever know? But why did he kiss me back that day?

**You kissed him first, so obviously he maybe gave in because he felt as if he had to. But he didn't want to. It was you and only you who felt that way for him. Snape doesn't love you like that. He's not gay. You are.**

'I know', I said painfully and took two deep breaths to gather energy to keep the tears at bay. 'I understand. You don't love me the way I love you.'

oOoOoOoOoOo

When Harry uttered those words to me, I believed that I didn't prepare myself enough for the blow I felt at his misunderstanding. However, I clearly realised that that was what I wanted him to believe. It was painful for me to stand there looking into those green eyes moist with tears and accept what he had said to me. I wanted to declare that he was wrong and that I did love him most sincerely but I couldn't do such a thing.

'I'm sorry for calling you all those names before. You're just really acting as a teacher. Besides', and he reached up to run his fingers through his hair, 'everyone wants the 'Chosen One' kept alive, but no one really loves him. Noone realises that maybe he has no luck with love.' And he inhaled deeply then wiped his eyes. 'I think I'll leave now.'

'Harry', I said softly as he tried to take his hand out of mine. 'Don't be so hard on yourself. People do love you. And you can have luck in love. You'll find it.'

Oh how the words pained me even more to say them. I didn't want him to find someone else. I wanted him. Harry. I wanted to take him in my arms right now and admit that I loved him. Oh God this was so hard! How could you deal with such a delicate situation, especially one involving not only your student's heart but yours as well?

'I only want you', he said. 'Noone else will do. My heart only wants you.'

I couldn't bare it anymore and it was then that I took his hands into mine and pulled him towards me. It would seem as if I hugged him first but it wasn't that to either of us for our bodies just pressed against one another. I could feel his heart beating beneath his shirt and soft skin. I could feel his warmth as usual, radiating from him unto me. And we just stood there holding hands, our bodies touching, not too intimately but close enough.

And when he reached his arms around my waist to hug me, I welcomed it. I welcomed it because I didn't want to break his heart and already I was fully aware that I was on the road to doing that. It had already begun. And as much as I wanted to help ease his suffering in loving someone who couldn't be with him, I couldn't think of any way to make it easier. We'd both suffer the same way: however, he'd be ignorant of the fact that I was about to go down that same road as he was.

'Keep me in your heart then', I said softly and rested my hand on his neck. 'Harry I always knew I was wrong about you. Now I know that you're the kindest, most sincere and loving student I've ever had. And even though you will not believe it, I do care for you. I always will.'

After awhile he pulled away from me and wiped his eyes. I watched him with pain in my heart as he adjusted the strap on his bag and sniffed. 'Bye, Sir.'

And then he was gone. I sat on the edge of a desk and it was then that I saw the bit of parchment lying on the floor. I stooped down to pick it up and as soon as I did, I recognised his handwriting. Sitting there, I read every line of his insults at me. And you know what I did? I actually smiled.

**Writer: This was shorter than expected but I just had to put this up for you anxious readers who have stuck with me thus far. I dare say, I thank you so much for keeping faith with me. Thank you all.**


	7. Chapter 7

*Hey dearest readers I am so sorry for this chapter being so late. My summer has been hectic thus far but here it is finally and I promise that another one will be up sooner. Hope you enjoy it and PLEASE REVIEW! I love to hear from you all *

(Harry)

And after that day, I guess I could say that the days went by very slowly for me. The hours dragged by and even though I used to like doing Occlumency lessons with Dumbledore, I missed Snape at least teaching me one on one. I missed the look in his dark eyes as he would gaze at me, maybe trying to send me a signal that he cared and wanted me to understand. But I just couldn't do that. I still couldn't accept the fact that he cared and understood because my heart was breaking slowly and most painfully. And he was the only one who could help me stop these anguished feelings.

At nights I dreamt about him, how he'd say he loved me and that we'd be together someday. I thought silently as I sat in class about if he would find someone who'd love him better than I did and maybe he'd love them back. Oh why did I have to be his student? Why did I have to be Harry Potter? And why in the world had I fallen for Severus Snape above all other males in the universe?

The Christmas holidays came and I agreed to spend it with Lupin and Sirius because they had asked me to keep them company in that big lonely house. At first I wanted to agree right, because I figured that I'd get in their way when they wanted to become intimate and such. But then I realised that it was either staying with them or the Dursleys. And trust me, I knew what I wanted right there and then.

But Grimmauld's Place held many memories for me, I realised as I sat in last Potions class for that term. I'd think of him being there and then I'd want to think even deeper. And he'd obviously show up for Order meetings right? I mean, although I had realised that I had to get over him, I still wanted to see him. I still believed that it would be perfect to stay with Sirius and Lupin so that I could at least get to see Snape on some occasions. Was that a crime? I guess you'd say it wasn't a good line of thought but I figured that if I saw him a few times, maybe I'd get over him faster, instead of spending the entire summer not hearing or seeing him and just longing to see him again.

However, I was wrong somehow. In fact, I was so stupid to actually believe that seeing him more would increase the rate of me getting over him.

And so my eyes rested on his. Today he had decided to allow us to rest a bit and I was a bit surprised at his change in behaviour. I guess I should have savoured this change in him in class today but my mind was somehow elsewhere. It was always elsewhere these days. Even when Hermione and Ron attempted to start a conversation with me, I just nodded or muttered something. Everyone was realising that this wasn't me. This wasn't the Harry Potter they knew: the boy who was always daring and to tell you the truth, I hadn't broken any rules so far this term. I had spoken out of terms yes, but that was it.

The bell rang, snapping me back to the classroom and my eyes met Snape's. He was looking at me as well and I immediately diverted my eyes to pack up my bag.

'Potter, I need to speak with you', he said loudly above the noise of scraping chairs and shuffling of feet.

And I took up my bag then began to walk to the front of the class, hearing Ron asking distinctly why I was always being called on these days by Snape.

'It's nothing new, Ron', Hermione said from behind me. 'He always gets Snape on his nerves.'

'See you in the Hall, Harry', Ron said and I looked back and nodded.

I went up to stand before Snape who was sitting with his hands rested on the table's surface. He looked up at me and then to the back of the classroom, probably waiting until my colleagues had all gone out of the room.

'How are you, Harry?' he asked softly and he motioned for me to sit on a chair that was near his desk. 'You look terrible.'

When I only sat down silently and didn't answer, he continued. 'I'm sorry for asking that. It's obvious that you're going through hell. How's your Occlumency lessons been going with Professor Dumbledore?'

'It's been alright', I said looking at him. 'I've gotten better now, especially after he started to see the memories I have of you.'

Snape smiled at this and sighed. 'How did he react when he saw those memories?'

'Well', and I rested my hand on the table then sighed, 'he wasn't pleased. Said how that was not right. How I'd have to realise that it could never happen.'

He looked at me smiling wryly and then ran his fingers through his dark hair with his right hand. 'He's right. Maybe you'll meet another guy over the summer or a girl who will capture your heart and bewitch you beyond means. You'll forget about me, Harry. I'm just a silly crush.'

'No you're not', I said sadly, my eyes burning. 'You're not just a crush, you're more than that. There's no other guy or girl who could take your place, Snape.'

Snape gazed back at me and his eyes became moist. I watched as he tried to smile but it seemed as if it pained him to do such a thing because he bit his lips instead. I really wanted to know what he was thinking but I just couldn't. I wanted to know if he loved me, if he had enjoyed when I kissed him and if he thought of me as really kind and sincere.

'That means a lot to me, Harry', he said softly and for the first time I noticed that he had his right hand resting on his left arm. He was sadly looking down on it as if regretting something. And it was then that I realised what was on his left hand. 'You don't know how much that means to me. I promise you though that there will come a time when someone will steal your heart away without you even knowing it. And then you'll fall in love and marry. And before you know it, years will be gone by and then one day you'll think to yourself, what happened to Severus Snape?'

'I'll come looking for you', I said feeling a tear escape and it chilled my cheek as it trailed its way down to my chin. 'I promise I will. I'll always remember that you were the first person that I really fell deeply in love with.'

'Stop you are most likely going to make me cry, Harry', he said and sniffed then smiled stiffly but he was avoiding me eyes. 'I want you to come looking for me. I really would love that. No matter what happens, no matter what people say of me or what terrible things I might be accused of doing, I want you to remember that a Death Eater once said he cared most dearly for you.' And he laughed as a tear slipped down his pale cheek.

I reached out and used my thumb to wipe it away. 'Don't cry. Severus Snape isn't capable of crying.' And I smiled.

'You'd be amazed at what I am capable of. I do have my moments. I am human after all.'

I watched as he silently massaged his left arm and as if reading my mind, he sighed then said, 'my biggest mistake.'

'Does it hurt?' I asked and he nodded.

'It does these days, Harry. He's getting stronger.'

'I'm always ready for him: to finish him off for good. I'll do it one day.'

Something passed over Snape's face as he looked back at me but then it was gone as the wind is as soon as it sweeps across a bed of flowers. 'I know you can.'

And after awhile in silence, he asked what I had planned for the summer.

'Sirius asked me to stay at Grimmauld's Place for the summer', I said and saw his eyes darken at the mention of my Godfather's name. 'I said yes.'

'So I'll see you over the summer then', he said. 'And you will relate to me if you have met someone else. I'd be most welcome to hearing if you did.'

'Trust me, there wouldn't be anyone.'

'Don't say that', he said quickly. 'You are Harry Potter, the 'Chosen One'. If you can't find someone then God forsake the rest of us. There's Ginny Weasley, Tonks, Cho and even Ms. Granger.'

'You're trying too hard but it's not going to happen. I don't feel anything for them. It's just you I –'

'I believe we must be late for dinner already', Snape said quickly cutting me off. 'Run along now. We'll see each other soon. Do enjoy your train ride to London.'

'Right', I said getting up and taking my bag up with me. 'See you Snape.'

'Take care, Harry. And please, when I do grace Grimmauld's Place with my presence, make sure you're not sulking. I want to see you in a most cheerful mood.'

'I'll try', I said and I walked out of the classroom.

At the door I turned back and waved at him. And then I walked away.

oOoOoOoOoOoOo

(Snape)

If I did relate to you that my feelings passed for Harry within a few months time, I'd be lying for nothing of that sort occurred. You see, as soon as I stepped into Grimmauld's Place that summer (about three weeks into the holidays), my eyes sought him out immediately. And added to the fact that the sky suddenly burst with rain at that very moment, I declared myself cursed entirely. My head swivelled back to take in the sudden downpour and I sighed because the outcome was evident. I'd have to stay a little longer than I anticipated. With that on my mind like fresh dew on the grass in the morning, I walked along the hallway and followed the sound of their hushed voices quite audible from behind the large brown oak door.

'Hey', a voice floated down at me from somewhere above and I gazed up and into those green eyes that once captivated my soul with tremendous force. 'Night, Snape.'

'Mr. Potter', I said with a small smile playing on my lips, 'what a pleasant surprise. Why might I ask are you up at such a late hour?'

He smiled mischievously at me then ran his fingers through his hair. 'I heard that you were coming here tonight so –'

'...naturally you waited up to catch a glimpse of me', I continued, 'how delightful. I feel almost celebrity-like.'

'Well you are a spy so I think that would make you some sort of celebrity.' And he smiled even broader.

'Go to bed, Harry', I said smiling and my hand reached out for the doorknob to turn it.

'Snape', he said in that voice of his that easily rattled my heart around my chest. 'I missed your voice.'

I could hear that he had obviously rushed those words out from within. And as he gazed down at me, I felt the strong line pulling me in, tugging at my pitiful heart. But I casually lowered my eyes and kept that smile on my face. However, I was feeling anything but happy at that moment for he had once again succeeded in tranquilising me with his most dramatic sentences.

'Brilliant', was all I said and quickly rushed on, 'now I must be getting inside. We have serious matters to discuss concerning you. Spare us worry and run along to bed.'

I saw his face fall and my heart did as well for I didn't want to disappoint him of all people. But that was what I had to do and it had to be done for both of us. Turning the handle, I pushed open the door.

'Good night, Potter', I said, my eyes on his.

'Night.' And he turned around without saying anything else then went back upstairs.

oOoOoOoOoOo

I was accustomed to him brushing me off like that. It wasn't anything new to me, truthfully. But he would do it at the most touchy moments like just now when I said I missed his voice. If he knew how much effort it took...courage...to say that to him. There it was, stuck in my throat because I had been rehearsing what I'd say to him if...when I met him. And when I did say it, hoping for him to say he missed me too, I got nothing. Of course, that was predictable I guess.

_**This is not going to help you get over him, Harry.**_

I couldn't do it. Imagine Harry Potter, the one who seemed brave even to Voldemort couldn't even control his bloody feelings. Harry Potter was somehow becoming a soft tomato that felt the squeeze everything he saw Snape. It was never like this before! How could one person have such an effect on me? And how could I stop it? This was obviously not going anywhere because Snape probably became so freaked out when I started acting all gay on him.

_**Go back upstairs, climb into bed and close your eyes.**_

I'd dream about him! Every single night I did and if it wasn't him expressing his love for me, it was me making myself a complete fool like always by blurting out stupid compliments about him. I had to follow my conscience and go to bed.

But you know what the famous Harry Potter did? Oh yeah, he climbed the stairs all the way to the top, went down back, listened in by the door. Then he went back up again. Lucky for me, on my third trip up, I braved it to check out what was behind the door at the top of the landing. Taking out my wand, I turned the doorknob and stepped forward, ready to curse any damn thing in my path. But it was just a small staircase leading further up. I climbed it and voila! I had somehow gotten unto this platform on the roof.

The rain lashed out at me from all directions, forcing me to lift my hands to shield my face. But it was fantastic to me! I stood there getting completely drenched and then like a lunatic, I removed my hands from my face then waved them around. I couldn't remember the last time that I was caught in a downpour. It felt absolutely thrilling to just stand out there and allow the tiny forceful whips of rain to drench me.

When I had gotten back to my room and changed off, I heard the sound of voices coming from downstairs and figured that the meeting must be over. Finally. Checking my watch, I saw that it was almost midnight. From the landing above, I could make out Tonks because of her strawberry coloured hair and Lupin with his arms around Sirius. I could see Snape as well but he was engrossed in a hushed conversation with McGonagall. It was when he raised his head and his eyes met mine that I stepped back into the shadows to hide myself.

He might think that something was wrong with me. Snape might think that I have this weirdly obsessive disorder that involves me being overly interested in him.

Stepping into my room on the second floor, I closed the door then went to lie on my bed. Almost too quickly, I was asleep.

_I was in some sort of room, the walls covered with mirrors and all I could see was me...torn, bloody and wasted. A small door was opened on my right and the white laced curtain that hung there billowed as the wind blew in with force. The moonlight was casting a soft mellow glow unto the floor but I was still somehow afraid of something that was out there...something coming to get me._

_My heart thudded like drumbeats in my chest and I felt feverish...my throat almost too dry. Licking my lips, I circled on the spot after the whispers began from all around me._

_'But he's the Chosen One.'_

_'He's just a Loser at love.'_

_'He's so Gay.'_

_'What about Snape?'_

_'But he's a Death Eater.'_

_'Fraternising with the enemy, you are.'_

_'Snape? Are you sure? But he's dead.'_

_'Snape's dead?'_

_'Yes. Voldemort finished him. Harry must know. He was there.'_

_I lifted my hands to cover my ears to block out their voices but it seemed as if they were inside my head. My head pounded terribly and I crumpled to the floor because I couldn't take it anymore._

_'Snape's dead and it's his entire fault.'_

_'NO!' I shouted, my voice mixing with the howling of the wind. 'HE'S NOT DEAD! SNAPE'S NOT DEAD!'_

_'He's dead', I kept hearing. _

_'SNAPE!'_

_'Snape's dead, Harry Potter.'_

_'NO! SNAPE!'_

_Hands reached out at me when I closed my eyes and I tried to bat them away. I was struggling. Hands were grabbing me. 'NO!'_

'Harry. Harry, wake up. Wake up, Harry.'

The voice was so near my ear that I jumped up with fright, my eyes snapping open. That voice was so familiar.

'Harry it was just a nightmare. You're awake now. Whatever it was, it's over now.' And I felt his arm around me. 'Come on, sit up and drink this.'

My eyes took a little while to adjust to the dark but when it did, I saw Snape sitting beside me on my bed. He was still here. I took the glass of water that he held out and drank generously, my throat parched, my body soaked from sweat.

'I...you', and a sob escaped from within me. I felt somehow like a fool in front of him.

'It's alright', he assured me and as if sensing that his arm around me was a bit too intimate, he slid it out from behind me. I felt devastated when he did that. 'Was it about the Dark Lord?'

Could I tell him what I had just dreamt?

'No. I was in this room covered with mirrors and there were voices...voices whispering things. They were telling me that you were...' and my voice caught in my throat. I wanted it to stay there.

'I was what?' Snape asked, his face lined with worry. And when I didn't answer, he rested his hand on mine. 'I was what Harry?'

'They were telling me that you were dead...and I had been there...that Voldemort had killed you.' And I hunched over, my chest aching terribly. It pained to breath and it felt as if I had just run a marathon.

'Why do you have these most terrible dreams about me?' he asked almost to himself and not me. 'The very first I saw what when I was in the graveyard and the Dark Lord was punishing me and now this?'

I watched as he gazed into the dark, obviously thinking about it all. And then he turned to me and forced a smile. 'Don't you ever dream good things about me?'

I knew he was trying to ease my fears by asking that...he was trying to create some humour so that I'd feel better. But it didn't really work because I kept thinking about him and I being together...

'Sometimes I do.'

'Well then, try to remember one of those good dreams, probably me playing Quidditch with you...and let that nightmare slip away.' He made an attempt to get up and off the bed but I reached out and held unto his hand.

'Snape I –'

'Harry...' and he softly slipped his hand from my grasp, 'I'll see you in the morning if you wake up early enough. I'm staying here tonight. Storm has found it humorous to lock me in here tonight.'

'Fine', I said almost too quickly and I knew there was pain in my voice. My chest just felt extremely painful and with every breath I took, I felt as if I had a knife in my chest and it was hard for me to take full breaths.

Turning the other way with my back towards him, curled up and stared into the dark. I knew he was there looking at me. I could feel his eyes on me. But I wasn't going to turn around because it seemed as if every time I had an encounter with him, I made myself a complete fool. Like just now, did I have to reach out to hold his hand? Dammit! I was going to tell him that I was worried about him...

'I'm sorry, Harry', he said quietly. 'I didn't mean to hurt –'

'It's fine, really.'

'Maybe I should go. I think that's best.'

'Yeah you should.' And I closed my eyes as I felt the hot tears welling up. A clap of thunder sounded from above and then there was that streak of lightening right outside my window. What a suitable weather.

A few minutes went by and I still didn't hear my door open so I knew he was right there all the time. But I dared not turn back to look at him or else I might make myself a damn fool again. And then the sound that I dreaded creaked through the darkness. I heard him turn the knob and then the door opened. His shoes tapped lightly on the floor as he went out and when the door shut back with a click, I buried my head in my pillow and cried.

It seemed as if a night never went by without me doing so. I was becoming a sissy and I feared it. Boys didn't cry. And in the dark I could only imagine Kreacher smirking as my sobs met his dirty ears.

oOoOoOoOoOo

I was climbing the stairs when I suddenly saw the shadowed form lurking outside Harry's door. It had to be Snape and my anger climbed when I began to wonder what he had been doing to my Godson. But when I edged nearer to my bedroom door, I heard the most unbelievable thing...a sob came from that cold, hard and yet disgusting man.

I watched alarmingly as Severus Snape lifted his hands to his face and sobbed behind them. The man was capable of crying? And what was he crying for? Did Harry just tell him off? Or did he try to do something to my Godson and Harry lashed out at him? The bloody madman!

As soon as I began to step forward to go and confront him, hands held me from behind. 'Leave him be, Padfoot.'

It was Remus.

Snape wiped his eyes then proceeded along the hallway and into his room. 'Why is he crying? He doesn't cry.'

'Love does that to people.'

'Love? You're saying he loves Harry too?' I turned to face Remus, my eyes wide.

'It's my only guess.'

'Tell me more', I urged as he led me back to our room.

'Well I believe dear Severus has feelings for our Harry as well but he's not letting his barriers down. He's playing his role as a teacher and denying his feelings...however, Harry is not. My only guess is that Harry is trying to persuade him to love him more but Severus is refusing to give in. It will only hurt him more.'

'It will hurt Harry most', I said. 'Why couldn't he fall for some other bloke? Severus Snape?'

'Love has no direct target', Remus said softly. 'Love has no boundaries, and it speaks from the heart...never explains.'

'Celine Dion', I said smiling.

'The one and only...come here.' And I allowed myself to be led unto the bed, thunder clapped above us. I only wished Harry could enjoy the night as much as I did.

_**Writer's Comment: I was wondering if I should end this chapter here. LOL I don't want a lengthy story. However, it's been awhile since any of you have read more of this. And I see it fit to post this up. PLEASE REVIEW I love hearing from you all.**_


	8. Chapter 8

WARNING!

SERIOUS SLASH CONTENT

*Hello readers! A pleasure it is to see you once again at this chapter. And I must say that things have gotten a bit rough in this chapter with emotions raging and a certain someone being taken advantage of.

(Snape)

The following morning as I was munching on my toast buttered with cheese and sipping my coffee (preferably black: no sugar), he came in yawning widely. I surveyed his attire with a wary eye and then I diverted my eyes to scan the front page of the Daily Prophet.

'Morning', I heard him say to the room at large and I peered around the newspaper to observe Sirius watching me with narrowed eyes.

'Good morning, Harry', Lupin said from beside Sirius. 'How did you sleep last night?'

'I didn't', Harry announced and Molly rushed over to comfort him, her hands caressing his cheeks as she declared how frail he appeared and asked if he had bad dreams. 'I just couldn't sleep', he said and I noticed that he was trying to avoid my eyes.

'I wonder why', Sirius said with his eyes on me as he chewed his toast slowly. It was until Remus pinched his arm and whispered something in his ear, then he diverted his most hateful gaze away from me.

And so I continued to read the newspaper, my eyes stinging after I had a most wonderful night crying into my pillow over the being sitting opposite me. His eyes were a bit puffy as well. In fact, I noticed that his voice was a bit cracked also just as mine. He had been crying as well. This couldn't go on like this, I thought as my eyes remained on him. I was hurting him so much and he was hurting me more than ever. How could we feel this way and we were both in love with each other?

The answer was simple. I was the abominable freak who chose to hide my feelings from him, tormenting myself and him just because I happened to be his teacher.

'We're going out today, Harry', Remus said as he blew into his cup of cocoa, 'to a party a couple streets away. It's a close friend of ours and we'd really like you to come along. You look like you could do with a bit of fresh air.'

I wanted him to say yes as much as I wanted Sirius to stop staring at me. The goddamn idiot! What was his problem?

'Sure', Harry said and I noticed that he wasn't very talkative this morning. It was all once again, my fault.

And then just when I didn't expect it, his leg brushed against mine. Honestly, it wasn't much to begin with for both of us had on long pants and thick socks to keep our feet warm. However, I took the action to mean something more than it was. In other words, I believed that Harry had somehow done that purposely. So I glanced up at him quickly and our eyes met for the first time that morning. Oh how he always could mesmerise me with his green eyes. Those pools of green filled with sheer innocence and warmth!

'Next Order meeting is next Friday', Sirius announced to us. 'I suppose we can stretch the time along further. I first that.'

'And I don't second such a thing', Remus said, 'Snape will have fresh news for us come next week. We must know everything as soon as possible. Time is of the essence, love.'

And we ate on in silence until I checked my watch, saw that it was ten o'clock and announced that I was leaving. I remembered that I had to go back upstairs to retrieve my coat and bag and so I got up to exit the room. Harry's eyes followed me as I went. Climbing the stairs, I stopped for a while on the second landing to take in a few deep breaths before I proceeded up. Oh how my chest was aching from seeing Harry so distraught before my eyes. Last night had been so tiresome and frustrating for me and I believed I didn't sleep more than two hours the most.

So there I was next to the bed packing my books away in my bag and as I reached for my coat, I heard the door snap shut behind me. With my hand on my wand expecting it to be Sirius coming to confront me with something, I spun around. To my dismay, it was Harry.

'Mr. Potter', I said with my eyes on him and I watched as he pressed his back to the door. 'Whatever is the matter?'

'I just came to bid you goodbye, Snape', he said calmly and from where I was standing, I couldn't read his expression clearly. 'How was your night?'

'Oh it was alright', I lied. And I snapped my bag shut then turned around to walk towards the door.

With him standing there, I was confronted with a situation exactly as I had placed him in not so many days ago where I had stood blocking his way as he attempted to leave the classroom.

'Then why are your eyes red?' he asked still standing by the door. 'And why is your voice cracked?'

Without answering him, I proceeded towards the door and reached for the handle. It was then that he reached for the handle as well as if going to open it and I was surprised. I must admit that I never used to suspect Harry of being so brazen at times but now I was continuously faced with situations where he played out that role just so. He could twist his emotions around and confront me at times when I wasn't even expecting it and it was becoming a little too scary for me. However, what I did admire was that he never attempted to play out this role in front of others. It was just when he and I were alone.

Secretly though, I adored this version of Harry.

We both had our hands on the doorknob when he stepped back a little too further for me to bear. His lean figure pressed against my front and I instantly felt the blood rush towards my head: my heart began to thump wildly in my chest. No this cannot happen, I thought to myself. Immediately I could feel his warmth radiating unto my chest, my body as he did fit perfectly against me.

'Snape', he said softly and he leant back his head so that it rested on my chest. 'Snape.'

I suddenly knew for sure that he could feel my erection pressed against him and it might have had taken him by surprise for he turned around with his eyes on me. Dear God why couldn't we have control of such things? And I knew for sure that had I desired to rest my hand against his pants at the front, I would have felt his response to be matching mine.

'I...must go, Harry', I said quietly and hoarse as he stayed where he was, the scent of his hair, his body invading and captivating my mind. 'We mustn't –' and my sentence hung midway as I felt his hand reach back and brush against my erect penis. I was caught for sure now and I knew that I didn't have the courage to come up with any excuse to get away from it all.

'Please don't go', he begged, as beads of sweat trailed their way down my back.

'But I have to. We can't do this Harry. Let us stop now. Or else...' and I just found it difficult to breathe for with his body pressed against mine, I felt as if my heart was about to explode. How could he do this to me? With just one touch Harry was capable of driving me up the wall: just one simple touch. I have to admit that I never ever felt this way before for anyone in my life. I was so attracted to Harry that it was it was so fucking tormenting.

'You want to but your body doesn't want that. I can feel it. You do love me don't you? Say you love me too.' And he pushed back further into me just to get my erection firmly between his buttocks.

I must honestly say that his move knocked the wind out of me. And as I stood there so intimately close to his body, I couldn't help but rest my shaky hands on his shoulders to gain my balance. In fact, to feel that part of my body against him in such a way made my head spin terribly. And just when I believed him to have pushed it far enough, Harry roughly lifted my right hand from his shoulder and directed it towards his pants. I don't believe I have to declare what I felt there for it just made the situation at hand worst than before.

'No, Harry. No', I tried to demand of him as my hand rested on his erection that felt so stiff in his trousers; I couldn't stop myself from imagining how large he was.

'Feel me. I want you that _bad_. Please take me', Harry moaned. 'Take me Snape. _Please_. It's all I want. I want you to take me now.'

And I was forced to shut my eyes as the tremendous force of ecstasy ripped through me when he managed to close my fingers around his erection. Only the cloth that made his pants separated my fingers from his penis and I know I shouldn't have been thinking like this but dear God, Harry's penis was extremely thick. My head was spinning. I had to admit that I couldn't think straight. And worst of all, I was aching to feel his bare skin between my fingers instead of having that darn bit of cloth causing an obstruction.

I allowed myself like a fool to let him manoeuvre my other hand towards his front and this time, I felt more than cloth. He had somehow managed to slip my hand into the front of his pants and what I felt was his bare skin after all. And yes, Harry was amazingly and desirably long, thick and hard as a rock. My fingers brushed against his penis that now lay stiff against his front and all I could think of at that moment was that I wanted to fuck him. Dear God I wanted to wrap my hand around his length and pump him until his eyes watered from pleasure that he probably had never felt before.

I wanted to grind against that erection and have us both orgasm, screaming each other's names in the darkness of this room.

'Let's stop this now, Harry', I begged, I desperately whispered into his ear. 'It is not going to aid us in any way if you proceed to...use my hand as an instrument to torment yourself.' And I gathered all the energy I could find then I slid my hand out of his pants. I breathed in deeply, trying to gather composure.

'But –'

'Harry Potter listen to me. You have to cease doing this, do you understand me?' and I held unto his shoulders, shaking him lightly to signal to him that I needed him to listen. 'What you just did was not supposed to occur at all and you know that much is true. I want you to continuously remember what I related to you before when we spoke about your feelings for me. You promised, Harry. You _promised_ me that you would try to stop this from happening.'

He looked into my eyes then heaved out a sigh. I watched him close his eyes as he tried to gain self control once again and I was a bit relieved that he was responding this way.

So I continued although it ached me (and you must know this by now) to relate these falsified lies to him. 'You promised that you would try to get rid of such feelings.'

'I can't do it, Snape. I just _can't_. I've been trying', he said and wiped his eyes then I saw him gather himself together.

'You are not trying hard enough. You need to', and I fought for words, 'find some other sort of distraction or else you will never...get over your feelings for me.'

'I told you before, Snape', he said then bit his lips, 'I don't want to get over you.'

'But you have to, Harry. You simply cannot proceed with such feelings.'

'If you promise me something now, I promise you that I will try to control my feelings for you.'

'What do you want me to promise you?' I asked as I looked into his eyes.

And after a few seconds he took my hand then entwined his fingers with mine. 'You'll say no.'

'But you must tell me first what is it you want', I said allowing him to hold onto my hand.

'When I leave school, when I leave Hogwarts and I'm not your student anymore, will you give me a chance?'

'Is that what you ask of me?' I said.

'Yes, I want you to promise that when I come looking for you, you will give me a chance to prove to you how much I love you.'

'But by then you might love another...you will be rid of your feelings for me, Harry', I said smiling. 'How can I promise you such a thing? Think of me for a moment. Am I to wait on you for so long and believe that you will love me until then?'

Harry sighed then squeezed my hand. 'I think I'd know for myself how deep my feelings run for you. I have never felt this deep for anyone before Snape. Never. You have my whole heart taken up and I can't love anyone else as much as I love you. Snape I don't know why but I can't look at anyone else and forget that I love you. It's you that I want. I don't ever think that I'll get over this. You have to wait on me.'

'Harry', I said and reached into my pocket then extracted a folded sheet of parchment, 'you have said enough here.' And I unfolded the letter that he had written to me not so long ago. 'You need not reiterate on your feelings for me. I am already certain of your love for me. But Harry', and I reached up to brush my fingers against his cheek, 'you are a wonderful person: someone who deserves better than to be hurting like this. You simply cannot live on in agony like this all because of me.'

'I don't have a choice', he said holding onto my hand, 'I don't have any control over my heart right now. Promise me that you'll wait on me Snape. Please. It's the only way I'll be able to control myself.'

I took his hand up, level with my lips and held my gaze into his eyes. This was what he wanted. This was what I wanted so badly. I wanted him to be mine forever...and I wanted to take him now like he had asked me to...begged me to. But should I make such a promise to him? Could he be trusted on his word? He was a mere teenager who could run away with his feelings like the wind on a most terrible rainy day. A few years from now and he'd be over me. I'd be waiting for him and he wouldn't show. Yet, I honestly believed deep down that he'd come back for me.

'Please Snape', he said as tears ran down his cheeks. 'I will always love you. I want to be able to prove that to you someday. I know you don't love me as much as I love you but I want to be able to prove it to you. I can make you love me.'

'Harry, even though this appears quite ridiculous, I promise you that I'll wait. Whatever will happen, I do not know but I am a man that lives on my word. I hope that you do the same or else I will never forgive you for this.'

He brought my hand to his lips and kissed my fingers softly. 'I promise Snape.'

'You have my word then.'

He smiled broadly then couldn't help himself as he began to laugh.

'Whatever is so funny, Mr. Potter?' I asked as I stared at him, a small smile playing on my lips.

'I'm just...happy', he announced. 'I feel so much better now.'

'Well I am most sincerely glad', I said then remembered I had to take my leave. 'I must go now, Harry. Will you take care?'

'I will', he said smiling.

'By the way, Mr. Potter', I said leaning against the banister, 'you are quite large for a boy of your age. I must admit that I am now convinced that you are not the small boy I believed you to be. ' And I watched him as he frowned then smiled wickedly when he understood me.

'I am?' he asked, 'and I still have more to grow.'

'Oh help me dear God', I declared, 'proving your love for me in years to come might just be a very easy task if you grow anymore.'

And with that I took my leave thinking once again of how large he was and how his skin felt desirably smooth as silk between my fingers when I touched him there that morning.

(Harry)

He made that promise to me. I couldn't believe it as I sat there on my bed gazing out my window. My hands were shaking as I held them out in front of me and geese, I wondered whether it had all been a dream. I wondered if all the encounters I had with Snape were real.

I remembered not so long ago when he was telling me how he'd be there if I wanted to go look for him when I was finished with Hogwarts. He did say he would be there for me. But he had also believed that there would be someone else and I wondered who he thought it might be.

Who could take his place? I closed my eyes and thought, thought and thought about it. And no one came to mind. Ginny had given up on me, promising me that she'd be there as well if I needed to go back. Cho was history and Tonks still wanted me. The thing is, I don't want her.

Of course she was pretty and fun to be with, yet she was older than me. She had all the good qualities a girl I would love should have. But I couldn't think about her like that now.

All I thought about was Severus Snape and his long robe, his crisp black shirts and tightly tailored pants that drove me crazy. Not only had I always underestimated his figure but I had also underdetermined his appeal to me.

After having a fair enough share of touching and caressing him, I had come up with some pretty hot conclusions.

His skin was awesomely soft and smooth. He always wore this totally incredible cologne that always turned me on somehow and even though I'd try to figure out what brand it is, I can't find it. He also has this way when he talks, his mouth hardly moves and yet his accent comes out so crisply seductive! Like today when he whispered into my neck...

I just had to stop to breathe in to catch my breath after I honestly felt him behind me once more. Covering my eyes with my hands, I fell back on my bed and sighed. This was so awesome! My heart felt as if it would truthfully explode at any minute and I was afraid that I'd die with a heart attack when he was near me.

In continuing my conclusions, I also found that everything about him turned me on. Every single thing about that man drove me crazy and I don't know what happened to me today but I just didn't want to see him leave the kitchen so soon. Having feared that I wouldn't see him back for quite awhile I had gone upstairs to tell him goodbye even after I had a terrible night thinking about him.

And it just happened. There I was reaching for the doorknob and he did the same. I didn't understand it all. Up to now I can't understand how I ended up allowing myself to use my hands to guide his hands into my pants to feel me. All I could remember was that I needed him to touch me there. I just needed him to feel how he turned me on and I wanted him to love me back. But where did it get me? He just like always told me to control myself and get over him. He didn't love me.

But it was alright now wasn't it? At least I knew that he was willing to give me a chance when school was over.

**But that's years from now, Harry. Don't tell me you're going to not want to touch him or long for him to touch you in between that space of time!**

Oh shut up, I said covering my ears.

**Every time you see him you'll be tempted and you know it you stupid fool. You need to get over him completely and find someone else.**

'Like who?' I asked the room at large. 'Like fucking who? Hermione or Tonks? No boy is going to want me like that! I don't want people to know that I'm gay!'

'That's typical, Harry', a voice said from behind me near the door and I got up quickly then faced Lupin. 'Tonks just came by. She was asking for you but I told her that you were up in your room sulking. She wanted to come up. I told her you might be sleeping.'

I smiled at him then wiped my sweaty forehead. 'Thanks, Lupin.'

'Now I understand that you don't want people to know about your sexuality and that's accepted. But don't you think that a bit of a distraction would be beneficial to you? Are you alright with loving Snape even though you know you cannot be with him fully?'

I looked at him and frowned. 'There is no one else. I can't think of no one else.'

'Typical again', he said crossing the floor and coming to sit on my bed. 'I went through the very same thing when I fell for Sirius.

'And was there anyone else?'

'No', he said smiling. 'But I did try to get over him after he went into Azkaban for so many years. I tried people. I looked around but years after when he did come out, I realised that I felt the same way for him.'

'I don't know if you believe in any of this, but do you believe in chemistry? I mean, all he has to do is stand near me or I just have to touch him and then I lose control completely.'

Lupin smiled then patted my head. 'That's one of the rarest types of love, Harry. You should be glad that you found that sort of love for yourself. Many people feel that chemistry but on most occasions it's just one sided. In your case, is it one sided?'

I thought about it. I thought about how when I stepped back into Snape how he moaned and held unto me. I remembered how he couldn't help but allow me to use his hands to touch me. Then I remembered his erection pressing against me.

'I don't think so. He responds the same way as I do. But he doesn't want me like that. I don't even know if he's fully gay.'

'Such a mysterious guy isn't he?' Lupin asked and I nodded.

'It's like he is always not telling me something but I don't know what it is. He refuses to tell me about Lucius and what happened between them. And then there's him telling me he can't love me back and yet he can't help himself when I touch him.'

'But does he love you?'

I looked at Lupin and was left without any answers.

'It doesn't matter', I said softly, 'he doesn't want it to happen and it can't happen.'

'But that's all that matters, Harry. Once you establish whether he loves you or not, it's then that you will get a clear idea as to what you're dealing with. If Snape loves you then it changes everything because it will not mean that he doesn't want to be with you because he doesn't love you. It will be that he can't be with you because of you being his student and him being the teacher. There's a big difference there. Don't you see it?'

I thought about it and then nodded.

'It might be that he loves you so much that he doesn't want you to get hurt by placing yourself in a situation where you cannot get him fully. I like the ideas of sneaky romances but I have never agreed with teacher-student romances ever. In your case though, I see how much you love him and I am beginning to understand that in some cases, it just can't be helped. But honestly, Harry, you have to let him go.'

'It isn't easy, Lupin.'

'I know, Harry. I know. Sirius and I have talked about it and it's the best thing you can do right now. Snape is doing a very dangerous job by being our spy and any day something can happen to him. You know that don't you? I don't want you to be hurt. He's a brave man but bad things happen. Suppose Voldemort gets to see into his mind out of chance and he sees him being intimate with you? That will cost him his life. I'm sure he would want to die loving you but you must act out of love and let him go for your own sake.'

'I still don't know if he loves me though', I said and wiped away the tear from my eye that came after I thought about Snape dying.

'Well leave it like that for now. It's safer that way. Why don't you just look about for someone else? Maybe another boy?'

And yet he still didn't understand how deeply I was in love with Snape. However, I was willing to give it a try because of what he had just told me about Snape's life being in jeopardy if I continued to tempt him like that and he continued to tempt me too.

'Alright', I said and flopped back down on my bed. 'I'll try.'

'Great then and now that that's settled, you have the party to look forward to.'

I smiled then closed my eyes. Maybe going to a party would take my mind off of Snape.

**(Snape)**

The ride back to Spinner's End was a bit nauseous for me due to the fact that I was intoxicated with Harry Potter. And I would wager that for the rest of the day, I would only be thinking of one thing: when I would see him again. Oh how he could tempt me so. I dare say that at times I just longed to give in. I believed I mentioned this before didn't I?

And so as I sat there on my favourite chair facing the fire in my childhood house, I was reminded of how I fucked up at love. It had been a long time since I was touched like that, since I touched someone like that. Lucius Malfoy had been my only attempt at having a gay partner like myself. For years I had struggled with my sexuality, wondering why I couldn't be attracted to women sexually and why I didn't long to savour them. Until one day when we shared an ad hoc kiss, that was the beginning of such a stupid romance that only ended in me being extremely hurt by it all.

He now had his family and what did I have? I had nothing. The only thing that I had was feelings for my student whom I had hated for years just because he reminded me of his father. His insolence and arrogance had all been a figment of my most valuable imagination. And I still couldn't understand how I had fallen in love with him in such a short space of time. Was this meant to be? Was this what they called destiny...true love?

'How frivolous', I said to no one in particular for the room was quite empty. 'True love...what a ludicrous idea.'

And then there came the series of knocks on my front door. My blood froze instantly and I could feel cold sweat permeating through my pale skin, rising to the surface only to be held back by my stiff black shirt. I watched my right hand that was grasping a fluke of red wine shake before my very eyes.

The knocks came again and it was then that I rose up, rested my glass on the table then proceeded to the door. I'd know that series of knocks anywhere for that very person often would pay me a most warm and secretive visit here at hours such as this. He'd come wearing his hood over his head to not only shield him from the wind but from recognition by anyone.

'Severus', he said as I swung the door inwards and as soon as our eyes locked on each other's, I was thrown back into those times when those icy blue eyes would become blank as we both rode each other through the night.

'Lucius', I said tasting bitter bile in my mouth, my throat dry. 'What brings you here at such an hour?'

He pulled his cloak tighter around him then peered at me, his eyes watering from the cold rain as the downpour continued. 'May I come in please?'

'I don't see why not', I said dryly and stepped back to allow him to pass into the room.

I watched as he surveyed the room with his eyes, taking off his hood to reveal that long mane of soft silky blonde hair that I used to find pleasure in running my fingers through. His soft skin appeared so pale as the yellow light from my lamp collided with him, casting his shadow on the wall. I just stood there and felt my body tremble as those intimate moments we shared invaded my mind once again. I could smell him, feel his fingers whispering against my skin, his voice calling out my name and then there was the sex. His choice of sex was always rough, painful yet pleasurable and snappy. His motto I figured was 'I Favour Rough Fucking'.

'It has been a long time, Severus', he admitted as he gazed at me and I don't know but there was something else hidden beneath that darn gaze that chilled my blood even further on.

'And exactly why are you here, Lucius?'

'Isn't it obvious?' he asked quietly. 'I came to see you. I needed to see you again. Severus, I –' and I watched him struggle to place the words on his tongue...the words that I dreaded to hear. 'I missed you dearly.'

'Interesting', I said calmly, my eyes fixed on the fire, the flames dancing in my dark eyes. 'I cannot say the same about you. You shouldn't be here, Lucius. Does Narcissa know?'

'She doesn't have to know everything about my goddamn life', he snapped and he stepped towards me tentatively. 'Don't you understand? She was a mistake. I have related this to you many times before.'

'You married her', I said as if that explained it all.

'It was an arranged marriage!' he said angrily. 'We had to marry because of Draco!'

'Don't yell in my house, Lucius. It brings back most harsh memories of you telling me such terrible things that scarred me.' And I turned as he came towards me slowly, my destination set to stand by the fireplace.

'I never meant any of those things', he said softly, 'Severus I never ever meant to hurt you. I l-'

'Don't you dare say it, Lucius', I said harshly. 'Don't you stand there and utter those words if you don't...never meant it. What do you expect to accomplish by arriving here all of a sudden?'

'Come now, Severus, we need to talk', he said coming in my direction. I felt trapped in my own goddamn house.

'We don't need to talk about anything', I said and swallowed. 'We were over a long time ago, Lucius. Affairs are not my style anymore.'

'And what is your style now, Severus?' he asked smiling. 'I know you more than you know yourself. You have been lonely since you chose to leave me –'

'I never chose to leave you!' I bitterly remarked. 'You walked out on me! You made promises to me and then you ditched them all. Don't you stand there and cast all the blame on my part!'

I had my back to him now for I detested looking him in the eyes. Those fucking icy blue eyes were so scorned by me as of now that I wanted to throw things at him, hit him, and curse him. And then Harry's face came into my mind and I felt my energy return. Even before I could turn to face Lucius, I felt him behind me, his hard sensual body pressing into me.

'Don't do this', I said forcefully and tried to move away but he held me steady firmly using his arms like a shield. 'Lucius let me go this instant.'

'No', he said into my ear and I felt his breath whisper upon my neck. 'I am sorry, Severus. I am sorry for everything I did bad to you. Take me back please.'

'I cannot take you back you are taken already. Go back to Narcissa.'

And then using his right hand, he guided his thumb down my neck, his other hand somehow managed as well to slip inside my shirt to caress my bare chest. I couldn't help it for instantly my eyes snapped shut as sheer ecstasy ripped through me.

'Narcissa cannot pleasure me', he whispered as his hand unbuttoned my shirt down the front. 'Only you can.'

'Lucius stop this now', I said hoarsely. 'Let go of me.'

'I can't do that. I need you right now', and he pulled my head back to whisper clearly in my ear. 'Do you know that I haven't had sex in years? The last time was with you and I am dying to –'

'Fuck you, Malfoy', I said grabbing unto his hand then I managed to push him back against the hard brick wall.

He had better tricks up his sleeve because the next thing I knew, I was somehow being pulled unto the couch with him on top of me. 'Fuck me, Severus. Or shall I do that to you instead? I know you want me. I can see it in your eyes. You're dying to have me inside of you and I want that right now.'

'I don't want you', I snarled and shoved him off of me. The result: we fell onto the floor instead, wrestling like two stupid teenage boys.

'Just stop fighting', he said smiling above me and I heard my zipper being undone then his hand was in my pants. 'There's no harm in me giving you a blowjob. But you owe me.'

'Lucius...fuck', I moaned as his hand closed around me and I was erect in seconds. But it wasn't that painful as when Harry had touched me before. 'Don't make me hurt you.'

'Oh us Death Eaters know what pain feels like don't we?' he said as he pumped me between his hands. I lay beneath him, my hands gripping his shoulder.

How could I resist this? I thought to myself as he worked me. I had wanted release for such a long time and with all the tormenting that Harry had put me through, I just needed to let go. I longed to let go.

And just when I felt myself climbing those steps to attaining orgasm, he pulled down his zipper and was instantly entering me without my mind even registering it all. In a flash, I felt his penis enter me forcefully and I swore loudly, my eyes brimming with tears.

'Lucius quick', I moaned with my eyes closed, 'ride me harder. Fuck!' I felt the pain ripping through me as he pumped me hard and rough, without lubricant, without moisture. The friction was terrible and I screamed out in pain as he continued to ride me harder.

With every thrust, his penis jabbed against my prostate, sending a thrilling ripple of pleasure through my spine and into my head. My head began to pound terribly as he continued to thrust in and out faster and I kept on gripping his shoulders. The orgasm was brimming but it just wouldn't come because of the pain. It was always like this: extreme pain first and then we'd orgasm later on. We could ride each other for such a long time, screaming out with pleasure until I'd come but silently, the pulsing orgasm merely feeling like small ripples inside me. It was never something spectacular. The pain was horrible and that was it.

'Oh shit!' he kept on shouting above me and I wondered where he got all that energy from after all that pain came when he pumped into me. And then after awhile, his pre cum provided a bit of lubricant to satisfy me and the pain was easing down.

Could you call this rape?

Was this what I was always afraid of when I remembered him? And was this why every time Harry or anyone mentioned him, it would ache me terribly to hear his name being mentioned with mine? This wasn't love. This was pain and more pain.

And so we both came with him collapsing over me, our breaths coming out forcefully. My back pained me terribly and where he had pumped me raw felt blistered. I felt the hot tears stinging my eyes and wondered why I was always so fucking helpless when it came to love. I could have self control, have control of everything else and with love, I wasn't a master. I was a fool. And I cursed myself for allowing him to do that to me once again, after I had promised that I would never be with him again. This was what happened to you when you were confused. Someone could be hurting you and you wouldn't even be conscious of it because you didn't know better.

Of course I did know better now. I knew that this wasn't love. I knew what love was now. And that was what I felt for Harry. But I had just let him do what he wanted to me and now I felt like shit once again.

When we did manage to get up and he stood there looking down at me, I commanded him to leave and never come back.

'You don't mean that', he said sadly as if I could care less. 'You want me don't you? You still want –'

'I don't want you!' I shouted and picked up my wand then pointed it at him. 'Get out now, Lucius and never come back here.'

'Severus let's –'

'Don't make me hurt you because I will, I swear', I said hoarsely. 'I will hurt you even worse than how you just hurt me. That wasn't love. Get out.'

'GET OUT!' I shouted and he stumbled to the door, then threw it open, glanced back one more time at me and then he was gone.

I slumped down in my favourite chair and rested my head back, my eyes closed. Then I cried because not only had I broken half my promise to Harry but I had been such a fool by allowing Lucius to once again take advantage of me.

**(Harry)**

This so called party was held four streets away from Grimmauld's Place and it was Lupin's idea that we walk the four blocks down. So there I was in my denim jacket with my hoody pulled over my head to try to hide my identity for Sirius had this weird illusion that Voldemort would be looking for me as of then. He had transformed into Padfoot and was padding along beside me, his tongue hanging out his mouth as he went.

'Might I just add that you look darn sexy Padfoot', Lupin commented as we went along. 'Bark if you believe me to be looking twice as handsome.'

No bark ensued so I snorted.

'He believes himself to be the most handsome man in the world', I said and felt Padfoot nudge my leg. 'Oh right, I know I am more handsome than you. Thanks.'

And so we arrived at this four storey house. The party was held at the back and we went through a passageway to get there.

'Ah Gwen', Lupin said as a woman came forward dressed in a pink party dress with her hair done up in some sort of a falling waterfall style. I found it kind of cheesy. 'Happy Birthday!' and he handed her a small pink box. 'I see it matches your dress as well.'

'Thanks Remus and Sirius how nice to see you again!' Sirius who had transformed back into his usual self engulfed her in a hug.

'Happy Birthday, Gwen. This is Harry Potter.'

I waited for the bright eyes, the stare of awe but nothing came. She had to be a muggle. And so I felt at home right away.

'Please to meet you, Harry', she said smiling, 'why come to the back. You're the second set of people to arrive.'

And we went out back into the yard that was decorated with fairy lights, pink crepe paper and balloons. I wasn't the sort of boy to take in things detail by detail so bear with me here. But the place looked like a birthday party I must admit.

As Sirius and Lupin talked with Gwen, I went over to sit on one of the white plastic chairs they had lined up against the fence. There was only one other person there and he was older than me and he had the most ridiculous hairstyle ever. His hair was long, black, and choppy so it gave him this gothic look, especially for the nose ring and earrings that he had on. As soon as I sat down, our eyes met and I was instantly reminded of a vampire. If he was, he had better stay the hell away from me because I was in no mood to talk about blood sucking being a hobby of anyone.

Yet, he slighted a smile and continued playing with one of the rings he had on one of his fingers.

'Harry, this is Johnny', Lupin said as he came over. 'His father and Sirius had cells next to each other in Azkaban. I understand that you have your own apartment now, Johnny?'

'Yes', Johnny said and his voice was low. 'Nice to meet you finally, Harry Potter.'

He held out a hand for me to shake and I did so with a smile. 'Hey, Johnny.'

'And I'll be right back', Lupin said as his eyes rested on Sirius edging towards the cooler filled with beers.

'So you're mingling among the muggles, Harry', Johnny said smiling. 'Are you staying with Sirius for the holidays?'

'Yeah', I said looking at him. 'Are you from around here?'

He tucked his hair behind his ear and shook his head. I was fortunate enough to get a glimpse of an earring sparkling in his ear.

'I'm from New York, North America. Of course I used to live in London when I attended Hogwarts but...then I moved to the States ten years ago when I left.'

And I silently attempted to calculate his age. 'So you must be around twenty seven then?'

'Yep, and you must be around fifteen?'

I nodded. 'Quite young and yet you look mature for your age.'

I only smiled because I wished Snape would think the same thing about me. Snape...I wondered what he was doing at that moment: if he was at Hogwarts in his office. Did he stay there or did he have a house? And did he live alone? Or was he with Voldemort...Lucius.

'Bet since you're the famous Harry Potter, you have loads of girls asking you out. I don't have much luck in that field.'

'You might be surprised', I said avoiding his eyes and staring after Lupin as he kissed Sirius lightly on his lips. Oh how I wished I could be as happy as they were, having someone to love and someone who loved me back.

'So you don't have a girlfriend?' Johnny asked and I suddenly noticed that he was drinking from a cup filled with Coke. 'Unbelievable.'

'No I don't have a girlfriend. What about you?'

My eyes rested on Gwen as she went over to a woman who seemed to be in her twenties and they kissed each other on the lips. So Gwen was a lesbian.

'Oh I'm gay', Johnny said and I quickly looked over at him then in a flash, I looked away. 'What?' he asked smiling. 'Surprised?'

I swallowed then forced a smile. Fuck! 'No, it's nothing.'

'It has to be something, Harry Potter', he said still looking at me then he gazed up at the sky that was growing dark. Suddenly he got up and looked at his cup. 'You can't fool me, Harry. You and I are in the same boat. I can tell.' And he walked off towards the table to refill his cup.

I watched him as he did so and couldn't help but think that he was somehow attractive...for a boy. Not that I wanted him to be attractive or I had a thing for him. Shit. I waited until he had come back with his cup refilled and then I got up to go get something to drink. It gave me time to think and I needed that. I knew that when I got back there, he'd start talking to me again and I'd be forced to talk to him. Could I do that? There was Snape. I only wanted Snape.

**Give it a go, Harry. See how it turns out. You've got nothing to lose.**

And so I went back, sat next to him and we chatted until the place had become crowded with people. He was a decent bloke. Had a nice attitude and he could handle a conversation well. And by the time we both knew it, I was cracking up over a joke he was telling me about his encounter with a vampire in New York who just honestly believed that the two of them were related.

'Followed me around asking me a bunch of questions like what my bloodline was and all this shit', he said smiling. 'And then when I thought it couldn't get worst, the man was like, 'so what kind of blood do you prefer?' and I was left speechless.' I laughed at this, and so did he. 'Darn I need to use the washroom, Harry', he said abruptly. 'Mind following me? I have this weird belief that he has found his way to London and is still in search of me.'

So I followed him in the house and all the while, I kept checking out his dark leather jacket with the silver studs. He also had on black skinny jeans with skull studded sneakers. Wicked outfit.

The washroom was like one of those that you would find in a train station or restaurant where it was just a room filled with cubicles. I waited outside near the sink as he used the loo and then I noticed this poster on the wall that illustrated 'Ten Ways To Tell If You're Gay'. On principle, I went over to read those ten ways out of curiosity.

_**For men, if you believe the bulge in another man's pants to be somewhat interesting, then you just might be gay. **_

_**And if you somehow find the rippling of muscles to be enticing then you might just call Elton John your brother.**_

The bulge in Snape's pants interested me and I immediately found myself imagining how big he was. I had only felt him against me through his pants and that hadn't been enough for me to make an estimate. But he had to be big right? He was a full figured man so he had to have a lot there. I just wanted so bad to see it.

'Harry', Johnny said from behind me and I spun around. 'Finished. I see you're reading that darn poster. Last time I saw it was at this train station somewhere here in London. It was where I met this other gay guy. We dated for twenty minutes and then I never saw him again. I don't have luck at love. You?'

I just gazed at him, my face blank. 'No.'

And then we just stared at each other. It was I who stepped forward, almost too close and I rested my hands on his shoulder. He was a bit taller than me but that didn't create a problem. I just wanted to kiss another guy to know how it felt. Or did I just want to kiss him because I wanted to kiss Snape as well? Resting my lips on his, I felt him reach out to hold onto my neck and then his tongue was parting my lips. We kissed slowly for awhile, his tongue seeking out mine and flicking against my teeth. Then he broke the kiss and his lips were on my neck then he was nibbling my ear.

'Wonderful, Harry', he said softly. 'You're a great kisser.'

'So are you', I said because he was. He honestly was.

And so we stayed close for the rest of the evening until Lupin found that Sirius had become too drunk.

'I see you made a friend', Lupin said smiling as he held Sirius around the waist. We had wrapped a shawl around Sirius' head to cover his hair in case anyone was seeking after him. 'How was it?'

'He's alright', I said calmly. 'Nice guy.'

'He's also gay', Lupin announced as we walked along.

'I know', I said. And reaching one hand into my pocket, I fingered the bit of paper with Johnny's number on it.

He'd be returning to the States at the end of August which was six weeks from now. But I still had time. The thing is, not once during the night had I felt anything as close to what I felt when I was even close to Snape. Johnny was a great kisser but something was missing when we kissed. I didn't feel that ecstasy build up inside of me when his tongue flicked against mine. I did feel that when Snape did though.

But I could try, couldn't I? Everyone wanted me to, even Snape.

**Writer's End Notes: **_Alright let's get down to business. I know some of you will be disappointed with bits of this chapter. Now might I just say that in every story there has to be a bad person: well in my stories that is. Lol. And I chose Lucius Malfoy because I wanted you guys to see what Snape went through in his life concerning love. You will now gather that he hadn't much experience with anyone to make a fair estimate of what love is supposed to be like. Take the sex with Lucius for example. Snape hates the rough painful sex but it was all he could have gotten when he managed to be with another man. That man just happened to be one who finds pleasure in pain. Snape isn't the sort of person that desires pain and you would have noticed that much in my chapters. He can be so soft and gentle, loving and kind. However, Snape when in love is very vulnerable._

_Do you notice how he allows Harry at most times to begin seducing him even though he knows it's wrong? This new soft and warm love that Harry is making him feel is unlike anything he has ever felt therefore he wants to feel what it feels like. However, there is that part of him that loves Harry so much that he forces himself to stop Harry's advances._

_Now for the ending with Johnny. Dear Johnny. Lol. I wanted to bring in someone to make you see how much Harry loves Snape: how deep his love really goes for the man. When Harry stated that no one else could take Snape's place, I bet many of you found this to be a bit amateur and cheesy right? But you'll see what sort of love the two of them feel for each other. _

_Their love is a very unique one._

_Thanks! REVIEW AND TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON HARRY BELIEVING THAT SNAPE DOESN'T LOVE HIM. ARE THERE ANY SIGNS THAT YOU NOTICED THAT STOOD OUT ON SNAPE'S BEHALF?_


	9. Chapter 9

*Before I begin just let me say a few things...bear with me. I have made a few mistakes I think in this story and one that was brought to my attention was that of me repeating certain things. I will not say what because I don't want to spoil the story for you all. But I will say this: I don't write this continuously. I just sit down at whim and begin the chapters. I have it planned...how the story should go but I don't have their feelings, words and expressions planned. And I know you'll like Harry's sixth year. So here we go. I now begin with the last days of summer. Enjoy!*

(Harry)

It had been three weeks and yet I hadn't seen Snape again since that day when he made that promise to me. I'd sit on the steps when the Order members came in, hoping to catch a glimpse of him as they went along. But he never came.

And as the days went by, my mind became filled with other things such as Johnny and his daredevil ways. We'd mostly spend time at his apartment a few blocks down from Grimmauld's Place because I couldn't bring him here. After all, this place was secret to most people.

What we did was hang out, watch television, play video games and make out. And when I say make out I mean just kissing and pumping each other. He was such a fun person. Yet I couldn't forget Snape even though Johnny tried his best to please me by being so loving and thoughtful. But somehow, surprisingly at times I'd find that when we were making out, I never thought about Snape. The first few times I spent with Johnny, those memories of Snape would constantly invade my mind and I would be left with these thoughts of me being somehow wrong in doing what I was doing.

But then as time went by and I didn't see Snape for weeks after, I found myself not longing for him as much as I used to. Something inside me was being silently tamed, held in a cage as the days progressed. And I wondered if I was getting over him. I wondered if Johnny could make me get over him that easy before he went back to the States in three weeks.

And out of the love that I felt for him still, out of concern, I left my room one night to go seek Sirius or Lupin to ask them what had happened to him. I didn't get far with that because as I was nearing the living room, I heard them whispering frantically. Mrs. Weasley would usually come by to check on me and cook sometimes but she had already gone home. So it was only the three of us in the house. And out of curiosity, being just a damn curious boy, I edged closer to the locked door to listen in.

Don't hate me for it because you would have done the bloody same if you were curious. And I just wanted to know more about the subject.

So I pressed my ear to the door and listened. After awhile I was sure of it that they were making out because I could hear grunts and muffled curses as the couch squeaked under them. I just hoped that they'd clean that couch when they were finished with it. And so I backed away and into someone who had been standing behind me in silence.

'Wotcher, Harry', Tonks said as I turned around to face her. She was wearing a blue long sleeved sweater with a short denim skirt and long pink tights. 'Listening in are you?'

'No –' I said trying to appear surprised, 'I was just er...'

'It's alright. Everyone's curious about something.'

'What are you doing here?' I asked as she began to finger my shirt collar.

'Oh I came to see _them_', she said smiling, 'but they are occupied right now.' And as if remembering something, I saw something flicker in her eyes and then she diverted her gaze from me towards the kitchen. 'I need water. Follow me?'

'Sure', I said a bit surprised. And I followed her.

She turned on the tap and held a glass under it then gulped it all down...one go. 'How have things been with you, Harry?' she asked refilling the glass.

'Everything's good', I said as I sat on a chair near the table. 'Everything's fine, actually.'

I was hoping that she wouldn't try to jump me like always when she saw me and so I tried to not look at her too much. She just continued to gulp down glasses of water as if she hadn't drunk any in weeks.

'Where have you been?' I asked her as I looked at the glass.

'Oh I had chowmein from this Chinese place and it so happened to be laced with this hot tongue scorching sauce that burns like hell.' And she took some time to drink again. 'The next Order meeting's next week Friday. I hope Snape comes with fresh news because he owes us a lot already.'

'What happened to him?' I asked trying to keep my face straight.

'Oh he's been under the weather. Caught the flu I think or maybe he has stomach aches...' and she trailed off, gazing up at the ceiling as if trying to remember what exactly Snape had. 'Oh no, he told Minerva who told Lupin who told Sirius who told me that he can't make it because he has some sort of pains...I think it's a backache and terrible headaches. He's got to watch himself. Too much pressure on him if you ask me. I mean I'd do his job as a spy but...'

And I allowed her to chatter off as I thought about Snape and what could have happened to him. He had been hurt. How had he been hurt? Had Voldemort somehow punished him for something?

'Ah Tonks!' Sirius said as he came through the door and he headed straight for the sink to wash his hands. I smiled wryly at Lupin who followed him as well.

They looked exhausted; I noted and so I just sat there in silence listening to Tonks relate to them what she had done for the day. After I had eaten a chicken patty that she had brought, I went up to my room and stayed there for most of the afternoon.

And so the days progressed with me being indoors most of the time and the other half of it I spent outdoors with Johnny. Our short romance lasted well until the week when he had to return to the States and I was a bit sad to see him leave because that would mean one thing now. I was now going to be thinking about returning to Hogwarts and I'd be seeing Snape once more.

So there I stood watching him board the train to take him off to the airport just after we had kissed goodbye. And I couldn't help thinking about what a lovely time I had had with him. Although it had been a bit of a fling, I had somehow been able to accomplish one thing. I was no longer obsessed with seeing Severus Snape.

But where was Snape? I thought as Johnny waved to me from behind a window in the train. I hadn't seen him for over a month. He hadn't been to any of the Order meetings and when I'd ask Sirius or Lupin about him, all they'd tell me was that he was not feeling well, he was sick or he was busy. Could he be avoiding me? I don't think that he would. But then again, maybe he had somehow come to his senses and had realised that he didn't want to see me. Maybe he had decided to break his promise and leave me alone. Or maybe, Snape was in danger and no one was telling me.

I hoped that that wasn't the case because I wanted to see him again. I couldn't wait to see him. And I was right because after a few days after Johnny left, I began to think about him again.

(Snape)

And I couldn't stop thinking about him.

A week after I had last seen him, I was summoned by the Dark Lord to Malfoy's Manor where I was greeted with the most horrid news ever. Lucius had somehow gotten hold of Harry's letter from inside my pocket that night he paid me a visit. And he had displayed it to the Dark Lord feeling quite please with his egotistical self.

I remembered standing facing the fireplace as Voldemort read the letter out loud. We had been in the company of Bellatrix, Lucius, Draco, Narcissa, and Nagini. With every word he uttered as he read, I tried as hard as I could to keep my face straight and to suppress my feelings. There was fear within me as I began to wonder what he'd make out of it and I was somehow spared when he finally spoke.

'Such a stupid, stupid boy', Voldemort drawled on as he paced the floor, 'he has fallen in love with one of my servants and I have no doubt as to whether that servant feels the same. We all know you despise the boy, Severus.' And I felt a bit relieved.

'Yes, my Lord.'

'Of course it would be so nice if you could have pretended you loved him back to get him to me easily but based on the circumstances that would jeopardise everything.' And then he walked silently towards me then looked me in my eyes. 'Tell me, Severus, am I lying when I say that you feel the same way about the boy? Do you love him?'

I had to choose my words carefully and I had to keep my barriers up to shield my mind forcefully from him. 'No you are not lying my Lord and I don't have any feelings for the boy whatsoever but sheer hatred. Love is but a ludicrous word to me. I do not love Harry Potter.'

I saw Lucius step forward and I heard him clear his throat. His eyes rested on mine for awhile and I diverted mine from his.

'Yes, Lucius?' Voldemort said.

'My Lord, if he doesn't have any feelings for the boy then why keep the letter in his pocket?'

'Why indeed', Voldemort said looking at me. Those cold eyes attempted to penetrate my mind. 'Why keep the letter, Severus?'

I could feel my skin prickle as he asked me that question; however, I was too brilliant for him to lead me astray. 'He had handed it to me the last day of school and I had merely forgotten it in my coat pocket. I had meant to dispose of it but I was occupied else –'

'He's lying', Lucius said quickly as he stared at me, his eyes shadowed with hate.

Voldemort smiled. 'You sound like a jealous fool, Lucius. Now Severus, if I was to enter your mind, would I find your words most truthful?'

He couldn't enter my mind so easily because I had always been good at shielding things from him. He saw what I desired of him to see and only that. But if he meant that he wanted to see that memory where I collected the letter and kept it in my pocket since that day, he wouldn't see that at all. What he would see was me taking the letter out every now and again to read it over and over. He'd see me weeping over the words as I read them, wishing that I could confess my love for Harry.

'You would, my Lord', I lied and watched as he kept his eyes on me.

'But he's lying! Check him, my Lord!' Lucius demanded angrily.

'Shut up, Lucius', Voldemort snarled and then he faced him. 'I believe you underestimate my trust in Severus. I trust him fully and when he announces that it happened that way, I believe him. There's no need to read his mind for I believe him indeed. I just wish that you'd not keep your unfaithfulness hidden from dear Narcissa. Is your wife aware of your affair with Severus?'

There was a silence that followed that dared to stretch on for the rest of time. I watched as Lucius scrambled for words, his eyes darting to his wife and to Voldemort frantically. Narcissa appeared speechless for her eyes were wide and her mouth was opened in surprise. Draco was glaring at me with steely blue eyes and I wondered if he had somehow gotten around to hating me.

'It was long ago. It was just for a short time. Narcissa', he said with pleading eyes, 'it was nothing. We're over. It's just you –'

'Such lies...', Voldemort said smiling. 'And tell her what you were doing at Severus' house at seven o'clock in the night. Tell her how you managed to retrieve the letter from his pocket.'

I saw Lucius collapse inside and I smiled because now he'd get what he deserved. Voldemort had seen into his mind. Malfoy had never been a good Legilimens and it served him right. I wondered what lie he made up to relate to Voldemort how he had managed to get the letter from my pocket.

'It was him! He forced himself on me! I –'

Narcissa went over and slapped him across the face then she stood so far apart from him, it appeared as if he had some horrible disease.

I felt Draco's eyes on me and instantly remembered how he had been witness to me favoritising Harry in class. Wondering if he'd speak up, I felt Voldemort's eyes on me once more and looked at him.

'Now Draco here will be keeping an eye on Harry Potter for me as of when Hogwarts reopens. I want you Severus to make sure that you don't fall prey to Potter's love. If you do, then I'm afraid I will have to lose a most faithful and valuable servant.'

When I had apparated into my living room at Spinner's End after that, I had to make a most dreadful decision. I'd have to distant myself from Harry as of that day and I would have to return to treating him like I used to in class. I was in fear of what Draco would tell the Dark Lord if I showed favouritism to Harry once more. But then would the Dark Lord believe Draco's word against mine? You could never underestimate what he might do.

But I still had to play it safe.

So I did the one thing I thought of that would make my job a bit easier. I stayed away from the Order meetings, sending any news that I managed to gather via Minerva who was most kind to me. The very sight of Harry would drive me crazy and that was the last thing I needed at the present moment. And besides, I believed it to be beneficial to both him and me if I stayed away from him. He would be able to get along without seeing me and after awhile, I knew that he'd be rid of his feelings for me.

The only thing was: was I ready for him to stop loving me? Could we stop loving each other that easily?

My questions were answered a few weeks after when Lupin paid me a visit. We spoke about my absence from the meetings and I was somehow honest with him, relating to him how I was aware of Harry's feelings for me and I had to keep myself at bay. He agreed.

'He misses you so much though, Severus', he said rubbing his hands together. 'Just today we were talking about you. He was asking if you were injured or seriously hurt. I told him that you were a bit busy at the moment and you couldn't come to the meetings.'

It was then that I told him about my encounter with Voldemort and Lucius showing him the letter.

'I always knew the man was dangerous, Severus. I never understood how you could have been with such a beast. I agree once again that you must keep a watchful eye on Draco for he will be doing the same as well on you. However, do not resort to insulting and tormenting Harry's life at school once more. Merely ignore him. Speak to him less and try to avoid any confrontations with him.'

'That ought to be easy since I have no feelings for him other than for him to be protected', I said and watched as Remus stared at me in disbelief.

'You are going to sit there and tell me that you don't love Harry, Severus? Don't lie for I already know that you feel the same way for him as he does for you. I don't quite understand how you can switch from loathing after him to seeking him out romantically. It just doesn't add up.'

'It just happened', was all I declared.

'Such is love. It strikes us at the most unusual of times. But I must say Harry has been trying to get over you. He had been dating this most wonderful man by the name of Johnny Willis.'

The news shocked me terribly and I figured that Remus caught the flicker in my eyes. Harry had managed to find someone already? I had wanted that for him. I wanted that bad but to hear of it occurring I wasn't prepared for that. The promise we made, the words he spoke to me about me being the only one for him. I instantly wanted Lupin to announce that Harry wasn't enjoying being with this young man. But what sort of thought was that? Had I not wanted him to find someone else so that he could get rid of his feelings for me?

Deep down inside though, I knew I didn't desire that. I wanted Harry to be mine. I wanted him to reserve his heart for me and me alone. And yet I wanted him to get over me. How absurd!

'That's...brilliant', I said avoiding Lupin's eyes.

'However, the boy lives in the States and has gone back leaving Harry to think of no one else but you. Sadly.'

A weight was lifted off my chest.

'But let's hope that he finds another.'

And when Lupin had departed, I settled back in my favourite chair and sulked for the remainder of the day.

(Harry)

The minute I set foot in the Great Hall, my eyes sought out Snape at the Staff table and even before we could share a well deserved gaze, Hermione called out my name. I rested my eyes on her then took in Ron who was beaming at me.

'Harry!' Hermione shrieked when I sat next to her and she threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly. 'I missed you so much! How was the stay at Padfoot's? What did you do? Oh you must tell me!'

'Let him breathe, Hermione', Ron said and I smiled at him.

'Ron.'

'Welcome back, Harry', he said. 'I missed you too.'

And so we settled in to eat, all the while talking about what we did. I made sure that I left out being overly friendly with Johnny but I did mention that I met him. I told them about Tonks and the one time I went out to the roof and got fully soaked.

'Crazy you are, Harry', Hermione declared as she chewed on a bit of chicken.

'I think that's wicked', Ron said with his eye wide. 'I always wanted to do that. Just stand there and let the rain beat on you.'

While Dumbledore was giving his welcome back speech, while he announced that Slughorn had joined us and Snape was taking up his post as our Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, I finally fixed my eyes on Snape. For a moment he wasn't looking at me and then he diverted his eyes from Dumbledore to glance at me as if he sensed that I was looking at him. And almost in a flash, he looked elsewhere without any show of emotion. I was becoming convinced that I was right about him deciding that he had had enough and was avoiding me. Time would only tell.

'Weird isn't it?' Ron said and my attention snapped back to the table, 'why have all the guards stationed outside of Hogwarts now? Why couldn't they have done that before?'

'Because', Hermione said turning to face us, her face shadowed, 'he's becoming more powerful and somehow the Ministry believes that we are even more at risk now: they fear the worst.'

'Cheerful beginning to another year', Ron said glumly.

'Cheerful indeed', I said and I diverted my eyes from Snape, giving up for the evening on getting his attention.

And so the sixth year's first Defence Against the Dark Arts class came on a rainy Thursday morning. We all piled into the classroom that Umbridge had recently tortured us in. Sitting next to Ron and Hermione, I noticed that Malfoy was staring hard at me. I reached down for my bag to take out my books. Frigging twit. Why didn't he take out a damn mirror and gaze at his horrid face instead?

It was then that Snape walked in, his strides long and graceful as he approached the front of the class. He looked paler than before, his complexion pasty, hair dishevelled and eyes a bit unfocused. Maybe he was sick. And from Ron's snort, I gathered that he agreed that Snape looked horrible as well. What I didn't know was that he had a burden on his mind: two actually. One was the request Dumbledore had given for Snape to agree to be the one to kill him when the time came. And the other was that of me. Nothing else had to be said about that. It was me and me alone.

'Now today we are going to be learning defensive spells. With the simple flick of a wand and with precise concentration, one can disarm another wizard leaving that wizard incapable of defending himself. Of course he can resort to the use of mind incantations but such is not the issue to be dealt with today. Take out your wands.'

There was the rustling of robes as everyone took their wands out.

'Stand', Snape instructed and we all did. With one wave of his wand, the tables lifted off the ground and were accompanied by the benches as they floated into neat piles around the edges of the classroom. 'Now choose a partner.'

I watched from Hermione to Ron helplessly and chose Ron as Hermione decided to take Dean as her partner. Of course I was a bit relieved to know that most of the people standing in the room had been in the Duelling Club with me last year. And naturally, they all knew how to disarm. That was one thing that the Slytherins weren't prepared for.

'Take turns, point your wand directly at your partner and say this: Expelliarmus.'

Ron took his turn first, knocking my wand out of my hand cleanly and I smiled as he prepared himself for me to disarm him. I managed to do the same several times and after awhile, we both got bored.

'Look at Malfoy', Ron said smiling, an outburst of laughter brimming beneath the surface. 'His face looks as if he's constipated.'

'And look at Crabbe', I said snorting, 'he looks afraid. Afraid Malfoy will send him flying back.'

'Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley.' I spun around to face Snape standing behind me; his dark eyes staring sternly back at me then at Ron. 'I don't recall me saying that you should neglect your practise. Class isn't finished as yet.'

I stood staring at him, hoping that something would move in his eyes as he looked at me. And as fast as the wind would pass across a field, Snape's eyes looked empty as he turned to face Ron instead. What was wrong with him? But was I really expecting him to give me special treatment in class because of what happened between us? That was somehow absurd. Here I was standing feeling like a complete idiot as I looked at him. He had a right to do what he was doing. But I still wished that he'd at least smile at me.

'Potter I find it surprising that you'd take this subject at ease. You of all people should understand the need to defend yourself. Idle chatter is for the narrow minded who find nothing else to do but to ramble on about senseless things.' And before I could retort, he stalked away, leaving me staring in disbelief.

I heard Malfoy snigger and I threw a cold glance at him. 'That's right, Potter', he said sneering, 'doesn't feel nice when you're rejected does it? You believe everyone should love you. I smile to see you shocked after being disappointed.'

And the words hit me like a slap. Was I being paranoid or was Malfoy throwing hints at me that he knew about Snape and I? How could he have found out? Unless Snape had managed to let it slip...

'Next class we will be doing a review of what you have learnt thus far about this subject. Class dismissed.' Snape went to stand behind his desk and watched as the class packed up.

Should I go and talk to him? Should I say hi or something? What would he say to me? Maybe he would spare me a smile.

And so stupidly, I found myself walking towards the front of the class, school bag in my hand. As I approached him, he looked up and then bent over quickly to check something between piles of books on his table. I should have taken that first sign: diversion of eyes, to mean something.

'Is there something I can do for you, Potter?' he asked with his eyes still on the book before him.

I took a deep breath, trying to gather myself. 'I just came to say hi, Snape.'

He took awhile to respond because he was writing something on the page that I couldn't make out. 'Professor Snape, Mr. Potter. What can I do for you?'

'I...', and I felt my heart thudding wildly in my chest as I looked at him: his hair that I longed to touch, eyes that would gaze back at me with feeling, neck that I wanted to kiss and his hands that could send my head spinning when he touched me. 'Nothing, Professor Snape and I'm sorry for bothering you', I said and spun around. I then stalked off towards the door, anger building up inside of me.

'Potter...' but I was already set on getting out the damn classroom and away from him. I was now convinced that something was wrong and because he refused to tell me, I took that as an insult.

It was until I was in the Common Room sitting on the chair that I realised that maybe I had overreacted a bit. He had just reminded me that I should refer to him as Professor since we were in school once more. But what right had he to speak to me so when he had caught Ron and me talking in class? He had made it sound as if I was indeed stupidly narrow minded.

What I failed to realise was that I was overreacting and Snape had just been doing his job. He was just being my teacher.

(Snape)

'And when I kill you, when I perform this most delightful task, Dumbledore, have you any idea of what will become of me afterwards?'

He surveyed me with calm eyes, fingertips pressed together. 'You will have to cease being employed here, of course.' And he smiled.

'Is this a joke to you?' I asked sharply, gathering my robes around me and striding towards his desk. 'Have you no consideration for me at all?'

'I have always kept your best interests at heart, Severus. Don't stand there and ask me such a question. The mere fact that I employed you here should prove that. It has to be done.'

'And what will become of Potter?' I asked trying to make it sound like a simple question lacking substance.

'What will become of him? He will know what to do.' And then he attempted to penetrate my mind.

'Don't do that!' I said with my voice strained. 'Am I to trust your word on that, that Potter will be safe in this school without you or me around?'

Dumbledore got up then came around to stand next to me, his sharp blue eyes fixed on mine. 'I have told you before, Severus, you have to abandon these feelings that you have for Har -'

'Stop that!' I shouted, covering my ears. 'I do not want to hear of it!' and then after gathering myself once more, I looked him in the eyes. 'I will not kill you. I do not have to do as you say. I-'

'And you forget of your promise that you made to me years ago', he said cutting me off, smiling. 'You promised to watch over the boy, to protect him and yet –'

'What has this got to do with protecting Potter?' I asked. 'You have told me this much', and I held out my hands, a few inches apart, 'and yet you expect me to believe that by killing you I am aiding him in some way?'

'If you love the boy, Severus', he said going around the table to sit down again, 'if you really love him, you'd do as I say. There should be no questions. When all this is over, you can let your love for him feel free to wander.'

'So you have this all planned out? Quite brilliant are you: to become so reckless, to place yourself in such a situation', and I eyed his frail right hand, 'and you will abandon us: Harry, leaving us to revel in your little plot. When all this will happen, where will you be?'

'I will be right there', he said pointing to the wall of his office decorated with frames of old Headmasters and other important people. 'Listen to me, Severus, everything will be alright, I prom-'

'Don't make a promise you cannot keep', I snarled. 'You said the very same last time and she died.'

'Let us not go back there', Dumbledore declared, waving his hand in the air. 'You made a promise to look after Harry and you will do as I say.'

'As usual, I am at your service, just like I am at the Dark Lord's service: how grand it feels to be a servant to both of you.'

'You chose that lifestyle years ago. I never made that decision for you. However, you are doing the greater good now so smile, Severus.' And he selected a lemon drop from a bowl on the table then sucked on it, smiling.

'I am sick of this shit', I said quite disgusted. 'Good evening, Headmaster.' And I stalked out of his office, my heart thudding loudly in my chest out of the anger rising up inside of me.

How dare he treat me like that? How dare he stand before me so calm and demand that I must kill him? He could become so foolish at times that I seriously doubted the thought of him being the most powerful wizard in the world. I knew I owed him somewhat, but his requests were always ludicrous. Every time I confronted him with something, he would always throw my faults in my face...as if I wanted to be reminded of it all. Would I kill him? Only time would tell.

'Professor.' I spun around as I stepped off from the bottom step leading up to Dumbledore's office, my eyes searching frantically for the source.

It was Harry.

'What are you doing here at this hour, Potter?' I asked softly, but I knew that the anger inside of me was on display. I could already see myself: my nostrils flaring, my eyes showing an icy glint and my mouth set in a sneer.

'I was on my way to see Professor Dumbledore', he said blandly.

I figure that I should make this clear to you because you might begin to wonder about it after all. Potter appeared angry as well for he was almost too silent, his green eyes seeking elsewhere. This never occurred when I was in his presence for he never ceased to seek the opportunity to lock me in that most seductive gaze of his. It was a gaze laced with want, desire and hunger. And so I am at the conclusion that my deliberate decision on treating him like I had done before was somehow taking its toll on him.

'Go ahead then', I announced, my eyes on him and I stepped aside.

He made an attempt to step around me and the result was terrible. It only brought him closer to me, sending ecstatic bolts of want and desire pulsing through me as his body pressed against mine. Immediately, my body as well as his responded the very same and I found myself deliberately turning to face him, my eyes shockingly becoming moist with tears. Harry instantly wrapped his arms around my waist, daring to pull me closer.

'Harry', I breathed into his face for we were on the same level now. He was now three steps up and his eyes were in line with mine: regrettably.

'I missed you Snape', he whispered and I felt his hands press against my back. 'I really missed you and...' I couldn't control myself for I reached up then ran my fingers through his hair. 'I keep thinking about you all the time.'

'I know you miss me', I whispered, my conscience prickling because I was afraid someone was watching us. 'Stop thinking about me, Harry and stop missing me. You have to.'

'I was never good at controlling my feelings', he said and I smiled. 'You look terrible.'

'Thank you', I said removing my fingers from between his dark dishevelled hair.

'What happened? Why do you look so pale and terrible?'

I gazed into his eyes and lied. 'I wasn't well. I had the most terrible flu ever.'

I was sick from thinking that I'd have to be rid of my feelings for you, I thought silently.

'That's bad.'

'Harry, I must go', I said and as usual, he dared to take my hand. 'What is it?'

'Your promise...'

I watched him collapse before me, his feelings gave way and there was the slightest flicker of regret as those green eyes latched themselves onto mine. His feelings, thoughts were so exposed to me that I was sure he had no idea his barrier was removed. I could hear slight whispers of his want for me, him expressing it in words, his desire to have me ravish him right there and then and yet...yet he was holding back. He was trying as hard as he could to hold back for I could see the hesitation in his eyes.

However, we both couldn't manage and I wondered if he suspected anything: if he ever considered the fact that maybe my desire for him was the very force that drew him to me. I wondered if he figured out by now that it just didn't make sense at all...this love, feeling couldn't be one sided. For us both to feel this intense bond between us, it had to be two hearts beating together, wanting the same thing.

But he was now sixteen and I was thirty six years of age.

He grabbed fistfuls of my hair into his hand, bringing his face closer to mine as he went through this internal battle. I immediately barricaded my feelings for him and I stood there trying to remain sane. But like it always happened, Harry managed to crack those walls that I had up and I found myself slowly collapsing as I felt his hot breath on my face. His lips parted a little as he desired to kiss me but knew that he couldn't do it. We stood there, bodies pressed together, lips inches apart breathing into each other's mouths, daring the other to make the first move, our hearts thudding together and it was then that I pulled away.

I didn't utter a word to him as I strode off, my head dizzy and my hands shaking. Off I walked down the dimly lit corridor with tears trailing down my cheeks as I felt his eyes on me. And for once in quite awhile, Harry didn't call out to me. Although I detested that because it ached my heart to not hear him call out, I had to admit that it was a sign of success.

(Harry)

'Are you seeing someone, Harry?'

I glanced over at Hermione and shook my head. 'What makes you think that?'

'Oh I don't know', she said angrily, 'the dazed look, frequent attempts to ditch Ron and I when we ask you to accompany us to the library.'

'The library was never my favourite place, Hermione', I said and she only glared at me. 'I mean, I rather do my reading in the Common Room...some place else.'

'Oh right, Harry', she said snapping her Potions book open again and she began to read. 'I know that look. I'd know it anywhere.'

'What look?' I asked innocently although I knew I was guilty for I would find myself daydreaming about days after I finished school when I could be with Snape finally.

She closed her book frustratingly and then turned to me. 'Who is it?'

When I didn't answer, she snatched my copy of Advanced Potion Making from my lap and held it up high.

'If you don't tell me, I will hand this book in. Since you don't have any decency in doing it yourself, I know the Half Blood Prince will find it a most delightful move. Noone wants other people to copy off of their work.'

'So says the girl who fancies reading books, pouring over things other people have written –'

'Well that's different!' she said blushing. 'You don't even know who this Half Blood Prince is.'

'He's as brilliant as any of the authors of those textbooks.'

'I'll still hand it in', she threatened and I smiled. 'Who is it?'

I gazed across the lake before us and sighed. Wishing Ron was here, I knew that she would have been much more occupied with him as with me.

'I can't tell you because you will think of me as weird', I said.

'I've never thought of you as weird and you have done weird things.'

'Alright', I said pretending to sound as if I was giving up, 'it's Luna.'

I waited for the angry and shocked hiss but none of that came. Instead, Hermione threw her arms up in disgust and shook her head.

'Don't be stupid about it, Harry. I'm not that thick. I know it's a male.'

And I knew that I was supposed to appear shocked and be left speechless but somehow, I felt a bit relieved that she had silently accepted my sexuality as alright.

'How do you know...?' and I trailed off.

'I can smell his cologne all the time on you', she said matter of factly. 'My father wears the same perfume and so does my uncle from France. It's called Perry Ellis. The scent is so recognisable to me and at first I believed that you wore that. But then Ron told me that you use Brute so it had me wondering...and so I put two and two together and was confronted with the idea that you might be gay. I mean after Cho and Ginny then Tonks...and then you mentioning Johnny.'

I listened to her ramble off and smiled at her brilliance and keen sense of intelligence. Hermione was one of a kind.

'Yes, I am gay', I admitted.

'But who is it? It has to be someone here and so far no one in Gryffindor smells like Perry Ellis. I've checked.'

And I suddenly envisaged Hermione sniffing out all the boys: Dean, Seamus, Fred and George.

'And there's only one person so far that I know that wears that perfume. I caught a whiff one day in class when he passed me and he always smells like that. It's just that it's Snape and well, he's a teacher and all. Besides, you hate him so much and he _is_ a teacher so it can't be...why are you looking at me like that?'

I realised that I had somehow been holding my breath and my eyes had widened when she mentioned his name.

'Oh my God, Harry!'

'What?' I asked nervously.

'Is it Snape? Professor Snape?' and her hands flew up to cover her open mouth. 'But he's a teacher!'

'Not to mention a Death Eater, he's sixteen years older than me and he is hated by almost everyone.'

'This isn't funny, Harry!' she exclaimed. 'You can't...but if you smell like him at times, that means...'

'It's nothing', I said taking my book from her lap and getting up. 'You wouldn't understand, Hermione.'

'Help me to then', she pleaded, looking at me as I brushed the grass from my pants.

'Some other time...not now. I don't feel like talking about it now.' And I got up then walked away.

Time flew by really quickly when I stopped to consider it and before we all knew it, Christmas had come by. I just remembered looking out the window one day when we were in Potions class and viola...there was snow falling. I accidentally slipped too much of an ingredient into my concoction and the result was terrible. Even though the Half Blood Prince's book was right in front of me with the exact ingredients and directions, I had gotten a D. Hermione smiled at me right there and then, believing that maybe the Prince had been wrong about something for once.

And so Christmas morning came with Ron yelling my name to get up and come have a look under the tree. I went downstairs yawning, my eyes watering from having slept in too long that morning. We unwrapped the gifts: I got a pair of mittens from Ron's mother, a bag of chocolate fudge cookies from Hermione, a book entitled 'Love and its Challenges' from Lupin and Sirius and then there were the cards. There were three of them actually: one from Dumbledore that immediately played 'Jingle Bells' when I opened it, one from McGonagall that reminded me to have courage and strength and then there was that one strange card that bore no name on its envelope.

The only words on it were: 'open when you're alone'. I smiled because it sounded like it was from Johnny. And I had sent him a card as well a week ago so that it could reach on time to New York. We had been writing to each other constantly yet I somehow didn't see him anymore as a lover. He was merely a friend now.

'Who's that from?' Ron asked as Hermione joined us and I quickly stowed it away under my tee shirt. 'It's from Sirius', I said and finished it at that.

Later that morning when they had both opened their gifts that I had bought them: a new leather cover diary for Hermione and a pair of Quidditch leather gloves for Ron, I excused myself. Once outside and out of their eyesight, I slipped into a corridor and took out the letter. The cold frosty air blew into my face as I stood there, and I quickly stepped into the interior of the castle. My hands shook as I prised open the envelope's flap and pulled out the card.

Opening it, I read the following:

**Harry,**

**Christmas morning it is indeed and here I am savouring the silence within my office without anyone by my side to even greet the festive day happily. I will declare that I am a hopeless cause. It is my belief that you will indeed enjoy the day with your friends and your gifts from your secret admirers. I am aware that you have a few, to be exact, millions. Little do either of them realise that you are just a young man like any teenage boy who ventures out for love, security, trust and to be wanted.**

**I know what love feels like, Harry. I am just asking you to stay strong and someday everything will be alright. You have never really grown to know how things are for normal people. Someday you will.**

**Enough is said on my part. I do hope you received a most high heap of gifts. I miss your smile.**

**With love,**

**Professor Severus Snape.**

**P.S – I wish you the best in your future, Harry, whatever may happen. Just remember that even when I am not there, I will always have your best interests in my heart. Stay strong, Harry or shall I refer to you once again as Mr. Potter.**

I reread his words over and over again until I could quote bits of phrases. I just didn't understand why he made it sound as if he expected something bad to happen in the future, as if he wouldn't be there someday. I decided to not think about those things and so I chose to smile for he had said that he missed my smile. At least he missed me all the same.

And so I stayed at Hogwarts for Christmas, spending time with Hermione and Ron and exploring the castle even more. We searched the Room of Requirement for odd things that might be of interest to us and Ron even found a watch that turned out to be a love meter. All he had to do was to get Hermione to stand next to him, press a button on the side and the hands turned to reveal for example: short hand 3, long hand 7 meaning she was a 3/7th compatibility. However, Hermione's exact reading was 9/10th. I just wished that I could try it on Snape. I wondered what his reading would be.

'Let Harry try me', Hermione was saying as we went back downstairs again. Ron handed me the watch with a glum expression on his face. 'I just want to see if it's working or not, Ron.'

So I took it then wrapped the watch around my right hand. We were near the entrance to the Great Hall now and I stopped to take her reading.

'Good afternoon', Snape's voice said silkily from behind me and I spun around to face him, my finger accidentally pressing the button as that exact time. 'Learning to tell the time, Potter?'

'Good afternoon, Professor', we all said in unison and I had to crack a smile. 'I'm adjusting the time', I said looking down at the watch because I didn't want Hermione to use her suspicious eyes to seek out trouble.

'It's two o'clock', Snape said checking his unit on his right hand. 'Do enjoy your day, Potter', and he turned around then walked away. I was a bit glad and sad that he had left. Sad because I wanted him to stay and talk to me. I wanted to tell him I loved the card. But I was also glad that he hadn't said anything in front of Hermione and Ron. One of them already knew too much and as for the other, well wasn't prepared to lose him as a friend as yet.

'Alright check me now, Harry', Hermione reminded me and I looked down at the watch.

Its reading was 9.5/10 and it was then that I realised that I had pressed the button as soon as I had turned to face Snape. That meant that Snape and I was 95% compatible? How awesomely weird! I thought as I reset the watch.

**Writer's Notes: Not much happened here and I know you'll be angry at me for that. But I just wasn't feeling any drama for this chapter! I had to resist from bringing on any tensions because of them being in school once more, you know? However, the next chapter entails Dumbledore's death and trust me; it has a lot of drama between Snape and Harry! **

**REVIEW PLEASE!**


	10. Chapter 10

***Here it is! It's a LONG one I know but it's gonna be worth the read, trust me on this. And many of you begged me to just you know, get more situations with Snape and Harry's tension. You wanted me to bring drama and flare to it. So I had to twist the plot again. This chapter is spectacular and it's my best so far, I think. Please read every word because every word, every sentence and every feeling stated is important. If you miss something it might throw you off balance. I only ask you this...are you ready?***

**oOoOoOo**

**(Snape)**

Confusion and yet anger was flooding through my body as I stared down at Draco then my eyes moved to Harry who was staring wild eyed at me. The surroundings appeared quite unusual as I observed around me. Taps were running, sinks were overflowing and Malfoy's school shirt was balled up and in the sink. Then my eyes moved to Harry. He clutched his wand in his right hand almost too forcefully, and then I watched him observe Draco, fear creeping over his face.

'What happened here, Potter?' It seemed all too fishy. Something just wasn't adding together here. Wasn't this the outcome of a spell I had once invented myself?

He faced me then swallowed. 'I don't know', he lied blatantly.

That all in all set my nerves on end because there he stood and he actually chose to lie to my face. I immediately stooped next to Malfoy then waved my wand over his bloody chest, muttering the counter curse to a spell that I had myself made up. But how had Harry come to know about my spell? I'd have to deal with that as soon as I aided Draco. When I had done enough to cease the bleeding, I used the hover charm to have him stand vertical next to me. Then casting a reproachful glance at Potter, I made for the door, Draco beside me, his face contorted from pain.

'Wait here, Potter', I said icily, 'we need to talk about this.'

'But Sir –'

'_Do_ as I say', I ordered then I went out the door with Draco.

When I had returned after placing Draco in Madam Pompfrey's care, I closed the washroom door then faced Harry. He was staring at me with confusion in his green eyes, and yet I understood why he had hexed Malfoy. They had somehow had one of their confrontations and Harry had gotten a little too far. And so I dreaded asking the question but I had to anyway.

'Where did you learn that spell, Potter?' I asked trying to sound angry.

'I-somewhere in a book I read it up somewhere I don't know what happened I didn't know the spell would do that –'

'What book?' I asked interrupting him as he attempted to babble away.

'A library book', he lied again and I had no choice but to penetrate his mind although I knew he immediately felt me intruding in his thoughts for his eyes squinted as he lost focus with the room before him.

What I saw shocked me nonetheless for I saw my old battered Potions Making textbook that I once used in Hogwarts swim into focus in Harry's mind. But it couldn't be. I had believed that I had somehow misplaced that textbook years ago. How had it found itself into Harry's hands?

'Bring your copy of Advanced Potions Making to me', I said, 'go on. I'm waiting. And hurry.'

He threw a cold glance at me then ran out the washroom. When he returned, he was clutching a copy of the Potions book in his hand but after reading the name of Roonil Wazil on the inside of the cover, I knew that he had somehow stolen Mr. Weasley's copy of the book to bring to me.

'You stand there before me and actually expect me to believe that this is _your_ book?' I asked holding the book out in front of me. 'Are you _lying_ to me, Potter?'

He stared back at me, his eyes resembling green pools of shallow water that appeared tempting to surrender and get drowned in. But I didn't allow myself to step into the captivity of his intense gaze.

'Alright I lied', he said lowering his eyes, 'I just can't find my copy of the book. I –'

'Did you just admit that you lied to me, Potter?' I asked stepping tentatively towards him, my eyes on his. 'Do you know what I detest the most?'

'I-no', he said softly as he stepped backwards.

'I seriously hate liars, Potter', I announced as I saw that he had stepped back against the wall. 'And to have you lie to me, I am now forced to wonder if this is the first time that you –'

'No', he said cutting me off, 'I never lied to you before. I promise you that.'

'Don't promise me anything if you are going to lie to me easily', I demanded, pointing my wand at his chest. 'Tell me the truth. Where did you learn that spell from?'

I wanted to see the fear flicker in his eyes as he observed the situation at hand. I wanted him to understand that I was terribly angry because he had lied to me. But what did Harry do? He gazed back at me coolly, those green eyes remaining calmly focused. Oh how he could bring forth so many ways to tease, tempt and torment me: the three T's. He would smile at the most daring thing, remain calm when he was faced with a most terrible situation and yet, yet I really utterly enjoyed his reactions as they were. Potter was one of a kind.

'What do you want me to say?' he asked seriously, 'do you want me to tell you the truth so that you can begin to lecture me on how bad my actions were, so that you can laugh in my face and call me a fool? I have told you the truth before, all of it were true. And if you don't believe me then fuck off.'

I stepped towards him and grabbed him by the front of his school shirt that was soaked from either sweat or water, I couldn't care less. 'Don't you dare swear at me, Potter. Don't you dare do that!'

'Lower your wand, Snape', he said narrowing his eyes at me. 'Lower your wand and step away from me.

I did but slowly, keeping my eyes on him. 'Say that you are sorry, Potter. You owe me an apology.'

'I don't owe you any apology. It's you who owe me one for believing that I had been lying to you before.'

'Oh look who's speaking of _owe_. In a sense, you owe me_ tremendously_, Potter. I have been trying to protect your ass from many things. I have been risking my life to save yours and you stand there announcing that I _owe_ you?'

'I never asked for you to be the one to protect me!' he said harshly and I knew that I had said enough. 'It's you who made the promise and it's you who has to suffer because of it so –'

'Silence!' I sneered at him as my hand pushed him back and my fingers dug into his chest. 'How dare you!'

'How dare I what? Remind you of the truth?' he asked boldly. 'You can have a choice you know. Walk away and never protect me again, never try to be there for me and never ever promise to give me a chance. Go. I'm the one you're protecting so I have a right to say something about it.' And I saw his eyes moisten as his anger began to anguish him.

'You want me to walk away?' I asked dryly, my eyes threatening to bring forth tears as well. 'Is that what you want?'

'You leave me with no choice!' he demanded heatedly, 'you made it sound as if protecting me is something you don't want to do –'

'I have never said that, Potter', I said my voice strained. 'I never ever said that. You are jumping to conclusions.'

'Look who's talking about jumping to conclusions when you just accused me of lying before! What do you mean by you've been risking your life to save mine and you've been trying to protect my ass? It sounds as if you wanted nothing to do with it! You'd rather stand aside and watch me die, watch me be punished and –'

I grabbed him by his shoulders and stared him hard in his eyes. 'Why do you believe that I'd desire to watch you die and be punished? Do you believe me to be that _lowly_?'

'Then why did you have to make an oath? Why don't you tell me about that part instead of lying to me. If it's anyone who has to tell me the truth, it has to be you. Why did Dumbledore say that you made an oath to protect me? What brought about that?'

I just stood there looking back at him because I couldn't answer his questions. You know that I couldn't do that no matter what the circumstances were.

'Besides, I look like my father so why risk your neck to protect me?' He was tempting me.

'You ask for answers that you really don't want to know, Potter. I will not answer your questions.'

'Fine then, so much for telling the truth. Have it your way.'

'My way?' I asked raising an eyebrow. 'I will desire it your way, Potter.' And I released my grip on him, 'I am doing as you suggested I do. I will walk away.'

'GO ahead and punish me then', he pleaded, taunting me once again, 'for what I said. Go ahead and do what you want. If you walk away, I swear I will not forget it because this will not be the first time that you walked away when I needed you most. You always leave, you always leave me hanging and this here, this is stupid. This is fucking _stupid_. I am fed up of you judging me, Snape. Go ahead and walk away and I swear that I will make you regret it.'

I stared back at him speechless. Words couldn't come. However, I managed to say, 'I have never judged you, Harry.'

'You have!' he demanded, 'you think I'm disgusting because I have feelings for you and you twist it around and take advantage of me, mocking me, using my feelings to hurt me back –'

'I have never turned anything around, have never used your words to target you!' I said in disbelief. 'I don't believe you are disgusting and I have never mocked you!'

'You're always hurting me', he said sadly, 'you hurt me more emotionally than I have ever been hurt physically. I don't want that because that's not love.'

'Fine', I said, 'It's how I desired you to feel from the beginning. There is no such thing as love between us. You have just admitted it yourself. Why don't you seek out someone else to generate this anger and love towards instead of attacking me? I am finished here with you. Our relationship goes back to the two of us loathing after each other then. Your last words?'

There was a tap running somewhere behind me, edging at my nerves as I glared at him. And then there was the smell of mould and soap around me as well. I couldn't take this anymore, it was too damn much. He was standing there daring me to have a go at him and I wasn't ready to fight back. All I wanted to do was to punish him by silencing his words with a passionate kiss, grab him by his shirt and ravish him against the wall and leave him breathless. However, such things appeared frivolous in my mind at the current moment. So sliding my wand back into my robe, I turned towards the door and strode out, leaving him gaping in my wake.

'I hate you, Snape', he muttered as I reached the door.

Sighing, I slowed down my pace and said clearly for him to hear, 'How utterly truthful.'

**(Harry)**

Following the washroom incident, our relationship as it was became almost too jumpy. Whenever I'd see Snape, my feet on its own accord would carry me the other way, or my eyes would suddenly flick away from him to stare elsewhere.

I remember one time when I was standing by myself waiting on Hermione and Ron to come downstairs and I heard his voice travelling along the corridor that I was standing on, I immediately turned around and I quickly walked away, in fear of seeing him.

Just the look on his face when he saw me made me feel bad about myself. And I bet he believed that all that I had told him was a lie. But how could he believe I lied when he had witnessed how I reacted to when he touched me, talked to me and so on? Was Snape that dense?

And so the days travelled by with me sitting at the back of his classes, my head bent on most occasions when I could manage it. At times he would stride down the aisle to see if we were reading our textbooks and he'd linger at my table almost too long. My eyes never lifted to meet his because somehow deep inside, I believed that he had insulted me as much as I had insulted him during that washroom incident. And naturally I couldn't see my fault so the blame fell on him.

One times too many I was forced to answer a question in class. One such an occasion, Snape had paired us up into groups to assess a situation that somehow threatened the life of someone in some way. He wanted us to tell him how we would deal with such a situation. When the time came for Hermione and me to have a go, he called on me to answer the question, to discuss it openly. I did so, trying my best to sound cold and bored and I expected him to retort on my stupid answer or something. But he never looked at me. His eyes were focused elsewhere but on me. And so I took that to mean that he had become disgusted in setting his eyes on me ever again.

And what did anyone want me to do after he had refused to answer my questions? After what he had told me about him risking his stupid life to save me...did I ask for that? I never asked him to do that and yet he always acted as if he was important and anyone couldn't do without him.

**But you can't do without him.**

Fuck you, I said to my conscience. Fuck you and fuck him and fuck the whole population that believes that I owe them for looking out for me.

And so when I got back upstairs, do you know what I did? I took out the card that he sent me from under my pillow and I tore it up bit by bit. Tears flooded my eyes but all I could feel for him was anger and pain. And whilst I was tearing the card up, I swore that I would forget him. I made my oath that it was all but a misunderstanding and the feelings I had for him was just a phase. I wasn't gay. I wasn't bisexual as well. And I could have proved it if I wanted to. There was Ginny who could love me back and I could have a go with any other girl if I wanted to. He had just messed up my mind.

But stupid me didn't understand that that was not how love worked. Deep down, I still wanted him. I longed for Snape more than ever since that day when we had that argument. And deep down I knew that I'd never get over him. But wasn't it good to at least hope that I could succeed? After all, what would you have chosen...to continue longing for someone that you couldn't have for a next two years and you might not even get them then...or would you let go of those feelings?

I even cursed him silently as I lay on my bed, my eyes on the ceiling and when Ron came in, I turned to face the other way, my eyes burning.

'Alright, Harry?' he asked softly and I nodded.

'Yea, I'm just tired.'

'Good night then.'

'Good night, Ron'.

The days went by very slow for me and with every day that came, I became much more depressed. I'd wake up in the morning, my eyes swollen after crying silently over his stupid ass. And I feared that I was becoming a sissy indeed.

I spent my days in Dumbledore's office, revisiting his memories of Voldemort and analysing those memories with him bit by bit. I found similarities in myself and Tom Riddle at most times and the question always burnt at the back of my mind to ask Dumbledore why Snape had made an oath to him. Yet I never did ask him. Even after I had managed to get the memory from Slughorn that he had asked me for, I still didn't ask him about Snape. It was until I was heading up to meet Dumbledore on a top landing along a tower. As I was climbing the stairs, I heard Snape's voice.

'...tell him and you never ever wish to relate everything to me? Shouldn't I know more as well? After all, I am protecting the boy.'

'I have decided that I shouldn't place all my eggs in one basket. I haven't gotten around to having all my trust placed on one person, especially one who so happens to be dangling on the arm of Voldemort.'

I could have only seen Snape's back, his black robe gathered at his feet as he stood facing Dumbledore. And I knew he was glaring at the man before him.

'Have it your way', Snape said and he bowed then spun around. Even before I could figure out where to hide, he was coming my way. He came to stop before me, his dark eyes steely. 'Eavesdropping, Potter?'

'Leave me alone', I said coldly and I tried to move around him.

'Watch your mouth, Pot-'

'I said to leave me alone!' I said through gritted teeth and without waiting on him to lash out at me, I pushed past him, tears burning in my eyes.

'You think', and he grabbed the front of my robe then held me there before him, 'that I am your age, your size and I am on the same level of arrogance with you, don't you? Don't you!'

We were on the landing below where Dumbledore stood so it was possible that he could have heard us. However, Snape couldn't care less. I could see anger in his eyes as he glared at me and I wondered at that moment if all that anger was the cause of me. Was I the source of it all or did the Headmaster ignite that fury inside of him?

And rain was coming. I could feel my skin prickle as the air became intensely chilled. Then thunder rolled somewhere above us and my prediction was proven. Coming back to Snape gripping me by the front of my robe, I refused to answer him. Fuck him, don't you agree?

'I have had enough of you trying to hurt, humour and test me, Potter', he said and his body was pressed almost too intimately against mine. I felt nothing because my blood had become almost too cold, if it was from the chilled air or what, I couldn't tell. But my entire body was becoming too cold. 'You're emotional bouts of anger, and frustration that allows you to vent idiotic behaviours to me is edging at me nerves.'

'Then get over yourself!' I demanded into his face, 'do as I say and leave me alone!'

'Do not tell me what to do'. And he tightened his grip on my shirt. The result was me feeling my collar cut into my skin as he held me there. 'I don't take orders from you, Potter.'

'I forgot', I hissed angrily, 'you take orders from Voldemort don't you? Sorry but it slipped my mind. Sometimes I wonder where your destiny lies and since you hate me, it surely doesn't lie here.'

And he then chose to drag me down the stairs, me stumbling in his wake as he carried us two landings below. I tried to fight him off, and I tried to tug at his hand to make him let me go, but he was too strong for me. And my hands were slippery with sweat.

Its funny how at times when you'd expect yourself to become vulnerable and break up, you all of a sudden would feel extremely cold and secure. It was as if he couldn't say anything to make me break down. I felt as if I could argue back with his sorry ass for as long as he desired. That was Harry Potter for you. I became stronger in the worst situations ever. I'd have my parents' death mentioned by some idiot and I'd fight back, with anger as compared to me breaking down at the mention of them.

Snape took us to the beginning of the corridor which one had to take to get up to the landing. Pushing me into a corner as the thunder rolled above us, he once again continued to try to intimidate me. But like I said, none of it would work. I was wrong, so wrong.

'You have crossed too many boundaries with me, Potter', he whispered angrily. 'I do not take such arrogance from people like you.'

My blood was rushing through my veins, my head was pounding and all I wanted was to push him away from me. I wanted to take out my wand and have a go at him with how angry I was feeling. Oh fuck, the nerve of him to attack me! And he called himself mature! Was this how a mature person handled a situation like this?

'I'm arrogant?' I asked and laughed, watching his eyes flicker, 'I'm arrogant. Snape if you don't let me go this instant I'm going to make you regret it because I do not like it when people harass me like this.'

'Make me regret it then', he asked of me, daring me to do something.

From the corner of my eye I could see that it had begun raining lightly and I knew that Dumbledore would want to know where I was. I was supposed to meet him. But this asshole had me here and I couldn't do anything about it. Or could I? Reaching down, I did the only thing that came to mind (other than taking my wand out and trying to do something with it). My hand found between his pants and I desperately tried to grab unto him. His dark eyes fluttered as I held unto his penis through his pants and it was then that he used his other hand to grip behind my back, his fingertips digging into my skin through my school shirt.

As our bodies pressed together, honestly, I could feel Snape's heart pounding terribly beneath his shirt. His lips parted slightly as he breathed in and out of his mouth, and I felt my heart begin to pound tremendously too! Seriously! I know that you'd probably be wondering how I could move from being so fucking angry at him to me wanting to fuck him right there and then, but that was what I was beginning to imagine. Chills travelled up and down my spine as my chest tightened when I noted his expression on his face change.

'Potter', he breathed into my face and then he buried his face into my hair. 'Stop it.'

'You said to make you regret it', I declared softly and my mind was working fast because I was thinking several things one time. Don't go all buggers on me and say that oh wow, Harry Potter finds it amazing that he's thinking about several things at one time. Oh no, it's not like that. It's just that damn.

What I felt, what I had my hand around was something extraordinarily amazing. He called me big before? If I was big then he was like, bigger than big: based on as much as I was feeling, that is.

'I am going to hurt you', he said hoarsely and I couldn't help but smile as he pulled back and our eyes met, his were glazed though.

'How nice of you to warn me in advance, Snape', I said holding his gaze. 'Fuck', and I swore as I felt his hand grab me as well.

'Move your hand away before I hurt you. I'm warning you, Potter. I am so angry right now that not even that will affect me. You are pushing it too much.'

'But it did affect you', I said.

His hand tightened around my penis which was growing hard as ever and I suddenly felt the urge to pee. It always happened when the place was cold, damn it! I suspect that that was normal right? But geese, what was he going to play...a tug of war?

I know you would have continued to hold unto him, especially since he was supposed to get what he asked for but I let go. The thing is, he didn't let go of me. What was I to do now? Oh right, I had asked for this.

'Listen to me', he said softly and I could still see the anger flaring behind his eyes. 'If you ever try that again, I might just –' and he bent forward, using his teeth to bit my bottom lip softly then I felt his teeth cutting in as he bit down harder. Then my lip was released and he was breathing into my mouth, his fingers pressing into my neck as he held me there. And his other hand was tightening around my penis, making me moan, my eyelids fluttering close. 'I might just do as you wish me to and fuck you ,hurt you so bad that you'll wish that you never touched me in the first place, that you never crossed the line with me at all.' And he released me, his face still close to mine.

'That is what I want', I whispered and I couldn't take it anymore. It felt as if a volcano was erupting in my body after he had done what he had done to me. Grabbing him by his hair with one hand, I braved all odds and kissed him hard, my tongue forcing his lips apart as I tilted his head sideways to work my way around his mouth. He didn't kiss me back. That was what I was expecting but he allowed me to, and it was a passionate kiss, one that entailed him trying to bite my tongue, my lip as he tried to hurt me.

'You-really-don't-learn-do-you?' he asked, his breath coming almost too quickly. 'I only know of one category of love making, Potter, one he taught me. And that', he pulled away from the kiss then he grabbed my hair at the back of my head with one hand, jerking my head sideways, 'is of such pain that pleasure takes long to come after.' And when I felt Snape's teeth close around my flesh at the base of my neck, I cried out, my voice breaking up as he nibbled me hard there.

'I don't want you to hurt me, Snape', I said. 'I'm not like him. I'd never hurt you like he –'

'You have hurt me, Potter', he said into my neck, and my skin felt raw and tingly where he had nibbled me. 'You are always hurting me, just like he always wants to hurt me. You demand that I have been hurting you but you're doing the very same to me. It is no different than -'

'I'm not like him!' I demanded fiercely. 'Whatever he did to you, I'd never do that.'

'Oh you would', he said and worked his way to my earlobe. 'You would keep on tormenting me any way you can have it, simply because I have always denied loving you back the very same way you desire me.'

'But you do love me', I said softly as sweat drained down my back and my face. 'You cannot fool me.'

I felt my shirt slip further down my shoulder as he exposed the skin there and then his teeth was closing around my skin again as he nibbled me hard there as well. Then with his fingers digging into my neck and back, he stood up to fix his eyes on mine. 'Harry, I don't want you. Believe that and that alone. You cannot have me and I cannot have you even if I wished it. Leave me alone, Harry. _Leave me alone_. I _swear_ to God if you do not do as I say, matters will become worse for you. What people fail to realise is that once you anger me, I make you regret it.'

'But I did nothing to you to make you –'

'You didn't?' he asked with his dark eyes alighted with flames of danger or desire or despair. 'You touched me most intimately. And you were rude to me. I always excuse you because of suspicion of your hormones stirring up trouble within you. But if you ever do that again to me, violate me as such, I will hurt you. This is my warning, Potter.'

'Well I'm sorry then', I said angrily, 'And just for the record, I didn't bring this to happen. It's you who took me down here. So don't put any blame on me because you know what I think? I think that you were just waiting on a chance to hurt me. I'm sorry for doing that. But in case you haven't noticed, you're up on me too so I didn't have a choice.'

The rain blew in on us as we stood there pressed together and I wished that lightening could strike us there and then, killing us to save our lives.

**(Snape)**

He had taken me to the edge of my sanity within an hour and I was afraid that I was about to fall from the edge. I was so fucking distraught, so angry and so frustrated with everyone, everything that I was taking it out on him and he didn't even know. How selfish I was to treat him like that when he didn't deserve it. But I believed that he did deserve some of it because of his mere existence, he was turning my life into a living hell. I was burning in his flames of desire and love, and if I didn't gather composure soon enough, I swore that I'd mess up big time and Voldemort would take me out.

That was my concern right now. Everything I worked for in protecting him and protecting myself would collapse before me if Potter trapped me. And what did I do? I tried to hurt him, to make him feel how painful I had learnt to make love: the beginnings of love, and he had done nothing but ask for more. How insane was that? Everything I did, he responded oppositely.

What did I require? I wished unto that hour that I could take him away and escape from all of this. Yet, it made no sense for me to perform such a ludicrous action. I was supposed to kill Dumbledore any day now and I had just made matters worse for both of us: Harry and I. I had intended to frighten him, make him fear me as I exposed my dangerous side to him. But it had just made him desire me more than before and now I desire him more than ever as well. I was aware that I had to run into hiding when I performed the act of killing that greying flute upstairs. I just wanted...

I didn't know what the flying fuck I wanted anymore since I fell for Harry. It always felt almost like if I was a leaf caught in a whirlwind taking me places I reckoned I'd never know of. He could drive me mad with his harsh words, torment me with his advances and boldness and he could even make me angry when he desired me at the most. What sort of love was this? Was I to continue to suffer even though I believed I loved someone? Was that what love entailed?

And what would he do when I vanished in a few days, weeks from him? Explain to me how you would have felt had you been in my position. Would you have walked away? Should you make love to him even though it might be the last time you'd ever see him again, even though it might tie you closer to him, even though it might tear up your mind and force you to just let go and give up?

'This is too much for me', I said. 'I hate love. Quite rhetorical but do me a favour and leave me alone. It is all I ask of you, Potter. Fuck.'

I began to cry before him, my body shaking from sadness and frustration as I thought of what situation I was in. And when he only stared back at me, tears draining down his cheeks, I took his right hand in mine and reached into my pocket.

'Snape', he said and he tried to press the palm of his left hand unto my face.

'Take...this', I whispered and I slipped the envelope into his hand. 'Do not open it until the act is committed. No', I said as he tried to ask me what I was referring to, 'you will know what I am speaking of when the time comes.'

I placed my fingers on his left hand that was resting on my cheek and removed it. 'Don't. We make each other hurt too much, Potter. We argue too much and it is because of our differing beliefs on anything happening between us. I am most sorry for targeting you with the hatred I was feeling. My life isn't exactly filled with roses and sunshine these days. Forgive me.'

'I have to go', I said stepping away. 'I am sorry for everything. Goodbye. I walk away from you as of now once again.' And I knew it was utterly stupid of me to end it that way but I had to do it. I couldn't stand there with him any longer. Leaving him to stand looking after me, I strode off down the corridor, my eyes flooded with tears as I went.

**(Harry)**

I just couldn't understand it all. Fuck what was going on with him?

He had dragged me down here, trying to ignite an argument between the two of us. And then he was teasing me by biting my neck, my ear, my lip...all those parts of me still either tingled or ached. I wanted more of it. Sadistic as it was but I wanted his teeth closing around my skin again, his hand around me and his demand to fuck me met out. I always wanted, wanted, wanted and would never just think about what he wanted.

It would seem so selfish right? But the thing is, every single time I saw him, I was reminded of how he didn't desire to be with me. And not only that, but I couldn't even have it my way if I wanted. The outcome was gnawing away at my conscience. Have you ever felt that way...as if you wanted someone even though you knew it was wrong? I wanted him even though he could make me so fucking angry, he could shun me even when I teased him and he could snap at me and I could somehow keep my calm. But why was he so emotional when it came to me if he claimed that he didn't feel the same for me?

**But you are hurting him, Harry. Anger is just Snape's way of reacting to you hurting him. You're tormenting him so bad that he's losing control. Just look at what he did to you, what he told you. Use your fucking common sense that the Big Man gave you! What are you doing with it? Using it to think through your balls?**

He's angry? HE is angry? What about me? How am I hurting him? So many questions I have so answer them if you think you're so special.

**You're hurting him. He's hurting you. What the flying fuck don't you get from that?**

He's confusing me. What am I to do? Walk away and forget it all? Forget all that happened?

**Are you even paying any attention to me? My name is conscience and I am attempting to help you! Look beyond the horizon, buddy. Stop focusing on yourself and put yourself in Snape's position for awhile. **

I can't do that if he's not being honest with me in the first place! How can I even think as he would if he's somehow holding back something from me? How can I see things in detail when things are missing in the first place?

**He loves you.**

No he doesn't.

**So he said he'd fuck you just like that?**

He was angry at me. Saying that was his way of attempting to make me feel threatened!

**Any reasonable gay man would want you. You're just being an asshole by denying the fact that he loves you.**

'Oh God, I'm running off', I said out loud as I climbed the stairs to meet Dumbledore. 'I'm talking to my conscience!'

'Look at you', Dumbledore said with his forehead creased as I went to stand next to him, 'you look utterly confused, Harry.'

'If you only knew', I said sighing.

'What was that?'

'Nothing', I said and tried to avoid his eyes. Instead I gazed out unto the grounds below. The green grass was sharply coloured since the rain had moistened it and a few students had braved it to venture outside.

'Is it Professor Snape?'

I said nothing.

'I take that as a yes', he said calmly. Turning to face him, my fingers massaging my jaw, I made up a face.

'So where are we going?' I asked instead, trying to divert the conversation.

'Oh yes, getting back to that, you shall know most soon enough.'

So we got to that eerily looking cave thing, we went inside, I had to force him to drink the liquid in the bowl, he complied, things came up from the dark lake to grab out at us, and then I was standing with my arm around him on the same landing as before. The liquid had threatened to drive him over the edge. Looking at him stumble before me, as he gripped the bars to support himself, I felt one thing and that was fear. I had never seen him like this before because he was this great wizard that I knew of. But here he was practically as shaken up as a rattle. And when he demanded to see Snape, for me to go fetch Snape, I wanted to die.

'But I should go find someone else', I said tucking my wand away. 'I –'

'Professor Snape', he whispered. 'He's the one you must get. Quickly, Harry.'

And so I descended the stairs but I had only gotten to the landing below when I heard footsteps climbing the same stairs I had taken mere seconds before. Ducking around a corner, away from view, I peered up and could only make out the person's soles of his or her shoes. The person standing right above me and dust filtered down as whomever it was stepped from one foot to the other.

'Don't try to even protect yourself', Draco's voice warned and I was filled with surprise. I then her something hit the ground above. It had to be him disarming Dumbledore. 'Jus-just let me do this. Don't try –'

'Draco Malfoy', Dumbledore said, his voice in a whisper.

I stood listening to Dumbledore trying to persuade Malfoy to not kill him and just when I decided that I'd go along up and step in, I heard footfalls on the stairway. Peering around a carton, my eyes rested on Bellatrix, Greyback, and another Death Eater whom I knew but I couldn't place a name on him as of then.

Could I face them all on my own if I went up there? I was slowly walking towards the stairs as I was thinking all of this and when someone grabbed my shoulder from behind, I almost screamed like a little girl. Turning around, my eyes locked with Snape.

'What the...?'

'Harry', and he placed his finger on his lips to signal me to be quiet. 'stay here.'

'What? I must stay here and do nothing? What's going –'

'Listen to me', he whispered frantically and grabbed me by the front of my shirt. I was getting used to this. 'Trust me, please. Stay here.'

'I can't', but he did the unimaginable. Snape pulled me forward and his lips were on mine hungrily. He bit my upper lip as I tried to grab his hair and then it was over as fast as it had begun. 'Snape', I whispered and he brought his face closer to mine, our lips touching.

And he was then walking away from me, he was climbing the stairs and then I heard the voices muffle as they took in his entrance. My face was dripping with sweat and my head was pounding with confusion and anxiety because I wanted to do something. What was I to do? Stand there and observe Death Eaters parading in the topmost landing of Hogwarts? But just as I then decided that I'd rush down to maybe get another teacher and alert someone, my eyes flickered back upstairs.

'Severus', Dumbledore was saying, 'please.'

I looked closer and was shocked with what I was seeing. Snape had his wand pointed to Dumbledore! What the...?

'Avada Kedavra!' he yelled and I winced, my body becoming cold, too cold as I witnessed the horror.

Somehow I had managed to run for my life because next thing I knew, I was going down the stairs and running along a corridor. They were obviously coming behind me because there was only one way to get out from up that way. But what was I to do now? They couldn't disapparate from inside the castle so that meant that they'd have to get out of the grounds. The vanishing cabinet. All these things were whirling around in my mind as I strode on. He had killed Dumbledore. Snape had killed. Was it him though? Did I hear correctly? It was his voice yes.

Things were happening so fast. I was feeling a rush. My feet were feeling like jelly. My head was threatening to burst open. Snape. Fuck!

And then I saw them as they were escaping down the corridor and along a hallway towards a door that would lead them outside. What did I do? I followed them. I honestly don't know what went in me to do that but I followed them because of one thing. I wanted to fight him, make him tell me the truth. He wasn't going to escape and leave me here filled with all these questions. This wasn't going to end just like that.

Tears came to my eyes when I thought of what I had witnessed him perform. He had killed Dumbledore in front of me, knowing that I was there and I could see everything. What was he playing at? Was this some sadistic game of his to kiss me, demand that I remain where I was and then venture up to kill the man I believed he trusted the most? Actually it was the other way around now: Dumbledore had trusted him..._had._

And I was pelting through the trees after them, Bellatrix firing hexes back at me as I shouted his name out.

'Snape!'

It had begun raining again and my eyes were stinging from hot tears. Another curse flew at me and I was thrown back with tremendous force.

'Leave him', I heard his damned voice. 'He belongs to the Dark Lord. We mustn't hurt him.'

Fighting to take deep breaths, I struggled up and ran after them, anguished and angered. My frigging head was spinning like a bloody top. And as much as my heart ached from being pressured and there were stitches in my side, I ran on. He wasn't going to leave me like this without answers.

'Snape!' I shouted again and this time we had reached the clearing that led up to Hagrid's house. 'Snape!'

And then he spun around to face me, his face ash white and his eyes wide. 'What?'

We stared at each other, a mixture of emotions flicking behind our eyes, emotions that the other could see clearly for we were that vulnerable to each other now when we came face to face.

'Why?' I asked bending over and clutching my sides. 'Why did you –'

'Potter, go back. Leave.' And the rain came down in sheets now, obscuring my vision so that he was a blur in front of me.

'You killed him', I whispered then stood up full, 'you killed him! Why...?'

'Just go. You need not know anymore!'

And I got up then attempted to run at him but he raised his wand and I was thrown back, this time I felt as if my chest had been smashed in. Everything was becoming a blur around me as I tried to stand up. Was this some terrible nightmare? Oh fuck what was this? I stood up with tears streaming down my face and glared at him, anger filling up every corner of my body. And then I pointed my wand at him.

'Sectumsempra!' but he blocked the spell and I tried again only to have him block it again.

'Stop that! I told you to trust me! _Leave_!' he demanded and his face was contorted with frustration. His eyes were wet. 'Potter leave. I am asking you nicely.'

I focused on him, mustering up all my energy and attention and then I attempted to try the spell again this time using my mind.

'No!' he shouted. And I was thrown back, landing hard on my back, my eyes watering more from the excruciating pain.

Moaning, I struggled to breathe and then he was standing over me. My hands desperately tried to seek out my wand which had to be somewhere nearby.

'No more spells', he said and kicked something away. That had to be my wand. 'I told you to trust me, to listen to me, and you did not comply so I had no choice but to hurt you. I told you time and time again, Potter, if you interfere with me when I do not desire it, I shall make you regret it.'

'How dare you!' I demanded, 'you fucking murderer! You coward and you liar! You killed him! You lied to me!'

'I never lied!' he shouted with his eye icy. 'Do not dare call me a coward! You are not aware of what my life is like so don't you dare!'

I thought in my mind 'Levicorpus' but he blocked it. 'You dare use my own spells against me, Potter?'

What? Huh? I was seeing stars now.

'That's right. I am the Half Blood Prince', he said coldly, his eyes dark and his face contorted in rage. 'It is my book you had. I made up those spells when I was younger than you were. Don't be like your goddamn father and try to use my spells against me.'

'Oh right and I am Voldemort's son', I snapped and couldn't say more because I was finding it harder to breathe now.

'One day you will learn, Potter', he warned, 'remember everything I told you and if you're smart enough, you will gather what everything means. Goodbye.'

And he was walking away from me. I was lying there in pain and Snape was again walking away from me. I swear that I wished that he'd drop down dead right there and then. I couldn't really explain how I was feeling because there weren't any words enough to describe it all. But this was shit! After gathering my strength and I knew that he had followed the others to disapparate outside the gates, I got up and limped forward.

**Writer's Note: Alright I know this was too much to digest but you're welcome to ask questions because I really think I confused myself at certain times! Honestly. Please review this chapter because I did put my all into this one and I desire to know how it turned out. If I made any mistakes, I am sorry. I didn't expect to redo the scenes the exact way as in the books or movies. However, to add my flare to it, I did such. I just wanted you to see a bit further, see things differently for a change...you know, what if that happened? Lol. Delusional but kind of scary eh?**

**REVIEW REVIEW!**


	11. Chapter 11

*Alright so here's another chapter soon enough. I'd like to thank you for your reviews. Such kind words encourage me to write more. And I will have to say that I used bits from the book word for word. I have also edited bits as well to suit my plot. Hope you enjoy it. For Aline, I understand that you wanted more action between Snape and Harry and I promise you that you will get that soon. Please understand that love isn't always easy for many people. It's a tedious thing, kind of like a journey that might end happy. And like I said before, after the rain there's a rainbow*

oOoOoOo

**(Harry)**

*On the hunt to find the Horocruxes*

After Dumbledore's death, everything collapsed around me: my trust in people, my strength and worst of all, I had put up barriers just to prevent people from actually getting into my heart. And even though I was aware that Hermione and Ron were on my side, I just couldn't quite get around to relating to them everything that happened. Of course, Hermione pestered me at every opportunity she could get about what occurred between Snape and I. She even went further as to ask me if he was acting unusually weird the last time I had seen him before he killed Dumbledore. But my answer was that I wasn't sure of anything. I was speechless on the matter and even the mention of his name threatened to rip me apart, from my heart outwards.

We were on the run already and as I held flashlight in front of me, my eyes briefly scanning that day's Daily Prophet, I couldn't help but read the articles that were written about Dumbledore and I. Everyone was accusing me of killing him. Noone except me, Snape and the other Death Eaters, Malfoy added to them, had any clue as to what had occurred. I hoped that Snape was seeing all these articles. I hope he was seeing how he had placed me in the sauce: having people place the blame on me for his actions. Oh how I wanted to see him right now. Instead of longing for him intimately, I longed to fucking wring his neck.

I don't believe that you'd want to know more about our hunt and such for the Horocruxes. We had ventured into Bellatrix's vault, stolen the cup and Griphook had escaped with the Gryffindor Sword: one which later proved to be a fake. Such was life for me and the time did fly by so quickly. One minute I was flying on a dragon, escaping out of Gringotts and another time, I nearly got my fucking brains frozen over as I dared to slip into icy waters to retrieve the real Gryffindor Sword from the bottom of a small lake.

And there were many nights when I lay there in the tent thinking about Snape. He had returned to Hogwarts and was the new Headmaster. How grand he must have been feeling to return with such honour, I thought as I once again gazed at his picture on the cover of the Daily Prophet. And my finger on its own accord reached out to caress the page where he stood staring out at me, his dark eyes registering anything but warmth and love. This wasn't the Snape I knew. Fuck that, I thought I knew another side of Snape but in reality, I didn't know him at all.

'Harry', Hermione's voice said softly near my ear and I glanced sideways to see her stooping there, staring at the page as well. 'Don't torment yourself like that. He's not worth it.'

Sighing, I pinched the bridge of my spectacles and slid them off then placed them on the chair beside the bed. Folding the newspaper, I turned on my side to face her, my eyes moist with tears.

'It's easy for you to say', I said. 'You never knew the Snape I knew.'

'Tell me about that Snape', she asked instead of asking me about what he had last said to me. I found relief in that. 'What was he like?'

'He was very loving and warm', I said without even taking time to think about it. 'Our feelings for each other just switched from hatred to me loving him and I never even knew how it happened unto today. Then he was asking me to leave him alone whilst I wanted nothing more than to be with him. And then...' I trailed off because it was too much to think of.

'And then...?'

'It was over', I said blandly. 'One sided love never lasts.'

'I don't think that it was one sided', she said sadly. 'I think he loved you. Any reasonable person would and he did seem to have changed his attitude towards you. Maybe you were just not giving in to being paranoid. Maybe what you really were missing out was the fact that he loved you back too.'

'Well you're not the first to suggest that', I said closing my eyes, 'but it's kind of stupid to imagine. Anyway, it's over now. Next time I see him, I'll only feel hate.'

'You know that's not true, Harry', she said reaching out to brush my hair from my forehead. 'Things will work out soon enough. I just have a feeling they will and even if things don't go right between you and him, there's always the thought of a new beginning.'

'Well rebound is a bitch', I said because I believed that I was going through some sort of rebound. Trying to get over Snape wasn't an easy task after all and I had always suspected that.

Ron snored loudly from the other bed and we were instantly silenced. If it was one thing, I didn't want Ron to find out about me and Snape. It seemed alright with Hermione knowing about it but for Ron to know...let's just say that he'd know in time.

I was left to sleep with her assuring me that Snape probably was feeling the same way I was also. And when I closed my eyes and drifted off, I did dream of him. I saw him coming towards me and as I began to stride towards him, anger welling up inside of me, he began to drift away. He appeared almost ghostlike as he stood before me and the distance between us seemed like miles. In reality, we were miles apart even when we were close to each other because my feelings were never returned or at least he never told me that he loved me. And that confusion that resulted from him not saying anything like that to me only placed me in a hellhole.

So we travelled this place and that and braving all odds, we ended up inside Hogwarts with the aid of Aberforth Dumbledore and that damned secret passageway. I must admit that as I went about seeking Horocruxes and so on, I wondered if I'd ever come face to face with Snape again. I believed I did have to eventually but what I had no idea of was what would happen between us.

And so as we were inside the castle, another problem presented itself. It seemed as if Ginny was as anxious to see me as anyone else. I was greeted with a huge hug and a wet kiss on my lips, leaving Ron shaking in anger since she didn't give him the same treatment. She looked beautiful. I just couldn't deny her that much of a compliment even if I was in love with someone else. What I had to realise is that Ginny had my heart first. She had always loved me before and never before had she said that she'd give up on me. The thing was, I didn't believe that I'd ever have to give up on her as well. And look what was happening.

'Harry!' she cried as she ran towards me, 'I missed you terribly!'

'Ginny', was all I said as she buried her face into my neck. Memories of me being with her flooded my mind, forcing me to relive stolen kisses in dark corners around the school grounds, us making love in her room at the Burrow and her whispering endless sweet love words and wishes to me in the dark.

Pulling away from her, I was also forced to tell Seamus and the others why we had come back. How stupid it sounded to tell them that we needed to find something that belonged to Ravenclaw and yet I knew nothing of where it was or what it was. I wanted to hug Luna when she suggested that it might be the Lost Diadem and so we began to discuss where we should look as Dean alerted the other Order members.

Well Ginny left to check out the outside and when she came back, she brought bad news. It seemed as if Snape knew I had come and he had announced that he wanted an ad hoc meeting in the Great Hall right then. Dreading my decision as the other Order members suggested, I agreed to slip between the other students to proceed to the Hall. I didn't want to do it, honestly speaking because I dreaded seeing _him._ I knew that the time had to come when I would see him again but I didn't want it to come so quickly.

My heart pounded terribly as we marched to the Great Hall and my head was spinning when I went past the doors. Fear itched at my nerves, making me sweat more than ever as I stood there among Ginny and the others facing front. And I dared not try to peek towards the front to get a good look at Snape, in further fear of him discovering me too quickly. I was suddenly reminded of a time once when he had said that I loved to make grand entrances. I was about to make one now.

'Earlier this evening, it was brought to my attention that Harry Potter was sighted in Hogsmeade', his voice announced from somewhere upfront. Honestly, I was shaking. It was one of those times when you had a plan, you knew what you had to do first, but you hadn't a fucking clue as to what was going to happen next.

'If anyone in this castle has any information on Potter's whereabouts', he continued in that low dangerously curt voice of his that still managed to pinch my heart, 'I'd like them to step forward. Now.'

The silence that ensued was too painful for my ear. Now let me tell you exactly how I was feeling as I stood there. My head was feeling too heavy because I was scared, angry and anxious at the same time. With my knees feeling like jelly, I guess you could have a fair enough understanding of how I was standing. My frigging back was hunched, my eyes were threatening to burn like fire out of me being terribly overly stressed. And my heart? It was racing like a horse along the track, clapping almost too fast inside my chest. I was feeling nauseous and heartbroken at the same time as well.

I knew that I had to step forward now. I had to do it. And so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to allow the anger I felt for him to build up. As I stepped forward, I felt dangerously mad at him. I felt no remorse. I felt no pity. I felt...

'Potter.'

'It's Harry Potter!'

'Harry!'

'Dear God it's him!'

'What the hell is he doing here?'

The voices all around rushed in to me, closing around me like a buzzing wall of electricity. But I strode forward.

'It seems as if you have a bit of a security problem, Professor', I said coldly as I came to face him.

I couldn't freeze up. I just couldn't. Not now. Look at him. Look at his hair, those eyes and his shocked expression. Oh shit! I can't do this. I just can't.

**He killed Dumbledore and because of him, people now believe that you were the one to kill him. He never told you anything about what he did and why he did it. If you ask me, Snape never even was truthful to you. He's a cold blooded killer and he wants to kill you right there and then.**

'How _dare_ you stand where he stood, Snape?' I snarled as the anger seeped up and filled my head. 'How dare you even stand there and call yourself Headmaster? You think you can take his place?'

Snape stared back at me, his dark eyes wide and his face ashen from fear or anger I didn't know.

_HARRY_

His voice sounded almost as if he had spoken clearly to me and I had to look hard enough to check for myself. He hadn't spoken so it had to be him thinking that and was trying to communicate with me silently. He could do that? I didn't want to hear what Snape had to say because it would be something that I'd obviously regret listening to. So I closed my mind, trying as hard as I could and continued to glare at him.

'Tell them what you did that night', I demanded of him. 'Tell them how you looked him in the eyes, a man who trusted you, and you _killed_ him. Tell them!'

STOP THIS, HARRY. PLEASE. YOU –

'I don't want to listen to your excuses because I am fed up with them', I said blocking out his words in my head. 'You're a coward and always will be because of what you did to me, to Dumbledore and to everyone else. You don't_ deserve_ to stand there because you were _never_ on my side. It was always Voldemort you were supporting. Dumbledore was just fooled by you and your words. Step down, coward and don't force me to make you.'

I'M SORRY.

Those were his last words to me before McGonagall stepped in to duel with him. And then he was gone. He was gone like the wind and I was left standing there in a whirl of confusion because instantly the war had begun.

**(Snape)**

I stood in the Forbidden Forest with my back against a tree, tears welling up in my eyes. Dear God he had come back. Harry had braved all odds to break into the castle even though there was the belief that I as well as the Carrows and the other Death Eaters were after him. And he had come forward to face me, demanding that I speak the truth in front of everyone. He had become so brave less than a year. But then again, he had always been brave.

'Oh God', I said pressing my fingers to my stinging eyes. 'Oh fuck. What did I do?'

Harry hadn't the slightest idea of what the truth entailed and naturally, I was to be blamed for more things beyond my doing. I had to be sorrowfully blamed for Dumbledore's death, invading the Headmaster's post, having Hogwarts on lockdown and I had come that close to duelling the young man whom I still utterly loved and adored. I still loved him dearly. Merlin's beard if only he knew how much I regretted doing what I did. If he only knew that I desired so much to relate the truth to him. But I couldn't.

It wasn't my fucking fault that that greying asshole had raised the boy up like a pig for slaughter. I had promised to risk my life to look after Harry and Dumbledore had take more than enough from me. He had made me gave into swearing on my life that I would protect the boy and what was the result of it all? Harry was to die. He was to fucking die and leave me to die inside after loving him for so long. And so it dawned on me that the time was drawing near to his death and I was to be left with nothing but a memory of him. His tempting green eyes that could drown a man like me every time I locked eyes with him, his dishevelled black hair that I adored, his fine face and well accomplished body that always would dare me to touch him.

'_I know you are preparing to fight. Your efforts are futile.' _Wincing, I closed my eyes and felt myself become nauseous as Voldemort related his warnings to us all._ '_

_You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I have great respect for the teachers at Hogwarts. I do not want to spill magical blood. Give me Harry Potter and none shall be harmed. Give me Harry Potter and I shall leave the school untouched. Give me Harry Potter and you should be rewarded. You have until midnight.'_

And Harry Potter will have to surrender in time, I thought as my eyes wavered to the castle and imagined where he was and what he was doing. He would have to give himself up to be butchered in simple terms, having done nothing wrong in his life to deserve any of it. None of us deserved this. All I desired was a peaceful life that entailed me attempting to do what I wanted. And all I wanted of Harry was for him to be alive and well, for him to live his life like a normal young man should. This was it. This is where it began.

He'd have to find the other Horocruxes and destroy them fast. I knew enough about that for I wasn't as uninformed as Dumbledore wished me to be. Voldemort had boasted about his accomplishments to me, after I was his desired favourite. Of course, the puzzling detail was why was Harry to die in the end? Why had I been performing these tasks all this time? Had Dumbledore concocted a most brilliant plan to save us all? I had placed all my trust and hopes in that man and I swear to God that he had to have planned up something desirable. He couldn't just allow Harry to die could he?

And then I remembered what I had planned to do. Taking the flask from out of my breast pocket, I lifted it and peered at the murky green contents inside. It was Polyjuice Potion. I had managed to pry a few hairs off a sixth year student by the name of Jack Finnigan when he had been disrespectful to me. Let's not indulge on further details about how I managed such a thing shall we? However, my plan was as such and you shall find out soon enough.

After I drank the contents, my body was transformed into a speckled face brown hair boy. I had retained my exact height for he was as tall as I was and so slipping my hands into my pocket, I slid out the brown framed spectacles I had then I put them on. Then I took out the school robes that I had stolen and I slipped into them. The feel of them on me instantly brought back memories for I had worn these things years ago. They used to look ghastly on me. Not caring about my appearance, I made my way back to the castle.

**(Harry)**

Everything was in such a rush. My head was so fuzzy that at times I found my hands gripping the banisters almost a little to tighter than usual. I had found out where the lost Diadem was and I was now on my way to the Room of Requirement. But where were Hermione and Ron?

Slipping in the shadows and being fully aware of the thunderous battle going on around me, I was suddenly thrown back into reality mode. Here I was in the castle and it was my entire fault that all of this was going on. Everyone was risking their necks to protect themselves yes, but the primary source of all this destruction was me. Oh how my life was fucked up. Seventeen years of hardship and nothing more than devastated relationships, endless horrors and why...because a stupid idiotic boy had decided that he wanted fame. He wanted to be above average. Stupid Voldemort. You're going to pay for this!

'Harry!'

I spun around to face Hermione and Ron as they came hurrying towards me. They looked devastated as well.

'Did you find it?' Ron asked.

'I know where it is and I'm on my way to get it.'

'Brilliant!' both of them exclaimed. 'We still don't know how to destroy the cup though!'

'I know', Ron said and his spirits dampened. 'Got any ideas, Harry?'

And this boy, I think he was a sixth year, he came up to us with his freckled face creased with worry. I believed that I had seen him a few times around but I never knew of him to wear spectacles! He looked awfully weird; I just couldn't explain why his dark eyes seemed so familiar to me. But even before I could figure it out, he was talking to us in a soft, clipped tone.

'That cup', he said with his dark eyes on it in Hermione's hand. 'I know that cup. It's the Hufflepuff Cup.'

'We already know that you toss pot!' Ron announced. 'What do you want anyway? Get lost.'

The boy's eyes flickered over to Ron, menace in his eyes and then he turned to me. 'Harry, you don't have time. I was told to inform you that you might be able to destroy those things', and he pointed to the Cup, 'with a Basilisk fang.'

Ron and Hermione gaped at him. 'Who were you talking to? How do you –'

'Shut up, Weasley and listen to my advice!' the boy barked. 'You must hurry!'

'Wait', Hermione said all of a sudden, 'I think that's a brilliant idea! Harry, remember how you destroyed Tom Riddle's diary in second year? Maybe the Basilisk fang can destroy any Horocrux!'

'Well what are we waiting for?' Ron asked with his eyes wide, 'we both know where we can find more of them!'

Hermione threw me a glance and she took Ron's hand into hers. They then ran off after promising me that we'd meet back somewhere. I had given them the Marauder's Map to keep track of me. And so I was left with the sixth year standing in front of me. We silently observed each other until he spoke first.

'You look great, Harry', he said trying to smile at me.

'Thanks.'

'I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. Just remember to remain brave and remember that there are certain persons who are always on your side, even when you believe them to not be.'

'Thanks a lot', I said quite confused at his out of the blues advice. 'What's your name again?'

He stared back at me. 'Doesn't matter.' And the strangest thing happened. His lips were quivering in way almost like when one was nervous or wanted to cry. I didn't understand any of it so wishing to end the conversation, I glanced around.

'Alright, thanks for the advice. You stay safe too. I have to run along now. Bye then.'

The strange guy who I was honestly beginning to believe was gay and had a crush on me stepped forward. He threw his arms around me and I was being hugged by someone I didn't even really know.

'I love you, Harry', he whispered into my right ear sending chills down my spine. 'You know who I am.'

'Snape?' I asked pushing him back and I stared into his eyes. 'What the...?'

But we were both thrown apart as a dresser came whirling towards us, and before I knew it, he was lost in the crowd and I was left with my mind in confusion.

**(Snape)**

I should have done more you might say. I should have told him about Voldemort and the Nagini and given him my memories then but that wasn't the plan Dumbledore and I had worked out. The time had to be precise. It had to be when the snake was clinging closer to the Dark Lord. And I didn't want to slip up somehow and ruin everything even though I at times still wondered why I even continued to follow that greying loot.

So I ventured forth, my wand in hand and before I knew it, I was aiding Remus alongside Tonks in defending Hogwarts. How long I could remain in there close to Harry was something unpredictable for me. And then my hands were full because my fellow Death Eaters were storming in from everywhere. How grand it felt to actually send them whizzing back out from where they came from. And I could have sworn that I did hit Lucius in the chest with a full fledged stunning spell.

'Good one, Jack', Remus shouted clapping me on the back and I scowled with my back facing him. 'Wish we could work one of those on Snape, the murderer.'

Those words hit me like a slap across my face. And as I stood there gazing out the window and unto the castle grounds, I realised one thing. I would have to relate the truth someday but the end result would be that I murdered Dumbledore. Even if he had asked me to there was no proof but my memories and I wasn't prepared to show anyone those willingly. I had never murdered anyone before. Oh no, don't believe that I did such a thing.

At times when I was faced with such a situation when I was in Death Eater mode, the simplest thing I would do is stun the person using my famous mind concentration. I had not to utter the spell at all so if any of my fellow Death Eaters were nearby, they wouldn't have the slightest clue as to what I had done. And so I continued to aid in fighting, in the end resolving to siding with Harry Potter and his defence. Noone knew who I was and no one suspected a thing, even though the Dark Mark was clearly visible on my arm. At times when I lifted my left hand, my sleeve slipped down and so I was forced to keep that arm glued to my side.

'I wonder where Harry is?' Tonks asked from behind me. 'I hope he's doing what he has to do.'

'Harry will do what he has to do', Remus assured her. 'I have placed all my trust in the boy.'

'I have too', Tonks said with her wand at the ready. Her hair was sea green today. 'Oh how I want to meet Snape right now! I'd rip him to pieces.'

Turning to face the stairs, I sidled towards them, feeling quite inferior in Jack Finnigan's tall wiry body.

**(Harry)**

Time flew by almost too fast. And the next thing I knew, we had destroyed the Diadem, I had saved Malfoy's ass and we were now heading to the Shrieking Shack where I believed Voldemort was. We had to get to the snake because I knew she had to be the last Horocrux. And so we ran with me leading and Ron tailing us at the back, our wands outstretched.

What I had seen in my vision was Voldemort asking for Snape and he had seemed angry. I feared what he wanted with Snape and instantly, I had forgotten all about what he had done. I had forgotten that he had killed Dumbledore and I had forgotten our arguments and so on. What I did remember as we stooped outside that room listening to him speak to Voldemort, was how much I still loved Severus Snape. I loved him terribly, without fear and without regret. And I'd always love him no matter what because there was something unique about him.

Now you must be wondering what I felt when I heard Voldemort order Nagini to finish Snape off. Those words were spoken right after the stupid fuck believed that Snape was the owner of the Elder Wand and so he had to kill him. Things were fitting together in my head as he spoke of the wand and it's true owner. Snape had not disarmed Dumbledore who was the owner of the Elder Wand. Draco had.

And so I did the only thing I could think of, I stumbled out from my hiding place under my invisibility cloak just as Nagini's head had risen to strike Snape. And she did bite him

'Imperio!' I whispered as I pointed my wand at her beady eyes became unfocused as she stared into Snape's eyes. I then made her jerk forward as if she was attacking him and then when she had done so three times, I felt relief as Voldemort disapparated with her alongside him.

Throwing off the cloak, I crawled towards Snape who was lying on the floor with his back against the wall. He had been bitten once and that could be enough to kill him in time. However, I didn't know much about snake venom especially Nagini's.

'Snape', I said and I raised my hand to caress his cheek caked with grime.

'Harry', he whispered staring into my eyes, his dark ones watering from pain. 'I have –'

'You wouldn't die', I said, my voice strained. 'You just have to –'

And Hermione was at my side, pulling his cloak aside and she began to unbutton his shirt. All the while I kept my eyes on his, trying to find some small truth within his mind. And he did speak to me using his mind.

_I DIDN'T DESIRE TO KILL HIM, HARRY. HE ASKED THAT OF ME._

'It's a deep bite', Hermione said wincing as she pulled away her shirt and Snape's chest was revealed. 'He has to get this looked after, Harry. He may have a chance.'

'What can we do?' I asked desperately, my head pounding. 'We have to help him, Hermione.'

_YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE. _I thought and I watched as his dark eyes watered. _I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU DIE, SNAPE._

'We need to get someone to tend to him.'

'We passed Madam Pompfrey on our way here!' Ron exclaimed and before I could even think of anything further, I sprang up and grabbed his arm.

'Harry', Snape moaned and I spun around immediately. We all watched as he lifted his hand that held his wand. Then he pointed the tip to his right temple and as he moved the tip away, tiny grey illuminated tendrils drifted out in its wake. 'Take these.'

'Do you have a flask...anything?' I asked feverishly as I glanced from Hermione to Ron, my eyes watering.

It was Hermione who slid a vile from her out of her waist pouch and she handed it to me instead of Snape. Bending down, I took it and lifted it up as he extracted tendril after tendril of memories from his temple, slipping them into the glass vile.

'Put them in the Pensieve', he whispered and he was struggling to breathe as I watched him. 'Time...is running out. You must...you must do this now. Go. Leave me, Harry. Don't worry –'

'No!' I shouted, cutting him off. 'I will not leave you to die, Snape. I'll go get help for you.'

And after grabbing the vile from him, I brushed my fingers over his cheeks and lips before I got up. Glancing at Hermione, I felt a tear slip down my own cheek.

_I LOVE YOU, SNAPE. _I SAID USING MY MIND. _SNAPE I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DID OR WHY YOU DID IT. BUT I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. AND YOU WILL SURVIVE. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME, SNAPE. PLEASE._

His dark eyes remained on mine and before I knew he could get the chance to reply to me, some sort of forceful pain rippled through his body making him wince. Even before I could see him struggle to breathe, I grabbed Ron's hand and began to run towards the door.

'Stay with him!' Hermione', I shouted. 'I'll be right back!'

And so we both ran out of the door, pelting towards the castle. And as I went I could only think of Snape. I was supposed to be thinking of finishing Voldemort but I could only think of the man I loved and had loved even when I was terribly angry at him. He had said that he didn't actually kill Dumbledore willingly. Dumbledore had asked him. How crazy was that? Aberforth was right about his brother. The man was a complete lunatic! Why would you ask someone to kill you?

All these questions were buzzing through my brain as we ran and when we managed to find Madam Pompfrey, I sighed with relief. Fear still edged at the corner of my mind as I thought of what she might be able to do. She was a bit hesitant at first when she heard who I was asking her to help.

'Dear God, Snape?' she asked with her eyes wide. 'Why on earth would I –'

'Because he didn't kill Dumbledore', I shouted and I saw shock in her eyes. 'Someone else did. I was there. I saw who it was.'

'Who –'

'Just please go look after him', I begged of her, my eyes flooding with tears. 'Please do this one thing for me. It will take you away from all of this and you'll be there out of all this mess.'

'For you, Potter', she said taking up her skirts into her hands. And as she ran down the lane, I saw her snap her fingers and her bag appeared in her hand. I only hoped that she could help him. I prayed to God that she could.

'I'll go with Hermione', Ron suggested. 'You –'

'And I'll go do as Snape ordered', I said quickly, fingering the vile in my jeans pocket. 'See you soon.'

'Right on, Harry', Ron said cheerfully and he pelted off in the same direction which Madam Pompfrey was headed. I figured that Ron didn't want to leave Hermione alone. And somehow, I could see something glowering in their faces. It was as if a little more had happened between them before I could have even gotten time to register. He had kissed her. It had to be that.

I watched him go for a few seconds, then turning to the entrance I made my way towards the only place where I could find a Pensieve, and that was Dumbledore's office.

**Writer's Note: This chapter was short for many reasons. One was that I wanted to just get you to read some more before you got discouraged with my story. Another was that I want to hear from you guys. I want to know if you like what you have read so far. The end is coming up soon; maybe four more chapters and then I shall close my eyes and see the light...hhahahaha just kidding! Lol. Tell me what you think!**


	12. Chapter 12

*Hello there again. Great to see you back so soon! Lol. It is my pleasure to see you once more. And might I just add that after this sequel is finished, I shall be working on another sequel with Snape/Lily then I shall return to another sequel with Snape/Harry. I do hope you're still with me then. If you're not then I hope you enjoyed this story so far!*

(xx) – indicates beginning and end of memories.

**(Snape)**

The pain was worse than the bite and as I lay there with my eyes closed, all I could think about was the love of my life: Harry. He had pushed aside all doubts about me without even sparing a second. And he had willingly allowed me the benefit of the doubt. Harry had instantly given me a chance, loving me purely as if I had done nothing and as if it was just yesterday that we were sharing most intimate moments at Grimmauld's Place.

Tears came to my eyes, stinging in their wake and I had to open my eyes to let them flow on. As they trailed down my cheek, I observed Ms. Granger who was sitting stooped on the floor beside me, her face creased with concern.

'Professor', she whispered when her eyes registered me stirring. 'Professor, someone will come to help you: just rest.'

'Harry', I moaned as the wave of nausea stirred inside my chest.

She looked at me, her brown eyes frightfully fearful. 'He's gone to get help.'

I didn't desire that of him. What came foremost was of him to get to the Pensieve to see my memories fast. It had to happen quickly for time was of the essence. And I knew that what I had observed was a correct estimation of Dumbledore's prediction. This was the time he had spoken of when Nagini appeared almost too close to the Dark Lord. The snake had been practically slithering around almost too close to him when he had accused me of lying to him. Little did he know that I wasn't the one to disarm Dumbledore. It was Draco.

'Harry, he really loves you', Granger was saying to me and my attention wavered to focus on her words. 'He really, really adores you Snape. Trust me; I have seen how his feeling for you has affected him. There hadn't been a night when we were on the move when he didn't cry before falling asleep over you.' And she held unto my hand, her eyes brimming with tears. 'If Harry can find it in him to love you so much, then anyone else can too, even I can.'

I felt as if my throat was closing up, my wind pipe was becoming too constricted from the poison or something else I didn't know. Maybe it was the very thought of Harry speaking good of me to her that made me feel this way. It was then that I really took time to consider my effect on him for before it had just been a boy loving me more than he should have. Now he had changed my thoughts completely after what he had done just minutes before when he bypassed all doubts to love me above everything else. This was no childish liking on his part. It was one that entailed sincerest love and trust.

The pain in his eyes that glimmered there when he demanded fiercely through his thoughts that I wait on him had held me in a trance. And now I could still see the rushes of compassion that had been exposed to me as he allowed himself to become vulnerable beneath my gaze. I had seen how strong his love held on for me and that had made me weaken inside. Yet it had strengthened me because I knew that I couldn't allow myself to slip away from here. I had to live to see him again. I just had to.

'I love...him', I managed to whisper, 'so much.'

'I know you do. I can see it in your eyes, Professor', and she brushed her fingers over my forehead, removing my hair. 'Just hold on and don't let go. He wants you to.'

And I did.

I did until there was the shuffling of footsteps from outside and barely looking up, my vision blurred, I observed a woman bending over me.

'Oh dear.' It was Madam Pompfrey and that was as much as I could have gathered for seconds after, my consciousness was stolen away as I fought for air. I was taken into a silent world; my last thoughts were of the boy with the scar who had managed to have my heart with him unto that minute.

**(Harry)**

The very first memories shocked me terribly after I saw that Snape had loved my mother. That sort of love that he had for her was something so pure and natural that it brought tears to my eyes. And after seeing how my father did treat him, I was left to think that he was a loser in school. He had even refused to allow my mother to invite Snape to their wedding just because Snape was a Death Eater. My mother had broken down crying, demanding that the man was her best friend and she needed him there with here. James Potter wanted to hear nothing of it.

And then there were the memories of the prophecy and him relating it to Voldemort. I watched in horror as he went to Dumbledore for help, pleading for him to protect my mother. But he had not asked for him to protect me. Then after witnessing Dumbledore trying to console a distraught Snape, a younger version of the man I had grown to love, I was thrown into not so long ago when he had first set eyes on me. Those piercing eyes trying to penetrate my soul as I stood there waiting to be sorted.

_Lazy, Ignorant, Conceited...he's just like his father. He always seeks the opportunity to get into trouble._

And then the memory changed showing Snape standing in front of Lucius, his eyes wide with fear.

**xx**

_'I don't know what you are implying', Snape said as he stepped back into a house. 'I don't know what you're talking about –'_

_'You love me', Lucius said softly, his eyes dancing with menace. 'I always figured you were a bit queer. You want me.'_

_'I don't know-' Snape's words were silenced as Lucius rushed over and crushed his lips on him, his hands entangling into Snape's hair. 'Lucius...'_

**xx**

The scenes changed as Lucius forced himself onto Snape or that was what it looked like. And then Snape was sitting on a chair in that same house with his hands on his face. He was crying, shaking as he did and whispering something over and over again. I went forward to hear what it was.

**xx**

_'I'm messed up, I'm not gay, I don't know what happened, I can't do this, I'm messed up, I don't love him, he hurts me...'_

**xx**

The scene changed and what I saw made me jealous almost completely. Snape and Lucius were sitting on a deck overlooking an ocean, probably somewhere in the far west. And they were both laughing. Snape had his hands in Lucius' blond hair as he leant over to lock him in a kiss. Malfoy seemed almost too unreal for he looked quite relaxed and happy. Something was dancing in his eyes as he allowed himself to be petted by Snape.

And then we were back in a room of some sort, the draperies pulled close as Lucius made love to Snape.

**xx**

_'You're...hurting me', Snape moaned. 'Stop...please.'_

_'Relax', Lucius pleaded as he ripped open Snape's jeans, then in a flash he was making love to Snape but it wasn't really love. There was extreme pain and it was obvious on Snape's face that he wanted nothing more than for Lucius to stop. 'Nothing is easy', Lucius declared. 'Love isn't easy, Severus.'_

_'Stop.'_

_'I can't', Lucius said._

**xx**

And then I was there as Snape argued with Malfoy.

**xx**

_'I don't want an affair; I don't want to be shared with someone else –'_

_'You're not being shared!' Lucius shouted, 'Narcissa doesn't mean anything to me!'_

_'She's your wife! And this isn't love. Love doesn't hurt this way. That much I know.'_

_'You don't know a thing about love, Severus, admit it. All you have ever known is how it feels to not be loved and that's why you need me. You need me –'_

_'Get out!' Snape shouted pointing to the door. 'I don't ever want to see your fucking face again in here.'_

_'We're not over', Lucius begged, 'please –'_

_'We are over. We were never something. Get out.'_

_Lucius picked up his coat that was the shade of midnight purple from a chair. And after throwing a glance at Snape, he made his way out the house._

**xx**

And I watched as Snape lay in his bed, his eyes red as he cried like I had never seen him do before. He was shaking, his face pale and his hands trembling.

**xx**

_'Why can't I find someone who loves me back the way I do?' he whispered hoarsely. 'I want someone who loves me back without trying, who loves me warmly and sincerely. I don't want it to hurt when we're together. I want someone who desires me without thinking of loving me painfully. Is that all to ask?'_

**xx**

Then in a flash I was standing in Grimmauld's Place. There Snape stood among Tonks, Sirius and Lupin and then he quickly glanced up and I did as well only to see myself standing two landings above where we stood. I was chatting with Ron about something that I couldn't exactly remember. And then he cast his eyes down again only to look back up almost in a flash. It was then that my eyes had met with his and the weird thing was, from below by his side, I could see his eyelashes flutter as he blinked several times too many. He flexed his fingers as well and then after holding his gaze with mine, Snape looked away. It was as if some wave of emotion had rushed over him.

That was the exact moment when we had fallen in love with each other and it wasn't me alone. Snape had fallen for me too just then.

**xx**

_'So you're going to leave my question hanging then?'_

_'What question was that again?'_

_'Are you gay?' I asked._

I watched now as we stood facing each other and of course I remembered this exact memory. I was now though that I scrutinised his face, his expression to try to see if I could see something more. I only saw him hold his gaze then he stepped back.

_'Goodbye, Potter', and then he disapparated._

**xx**

And now I was sitting across from him, my hands resting on the table before me as he sat opposite. Snape was observing me from the other side as I spoke, his face calm and nothing like the Snape I had known prior to that.

xx

_'I care about you', I said._

_'I am quite flattered that you do care for me, Potter. Thank you very much. That is an addition of one to the very few of my admirers.'_

_'Is Malfoy's father one of your admirers?'_

_'Harry, please don't do this to me.'_

**xx**

And from here now, as my head had been bent when I sat there that day, I had missed the look on Snape's face. His complexion turned from looking almost healthy to a shade of pasty white. And then the scene that followed that was extremely sad for me as I watched myself stand behind him. I could see his face now that I couldn't see before. And tears came to my eyes when I noted how he closed his eyes briefly, his lips slightly parted as he felt me behind him. I went forward only to see Snape's fingers flex as he probably had wanted to reach back to touch me as well.

Stupid me! All the signs were there since that day that he had loved me. He had always felt the same way for me as I had been feeling for him. And I was so stupid to not notice it. The thing is I was afraid of becoming too paranoid over it all, so I had forced myself to not believe that he had feelings for me. You know how you'd feel when you thought something was too good to be true so you forced yourself to brush it off? That was what I did because with how I was feeling, I didn't believe that Snape had been in it too. It was all on me, and I was the only one being so stupid and clumsy at allowing my feelings to get the most out of me.

Then there were the memories of him prying into my mind, having a look at my most personal memories. And then I was storming out the door. I watched when I left how he sank to the floor and cried and at that moment, my hands flew up to my face as I couldn't control it all. I felt completely distraught over what I had done to him.

And now I was standing in Dumbledore's office as Snape glared back at him standing behind the desk.

**xx**

_'Dearest Merlin, a Death Eater has fallen in love with Harry Potter. Shall I continue?' 'Go on.'_

_'A Death Eater who happens to be his teacher, who constantly laments on his arrogance and conceited behaviour: one of your least favourite students. I shall use the phrase those hippies use on television and say that 'you have gotten yourself in a bit of a fix'. It has to stop now.'_

_'I know it has to stop', Snape said. 'It isn't that easy –'_

_'And you should have known that before you allowed that to happen, Severus'. It is principle here that a teacher cannot be with a student. I'm surprised that you'd allow your feelings to wander off so freely.'_

_'You think it's easy to control your feelings when it comes to love?' Snape asked angrily. 'You sit there and tell me that I should have done better? Do you even know what shit I'm in right now? I don't know how it even happened!'_

_'Well make it stop now', Dumbledore said calmly and he yawned. 'Love is for the young and free spirited and dear Severus, you are by all means anything but free spirited. I don't want to lose a most treasured Professor at Hogwarts.'_

_'You can't fire me', Snape said with a shocked look on his face, 'I'm your spy. That would be ludicrous –'_

_'You are most indeed correct. I cannot fire you. But what I can do is make you give up your post as teacher of Potions and just keep you under my wing here...under disguise.'_

_'I'm sorry, Severus but that is the way it will have to be if you don't put a stop to it. I cannot allow one of my Professors to be with a student. If Voldemort knew of this, you'd be dealt with accordingly. Harry would be in grave danger and everything we've fought for, planned and worked for would crumble. And that would be just because of love.'_

_'What am I to do then?' _

_'Make a choice, Severus. It is either Harry or your job. You either choose to be with Harry and jeopardise all I've been doing for him, to protect him just like you wanted or you can forgo your feelings for him and keep your job as being his protector and our spy.'_

_'I shall get back to my job', Snape said and Dumbledore nodded then smiled._

_'I know you were sensible enough, Severus. You can love him but just control it. When all this is over, you'll be free to shower whoever you want with love.'_

_'If I'm alive and Harry still is', Snape muttered and turned around then walked out the door._

**xx**

Even before I could sink to the floor because my knees had become jelly like, the scene changed. I was left thinking of Dumbledore's words, how Snape had admitted that he loved me. The other memories were all about me. The time when I had tried to move around him as he stood blocking my way in class, the when I had made him touch me in Grimmauld's Place, the visit Lupin paid him and what he said...everything was there for me to see. And then came the time when Dumbledore explained as much as he could have told Snape about what happened the night when Voldemort killed my mother.

And I just had to relive that one last time when he had kissed me roughly. I couldn't feel how it felt then as I relived the memory but my lips still tingled as I watched. He had wanted me so bad that it had pained him to not be able to have me there and then. It all made sense now and I could see it in a different light all of a sudden. And I had been upsetting his life all this time. It was me who he cared about so much and when I saw what Lucius did with my letter, I became so angry. I watched the parchment being thrown into the flames only to see it disappear with a pop as Snape stared after it. My eyes moved to his hand in his pocket as they probably closed around the letter containing my feelings for him. He had saved it.

I couldn't breathe properly without him. After seeing all of this I couldn't take it anymore.

And that one last kiss that he gave me before he killed Dumbledore. It all made sense now because he knew that he wouldn't be seeing me for a long time after. Fuck, he didn't even know if he would see me again after that.

After it all, I stood over the Pensieve with my cheeks wet with tears of anguish and fear. I had to give myself in to die. If I had known this before, I would have taken every opportunity I had to show Snape how I loved him. I would have dedicated every minute spent with him to shower him with all my love and tell him exactly how I felt. Now I was to die and Snape probably would die. Or would he survive as I died and went on? It would kill him as much as it was killing me now.

'I loved you so much', I whispered as I sat down on the office floor. 'I loved him soo much and I have to die now.'

'Such is life you know', a man in one of the portraits assured me. 'You can't win all of them.'

Oh God.

Getting up, I braced myself and went forward, ready to face my death.

**Writer's Note: I believe you have reached thus far and you are wondering where is the rest huh? This chapter was so short! But don't worry. The ones to come will make up for those short ones. I hope you're enjoying my story! Please feel free to tell me if you are.**


	13. Chapter 13

***Quote: Sometimes love isn't enough to bring out how much we desire someone. It is when we are put to the test: our relationship, our bond, our trust for that person. It is then that we seek out how deep that love truly runs. And like a river that keeps on flowing, the course which it takes depends on the tide and wind. Such is with love. Our efforts and experiences trust and want determines the course. – Me***

**oOoOo**

(Harry)

*Four years after the defeat of Voldemort*

I was sitting on a stool in a bar somewhere in Hogsmeade holding a beer in my right hand. As I sipped, my eyes remained on the television above me that was encased behind steel bars resembling a cage. I don't know but it reminded me of my heart that had been held captive for all those years when I had loved a man who had been a Death Eater. He was a man that had saved my life many times, had risked his for mine and had managed to love me all the same after what he had been through. In short, Severus Snape was a man who unto this day held my heart somehow. And I could not let go.

'How's the wife?' Bill the barman asked me and my eyes turned to him.

'She's alright', I said forcing a smile and I downed yet another beer. I had had three so far. I didn't give a fuck. I was devastated.

'With the rate you're going at, you're not going to wake up tomorrow', Bill assured me and I still called up another beer still, my eyes moving to the television screen where a late broadcast of the news was showing.

That's right. We had our own news program now. It was called the 'Daily News'...just that. And many things had changed since that last time when you heard from me. Would you believe this if I told you? After the defeat of that pale faced flying fuck, I had searched desperately for Snape. Hermione had assured me that Madam Pompfrey had taken him into her own hands and so she and Ron had left her there with him. After that, I never heard about him again. I even asked around, checking every hospital I could get to, writing in to the Daily Prophet to ask if they had heard of him being alive. Nothing.

His name hanged like a dangling rope as it swayed in the wind on an overcast day because I had lost him. The man whom I had loved with all my heart, whom I had promised to love forever and to help him, he was gone. I mean, I felt as if he was gone forever. Where else could he be? Snape would never hide from me after what we had been through, after how I had loved him and he had loved me. But I was left to wonder if he was out there and had given up on me just like I had somehow along the four years given up on searching for him.

Two years after he had disappeared into thin air, I had married Ginny. And it would seem ludicrous to you that I would do such a thing after how I felt for him but I wanted to move on. Even you would agree when I told you that I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling anymore. Nights would go by without me getting any sleep and there were times when I'd become so suicidal that I ended up abusing pain tablets. Two years ago when Ginny came looking for me, she found me lying on my bed, my floor scattered with bottles of Paracetemol, Aspirin, Tylenol...you name it.

I had literally died there thinking about Snape. And with Ron and Hermione's help, she had checked me into St. Mungo's to undergo rehab for my drug abuse. It was torture, complete torture having to stay in there. And at times, I would try to strangle myself or cut myself but I never succeeded in dying. Someone always rescued me just in time. And after a few months, I had strict security by my bed. My arms were tied down and so were my legs. I was fed by hand by one of the nurses.

Then one night I had a dream about Snape. It entailed him passing away but he pleaded with me to move on and find new love. I was nineteen when I came out of the hospital, my feet feeling like rubber as I walked beside Ginny. And she had been there all the way for me. Fuck, she was still here for me even though I had told her that I was contemplating a divorce. I couldn't see her through suffering like that because of me. I had caused her enough misery already.

It would seem as if I had married her just to see if I could get over him. But it didn't work; actually it never ever could work. I would have to live my life in sadness as I anticipated some miraculous day when he'd come looking for me or I'd find him.

And it was two years after that now and what the hell, I was waiting on him to come back into my life. Slipping out an ice cube from out of my beer mug, I held it up towards the light and smiled.

'You're a goner, Potter', Bill assured me and I slid off the stool, and then I reached into my pocket. 'Oh no', he said, 'don't pay for any of it. What you have done for us years ago, we can never ever repay you for it.'

'Nonsense', I said still reaching for my wallet and then I heard a familiar voice behind me. I was in severe trouble.

'Hello Mrs. Potter', Bill said cheerfully and he waved. I didn't have to turn around because I knew who it was.

Ginny took me softly by the hand and began to lead me away and out of the bar. I was sober enough to catch the pitying expression on her face as she threw her hand around my waist and nuzzled her head unto my chest.

'Harry let's go home. You have had enough to drink tonight.'

'Ginny', I said softly, feeling cold sweat draining down my back as we stepped into the street and made our way down the sidewalk, 'I can't do this.'

She lifted her head to look at me and I saw that her wine coloured eyes had become moist from tears. A soft chilly wind whipped down the street and through her red hair making her appear wildly bewildered. However I knew better. She was somehow fighting to remain calm as I would once again lead her into a conversation about how I couldn't get over my feelings for Snape.

'Are the feelings coming back?' she asked softly as her fingers entwined with mine. 'Tell me how you feel.'

I watched as a small wiry boy with choppy blond hair skipped down the pavement and sighed. 'I don't feel worse than before. It's just that I cannot get rid of this pain. It's terrible. I just need to know if he's alive.'

A yellow bulb was flickering outside a beat up hardware store as we passed. And I was suddenly under the impression that Dementors were around. Silly of me, you'd think but that was what was going through my mind.

'And then what?' she asked calmly but I knew her mind was working on the fact that I'd leave her to be with him.

'My mind will be at ease when I find out if he's alive and alright', was all I said. 'It's just edging away at my nerves.'

We walked on in silence, feeling safe in each other's arms yet miles apart. She had always been a best friend to me, just like Hermione and Ron were. But the latter two had gone off on their honeymoon in France for over a month now. And it was just Ginny and I. Of course that wasn't a problem to me because I always welcomed her warmth and love. But something was always missing and even though I didn't want to admit it, I realised that what was missing was obvious.

'So you still want the divorce?' she asked as we passed by a dilapidated house that maybe was a corner from where we were staying, I didn't really know because I was drunk.

I nodded. 'I'm hurting you too much, Ginny.' I envisaged brown eyes moist with tears, shadows under her eyes and her hands trying to lead me into the hospital.

'Harry', she said stopping and I did as well. Holding my hands in hers she frowned. 'It's not that I don't love you. I have always loved you. It's just that I'm afraid that if I let you go: if I let you go without me, you will become worse, do something that might end you up in the wrong place. All I want is for you to be happy. And you have never hurt me, Harry. You only hurt me when I see that you're hurt. God', she said as she turned and started to walk again, 'if you only knew how I've never stopped looking for him as well just for you. I want to see you smile again. I want to see you happy.'

'Ginny thanks', I said as tears came to my eyes. 'You have done so much for me.'

'Don't leave me because you only believe that you're hurting me, Harry', she said nonchalantly. 'I prefer you leave me for some other reason but not that. Give me a solid reason and I will let you go. Don't walk away believing that you have somehow failed me. You have never ever failed me, not even when I found out that it was him who held and still holds your heart and not me.'

I sighed and took deep breaths trying to calm myself. 'I love you Ginny. I really do. And you know that. You're one of the nicest people I know that has stuck with me until now. You've helped me so much that I owe you –'

'You owe me nothing Harry', she said quickly. 'I owe you. Just tell me what you want me to do.'

I looked up as we reached our apartment house and then I ran my fingers through my hair. We had been living here for two years now. And before, I had lived back at Grimmauld's Place until Remus and Sirius began to drive me crazy. They had now a son whose name was Andy who was so full of joy and excitement that the two of them couldn't even handle him. I was made his Godfather last year just days before him arriving at the house. They had chosen to adopt from India.

'I need to find out the truth', I said as we stood there in the dark, me looking up at the moon now that was hidden behind trees. 'It's the only way I can move on.'

(Snape)

'So how has the weather been treating you, Severus?'

I lifted my eyes to look at Minerva as she sat down upon a two cushioned wine coloured sofa. She then reached over to grab the television remote, clicking it off. Her house appeared quite homely to me as my eyes surveyed the interior. In fact, Minerva had managed to finally settle down with a man she had always loved from the time she had entered Hogwarts.

Jonathon Rivers, a greying man with warm blue eyes smiled at me as he chose to exit through the kitchen, leaving us room to talk. He was a Muggle, having met her just before she had traversed the Magical world. And what a kind one he was at that for never before had she ever complained to me about him being judgemental on her being a witch. Instead he had served to become quite considerate and loving. And if he desired to be such to my dearest friend, then I favoured him being around in her life all the same.

'The weather is among the fewest things that I care about these days', I said brushing off a speck of some sort on my black tailored pants. 'How have you been?'

She was pouring out a finger of whiskey for us both into two champagne glasses. 'I've been good. Finally I have managed to settle down with Jonathon in a house all for ourselves. And I can still take up teaching.' She was now a Professor at the new University for Witches and Wizards that the Ministry of Magic had opened.

'How is it at Hogwarts University?' I said softly as I reached out to take the glass from her.

'Everything's fine, actually. Oh enough about me', and she waved a hand in the air. 'What about you? You said when you called that you wished for me to help you in some way? I can assure you that I am willing to aid in whatever way I can. But I must ask of you, what is it?'

I had never allowed anything to slip by about my feelings for Harry over the years. In fact, even though Minerva and I had remained close friends throughout the four years, I hadn't been able to gather up enough courage to relate to her how I felt inside. And it might appear quite ludicrous but I had decided that I needed her to help me locate him.

'Minerva...there is something that I have been withholding from you for a very long time now', I said and I rested my glass on her wooden table before me. 'I believe that it's time to confess.'

'If it's anything about that idiot Lucius, I don't want to hear it.'

'It's not about him', I reassured her. 'It's about someone else.'

She observed me from behind her spectacles and copied my move by resting her glass down as well.

'The person you once told me you loved endlessly? The very one who seemed to be out of bounds for you?' she asked with her eyes widening with concern.

I sighed. 'The very same.'

'Well who is it then?' she asked of me. 'Will you finally tell me who it is because I have been trying to figure out who it is ever since!'

I allowed my eyes to wander to her mantelpiece where she had several artefacts hung up along the edges. One of the items my eyes rested on a little long was a stuffed doll of some sort with a black X as one of the eyes. It appeared to be one of those Voodoo dolls that I had heard of once before. What was she doing with one of those?

'Who is it then?' she asked of me and my eyes quickly snapped back to join hers.

'Promise you wouldn't judge me', I said and she attempted to throw the contents of her glass at me.

'How dare you accuse me of such atrocity, Severus? I have never judged you! Now open up and tell me who this man is.'

'It's Potter', I said softly and chose that time to sip from my glass. And the silence that stretched on felt like one of those moments when you had just uttered something quite out of order and you were awaiting your verdict. 'Go ahead and laugh. I give you permission to.'

'No, but Severus this is serious!' she said coming around to sit beside me and she began to wring her hands as I watched. 'Harry? Harry Potter?'

'Yes', I said still observing her hands as they wrung themselves before me.

'Dear God...since then unto today? It has been what...seven years since you last told me of loving this person that you couldn't have! I remember me clearly joking around saying that if it was Potter then I'd be alarmed. And all the time it was him!'

When I remained silent, she enquired further. 'So are you two...?'

'Minerva', I said as she trailed off, 'I cannot find him. It seemed like such a frivolous thing to say but it was the whole truth.

'You cannot find Potter?' she asked in disbelief. 'I don't understand this. Have you searched for him? Tried to locate him? Merlin's beard it has been four years since the battle! Have you ever seen him since then?'

'I have tried to search for him', I said shifting in my position, 'but to my avail, it seems as if he desires to keep his whereabouts as secretive as possible for every corner I search I am alerted that I am not to be given any information without his agreement.'

She poured more wine for us and took her fluke up to sip. 'Have you tried the Ministry? I last got wind that he was offered several jobs there to become Minister of Magic, Under Secretary and such. He has become an Auror though and spends much time seeking out those other Death Eaters who had gotten away. However, I have been in touch with Hermione Granger and from what I have been told, it seems as if Potter is...well...' and chose to allow her eyes to wander towards the curtains on the window drifting in the wind.

'He's what?' I asked of her.

'Do you want any pastries to eat? I have baked over the weekend. It would seem like these days I adore baking I –'

'He's what, Minerva?' I asked cutting her off, fear edging at my conscience.

She looked around wildly then swallowed. 'He's been married for the last two years, Severus.'

I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me after hearing of such a thing. And after taking deep breaths too many, her hand had grasped mine. I tried to relax but failed to do so because there was this most terrible pain developing within my chest that I couldn't seem to control. It was as if someone had suddenly decided to encase me in thick plaster for the room felt as if everything was pressing in on me.

He was married? Harry Potter had devoted his life to someone else but me? I was speechless as I sat there trying to absorb this news. And even though I deserved to feel otherwise, maybe remorse, I couldn't help but feel completely angered at his actions. And I suddenly came to the conclusion that he probably had never sought me out at all since that night. Maybe he did and had given up. Or maybe he had decided to leave me be, believing that I wanted nothing more to do with him. But that was absurd.

I had promised him that I'd be waiting no matter what. I had made a promise and promises were never something to be let go by me.

'I'm so sorry', Minerva said softly as she squeezed my shoulder. 'But maybe you would still desire to find him? Maybe you can tell him that you still –'

'No', I said stiffening. 'It was in the past. He has moved on. Maybe I should too.'

'Severus listen to me', Minerva said with her eyes brimming with tears. 'Do you love him?'

I rested my sweaty palms upon my pants and rubbed them there. 'It doesn't matter.'

'But that's all that matters!'

'I cannot attempt to get in between him and his wife...whoever she is.'

'Oh no one said that you should do such a thing, Severus', Minerva said quite alarmed. 'All you need to do is to find him and tell him how you feel. Sometimes it takes a weight off of you to just speak about your feelings, even if the result you want is not going to occur.'

I watched the yellow sunlight begin to fade outside the window and I felt hopeless. Here I was in Godric's Hollow feeling desirably foolish because I still loved a young man who had obviously given up on me. It had been but a childish phase, I thought as my visit ended and I was picking up my coat to head home. As I walked along the street with the sunlight dancing in my eyes, tears drained down my cheeks. And once again, Potter had managed to continue to make my life unconsciously painful.

(Harry)

Ginny and I finalised our divorce on the 14th of November that year. And as sad as it might seem, the procedure went about with ease with her remaining my friend and me, well let's just say that I left on my own accord since she didn't want me to leave her just to make her happy. She did continue to help me to find Snape and so did Hermione and Ron when they returned from France. But we found nothing unto then.

It seemed as if Snape had decided to go into hiding to protect himself from something or someone. And to think that that someone was me, it pained terribly.

'Maybe he heard that you got married and just decided to leave you alone', Hermione suggested on a cold night in November.

We were sitting in front of the fire at their house: Ginny, Ron, Hermione and I. And Hermione had just served baked beans with sliced bread. After Ron had devoured a good amount as well as almost an entire loaf of bread, he was now lying stretched out upon the rug beside the fire fast asleep. Last year, I had finally decided to tell him everything about Snape and I. Surprisingly he had not been completely zonked out about it at first. But after a few days, he had become quite angry at me loving someone who had treated me like shit a piece of time. And then I had been in the hospital after becoming addicted to painkillers. Ron had threatened to slap me upside down if I didn't get well soon.

'Yes that's what I was thinking too', Ginny said softly as she still would choose to nuzzle up against my chest. 'Maybe he heard and believed that the best thing to do is to let you go. Or maybe', and she sat up to look at me, 'maybe he's married as well.'

'Ginny don't', Hermione warned as she saw me grimace. 'I don't think that's a nice thought. '

'I probably wasn't a nice thought to hear that Harry was married to me as well', Ginny said, stretching her feet out and flexing her toes. 'I mean, I hated the whole idea of us being divorced after two years of marriage but I just want you happy and if you want to link up with him again, I guess I'll have to go with that.'

Hermione and I both remained silent on this one.

And then Hermione's eyebrows shot up, her brown eyes wide. 'Oh my God! How could I be so stupid?' She got up and began to pace the living room, her head bent. 'I saw him last week!'

'You what?' both Ginny and I asked.

'I saw him at the Land Court in London when Ron and I were there to deal with our transport. You know, we had to work the papers out so that we could move here from mid London and so I had to fill up the forms and –'

'Hermione!' I shouted silencing her and then she grimaced, wringing her hands.

'That's it though. I just got a glimpse of him standing at the counter and then he was gone. He saw me though and I waved but then I was so excited with getting the papers to move in here that I forgot.'

'How could you forget such a thing like that?' Ginny asked flabbergasted. 'Hermione we have been searching for him for ages and you saw him and let him slip through your fingers. What the fuck?'

'Look', Hermione said as Ron stirred on the floor, 'I forgot –'

'You...YOU!' and Ginny got up fuming, her, 'you forgot? She forgot, Harry. Did you hear that? She fucking forgot. Had it been a book you would have memorised it by heart!'

'Don't start on me!' Hermione shouted. 'I want to help too!'

'Oh how you have helped so much!'

'Stop it!' I shouted and I reached up to grab my hair with my hands out of frustration. 'It was just a mistake. Don't worry at least you saw him and we know that he's alive. Now I just have to find him.' And I got up then walked to the window. 'Dear God, he's alive. I have to find him.'

'Where will we look now?' Hermione asked avoiding Ginny's cold stare. 'We have searched everywhere.'

'But that's it', I said turning to them. 'We have searched and asked about but never have I ever left a message telling whoever that if they saw him that they should tell him that I was looking for him.'

And so we began to go over this area and that, talking to people about Snape. And the furthest we got was with an old lady living in Godric's Hollow who said that she had seen him around several times.

'Oh he's a fine fellow', she said leaning on her walking stick as she stood in the street, the snow lightly falling upon us. 'I see him regularly in that bar over there.' And she pointed. 'Goes in once or twice, of course I never drink but I like to have a talk with good old Mary the bartender.'

'So you've seen him?' I asked just trying to be sure of it. 'When was the last time you saw him?'

She looked up to the sky thinking then smiled. 'Just last night in the bar actually.'

'Well if you see can you please tell him that Harry Potter is looking for him and it's urgent that he gets into contact with me? I need to see him and –'

'Just please tell him that Harry Potter is looking for him', Ginny said cutting me off. 'And would you be kind enough to give him this number?' She handed a bit of paper to the old lady called Mrs. Johnson who was beaming up at me: the general reaction when someone of the magical world realised that I was still alive.

'I might lose this', she said taking the paper.

'Well just tell him please that Harry is looking for him and he'll do what he has to do. '

Sad as it would seem, I ended up booking a room at an inn called Gregory's Inn about two corners away from that bar that Snape was spotted in. And after spending the night there, I ended up spending the entire week. The room overlooked the street below that people called Main Street and at nights when I wasn't busy traversing the streets, I spent time gazing down below, trying to see if he would pass by. He never did or at least he might have passed but I couldn't tell. And I wondered if he had changed as much as I did from the last time I had seen him.

My face had changed a bit with me now having that dark tinge along my cheeks and jaw where my beard was supposed to be. And I had somehow gotten a bit taller. My arms were not skinny especially my upper arm which had thickened with muscle and my chest had managed to broaden on its own accord as well. I was no longer the skinny arm and pimpled boy I had been. And I wondered if he was still the pale skinned, dark haired man I had knew.

Had he grown out his hair or had he decided to cut it shorter? And if he had done that, did his hairstyle accompany a face lined with wrinkles from age? Oh how I longed to see him.

And so every night since that first night when Mrs. Johnson had told me of him being sighted in that bar, I had gone there. I honestly had my hopes up. The eagerness in wanting to see him was so great that I was beginning to grow nervous if the event happened. And having selected a table to the far back of the bar called 'Members Only', I ordered a cup of Cappuccino and drank slowly. No alcohol for me tonight.

He never showed.

(Snape)

It had been years since I revisited Grimmauld's Place and I believed that I still wasn't welcomed there even after Voldemort was dead. However, having anticipated the sight of Harry being there, I favoured such a decision with high hopes. And as I stood on the doorstep with my eyes resting on the brass snake knocker, nervousness suddenly engulfed me. It was because I was unsure of what he would make of me arriving here suddenly after four years. Added to that fact, I feared that he might have not wanted to see me again.

Dear God he was married!

There was the shuffling of feet behind the door as I waited on the doorstep. And I absentmindedly toed the gravel with my right shoe. It had to be Black and I wasn't in any mood to be forcefully involved in a scuffle. Hopefully Remus was there to knock some amount of sense into Black's head.

The door opened and light brown eyes peeked out. It was Remus.

'Severus?' he asked, brown eyes wide from surprise. 'Dear God.' And he pulled opened the door, walking forward quickly to throw his arms around me. 'I thought that you were...' Remus allowed the rest of his sentence to trail off. 'Do come in.'

It didn't occur to me that I had not uttered a word as yet to him. 'How have you been, Severus?'

I observed him then sighed. 'I'd be lying to you if I declared that I have been peachy.'

'Well', and he closed the door softly, 'you're not alone on that one. I can assure you that someone else hasn't been feeling exactly peachy as well.'

'Harry?' I asked and Lupin raised an eyebrow.

'To the point and exactly the thought I'd expect you to be pondering on', and he stopped along the hall then turned to face me. 'Where the hell have you been Severus? Hmm?'

I swallowed.

'You disappear for four years and now show up? What happened to you?' As his cool eyes surveyed me, I realised that I had to tell the truth. I had to be honest and it wasn't going to be a nice job to perform.

'C-can we sit down somewhere?' I asked, practically pleaded with him. And having seen the look in my eyes, he quickly beckoned for me to enter the living room behind him.

It was furnished as before, with two single armchairs and a double. In one corner cowered a chest of drawers and the carpet that was florally decorated was still lying there. I surprisingly chose the double, seating myself on the right side, giving myself a chair with room. Remus chose the single to my left.

'What happened, Severus?' he asked softly as I sat there rubbing my palms on my pants.

I chose to begin from the very moment he had left me in the care of Madam Pompfrey.

'And she moved me to St. Mungo's where I had to stay for over six months. While I was there, I tried to phone around, asking any and everyone if they had set eyes on Potter. But people chose to give me hazy sketches of his whereabouts. I can recall Slughorn refusing to speak with me and Flitwick demanded that I give myself in for all the harm I had done. Everyone was at my throat because of Dumbledore's death and yet no one knew the truth.'

'Well I came to know the truth when Harry related it to me some years ago', Lupin explained as he fingered a torn section on the chair. 'So you never thought about coming here to ask of where he was.'

He had stated it rather than asked the obvious. 'Would you believe me if I told you that simple things like that slipped my mind, Remus?'

He massaged his chin and scrutinised me. 'I don't believe that. Sad as it might seem, there seems to be something else hidden beneath that confession. You seem to be barely skimming the surface with me and I only desire the truth, just as Harry has wanted to know the truth as to why you were staying away for all these years. You see', and he leaned forward: I swallowed, 'Harry believes that you just couldn't find him all these years. He believes that maybe you have been lost and looking but somehow you couldn't reach him. We are two grown men sitting here talking about this and Severus, I think that that's the most foolish excuse anyone has ever uttered to me. You didn't get lost and you didn't even make an effort to find him –'

'That's not the entire truth!' I demanded harshly, and then I rubbed my eyes with my fingers as I sat there. 'I did search for him. I did really.'

'Did you come here to inquire as to his whereabouts?'

'No, I –'

'Did you check with his friends hoping that they knew where he was?'

'No because –'

'Severus, just tell me the truth and get over with it.'

The silence that stretched on after he had asked the truth of me felt like hours on end when it had just been minutes. And as I sat there fumbling with my hands and struggling to heave out the words that explained the truth, it felt as if the truth itself was a hard ball that couldn't be brought up. I believed that I might choke if I even began to relate any of it to him, to anyone. But I just had to tell him. I had to tell someone. And for all the years, Remus had been close to me. He was closer to Harry and he understood how I felt for Harry better than anyone but us.

'I have cancer', I said and it sounded almost like a terrible confession on my part pertaining to me maybe being a murderer or a rapist. 'And as you know, it is one of the 'incurable diseases' in our world. So naturally I have been taking chemotherapy for the last three years.'

All the while I had stated it as if it meant nothing to me and Remus had no concern for it to mean anything to him as well. But that was a stupid thing to do for it was quite the opposite. It terribly affected me, every bit of it. And although I tried to keep my composure, inside I was tearing apart tremendously. As I sat there my entire body was aching and I had the most terrible fever ever. My skin was always clammy and the nausea would not go away.

'Three years?' Remus asked in disbelief as he came towards me now, sitting beside me and wrapping an arm around my shoulder. 'That's too long to be taking chemotherapy, Severus. What does that mean?'

And he knew the meaning. He didn't have to ask me but he took the time to.

'It keeps coming back', I said and I finally lost control for my hands flew up to cover my face and I sobbed most audibly. 'It is there then it happens to maybe diminish...and then a month after it just continues to appear again. First it developed near my heart. Then...it was somewhere else within my chest, somewhere near my lungs. It keeps moving.' And I lifted my head, blinked three times too many to clear my eyes and then I took a deep breath. 'I'm cursed.'

He held his hand around my shoulder steady. Traffic rolled by outside. 'Don't say that.'

'It's tearing me apart and if you desired to know the truth about why I haven't...been placing all my energy into finding...Harry, it has to do with me believing that...my days are...numbered. My life has always been terribly shaken with me fearing my death around every corner and just when I believed that I had escaped it, this...comes up.'

Remus held me as I cried silently, thinking about Harry and where he was, what he would do, how he would feel if he found out about me.

'Severus listen to me', he said softly, 'if there's one thing on this earth that I have learnt is that you should never let go of your feelings for someone just because you fear the worst on your side. I have always loved Sirius and when he was thrown in Azkaban wrongfully, I wanted to give up and let my feelings go for him. I couldn't and you might say that this is quite different. It is yes because you are sick. But love is an endless force that always attempts to cure, heal and soothe wounds that cause you to hurt.'

'I love him so much but I...I cannot hurt him more than I have hurt him before –'

'You're not going to hurt him when he finds out about your health. He's hurting even more by not being able to see you again, Severus. Harry has been in pain for years now just because he couldn't find you. And he has been through so much, trying to get over you. He has married a girl who deserved far better than to have a man who still desires another man. What I am saying is that maybe you should let him come back to you. You should go back to him. You both need each other and until you do, then you'll just continue dying inside. Did the doctors say whether your days are numbered?'

I looked around and shook my head. They had only told me not to give up but I somehow had always feared the worst, believing in the worst and never having faith in anything good happening. When I had started to lose my hair, nothing could have stopped me from allowing myself to just let it go. I had chosen to lock myself away from the world, desiring no contact with anyone. And one day, I just decided that I needed to do something about it.

'Your hair?' Remus inquired after. 'Magic?'

I nodded.

'Love is magic', he stated calmly. 'Now I must tell you what I believe you should do. You should allow me and Sirius to get him to know of your whereabouts, where you are and you two should meet. I believe that once you two have met, things will become so much better after that. All you need to do is believe in good results.'

And later on from that conversation that we had, when I had gathered myself together and had gathered enough strength to do so, he introduced me to Andy. What a sprite young baby he was. And immediately, he seemed to calm my nerves as I tensely lifted him up, him nuzzling his head into my shirt. It seems as if Black had been cleared of all charges and had managed to secure himself a job at the Ministry of Magic. So naturally, he wasn't home.

'It's what you need', Remus said as I handed Andy back to him. 'A family. It gives you something to hold unto, to have hope in. And it's only when you have someone that loves you that is there to share things with you and make you feel alive and wanted: it's then that you start to heal.'

So I was given his word that he'd try to reach Harry as soon as possible. It seemed as if Harry was out of town maybe on one of his jobs as an Auror. And I longed to see him more than ever as I stood on the doorstep of Grimmauld's Place. I had a telephone and I did give Remus my number. But what I desired was for me to find Harry, not the other way around. It was because I believed that I owed him that much. He had probably searched enough and it was my turn to seek him out.

The thing is, you might believe me to be so stupid in having avoiding him after all these years. But had you been in my place, having been confused as I was, you would have understood how I felt. It was as if I feared hurting him the most when he discovered that I was sick. And even though I knew that he'd somehow love me back, I still was paranoid enough to believe that he'd let go of his feelings for me. And maybe he had after being married for two years.

I was as usual, always wrong about him.

**Writer's Note: You see, the thing about this story is, it just keeps getting more emotional and hurtful. And just when you believe things are going to turn out alright, boom, things fall back down. I'm sorry for plotting it this way but it's one of the only ways I can show you how deep Snape loves Harry and how Harry desires nothing more than to be with Snape. Please Review! Tell me what you think of this change.**


	14. Chapter 14

***To you all, welcome back once again to another chapter! I can only update for sure on weekends so look out for me alright? Two chapters the most on weekends and I must consider you spoilt since you have two now to savour over! This one ended so nicely. **

**And so we are here at the second to last chapter. Next week you shall have the final one and trust me, you don't want to miss that. Well after that I'll throw in another maybe, just to round it off nicely...maybe a year after who knows eh? But do enjoy this one. Read it thoroughly!* **

**oOoOoOo**

**(Harry)**

I always used to believe that whenever someone spoke of love, it was this divine feeling you know: something that was so sincere and honest. And I always imagined it to feel toe curling, a feeling that left you high as if you were soaring above the ground. Or maybe it made you feel high like when you pulled on a joint or injected some drug into your system. It was a lie.

Love could fuck you up, beat the hell out of you and leave you like an orange pulp gasping, writhing on the ground. You would lie there with your pockets turned out, your eyes beady, sweat dripping down your face as you fought for air. And yet, even as the rain lashed down on you right then, stupid you would only think of that one person who had made your life a living hell, and yet had somehow made you fall for them.

And that was how he had left me feeling because I suspected some truth in what I was thinking. You know what I had begun to believe? I believed that Snape had given up on me. Simple as that. It needed no other explanation on my part only for me to say that he had somehow believed that staying away from me would be the best thing to do. So here I was sitting like a fuck on a stool in 'Members Only' for the third week and he never showed up.

The bartender had even acted a bit surprised when I asked for him, saying how he expected to see him there most nights. But he had somehow never showed up again. Had he gotten wind of me searching for him and had decided to stay away? I couldn't tell but I did know something was going on and just because no one wanted to tell me the truth, I became so angry at him, at everyone and even at myself. It was a new feeling, quite different from how I was feeling before when I was in rehab. It felt as if my body was now rebelling on me, with me. I no longer felt depressed, saddened and hopeless about my situation.

Oh no. What I felt was maddening anger at him.

'It's like every time you try to get to him, you get some information as to where he is, he slips away further', Hermione was saying into the phone.

Cradling it between my cheek and shoulder, I entered the small kitchen of the apartment that felt almost like home in Godric's Hollow. And I opened the fridge, taking out the orange juice.

'It's a sign, Harry.'

'Tell me about it', I said pouring myself a glass. 'I fucking hate him these days, Hermione.'

'Harry', she said in that voice laced with disbelief, 'don't say that. I know that you still love him and you still want nothing more than find him, Harry. I know you too well.'

'That's true.'

'Anyway, stop worrying. Something is bound to happen soon. Don't worry. Lupin and Sirius have been trying to reach you', she said as I sipped. 'They said that it's important. And since you told me not to tell anyone where you are, I told them that you were out of town.'

I thought about it for a moment. 'I'll give them a call ASAP. Don't tell anyone where I am...only if...he calls or gets through to you.'

'Alright, so what are you going to do tonight? I hope you're not drinking, Harry.' And as usual, her voice sounded concerned, just like how Ginny would sound.

'No I'm not drinking. I'm sitting here and the only thing I am drinking is a glass of orange juice.'

She sighed then I heard a distant rumble of someone's voice in the background. It had to be Ron. 'Ron's just come home. You know, we were thinking that maybe you should come spend some time by us, Harry. It would be good for you. At least you'd have us to talk to and keep you company. Think about it.'

'Alright I will', I said. 'You enjoy your night, Hermione. Bye.'

'Bye, Harry and take care. Don't do anything stupid.'

And so that evening, I once again went across to the bar not only hoping to see him, but also to down a few drinks to clear my head. I should have taken my best friend's advice but the thing is I was feeling like shit still. Before I knew it, I had finished one beer and when the second one came, I eyed it with distaste. Pushing it away, I leant back in my chair and surveyed the interior of the bar that had seen me more frequently than usual.

A few people were in here and there. Some were playing pools whilst others like me chose to sit reminiscing on the day's events or preferring to drown themselves in their own sorrow. This one man was slowly tracing a finger around the bottle's mouth, with a vacant look on his grease stained face. In one of his hands, he was holding a kitchen knife. Something told me that he was probably contemplating on killing someone.

'Harry?' I looked around and to my surprise, there was Johnny standing behind me, his chopped black hair looking as wild as ever. Holding out a hand on which many rings winked back at me, he seemed to desire a handshake.

'Johnny', I said flabbergasted. 'What a surprise. What brings you here?' And I shook his hand. Nothing passed between us. There was just this mild understanding that we had known each other sometime before.

'Well', he said sitting down, smiling, 'I'm here on business actually. You see that hotel over there?' and he nodded with his chin. I noticed that he had worked on the muscles in his upper arm for they were now bulging. 'That there is what I'm here for. Remember my family is in the hotel business?'

I could only remember vaguely what he had once told me for it had been years. However I nodded.

'Well, that one over there is a potential for us. I'm here to wrap up this deal in buying it over. Then after that, I'm off to France where I have to oversee another one of ours.' He sat down on a chair beside me and he chose to scrutinise me with kind eyes, a wry smile on his face. 'You look...good. How have you been? Or shouldn't I ask?'

I took it as an understatement...what he had said about me looking good for I knew I looked terrible. Just this morning when I had happened to glance into the mirror above the bathroom sink, I noticed that I had allowed my beard to grow back just a little. Therefore, I appeared a little older and let's just say a little rusty as well. And then my green eyes had this vacant expression as if I was somehow there but not there, you know what I mean? It was like staring into someone else's face...eyes. It was scary to be honest.

'I've been managing alright enough', I said and just as I decided to place my hand unto the table's surface, he copied my move. 'So what's new?' I said, swallowed, and removed my hand to rest it on my lap.

'Well business has got me busy. And if you were referring to my love life, I have none. You?' And unconsciously I lifted my left hand to scratch my chin; my gold ring glinted in his dark brown eyes as they rested on my hand. Surprising as it may seem, I had never gotten around to removing my wedding ring even after Ginny and I divorced. I seemed to be wearing it as a reminder to myself as to what I had and what I had lost. Sad but it was the hurtful truth.

'Well...' and I trailed off. The funny thing was that I somehow felt uneasy around him. Once I used to favour his smiles and words but as of that day when I sat next to him, I wanted nothing more than for him to get up and leave. I felt uncomfortable as if I was somehow being held back from something that I was supposed to be doing. 'I'm married', I lied.

Disbelief washed over his face when I told that big white lie. What was I to do? Play available and get myself into deeper shit? Wasn't I already knee deep in something else? And of course you might be calling me a loser because I'm here moping over Snape when I could find someone else, but you don't know how I felt. I just couldn't explain it. It was like having hope and never wanting to let go even if like me, you were becoming terribly angry at said person.

'Wow', he said and whistled then in a flash he withdrew his hand from the table. 'So you're not...?'

'No', I said and shook my head quickly. Then I smiled.

'Well anyone can switch sides', he said and made a quick move by lifting his right hand to check his watch. 'My look at the time: I must be getting back now. I'm leaving in the morning. If you want, I'm staying over there. Just ask for me at the front desk. They'll...show you up.' And he winked. I felt disgusted.

'Thanks. It was nice seeing you again.' We got up, and I held out my hand to shake his. Instead he pulled me into a hug. I still felt nothing. He probably expected different for he lingered a little too long in our embrace and then he pulled away. Avoiding my eyes, he left.

Now the thing is I was wearing this old denim jacket that I occasionally used to sneak a wear of it when I was in Hogwarts. On numerous days when I had been at school, I'd wear it over my robe, especially when the weather was too chilly. And tonight I had done the same, for the place was cold indeed. Winter had just gone by and we were now in the beginning of a new year once more. Rubbing my palms together to generate some heat, I resorted to sliding them into my pockets on my jacket. Several things touched my fingers from inside the pockets and I was brought to the realisation that the last time I had worn this jacket was when I was in Hogwarts.

I don't know but that night when I had opened my closet, it just jumped out at me. I wanted to wear something that allowed me to relive memories of Snape. And on many occasions, it was this jacket I had on. Actually I had this very article of clothing on when he had kissed me for the last time. I also had had it one that night when he had been bitten and I had to leave him lying there.

Sliding out several things at one time, I lay them on the table before me. There was a browning shrivelled up leaf that I had probably gotten from the grounds at Hogwarts. And then there was a black button with four eyeholes. I remembered where I had gotten that button from. It had been from his robe that day when we were grabbing for each other a landing below where Dumbledore had stood. When he had bitten my neck, I had held onto the front of his robes almost too tight. And his button had come undone and into my hand. Fingering it, I lifted it to my nose, sniffing it ludicrously as I tried to detect some sort of scent that belonged to him. There was nothing but the faint smell of plastic.

I kept it between my fingers as I slid out something that felt like a thin leaf of paper. What I placed on the table before me made me gasp a little too loud because several people around me glanced around. At another time I would have taken time to smile around at them, assuring them that nothing happened. But tonight as I stared down at the white manila envelope, recognition of it brought tears to my eyes. My fingers trembled as I held it in my hand, and I felt a hot tear drain down my cheek as I stared at his writing on the envelope.

'Oh shit', I whispered as I suddenly remembered when Snape had handed the envelope to me.

It felt like years ago, ages gone by when he had given it to me, slipped it into my hand before he left me standing in the corridor as the rain pelted unto the roofs of Hogwarts. And suddenly as if I was there again watching him go, a soft cold wind swept in through the front door as it swung open and someone came in. I didn't take time to observe who it was but my eyes chose to quickly return to the thing I held in my hand. Somewhere in the distance outside, thunder clapped and I couldn't tell if it was my imagination or it was really happening.

'Anything to eat, Harry?' I looked up almost too quickly then down again as I remembered my eyes were wet. It was a plump white teenage girl with shiny blond hair who had chosen to be my favourite waitress. In better days I would have called her extremely gorgeous but tonight, her appearance didn't catch my attention away from the envelope.

I shook my head.

'Are you sure? You haven't even touched your second beer? How about if I brought you a plate of fries and ketchup?'

Thinking about it, my mouth watered and I nodded, drumming my fingers on the table. Please leave, I kept thinking in my mind as she stood there peering down at me, her eyelashes batting. She took my silence to mean something bad and walked off quietly.

I didn't even want to rip the envelope open. Gently prying at the flap that was sealed shut, I managed to open it causing less damage to the paper itself for I wanted to somehow keep it. Geese it had been years since he had given me the damn letter and all the time it had been in my stupid jacket pocket! I had forgotten about it. And five years almost after, it was now in my hands again. Unfolding the paper, I took in the look of it with trembling fingers and my eyes blurred from my tears as they met the first word he had written in his scrawled writing at the top.

_**Harry,**_

_**Times are always changing: the seasons come and go, leaves turn from glorious green to deep shades of yellow and then other things keep on changing and so have you. **_

_**I remember when I used to despise you for nothing at all. Simple things about your personality would make me angry such as your imagined arrogance and conceitedness. Those qualities never existed in such a person like you for I had only been allowing my imagination to get the worst of me. From that one time that our eyes met briefly that night at Grimmauld's Place, Harry something changed in me. And I can honestly announce now that I still cannot find words to describe what occurred.**_

_**One minute I was thinking to myself 'I wonder where that idiotic Potter is' and then in another few minutes I was lost in your eyes. I have always been terribly lost in your eyes, Harry. They attempt to drown me no matter what the situation is. Even when we had our stupid bouts of senseless anger, one look into your eyes and I'd be threatened to drown and allow myself to let go.**_

_**And that brings me to our quarrels. Harry, I can remember every word that you uttered to me and every emotion that passed over your face. I can remember you accusing me of being cold and conceited, heartless. And then there was that last time I lost control and I uttered hurtful things to you. I am so sorry. **_

_**When I told you that I wanted to make you hurt as Malfoy made me feel, those words...I never meant them, Harry. I was so angry; completely frustrated with everything...and by now I figure that you know what stress Dumbledore had placed me under. All of that had a major impact on me.**_

_**You see, I realised that you have been affected by what I had with Lucius Malfoy. I can reassure you from my heart that it is something that I have regretted getting into from the very start. Nothing would have pleased me more than to erase those memories of him and me. His love was purely hurtful, leaving me in pain every time. And it was so different from the love I felt when I was with you, Harry.**_

_**What I felt for you was purely warm and welcoming. I could only feel complete when I was in your presence. And I have to confess that those daring times when you crossed the line to try your best to seduce me, I thoroughly enjoyed every second of it. And I would assume by now that you'd understand why I was rejecting you every time you attempted to lure me deeper into that web of dangerous desire. **_

_**Noone else would see it the way we did. At the end of every day, Harry just you and I would understand that meaning of the word love. And I wasn't prepared to have you harmed by returning your deep love for me. If I had only done what you wanted me to do, if we had only crossed that line and we had begun a relationship, our lives would have fallen apart. You would have not been able to focus on your schoolwork and your future...your vision would have been clouded with me. I had to prepare you for the event of something terrible happening to either of us. I didn't want one of us to die and leave the other feeling devastated and incomplete.**_

_**But how stupid I was to believe that by distancing myself from you, by not returning your love: you'd get over me and move on. Either way you would have been thinking of me. And I have always been thinking about you as well. I have been daydreaming about us being together, sharing things with each other and loving each other back. It is all I want to do, Harry. I have always wanted to show you how much I love you. But I just couldn't.**_

_**Here I am rambling away and I don't even believe my words have direction for I am just scribbling what I am thinking and feeling at the spur of the moment. I don't want to stop writing because it is the only chance I will get to relate to you how I feel for you.**_

_**Sometimes when you believe you have done the right thing, it ends up being the worst mistake that you made. And I have done that. I will always live with it: you believing that I didn't love you back. Now to be honest, how stupid that was, Harry. It was always there how I felt for you. No other person, teacher would have allowed you to touch them, kiss them like you did to me. **_

_**Well you know now that I have always loved you and I will try to end at this. We made a promise and no matter what, if both of us are still alive when this is over, I will be there for you. I have to spend my life with you, Harry. It cannot be anyone else but you. **_

_**I am in tears right now so I believe that I will end this. I don't know when I'll hand this to you but when I do; please read this with an open heart. I will always love you, Harry Potter.**_

_**On a last note, please stay as understanding and daring as you always have been. And I hope that someday in the future, we can savour that passion that never would seem to die out between us.**_

_**With Endless Love,**_

_**Severus Snape**_

I read it again and again, laughing at some parts and crying terribly as I read other parts. And when my head had begun to spin and I just couldn't breathe, I rested my head on the table and sobbed as silently as I could. My sobs came like hiccups, my chest heaving as this terrible pain inside me washed over me. I felt like my world was going to end right there and then and I had been a failure with nothing to smile about. What I thought about what he had said? Honestly I am speechless. I don't know what to tell you. My feelings should say it all.

People's voices began to echo around me as I sat there. The music drifting out from the stereo sounded far off like I was walking amidst a snow storm and someone in a cottage far off had on their radio. I tried to grab hold of a memory of Snape's face but I couldn't remember how he looked clearly. There was a narrow face with a pair of black eyes. And then there was just his black hair hanging like a curtain around that face. There were thin lips and maybe a nose but everything was so vague. I couldn't forget his voice though. That soft silky tone of his, the way he'd form his words and would often have this way of pausing between words.

'Mr. Potter, your fries.' The waitress had come back. I lifted my head in level with my hands that were resting on the table. And I wiped the tears away. Then I slowly got up to thank her. She observed the letter in my hand, my moist eyes and nodded. Then she was walking away. Good.

**(Snape)**

As soon as I apparated into Godric's Hollow, I didn't stride towards my apartment. Instead my feet took me towards the only place where I could sit among people and stew in my own little miserable world. But as I walked along the stoned pavement towards my destination, I felt entirely sick. It wasn't a novel feeling for I had been feeling this way for over a year now. It would entail me feeling overly nauseous, and then there was the terrible waves of pain that would wash over me.

Anticipating me vomiting, I braced against a lamppost, my head bent as cold sweat engulfed me. The nausea passed after awhile and when I had straightened up, my eyes met Mrs. Johnson who was silently observing me as she leant unto her walk stick.

'Nausea?' she asked, her dark eyes scrutinising me. I nodded. 'It's normal with chemotherapy, darling. And that medication that you're taking...it just seems to add to the terrible feelings. You know, my granddaughter that had breast cancer, I told you about her. Well she would be bed ridden for days on end...' I just watched her as she rambled on and on.

'I have to go, Mrs. Johnson', I said almost in a whisper because my throat had become severely parched and I needed to just sit down. 'You have a good night.' I began to walk away.

'Oh I almost forgot, two people were asking for you about three weeks ago whilst you were out of town. One of them was a pretty red head with warm eyes and the other was the Potter boy. The red head was –'

'What?' I asked in disbelief. Had I heard her correctly? My heart stopped instantly. 'Did you say Potter?'

'Why yes', she said narrowing her eyes out of concern. 'Harry Potter he was. And boy, he has matured into a fine young man. I mean, he isn't the boy we used to know. I was telling Bertha the other day that –'

'What...what did, what did he say?'

As I watched her think back on what had occurred, my vision blurred as I became extremely dizzy. Harry had been here searching for me. Dear God, after all these years he had never given up seeking me out. How I felt entirely devastated that I had chosen these last few weeks to find him as well but out of town. If I had only been here...he would have found me.

'Well he told me that he really wanted to get in touch with you. And he seemed desperate. The red head gave me a piece of paper with a number and address.' And she began to fumble in her brown shoulder bag. 'Ah! Here it is!'

As I took the small square bit of paper, several things rushed through my mind at once. Just when I had believed that I had lost Harry forever all due to my fault, it seemed as if I was suddenly being drawn closer to him. How I hoped within my heart that I still had some way of finding out where he was. I wanted to find him so badly.

'Well I hope you find him, Severus. You look too pale. Go home and take some rest.' And she hobbled off down the street.

There was an address to an apartment in Hogsmeade on the paper scrawled in his writing along with a telephone number. The number appeared to be mobile. Looking around, my eyes took in a blue pay phone booth near the bar I frequented at most times. When I had lifted the receiver and was almost through with dialling the numbers, I was left to discover that the phone wasn't working. Slamming it several times unto the hook, I left it hanging by its black cord. Then I threw open the door and entered 'Members Only'.

There was only one table vacant that night and I silently slinked into the shadows to sit upon the black leather covered chair in the corner. It was a small bar that provided comfort and privacy within. And that was what I would occasionally desire at times when I came here. Tonight I observed a burly Mexican man as he sat fingering the mouth of a bottle of beer, a knife in his thick hand. There was a lady dressed in a mink coat sitting near me and every time she lifted the glass of Cherry Coke to take a sip, a sigh escaped from within. It was quite annoying actually.

Someone was sitting at the table to my immediate left but I couldn't exactly observe his or her features as clearly as I would have desired. You see the lighting in the bar wasn't that luminescent. Therefore, shadows were here and there. In addition to that my vision had become almost too blurred from that awful nausea, everything around me seemed hazy around the edges.

'Can I get you something to drink, Sir?' I looked up to see Jessica, a blond teenager who had chosen to work in a bar since she exited high school peering down at me. 'Maybe a beer, Vodka on ice?'

'The usual', I said kneading my eyes with my knuckles, 'instant coffee, black, no sugar.'

I wanted to nothing more than to lie in my bed and escape into sleep but horrible dreams would keep me up. On one occasion too many I had envisaged me dying without ever meeting Harry again. I had awoken drenched in sweat, the pain in my chest throwing me into utter nausea.

Trying to block the memories from my mind, I tried as hard as I could to concentrate on the person sitting on my left. It as a man as I could tell from a sideway glance of the stubble on his jaw and the fine dots of black hair peppering his cheeks. His upper arms bulged within the sleeves of his denim jacket as he continued to massage his scalp with his fingers. And then my eyes rested on the sheet of paper lying limp upon the table before him. A utility bill maybe or it could be an eviction notice, rent, divorce papers... I watched as he then chose to rest his head upon the table, huffing out a sigh as he did. My God, everyone had their own problems.

I had my health to cope with, my longing for Harry and then I had bills to pay as well. Speaking of health, I had an appointment with my doctor at the St. John Cancer Institute the following day. How I could drily declare that it was something I was looking forward to. I would enter his office; shake a hand that felt almost too soft and smooth for a man. And then he would ask me to sit as he then proceeded to delve into my present condition. For the past year or more it had been just bad news that he announced to me in soft tones, trying to make it sound as calm as possible.

_Chemotherapy as I always had advised is the best thing to do as of now. Let us keep having hope that everything will eventually be fine._

Dull smile slightly strained. That was it. In other words, I was supposed to spend all my fucking money on something that had proved hopeless for the past two years. And sometimes I just wished he'd speak the truth and alert me as to maybe I would die soon.

_The nausea and light headedness comes from the medication. It has nothing to do with the cancer itself. Of course you wouldn't die per say. Just keep having faith._

Jessica brought my coffee and I smiled up wryly at her.

'You look tired Mr. Snape. Shall I get you a shot of whiskey?'

'No, no thank you Jessica.' And she chose to linger at my table.

Here was the thing with Jessica. She was desirably young, just maybe twenty after departing from High School. And she somehow found me rather appealing because on every occasion that I happened to come here, she'd be at my table acting overly friendly as she served me, suggesting what I might have and what would be good for me. I silently would welcome her hospitality as I would desire to call it.

'Your hair looks so great tied back', she said smiling, her cheeks flushed. 'And your skin looks a little pale but fine.'

'Thank you, Jessica.'

'Are you single, Mr. Snape?'

I was always anticipating the question from her or anyone else for that matter. And the answer was always the same on every occasion. 'I am, but I already have someone in my mind.'

She smiled then appeared a bit disappointed. 'I hope she's worth it. I mean, you deserve someone very special and nice such as yourself.'

'That's nice of you to say', I said stirring my coffee, keeping my eyes on the swirling black liquid. And then a sob escaped from the stranger in the denim jacket. My eyes wavered across to meet his figure as he still chose to remain head rested on the table.

'Everyone has their problems', Jessica assured me as her eyes rested on the man at the table too. 'He seems to be very sad tonight.'

'That is my status quo', I muttered as I drank my coffee, the sourness stinging my tongue. I savoured it all.

'Then maybe you should go keep him company then. I'm sure you two can cheer each other up.'

'Thanks but no thanks', I said draining my cup. 'I am too polite to divulge into other people's personal lives.'

She smiled and moved off, probably labelling me as a hopeless target. And then as it was just on my mind, I slid out my brown leather wallet from my coat pocket. Opening it, I flipped it to reveal a flap where I had a picture of him in a plastic pocket. Remus had chosen to give me it, just so I could have something to remind me of him. It should have been in my wallet years ago but I had never gotten a chance to getting my hands on a picture of him: anything that was related to him in some way. And then I remembered the letter he had given me. It now lay between two dress shirts neatly packed in my black suitcase that I had rested upon the chair beside me. The picture showed him at the age of eighteen when he had decided to get his driver's license. He looked the very same as I could remember him however, his eyes were somehow vacant.

I desperately needed to get to a phone. Maybe I'd use the one in the lobby at the guest house I was residing at. Getting up, I brushed my coat off using my hands, and then I signalled for Jessica, alerting her that she could clear my table. I then took up my briefcase and I walked away, sliding between chairs as I went. When I had reached the double doors, I could have sworn that someone had called my name: well it wasn't exactly that the person called it out loud but it was more like a whisper. Looking over my shoulder, I noticed that the only person observing my departure was the man in the denim jacket. He was doing so sideways. Even before I could continue to make my way through the doors regarding what I had heard as a figment of my imagination, something changed on his face. But I didn't notice such change.

**(Harry)**

I was sitting there practically drowning in my own sorrow when someone occupied the table next to me. It so happened that I just didn't want to see anyone, hear of anyone or speak to anyone at that moment. But I don't know if this ever happened to you. I just didn't want to even look across at anyone being in the state of mind I was in. Looking back now I should have just glanced over at whoever it was in case I knew said person. But being all closed up at that moment, I didn't do anything like that. So I chose to take one fry at a time, dipping every one into the red sauce before me in a small ceramic bowl. Then I bit, chewed, bit, chewed, moved unto another fry, sipped some beer.

I drew red circles using a fry that had been dipped in the sauce, tracing in eyes and a mouth set in a frown. And somehow I felt like drawing in spectacles, making the red sauce drawing appear like the younger version of me. I didn't wear my round black framed glasses these days but angular ones that appeared square. And of course I didn't have my scar on my forehead anymore so less people were able to identify me up to this day.

From the corner of my eyes I watched as the waitress approach the person sitting on my left. She seemed to be this social being that always wanted to talk to people. However, I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone so she wouldn't come over to me. I noticed that she carried on a conversation a little longer than expected and I caught a few snatches such as 'your hair looks so great tied back' blah... What a hustler or as Ginny would call her...a downright flirt.

I suddenly remembered that I'd be twenty two this very year. That means that Snape would be around forty two years old. He hadn't touched fifty and I still considered anyone below fifty to be somehow young. I smiled when I remembered that I had never gotten around to finding out Dumbledore's exact age. Hermione, Ron and I often used to make guesses about our teachers' ages and I could remember us deciding that Professor McGonagall had to be like in her fifties since she had taught my mother as well. We used to even want to set up her with Snape in those times when I used to hate his guts, getting the two of them to shag one another.

The person that was sitting near me got up and I kept my eyes on my plate of fries before me. But somehow, after whoever it was had begun to walk around chairs to get to the door, I was forced to lift my eyes for something weird happened. A soft whiff of perfume drifted towards me, tickling my nose as it went and when the person had reached the door, I gasped. I would always remember that perfume until the day I died! It was Perry Ellis!

'Snape', I whispered a little too loudly, my heart beginning to hammer on and my breath coming out too fast for me to keep up with. 'Oh God.'

He had turned back to throw a glance at me as if he had heard me when I whispered his name. And just as my expression changed from complete shock to utter flushed cheeks, he pushed the doors open.

'No', I sprang up from the chair, fumbling for my wallet. Taking out enough change, I threw it practically unto my plate of half finished fries. And then I snatched up his letter, the envelope, the button and stashed them back into my jacket pockets. 'No, oh fuck!'

I believe I did knock over a few chairs as I went because everyone had turned to watch me go. And when I had pushed open the doors, the cold air hitting my face forcefully, I stumbled out onto the pavement.

'Sev-Snape', I tried to shout as I looked around wildly but my voice only came out as whispers.

It had begun to rain, the drops pelting down on me, my head, my face as I dashed forward, unaware of where I was going. I couldn't see him anywhere for everything was a blur as the wind swirled the rain around the streets and around buildings. By the time I had gotten three buildings away from the bar, I was completely drenched in cold water.

'Snape', I tried to shout again but the cold seemed to have closed off my voice box. 'Snape! NO SNAPE!'

He couldn't be far from where I was standing. He just couldn't. And as I kept on going, only one thought crossed my mind. I had to find him tonight. I just had to find him now, or else I'd just die. I needed him and he couldn't slip away from me again like this.

Tears burned behind my eyelids as I went from this side of the street to the other, peering around buildings and at people who passed me. I probably appeared like a madman stumbling over everyone and everything as I went but I didn't give a fuck.

'Looking for someone dear?' a lady with a hood over her head had stopped to ask me, her hand grasping my shoulder. 'Who is it?'

'He-he's', and I doubled over trying to catch my breath, 'a man in a black long coat, hair tied back from...face, spectacles, suitcase...in hand –'

'Oh', she said pulling me under the shed of a shop. 'I saw someone like that pass by here. I've been waiting on the bus to come. He went that way though.' And she pointed in the opposite direction to which I had taken. 'It seems like you took the wrong route because I saw you come out of the bar: he went that way and you came in this direction.'

'Thanks', I whispered as I pulled my jacket tighter around me, although it was soaked through.

'Well if I see him come by I can tell him that...what's your name?'

'Harry Potter', I said and watched as her eyes lit up.

'Alright then, good to see you again Harry Potter. I'll make sure I tell him that you were looking for him.'

I took her hand and shook it, 'thank you so much.'

'No problem.'

She stepped out from under the shed, closing her umbrella as she went and it was until she had boarded the bus when I realised that it was Madam Hooch.

I stood out there for quite awhile actually, just hoping that he'd pass by again. And when this one idea kept flashing boldly at the front of my mind, I decided to take action on it. Using my jacket as some sort of hat, I dashed out from under the shed and down the street in the direction in which he had gone. Five minutes after, the rain shower thinned down and I could see clearly now as I went.

Stopping at the door of some sort of apartment building, I surveyed the area. It was then that my cell phone began to vibrate within my jeans pocket. Taking it out, my eyes rested on the display to find that it was a private number calling. I didn't usually answer calls from private numbers. On that night though, I felt compelled to answer whoever it was.

'Hello', I said into the phone. Static. 'Hello?'

Someone was breathing on the other side. 'Harry?'

'Who wants to know?' I asked sticking my finger into my other ear just so that I could hear well. 'Who is it?'

'Harry it's me...is it really you?'

I almost dropped the phone unto the concrete pavement when my mind registered the sound of that voice: that soft silky tone, pause, how he formed his words perfectly.

'My God...' and I gasped then I was forced to lean against the wall of the building as my knees felt jelly like. 'Snape...Severus. Is that...you?' A soft wind brushed up against my cheeks and I knew that my face was flushed with colour.

'Harry...yes', and I heard him struggle to breathe on the other end. 'Where are you Harry?' When he spoke this time, I could see him smiling. He sounded relieved to hear my voice.

'Snape', and I swallowed. 'I'm-I'm in Godric's Hollow. I –'

'Where exactly are you? Tell me –'

'I'm standing in front of this building...um its concrete; I think the sign says it's an apartment building. Anchor's Apartment.' And I tried to keep breathing slowly so that I could catch my breath. 'I don't know exactly where I am –'

'Harry, come inside', he said in a rush, cutting me off.

'What?' I asked scrunching up my face, my eyes squinted. I stood there flabbergasted as people rushed by and out of the drizzle.

'Come into that very building and use the elevator: second floor, room 26.' There was the sound of the phone moving as he probably moved towards the window or something.

'You're...it was you I just saw', I said as I cradled the phone between my cheek and shoulder. I pushed the door open as I went, feeling nervous as ever but somehow extremely excited. He was here!

'You just saw me?' Snape asked and I just savoured the sound of his voice again. It felt like just yesterday when he was talking to me...

'I was in the bar, and I saw when you came out. I smelt your...perfume and I knew it was you.'

Snape was here! I had found him! I couldn't believe it and my head was spinning so much that I forgot the guard sitting at the desk. I even forgot that the when Dumbledore had died, I had wanted to kill him. And when I had returned to Hogwarts that night to fight Voldemort, I had strode forward angrily, accusing him, reminding him of something that probably pained him unto this day.

'And you're here to see?' the guard asked. My head snapped around to look at him.

'I'm here to see Severus Snape', I said in a rush, my hands sweaty.

'Your name –'

'Harry Potter', I said almost too quickly and his face lit up.

'Well go on ahead Harry Potter! Welcome to this fine establishment. I hope you...' I didn't catch all that he had said because I was already in the elevator heading upstairs.

'Snape?' I asked into the phone but he had already hung up.

Everything happened in a rush, you know. And I couldn't exactly tell you what I observed about the place as I went through it and up in the elevator. All I wanted was to get to Snape. And it never even crossed my mind that it could be a trick or something. You know, you might say Harry Potter is still supposed to take precautions on everything. But I wanted to get to him as fast as possible. God it had been years! I felt extremely ecstatic as I went up and even though I tried to calm myself, I just couldn't.

However, by the time I had reached his door I was somehow calm. My heartbeat had returned to a steady dull beating in my chest and I was feeling delightfully excited.

When the door opened without me even ringing the doorbell, I almost fainted. It was him. It was really him! And we both stood there looking at each other until he made the first move to invite me in. I just couldn't believe it. After all these years...gosh. I'm rambling on aren't I?

I followed him into his apartment, me not saying a word up to that point in time because I just couldn't say anything. My voice box had somehow shut down. And as he turned to gaze at me once more, I felt that familiar feeling of warmth wash over me from head to toe. Those dark eyes...

'Harry Potter, I thought I'd never see you again', he said softly.

'So did I.'

I swallowed and stepped forward and as usual, Snape stepped back. I was forced to believe that maybe it was this way he had whenever someone dared to enter his personal space, he unconsciously reacted in stepping back, even if it was me.

The room around us was softly lit by yellow shaded lamps that were set on his desk and on the walls. And as I continued to keep my eyes on his, I noticed that something seemed different about him. It wasn't just that his appearance had been altered to reflect his long hair tied back, his flushed cheeks and wickedly appealing body. It was something else...maybe it was the lighting but Snape looked sick.

'What is it you want?' he dared to ask me, as if he was honestly unaware of why I was here. I always admired that about Snape. He would always find happiness in tormenting me. Or maybe he believed that I had fallen out of love with him.

'I just wanted to see you again', I said with a smile playing on my lips.

'Where have you been all these years? Many of times I have searched and never found you', Snape said with his eyes on me.

'Well you couldn't have searched hard or long enough. I have always been around.'

'In Godric's Hollow?' he asked, swallowing.

'I live here', I said waving a hand around. 'Just two corners from here actually.'

He looked in disbelief at me.

'Greg's Inn?'

'Yes the very same.'

'But that's just impossible. I would have...seen you around for sure.'

I smiled then sighed. 'I've been busy working, Snape. An Auror's job is never done.' Oh what a lie.

'Well stated. How have you been?' he asked smiling as well for he probably knew that I was somehow hiding my true feelings from him.

'Great, actually. My job keeps me occupied. What about you? I saw you a couple of times from a distance but never really cared to bother you.' And I continued to lie, watching his expression change from shock to hurt, and thinking of why I didn't stop to talk to him.

Vehicles rumbled on outside as we stood there: me lying and well he looking completely thrown off balance.

'I wouldn't have minded', he said softly, sounding quite crestfallen.

'After the war I figured you'd never want to see me again. You know, after living in hell's hole to protect me.' And I shrugged. 'I missed you though. Guess I never really got around to saying thanks for everything you did for me.' Oh how I loved tormenting him this time.

'That's perfectly alright.' And I watched as something collapsed behind his eyes. He honestly believed now that I had gotten over him.

It was my time to torment him as he had done to me over the years when I was his student. He had desperately lied to me, pretending that he didn't love me back. And now it was my turn to do the same. But I couldn't take it anymore. I just had to get to him...close the distance between us quickly or else I'd lose self control and become that beaten, hopeless pulp I mentioned before.

His hands...my eyes moved to his hands as I thought it through: those slim fingers that once touched me, driving me crazy. And then I took in his lips that were slightly parting and closing as he probably fought to keep himself under control. I couldn't really breathe properly either as I stood there looking at him. And I swallowed two times too many. I just had to touch Snape again. I had to do it.

'But that's not all I came here to tell you', I said and I began to step forward tentatively.

'Harry', he whispered in a rush and his eyes fluttered open then close. He swallowed.

This time I would show him how deep my love ran for him. And he didn't have any excuse whatsoever to brush me off.

**(Snape)**

Two words I thought of when Harry stepped towards me. Two words were coursing through my mind as I watched this man before me that had transformed from a passionate teenager to a grown individual.

All I wanted to do right then was to _ravish him__**.**_

_**oOoOo**_

**Writer's Note: Dum, dum, dum, dumdum! Did you like it? What did you think about it? Was it worth the read so far? **

**If anyone is wondering where the anger went that Harry was feeling for Snape earlier, it flew away just as Mary Poppins did when the wind changed course that windy evening in London. **

**And if you're going to ask me why I ended it just when things might go all steamy and heated between them...two words: 'COMMERCIAL BREAK!' lmao**


	15. Chapter 15

*Hey I just want to share one thought with you before you begin reading. It's something that I recently came across. And it goes like this: love is like no other feeling for when it is ignited, it takes more than a cold thrill of wind to dull the flames*

**WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!**

SLASH CONTENT: MALE/MALE

PLEASE DO NOT PROCEED TO READ IF AFFECTED BY SUCH CONTENT.

**oOoOoOo**

**(Harry)**

Sometimes it's amazing how you can lose control of yourself when it comes to loving someone. I for one had never ever believed that a feeling like this: for someone like this, could make me become lost in emotions. And as I stood there in front of Snape, I began to realise one thing. This was that moment when I'd be making a major decision that would affect my life forever more.

I had been making decisions like this before but they never were so seriously affective, clouding my judgement by strong emotions and feelings. Of course those decisions entailed me having to choose carefully after making considerate judgements on my choices. But my choice was clearer here than ever before. It was him that I chose and it was him that I had always chosen.

'Where were _you_, Snape?' I asked trying to be careful about what emotion I was showing. For awhile he just stared back blandly at me. And then as if holding my gaze was too much for him, he turned gracefully around, and then walked to a two cushioned chair not so far from where we stood. I watched silently as he seemed to contemplate as if to sit down, and then he did with a strained expression on his face. Suddenly I realised that his jet black hair was greying, the grey hairs appearing like lines on a map of something beautiful.

'Snape?'

He didn't answer but chose to remain seated with his back to me, and then I heard him sigh a long painful sigh as if something was terribly aching him within. I immediately felt so scared for what specific reason I couldn't tell you but I was afraid. For one, it could be that I was suddenly afraid of what he would tell me. He probably would say that he couldn't do this with me anymore, that our promise had been long forgotten of. Or he could tell me that he was in some sort of danger or he was married. Even though I wanted him to tell me that he was ready to need me as much as I had needed him for all these years: that was the last thought at the back of my mind. It would always happen like that wouldn't it?

And so I did the only thing sensible enough for me to do although I was beginning to feel as if I should turn around and walk out the door. I walked over to the chair he was sitting in, my boots making soft padding sounds as I went across the lime green carpet. And I sat next to him on that same two cushioned chair. There was a reasonable amount of distance between us and it had always been this way. And although the distance was only a mere two feet, I felt as if more than an ocean separated him from me. There he was so close after all these years and I just was afraid to even touch him.

You know, in most stories you'd encounter a daredevil who would brave the odds to get whatever he or she wanted. You'd witness whoever it was do things that any normal person just wouldn't. In a situation like this, that very person would invade Snape's personal space, daring to seduce him without explanation. I couldn't do it. No matter how much you expect of me, I didn't dare move any closer unless he showed signs of wanting me to do that. I wasn't that little emotional teenager anymore who desperately longed to be touched, who would force him to touch me just to prove a point. No. I was a man now, one who had standards and control. And I had learnt that the more you push yourself up on someone, the higher the risk of that person pushing you away. It would hurt like hell then. So I chose to take things slow.

'I wanted nothing more than to find you', he said after a long stretch of silence between us: one that was filled with the low hum of traffic outside, the humming of the heater somewhere in the depths of his apartment and the ticking of the clock above his fireplace.

'Then why didn't you?' I said with my eyes on him. He was avoiding my eyes still. 'I searched for you but nothing ever came up. Snape I thought that you were dead.'

'Well I'm not', he said almost too quickly for me to understand the meaning of it. And then he sighed again. 'There are things that you don't know, that I must tell you.'

'I read your letter. I understand what happened.'

'It's not that', he said and I waited on him to continue but he wouldn't. What was wrong with him? Fear was edging at the corners of my mind as he continued to remain silent and I suddenly realised that I'd have to become that daredevil whether I liked it or not. As much as I didn't want it to happen, I wanted answers. I wanted the truth.

'What is it...' and I decided to do something that I had never done before, 'Severus, what is it?'

I got the reaction I wanted because he immediately started when I used his first name. The only times I did use his first name were when I was with Hermione, Ginny or other close friends. But addressing him like that broke down some barrier between us because I had now stepped across the threshold, entering more than his personal space. And then he seemed to have lost something within him as I looked on. I watched as he turned to look at me, his eyes registering nothing but warmth, moist. His left hand that was closer to me twitched.

'I've always wanted you', he said soft and slow, his voice strained. His hand reached out towards me. 'Don't sit there as if you want nothing but distance between us, Harry. Come here.'

And it's amazing how people can switch a situation around to make it appear as if you were in the wrong. Wasn't it him who had walked away from me to come sit here? Anyway this was a pressing situation and I didn't want to stir it up more. So taking his hand, feeling his soft warm fingers entwine with mine, I allowed him to pull me towards him.

Everything happened in slow motion before my eyes, as I got up and closed the distance between us. And choosing to do as my body wanted me to do, I sat stiffly upon his lap, holding our gaze into each other's eyes. Then using my other hand that wasn't intimately entwined with his, I caressed his face: taking my time to brush his soft tendrils of black hair behind his left ear. The feel of his familiar soft skin beneath my fingers sent spirally wisps of thrills through my hand all the way down to my toes that were curling in my socks. I wanted nothing more than to kiss him, feeling his lips beneath mine once more.

But I took time to let things happen. I wanted to take things slow and not to rush everything.

'I've never wanted distance between us', I said softly, almost throaty as I began to feel my chest pressing inwards from becoming too tense with emotion for him. 'It's been so long and I'm so confused as to how you're feeling right now.' I took time to think about what to say. 'You were never the one to exactly be...honest about your feelings for me. I feel like I'm still in the dark.'

Using my fingers once more, I brushed them down his left cheek, taking time to use my thumb to trace a line down to his jaw and then upwards again to the corner of his mouth. His skin was warmer than usual. I only took it to mean that he was burning up from need. And when I felt his hand rest itself upon my back: just the feel of his warm hand against my skin once more, my eyes fluttered close.

So we still had this intense feeling of attraction and passion for each other after all these years. It was a flame that had never managed to permanently flicker out but chose to become dull. And now it was threatening to begin to ignite as we awakened each other once more.

'You're not in the dark', he whispered. 'You know exactly how I feel. It's only you I want, Harry.'

'After more than four years?' I asked now feeling a little hurt.

'It felt longer than that for me.'

'What happened to you?' I asked as my fingers wandered his body. It seemed as if I was just observing them walk around without me directing them. They were now fingering the collar of his shirt that felt stiff to my touch. It made me smile to remember how sensitive he was to dressing formal whatever the occasion was.

'I've not been well', he said as he held me now behind my back with both hands. Using one hand, I held him behind his neck and I wrapped the other behind his back bringing his face closer to mine. But I didn't allow our lips to meet just yet. There was more that I wanted to hear from him.

'I haven't as well', I said as I rested my head unto his right shoulder. And as my nose came into contact with his bare skin, I couldn't help but inhale his scent: that smell of him that always used to drive me crazy. And it was still driving me crazy now as I smelt him: soap mixed with a bit of Brute aftershave and coffee. My eyes then rested on the items on his desk which included a bottle of a medication that I had once seen before.

It was a bottle of tablets that I had seen on Mrs. Weasley's bedside vanity when I had paid her a visit more than once before. She had been lying in bed at the St. Joseph's Mercy Hospital somewhere in mid London and it was in a specific area that related to her condition.

Pulling away from him without allowing my hands to leave his body I stared into his eyes. 'You-those tablets...' and tears came to my eyes. I just couldn't help it, 'you have...?' And when his eyes widened from surprise that I'd picked it up, I gasped in disbelief. I didn't realise that my fingers were digging into the flesh on his neck and back until he winced.

'I'm...' and even before I could apologise for my rude behaviour, he bent his head and I felt him shake against me. I quickly used my hand to lift his face and I saw that he had begun to cry.

'No, don't', I said as tears came to my eyes as well. My chest began to pain terribly as I was washed anguish and fear. 'Don't cry.'

'Harry, I'm sorry', he said between sobs that shook his entire body. 'I didn't believe that you'd want me after y-you found out that I have –'

'Is it what I think it is?' because there was only one thing in my mind that could latch itself unto that bottle of tablets. When he nodded, I gasped. 'How bad is it? Is it lethal?'

He shrugged. 'I do not know. It has been coming back. It never seems to disappear...never gets worst but stays the same.'

'It will go away', I said without thinking and it sounded stupid to say something like that. But it was what I wanted so much. I didn't want him to be sick or imagine him dying. I had managed to help him escape his death before. 'Once I'm here, it will go away. My love will make it go away.'

'I've been going through chemo for over two years now and –'

'If its one thing I've learnt is to never give up.'

'You don't know what it's like to have your life hanging on the line, Harry.'

My cheeks coloured because he had underestimated what I went through in my life. 'I know what that's like. I've been through hell too. I know it's not easy to keep holding on but you cannot give up.'

'It's not easy for me to believe in things anymore, Harry –'

'But you've never given up on me and I'm here with you now', I said with tears burning behind my eyelids. 'You can't stop believing, Snape. You used to always teach me that once you believe in yourself and you have faith that you could do something, defend yourself, brew a potion, you could do it. You were the one who used to always say that that was one thing I lacked. I never used to believe that I could do something better than I could.' I watched him as he began to register what I was saying.

'Look at me', I said taking both my palms and pressing them against his face. I then tried to bring his face to look at me. 'I'm here. And I'm not going to give up on you. I've _never_ given up.'

He sighed. 'But you have done that before.'

'Shhh', I whispered placing a finger against his lips. 'Don't say another word of nonsense like that. You know that I'd never care, never desert you whatever happened to you.'

'But you did it before', he said almost too quickly and his eyes barely flickered to meet mine, 'when you went back to Hogwarts that night. You had forgone all your feelings for me; you had lost your trust in me –'

'That was a long time ago', I said. 'I was a young boy who was confused about what to do. Noone was telling me what was the right thing to do and I was somehow left to believe that everyone, even you were lying to me.'

'I was', he whispered. 'I did lie to you about how I felt for you and what I was doing. And I'm sorry but had I actually sought you –'

'So you didn't really look for me', I stated, slightly angered. 'You chose to do what you did before and that was to believe that if you left me alone, I would get over you. And I'd stop feeling anything for you. Is that it? You actually believed that had I found out that you were sick like this, I would choose to abandon you?'

He sighed, his cheeks wet, eyes slightly red. 'I don't know.'

I honestly couldn't believe that he'd think that way about me.

'If there's one thing I hate about you, Snape is that fact that you choose to remain ignorant in the craziest times. Do you know what I've been through just not being able to find you?' I asked and even though I knew this wasn't the way things were supposed to go between us after we were here after all these years, I still felt obliged to continue.

'I've been through hell getting married to a girl who loved me more than I could ever be able to love her. I've been in rehab after trying to kill...myself', and I paused as I felt completely distraught. 'I've been searching for you for all these years and here you were, trying to get over me after you knew that we promised to –'

'What would you have done?' he asked cutting me, tears draining down his cheek once more. 'Had you been in my position feeling like this, having to undergo chemo for over two years now, believing that someday you might just die and then you'd leave that one person you love without you?'

'I would have done just what I have been doing for years now! I wouldn't have given up finding that one person! And when I did find that person I would have realised that not only had I been making a terrible mistake by stretching the time lost between us, I was also prolonging the time I'd have with him even if he was to die!'

'Well I'm sorry for acting like the usual fool', he said and he actually tried to slip out from under me, using his hands to manoeuvre me off of his lap. 'I don't think you would ever understand. You never used to anyway. It's not easy loving you, Harry. It wasn't easy and it still isn't easy.'

'Stop it', I begged as I held him by both of his shoulders trying to keep him where he was.

'Stop what? Trying to explain the truth?'

'No, don't leave me. Stay where you are.' And I tried once again to hold him where he was but he slipped away and got up. I watched him move towards the window almost swanlike: his movements stiff and elegant just like I always remembered them to be. His back to me now.

Sitting there I felt like a fool. I wanted to just go home and leave him where he was because this wasn't going how I wanted it to go. I had expected to come in and maybe we'd rush at each other after not seeing each other for a long time. Instead things had been brought up: not that I hated knowing the truth. But he was just pushing himself away from me and I suddenly realised that I had been right about believing that if I made advances on him, he'd move away.

'You always leave me', I said hoarsely, my voice cracked from crying. 'You always leave me by myself and all I wanted from you was for you to love me. If you don't love me still then...just tell me the truth. It's all I ask.'

There was silence. I bent my head down and cried some more out of frustration and anger. It was like talking to a wall because he had chosen to shut me out whilst he worked things out in his mind. He was tormenting me once again like he always did and this time I just couldn't take it. What he failed to realise was that this time it was a stickier situation than ever before. I took things seriously now more than before. No longer would I keep on going back to get what I want. If I sensed that I wasn't wanted I'd leave without looking back.

'You're like a drug to me, Snape', I said softly. 'If there was a way to get myself away from feeling this attached to you, I might have took it up years ago. I'm addicted to loving you. Don't do this to me.'

Silently I got up with my eyes on him. His head was bent and it was obvious that he was crying. I began to walk towards the door sobbing as I went. Wiping my face with my right sleeve, I felt like picking up a book and hurling it towards him, trying to knock some feeling into him. He was such an asshole! Fuck! I grabbed at my hair, holding fistfuls of it in both hands and I groaned. This was what our future had in store? Oh fuck!

Reaching for the doorknob without wasting time, I began to turn it. I quickly let out a gasp, struggling to breathe as I felt him behind me. And before I could stabilise my mind and feelings, his body was pressing against mine and I could feel his breath on my neck as his face lay inches away from my bare skin.

**(Snape)**

Am I allowed to relate my story to you? What I felt and what was occurring within me as we ventured through that discussion? Everyone favours the moment when all that is left is giving up...where I surrender myself to him and where I take him without even thinking.

It was never like that for me. Things were never that easy for me at all. And the reason why I behaved so closed up and insecure was simple: I was afraid. That is the way I acted when I became afraid of things. I'd begin to withhold information from people. I'd even begin to deliberately push that person away because of that fear edging at the corners of my mind. Different folks, different strokes, am I correct?

But what was I to make of it all when Harry quickly figured out my condition? Not only had he figured it out but he had also begun to analyse the truth, my faults and my choices. Had I not told you this before: I believed him to be that sort of person that always would surprise me at everything? When I least desired it, Harry would startled me with his actions. He was unpredictable and it frightened me to have him before me as I was fully aware that he was putting two and two together to decipher the truth behind me abandoning the search for him after all these years.

However, I couldn't let him slip away from me. I just couldn't allow that to happen because had he only walked out that door tonight and left me there, I would have died fully inside. We both ached to know of the truth, and we both wanted answers but it was difficult on my side to relate such to him. What could I have said?

_Harry I have had cancer for the past two years and I just couldn't seek you out in fear of you believing that I had become a hopeless cause. I also found out that you seemed to be happily married and having dignity, I left you alone. Not only did I decide to spare you the inconvenience of having me in your life again in such a condition, but I also had decided that the only way to make you happy was for me to leave you alone._

No I couldn't say that. In fact, he did say that to me, speaking on behalf of me, thinking what I thought. So I stood there gazing out the window, contemplating on what to say to him, how to put the truth into considerate words. And then when I glanced around, he was leaving me. He was almost at the door before I forced my feet to take me to him, tears burning in my eyes.

I suddenly realised that this wasn't the teenage boy that I had come to love. He was now a man before me that had stable emotions and independent feelings, choices. So if I acted as if I desired nothing more than for him to leave me alone, he would leave. He wouldn't linger on to try to win me over like he used to. He wouldn't come forth to force me to see reason. He'd walk away if I acted as if I wanted him to.

As quickly as I could, I went across the floor, every joint inside my body aching as I used up enough energy for one desired walk which had transformed into a run. I was out of breath by the time I was behind him. And bringing my face too close to his hair then below his ear, I pressed my body against his. Immediately he ceased turning the doorknob and his fingers whispered away from it. I felt his body tense up as he felt me behind him and when I leant in to breath unto his neck, he lost control. His body suddenly lost all tension and then he was letting his head fall back as I began to feel the passion within me threaten to drive me up the wall.

**(Harry)**

'Snape', I whispered as I tried to turn around to face him but he kept me where I was, holding me wedged between him and the door.

'You're leaving me again, Harry?' he asked in a throaty voice and yet I could still detect the silkiness to his voice. 'Where are you going?'

His hands were already roaming the front of my body as I contemplated an answer. My head was thrown back as I felt his fingers whisper against the front of my shirt and the buttons were becoming undone. He took his time to seek out every button, one by one he went and I became tormented even more. Resting my hands on his arms I felt myself losing sanity at such an early time that I wondered what would happen as we progressed with our feelings.

'I'm sorry', I said for no reason at all. I wondered why I had even said it. 'I don't know what I was doing.'

'You were going out the door', he said as his fingertips grazed my bare chest sending tendrils of electric bolts through my body. I had to surrender to moan since it was my way of responding to those thrills passing through me. 'Don't leave me, Harry. _Don't_ –' and having enough of it, I became aggressive.

Pushing back against him, I created distance between us that I dreaded. But in a flash I had spun around and was facing him. I used my desperate hands to seek out the front of his shirt and I pulled him towards me. Words were coming short for me. It happens when your mind is occupied with feelings that seem to be coming in a rush. And when I felt our erections nudge together, I became that animal that had always been stirring within me over the years behind. That passionate animal that had always been awaiting the opportunity to savage him, to tear him apart with hunger, without fear: that was me now.

'You have tormented me fully enough', I whispered into his face as our lips lay inches apart. 'I'm not going to leave here until you give me what you have owed me for years now.'

**(Snape)**

He was threatening to become fully aggressive before me. And my confession: I thoroughly loved every bit of it. Harry was like a winding path with surprises around every damn corner. He would never ever cease to awe me. And little did he realise that I wasn't finished as yet with tormenting him further for I found delight in such games. He'd have plenty of time left to understand my character when it came to love. But in this situation, the passion between us was extremely severe and unlike anything I had ever felt before in my life. Not that I had many partners whom I loved.

But he had placed himself before me and there was only one thing I could do. 'I don't know what you're talking about', I said forcing a false expression of confusion. 'What do I owe you?'

'Oh so you _don't_ know?' he asked with an evil glint in his flashy green eyes.

I toed the carpet with my right shoe and stepped back slowly, my eyes level with his. Our lips that were barely a few inches away were now more than a foot apart. He was losing control and I could see it in his eyes, his face as he registered my movement as I created distance between us. He'd come after me. I was certain that he would.

'Stop playing games', he said childishly and I laughed at how the man before me reminded me of that teenager I had known years ago who never would cease daring me to take him. However, as I watched his lips twitch into a smile I stepped back further.

When he reached out to grab me, I jerked my body from his reach. And I bit the insides of my cheeks to regain a serious face.

'Snape don't do that. I warn you. I don't like it when people play games with me.' And he stood there waiting on me to respond.

'You sound like a child still, Harry', I said with my back now against the wall. 'Are you certain that you've grown up or are you still uncertain of what you want?'

He looked hurt. 'I was never uncertain of what I wanted.'

'Then what have you always wanted?' I asked trying to look puzzled.

A soft wind blew in from outside stirring up my wind chimes that were situated right above where we stood. He could turn around and storm out the door. But I was already deeply savouring the fun of torturing him minute by minute.

'You!' he answered in disbelief and surveyed me as if I was crazy. 'What is _wrong_ with you?'

I shook my head. 'If you want me, then why are you standing there? After all these years, Harry and you're going to remain standing there I don't –'

'Come here', he said firmly as he now strode towards me, anger flashing in his green eyes. 'I'm fed up waiting on you, fed up waiting to see what you're going to do.' And he grabbed the front of my shirt with one hand then crushed his lips unto mine.

This time when we kissed our lips burnt from the passionate fire that was beginning to flicker within us. And as his tongue flicked against mine hotly like a flame dancing around in the wind, I felt that feeling of sincere bliss coming forth finally. When Harry grabbed fistfuls of my hair and threw my head forcefully back, I moaned as our lips parted from each other's. And even before I could catch myself, he had forced himself forward to devour me once more, our heads turning this way and that as we tried in vain to get enough of each other.

Gripping his shoulders, my breaths coming quick I slid my hands up his bare neck then I grabbed fistfuls of his dark dishevelled hair. He then pressed against me, his erection firm beside mine as we rubbed heatedly against each other, the fever burning through our skin. And my head began to grow extremely dizzy as I fought for air but decided that it was worth dying in his arms as passion attempted to murder me.

This feeling: this tormenting passion, want, desire, need, ecstasy, lust: did many people actually feel this when they were with someone they loved? It felt maddening, utterly wild and alive. Our body chemistry was so in tune with one another that it was amazing to believe that being with another would satisfy me as much as he was.

'Ravish me, Harry', I whispered pulling away. 'I need you _so much_, I need more of you. I –'

'Shhh', he said and I felt his arms wrap around my waist. He was now walking with me towards the chair, me backing up and he moving forward. 'I'll give you all I have. That much I had always promised you.'

**(Harry)**

Since my shirt was open down the front, he took no time to get his fingers back down there. I felt them whisper against my bare skin as we approached the two cushioned chair. And as he pulled me arms out of the sleeves of my denim jacket, I devoured his mouth once more with radical passion. My tongue sought out his once more and as they both continued their hungry dance alongside each other, I took time to savour his smell. But it was too much. We were both forced to pull out from that lustful kiss as we then breathed into each other's mouths, our lips slightly parted. My head was dancing like a cobra as the heat between us continued to drive us up the wall.

When my jacket was thrown to the carpeted floor beneath us, I worked on his once more but this time I took my time to get his arms out of his shirt sleeves. His skin was soft to my touch, already glistening with sweat that only excited me more. And without taking his mouth once again, I used my hand to tilt his head to the side as I had in mind one thing that he had performed on me before. Finding the corner where his neck met his shoulder: that soft spot of his, I licked his skin lightly. He moaned loudly as my hot tongue flickered against his already heated skin that was shining with sweat. And then I chose to chew his skin softly, my teeth grazing unto that smooth flesh that smelt only of Perry Ellis and Brute aftershave.

'_Oh_ Harry', he breathed into the palm of my hand, the one that was resting at the other side of his cheek. And his teeth were closing around my fingers as I continued to nibble my way up his neck towards his earlobe. Using my teeth as well, I closed them around the bottom of his earlobe and I sucked his skin between my teeth softly. This only caused his teeth to close around my fingers more forcing me to moan as the soft dull throbbing pain ensued from that spot.

'I-I'm going to...fall', he warned as I felt his knees buckle against mine. And I wrapped my arms around his waist as he fell back into the chair, me tumbling after him.

Laughing, I forced him to do so as well. It was a rare sight to see the man before me actually laugh and I tried to enjoy that moment, allowing his widening smile to become permanently etched in my mind.

So now he was still sitting up and I was once again somehow on his lap again. His legs were parted a little and I noticed that his erection was straining within his black jeans. Using my fingers once more, my eyes focused there and my legs spread out, one on either side of his waist I unbuckled his black leather belt and pulled it off. Draping it on the arm of the chair, I began to work on his jeans button that came undone in a second and I was zipping his pants. All the while he had his eyes on me as I worked my way on. Looking up, I saw him smile and bite his lips. Then as he seemed to lose control, he took me by my shoulders and pulled me towards him.

When our lips met again it was his time to ravish my mouth. I felt his kiss this time as he took full control. He had a different way of kissing: slow and sensual. I felt his lips move against mine and then he did that one thing that once before curled my toes. Biting my bottom lip a little, he pulled at it and then closed the distance between our lips once more. His fingers were gently whispering against my cheek as he continued to kiss me slow and meaningful, and yet it was filled with complete passion and concentration. I loved it.

'I love you, Harry', he whispered into my ear as our lips pulled apart from each other. When my hands touched the bulge in his pants he winced so I continued to do what I had been doing before.

Sliding his pants down, taking one leg then the other out I parted his legs a little more as I my eyes focused on his thick penis that was straining within his boxers. By the way: Snape wears boxers (smiles wickedly).

'Shall I continue?' I asked with a wicked smile on my face.

'_Yess_', he pleaded, his eyes unfocused, as ecstasy continued to threaten to take him to the edge. And then his fingers were tracing lines through my hair as he now used his hands to bring my face closer to his front. 'You're driving me _crazy_, Harry', he breathed.

I pulled down his boxers and rested them on his pants that were draped on the arm of the chair. Then my eyes met his bare penis before me. I had never seen his before but had only managed to allow my fingers to close around him through cloth. Now you could definitely understand how I was feeling to have him finally before me naked. And before I continue, I should alert you on what a good body he had. Apart from scars about his chest and down his arms, especially the dull etching of what remained of the Dark Mark; Snape's body was invitingly gorgeous. His arms were muscular and so were his legs all the way down to his calves. As for the rest of his body, my fingers itched to trace lines across his flesh as he lay before me with on the chair.

I must admit that I had never given a blowjob to another human being before. This would be my first and I was a bit hesitant at first on what to do or if I was going to do it right. Nevertheless, I held unto his penis with one hand and brought it towards my mouth. When my lips closed around just the tip of his erection, he threw his head back and moaned loudly. I then took more of him within my mouth and when I closed my teeth around Snape's penis, it was unbelievable but I felt him harden further. I began to work my mouth around him, taking him full within my mouth and then out again. And all the while he continued to moan, bucking his hips towards me as he tried to take over thrusting himself into my mouth. I allowed him to.

'Fuck', he whispered as I continued to work him using my mouth. His chest was dripping with sweat, beads rolling down his cheek and along his chiselled tummy as I pumped him quick and silent. His moans continued to rise and he would occasionally glance up to the ceiling or down at me, his hands grabbing fistfuls of my hair he me would take over. I could feel him about to orgasm for it was evident in the way he was writhing before me. So taking him from my mouth, saving said mouth to ravish him with kisses to come, I began to work him using my hands as I now got upon his knees. I wrapped my legs around his waist as I worked him faster and his hands went around my body, his fingers digging into the flesh on my back.

**(Snape)**

I could definitely feel myself about to come as his hands continued to jerk me senseless. And with my eyes watering yet focused on him, I found myself gasping as this maddening sensation engulfed me from head to toe. From my waist down became so weak that I wondered if I would be able to walk if I was forced to at the moment. And it was evident to me that I had never experienced such an oncoming orgasm before. It would come hard on me, and it would send me pelting off the edge of sanity. But unlike before, there was no pain to this. Everything was gloriously inviting and satisfying.

Harry seemed to know how exactly to touch me, he knew where to work his mouth to drive me crazy. And it alarmed me enormously to actually believe that there was this one person who was so equipped with knowledge about me and my body.

Looking into his eyes, I came in his hands. My eyes fluttered close and my lips remained parted as the sensation washed over me. It was like being washed over with a cool wave after being beaten down in the sun for over a day. It was then that I suddenly remembered that it was a long time since I had an opportunity to give in to becoming completely spent. And it wasn't long before I realised that I needed to have him between my fingers as well. I needed to touch him once more, to feel his length through my hands.

'Erotic and kinky', he said smiling and using his fingers, he proceeded to gently brushing my hair from out of my face. 'I wonder whose turn it is now.'

I fixed my eyes on his green ones and it was my turn to smile. 'Are you _sure_?'

His gaze remained on me as he climbed off from my lap, removing his legs from around my waist. I then watched as he manoeuvred himself unto the chair beside me and there he sat stretched out like a proud cat about to have his belly scratched until he mewed with ecstasy. Never before had I been presented with a chance to make love to another man. I had never been given the opportunity to take full control over satisfying anyone and here he was demanding that I take over. Could I do it?

Turning to face his stretched out body, I moved closer to him as my eyes remained on the front of his trousers. I then used trembling fingers that were unsure of themselves to unbutton his pants. When his fly was down, I took hold of either side of his pants and pulled them down slowly, keeping my eyes steady on his erection. As I could remember before, Harry had proven himself to be more that mature enough at such a young age. Now as my eyes rested on his penis within his navy blue brief, I was only allowed to swallow a gasp at the sight that greeted me. He was even thicker than I was. And when my fingers managed to pull down his brief, my eyes lifted to meet his. Those cool green eyes were surveying me, flashing with hunger and excitement.

'Now you're tormenting me', he said in a low voice that was laced with pleasure. 'Does my underwear say 'Go Slow'?'

Chuckling, I was forced to regain a straight face as I felt myself becoming erect again. 'You are so unaware of who's in control here. I fear that I must warn you to guard your tongue.' And I smiled, my fingers inches away from his throbbing penis.

'I just want you to do one thing for me', he said rising a little off the chair, his eyes on mine.

I swallowed. 'And what is that?'

He took fistfuls of my hair between his fingers and pulled my face down closer to his front. 'Make me scream', he whispered below me. 'I've always wanted that...for you to do that. _Work_ me, Severus. Work me _hard_. Go on.'

Taking that as my queue, my fingers closed around his thick shaft that felt soft to my touch. He was already dripping with pre-cum and I gently used my right thumb to circle my way around the tip of his thickness. Mewing, he held unto my shoulders as I then closed my lips around his bare flesh. I drove my hands up his chest as he engulfed my entire mouth and then I began to pump him. In, out then in...I continued this, feeling my erection throbbing beneath me against the chair cushion. And had I desired it, I could have massaged my way to an orgasm using the friction beneath me. But that would happen later.

Harry just continued to lift his lower body up towards my face, thrusting into my mouth as he groaned and moaned with his eyes focused on the ceiling. 'Oh God, Snape if you...' he moaned, 'if you...I _need_ you inside of me, please', he begged. '_Please_.'

'Just relax', I said as my mouth became free of him.

'Re-relax?' he asked bewildered. 'I can't do that. Fuck!'

'You want me to fuck you?' I asked softly with my hands wrapping themselves around his waist.

He nodded fiercely so I used that opportunity to gather my strength. Getting up I discovered that my knees had regained composure as well so I lowered my body to lift him up using both of my arms. And it was then that he chose to get up on his own accord.

Harry had grown more than enough over the past few years and he was now a bit taller than I was. His lean body was compact with muscles that rippled as he flexed his arms and moved his legs and I only desired one thing. I wanted to have him spread out before me not on the chair but somewhere else. But before we could venture forth into my room just behind us, our lips met again sending bolts of electricity shooting through my body. My vision swam before me as his green eyes became a blur and I began to wonder if it would be like this every time we kissed one another.

**(Harry)**

Snape had this way with using his mouth. Oh shit! You can't even begin to imagine how torturous it was for me to lie there and have him give me a blowjob! Just like how he kissed slow and sensual, it was the very same when the time came for him to have me in his mouth. But that was after he discovered how thick I was.

I could vaguely remember being the centre of a joke in Hogwarts. Seamus, Dean, Ron, Fred, George and I were all seated in front of the fire on a late night when everyone had gone to bed. We were talking about girls and so on till it got to a point when most of us had gotten erections. Everyone laughed it off until the noticed that mine was straining a little too much within my pants.

_'Blimey', Seamus had said with his eyes wide as his eyes rested on me. 'You've got a lot there, Harry.'_

_'Watch yourself, Seamus you sound gay', Ron had said smiling. 'Seems like Harry has gotten a little too much of everything over us.'_

_And they all laughed even me who was blushing a little as well. 'No wonder girls drool after you.' And Dean had faked a saddened expression._

And when his eyes had rested on my erection for the first time, I saw the surprise flicker in his dark eyes. It made me smile only to have that smile wiped away when his mouth closed over me. Now as my back hit the soft baby blue sheets that covered his bed, I saw him move over me. His bare body was glistening with sweat and so was mine. I just couldn't get enough of him. I watched as he bent down over me, his black dishevelled hair falling like a tangled curtain around his face. And then his lips were on mine once again. As we kissed, it began to rain outside with thunder clapping above us.

It felt so dangerously satisfying to have him there with me alone. This was what I had always wanted: for us two to be alone like this. It had always been my dream for years now and that opportunity had presented itself here and now. I just couldn't believe it. And so my heart began to pound in my chest as his chest met mine, our nakedness illuminated under the yellow glow of the lamp attached to his wall.

I watched him reach over to his bedside vanity, his cheek resting against mine as he did so. And I ran my fingers through his hair. 'I've always wanted this', I whispered in his ear and I nibbled his earlobe.

'I know you have and so have I', he said lifting himself from off of me. And then he was opening a bottle containing some sort of oil for I saw it appear shiny as he squeezed some unto the palm of his right hand. Then he was rubbing both hands together, with his eyes on me. 'Have I ever told you how beautiful your green eyes are, Harry?'

I shook my head smiling. 'No but I know that they are.'

'Oh stop being so vain', he said smiling as he began to massage the oil unto my chest. As soon as the oil came into contact with my skin, it felt amazing. My skin began to tingle and before I knew it, my flesh began to burn every time he touched me, sending thrills through my body that weren't associated with anything that I had ever felt. It was like every cell in my body was becoming awakened.

'What_ is_ that?' I asked throwing my head back and letting out a moan as his fingers continued to go lower towards my throbbing erection. 'Geese that feels _good_.'

'It is my little work of art that I have been keeping just for you, my love.' And when he called me 'my love', my eyes watered. I smiled up at him and bit my lips.

'That's nice', was all I could manage to say as my vision blurred from tears.

His fingers stopped kneading my lower body. 'Am I hurting you?'

I shook my head. 'No, it's just that you called me...'

'When I called you my love?' he asked sadly and when I nodded he reached over me to gently brush his fingers over my eyes to wipe away my tears. 'Do not cry. You should know by now that I deeply love you, Harry. Words cannot begin to describe what you are to me.

'Snape', I said softly as he lifted my leg one at a time so that they became bent acutely.

'Hmmm?' and he shifted his position so that he was closer to me now. My eyes rested on his erect penis lying upon the sheet.

'I've always wanted to tell you that even when I was at the age of just fifteen years ago...Snape I really loved you and –'

'Harry I am fully aware of that', he said stopping what he was doing to listen keenly to what I was saying. 'I knew how deeply you loved me. Braving all odds, forgetting how we used to hate each other before that one night when we fell in love with each other: you still chose to love me endlessly. And I've always admired you for that.'

'I was so young and I wasn't sure of most things but I was sure of how I felt for you. Now I'm all grown up', and I smiled. He smiled and shook his head. 'And I still love you. Us...it's so strange isn't it?'

'Yes', he said still smiling, still looking at me. 'You and me: I have never been able to figure it out but this much I know. I know that I will _always_ love you. And it was wrong of me to abandon my search for you. You seem to have the power to heal me, Harry.'

'I know –'

'Shhh', he said as he squeezed more oil unto his palm then he began to massage my penis. I moaned. 'Enough talk for now. Let me show you how much I love you, Harry.'

So there I lay before him as his fingers worked their magic. And all I could feel was where he would happen to touch me. Therefore when his fingers whispered over my opening: where no one had ever touched me before, I gasped.

'Please tell me if I am hurting you', he said softly as his finger entered me. Sighing loudly, I shook my head and closed my eyes, savouring every moment as he began to awaken more feelings inside of me.

I felt another finger enter me then he was slowly massaging the lips of my anus with the oil. It only caused me to burn up as I desired hungrily for him to enter me. And then when I was about to comment on him torturing me by taking things slow, I felt him shift his position. My eyes fluttered open as I saw him move over me. Then he draped my right leg over his left shoulder and using his right leg, he kept my left leg below against the sheet. The position felt so comfortable and alright that I found no fear in the event about to unfold before me. I wasn't scared of feeling any pain whatsoever. And even if I did feel pain, I know that it was with him and he was there with me.

'Just relax, my love', he said, his voice velvety and soothing.

And then I first felt his erection nudge mine, then he was shifting positions. When the tip of his penis grazed against outside of my anus, I moaned. And then he was slowly entering me. As I felt myself stretch to accommodate his width, I tried to swallow a throaty scream as the dull pinch of pain presented itself. But then everything settled into place as he continued to drive his length into me and I realised that his penis had to be coated with the oil.

His hands were gently grabbing my slim waist as he used his grip to manoeuvre himself in and out of me slowly. And then he was picking up pace, trying as he might to get himself rubbing against my prostate.

'Ahh', I groaned out, more like a deep throaty groan as he picked up pace. 'Ohh!' I yelled and I began to whisper his name over and over again with every time he thrust into me.

Snape rode me hard and fast. We were at it for quite awhile, us both enjoying every moment as we both climbed to the edge. I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open all the time for the ecstasy ripping through my body was excruciatingly pleasurable. I moaned loudly, and then screamed his name, he moaned as well over me calling my name as well.

'I want you to come with me', he whispered with both palms pressed upon either side of me on the bedspread.

'Any second now', I moaned. I screamed.

Throwing my head back unto the pillow, I came and so did he for I felt him release himself within me. Gently lowering himself upon me, I wrapped my hands around him, one around his waist and the other around his neck, my fingers snaking their way through his dark hair moist with sweat. I kept him in my arms for a long time as we lay there in the dark after making love for the first time. And all I could do is allow my mind to wander back to every second of us making love with each other. I could remember every move he made and every word he whispered to me.

'This is what I want', he said pressing his cheek to mine, his fingers buried in my hair. 'I just want this: you. And I will be the happiest man alive.'

Smiling I kissed the top of his head several times before saying, 'our chemistry rocks. How can anyone ever understand what we feel for each other? I don't think many people feel this way. When you kiss me, I am forced to believe one thing and one thing only.

'And what is that?' he asked trying to turn his head to look into my eyes.

'I am forced to believe that you are the only one for me: the love of my life.'

'Aw Harry', he said shifting positions to face me, his lips inches away from mine. 'Every second that goes by when I cannot be with you, I just continue to feel as if I cannot breathe properly. That's why I have been so sickly. It is because of you being absent from my life. I just only wanted you and you alone, my love.'

We kissed softly in the dark because he had turned off the light. 'Baby, I will always love you. I'll help you to get well. And I'll never make you hurt', I said.

'You referred to me as your baby', he said smiling in the dark. 'That's...'

'A bit amateur?' I asked frowning.

'Naw', he said resting his lips against my forehead. 'Call me anything you want. I am yours.'

'Alright you dashing handsome half blood prince', I said and he laughed.

'Thank you.'

And we both fell asleep minutes after only to awake in the late hours of the following morning with one thought in mind: we had finally found each other and to us, that was all that really mattered.

_**Writer's note: (clears throat) alright so I stated in the previous chapter that this would be the last chapter that I'd present to you. But having my way with these characters, I feel compelled to give you more. I shall continue it; I don't know how farther I will take it. But it might be two chapters the most alright? For some of you, I believe I owe you that much for sticking with me until now.**_

_**One more thing: I know the chapter was a bit slow but I wanted to capture everything in detail for you. I wanted you to feel every second of it. By the way, I have always loved the idea of foreplay so that was why I chose to allow Harry and Snape to have a bit of fun with each other first off the bat. **_

_**Psst! I still haven't given you one bit of it all. Harry still has to have his way with Snape if you don't mind. A story is never finished with just one of them reaching the finishing line first. So stick around. You're in for a treat when green eyes decide to surprise the man he loves.**_

_**THANKS!**_


	16. Chapter 16

**Hi there once again! I'm soo sorry that this chapter took so long to pop up. But I was soo busy with going on trips and reading...watching NCIS, meeting Nuns to play tennis...that's right. And I was also getting prepared to go back to Univ. The funny thing is...last year when I started Univ I was hooked to Harry Potter and this year I was saying hey I don't have anything to distract me now so I'm just going to concentrate on my work.**

**But guess what? I'm now hooked to NCIS and I cannot get off of it! Can I share this with you? If you do watch NCIS I think at times that Gibbs reminds me of Snape and Dinozzo reminds me of Harry in some ways. I'm rambling off like Dinozzo now and Harry when he's nervous. Ah well.**

**One more thing before you go on to read the chapter. I'm so sorry for ending it here but I have been suffering from writer's block with Harry Potter fanfiction. I have begun to try writing NCIS Slash and it is working out just fine. Not saying that I'm going to forget about writing for H.P! But I cannot carry stories on after 15 chapters. It discourages me and many readers who see stories with so many chapters, yes? **

**In addition to that I am still struggling with my English because I am from Israel and the Hebrew is killing me. Any mistakes are my fault all in all. That is right, I am as hopeless as Ziva David...except that she is officially from Chile and I am now live not far from there.**

**oOoOoOo**

**(Harry)**

So the week after we met up I had a neat plan up my sleeve for Snape. Well now I had gotten around to calling him Severus but I'd rather use his last name when I'm relating it to you now.

I now knew of this lovely hideaway in Godric's Hollow that would allow my plan to work out just fine. And I had to do this for him to show him how much I loved and adored him.

The place was called 'The Loft' and it was basically this small restaurant that was located on the roof of a three storey building. But it wasn't your average restaurant. This place was so romantic with the perfect lighting and cosy soft cushioned chairs, wine and candlelight and even absolute privacy. You see, most of the sections were walled off giving anyone complete privacy if they desired it. And that was what I knew that we both needed.

I had been working all week with the Ministry, tracking down people that were once so set on getting me killed. And Snape had been stuck at home after catching a head cold that had him so sick and quiet that I just needed to cheer him up.

I don't know but whenever I'd talk about him to Hermione, Ron, Ginny or even Luna for that matter, I'd feel so happy. My head would become so dizzy with love for him and I'd find myself smiling a little too much when he was mentioned around them. Snape had become everything to me in just a week and the little we knew of each other was the most either of us could ever have. So therefore, the chemistry between us continued to burn on heatedly.

Alright now, it was just around six o'clock now and I was in the elevator on my way upstairs in my soiled clothes after trekking somewhere in the far east of London for some Death Eater I had never heard about. It took me across a mountain, streams and even among thorns before I could have found his hideaway and let's just say that Gregory Goyle and Carl Crabbe were now in Azkaban together. I should be rejoicing but the blood on my hands and my torn shirt and pants made me look absolutely like a madman.

Nearing the apartment I knew he was home but he might be asleep so I took out my key and slid it into the lock. Even before I could push the door open Snape was already pulling me inside, his eyes shadowed with concern and sadness.

'Harry', he said in a strained voice as I allowed him to take my hands and lead me inside, 'what happened to you?'

I noticed that his skin was clammy and pale and his dark eyes were blotchy. He had on just a long sleeved jersey and a sweat pants. Gosh he looked so terrible and I wanted to help him to get better faster but the medication only had limited remedies available. It would take time. And all I could do at the present moment was to make his life a little better as he fought the cold.

'Let's just say that two of your classmates are now in Azkaban', I said and pressed my lips onto his right cheek then his left which felt warm against my bruised skin.

He allowed me to hold him, my arms wrapping around him as I did so. And we just stayed like that for awhile. It felt so good to be in his arms that on occasions like these I never actually wanted to let him go. If it was out of fear of losing him again, I don't know. But I just wanted to know that he was there and this was real for both of us.

'Which ones?'

'Crabbe and Goyle', I said moaning as he nibbled my air and then trailed kisses down my neck. 'But they don't look at sexy as you. Both got fully grey and _old._ When I say old I mean like Dumbledore _old._'

'Wow', he said laughing near my ear. 'I guess they mastered everything except the art of making your hair black once more.'

'Freaking lunatics. Look what they did', and I pulled my arm from around him to hold it up in front of his face. 'Hacked me with a knife and then I was pelting through thorn bushes, lashing out at my face, my arms.'

'Come', Snape said softly and he took my hand then pulled me towards the bedroom. 'Let me look after those wounds.'

He took time to unbutton my shirt and unzip my pants. I just sat at the edge of the bed as he worked on me and smiled for I liked the special treatment. And at times like these when someone wanted to just help me out, I'd welcome it all because sometimes that's just what a bloke needs right? Draping my torn jeans and black shirt near the foot of the bed, he went into the bathroom to fill the tub.

'Severus, it's going to hurt', I said in a small voice because the last thing I needed after a whole day filled with nothing but pain and aches was to step under the shower to have the pain increase further. 'I don't think –'

'You've experienced far worst pain than this, Harry. I don't expect you to cringe at such a thing.'

'But Severus –'

'Harry don't make me start on you', he said stepping out from the bathroom and surveying me with those dark eyes registering the expression of 'oh please don't make me come over there'.

'But Severus –'

'Harry _get_ in here', he said toeing the mat in front of the door, his dark eyes shadowed with impatience.

'But I don't _want_ to. It's going to hurt like hell', I pleaded.

'That's it', he said coming into the room towards me. Before I could fight with him he had one strong arm around me and the other was below my butt as he hoisted me a little off the ground. My arms flailed around me as he carried me into the bathroom, and a round of laughter was bubbling up inside of me. Dragging me to the white bathtub, he stepped inside pants and all and pulled me in after him.

'Alright, alright!' I said pushing away a little laughing. My eyes were dancing with tears and amusement. 'I'll do as you say. Just...you can't step in here with your pants and all.'

His expression remained serious, his dark eyes just cold and his lips set into a thin line. I began to slowly reach for the tap that was running, trying my best to get to it to turn it off. The tub was not half full as yet and well, the least amount of warm water that was there the better for me. But then his eyes snapped to my moving hand and he was stepping towards me.

'Don't you dare', he said grabbing my hands behind my back and pressing me against the wall. I quickly pressed my lips to his and then pulled back smiling. Then I was laughing uncontrollably. 'Harry!' he said letting go of my hands and he was cracking up as well, holding unto me as he bent his head to laugh out. 'You're still...like a kid you know that? So playful.'

'And you like that don't you?' I asked grabbing the bottom of his jersey and pulling it upwards then over his head.

'I don't –' he said holding my hands to stop me from unzipping his pants. 'I already took a bath before you came in.'

'Ah come on, all you have to do is keep me company in this small tub. It will be like basking in the sun or something.'

'Very funny, Harry', he said now allowing me to pull down his pants and he was stepping out of it, his hands resting on my shoulders. 'I'm supposed to be the one taking care of you...your wounds and –'

'But you are taking care of my wounds. After not seeing you for an entire day this is like what I need right now: for you to be with me.'

'In here?' he asked in disbelief and then he was shaking his head smiling, 'you are a piece of work when it comes to charming people with your words. You're just like your father in that area.'

I screwed up my face at the reference. 'Forget about him. I don't think he'd be exactly happy at the idea of us two being together like this.'

'I know', Snape said, 'now sit down nice and easy.'

'You like to give orders don't you?' I asked easing myself down into the warm water, wincing as my bruised legs began to itch with pain.

Without replying he took the green wash cloth and flipped open the cap of a bath lotion. Minutes after working the lotion into the cloth he was now caressing my body, the dull scent of blueberries engulfing us within the small bathroom. He massaged my chest, my upper arms and then made a trail along my belly down to my penis that wasn't hard at the moment. I figured that it was the fact that the water was a bit warmer than usual.

But I was wrong when he reached in with the hand free from the cloth and his fingers closed around me. I immediately sighed, my eyes closing as he gently washed around my pelvic area, taking time to work along my upper thighs that were bruised.

Snape had a way with his hands, his fingers that were long and graceful. And as they lightly worked their way across my bruised skin I couldn't help but feel as if just by touching he could make the bruises go away.

'Weird', I moaned as he went behind me and then I felt his hands resting on either shoulder as he stepped into the bathtub. I couldn't help but smile slightly as I felt him slide in behind me; his hands were now running down my chest sending shivers down my spine. My head began to spin when his fingers touched the tip of my penis and instantly I felt myself harden beneath his touch. Oh he was good.

'What is weird?' he asked softly as his arms wrapped around me and pulled me towards him, our bare chests meeting, my head leaning back to rest on his right shoulder.

'Your fingers', I said softly as I felt his penis press between my buttocks hard and thick.

'Harry you smell so good.'

I tried to peer around at him. 'But I smell like sweat and dirt.'

Snape laughed. 'All the better. Look at me, love.'

Holding my chin he turned me around, my eyes were now on his. And then he pressed his lips onto mine, his right hand resting on my cheek. My eyes closed as I kissed him back slow and deep, our lips wet and warm, and fire dancing within us as we felt the passion ignite automatically. This was the feeling of bliss: utter loss of reality as I kissed him, he touched me tenderly or we whispered loving words to each other.

'I have a surprise for you', I said when we pulled away, my fingers still in his dark hair.

'Oh really?' he asked smiling. 'And what is that surprise?'

Fingering his hair I bit my lips then smiled. 'It requires us going out of here though to somewhere that I've chosen.'

'Harry I don't think I can leave to go outside. I am not feeling absolutely well at the moment.'

'Come on!' I begged and I did my best imitation of my puppy dog eyes, pouting too. 'You have to come. You can wear a sweater plus I'll be there with you. It will make you feel loads better.'

It took some more begging to finally get him to agree but he did in the end. And as I stood before him buttoning up the denim jacket (that's right, he had grown to love wearing my jacket) I was reminded of how I always got this feeling now of being complete. It was like if it only took Snape to make me feel safe, secure and whole. I no longer felt alone nor depressed but happy every day seemed to be filled with sunshine and glory. I sometimes felt like I smiled all day, appearing a little too 'gay' for my own good.

I couldn't help but admire him in his lime green long sleeve shirt and black jeans. His dark hair was hanging loose around his pale face and it made him look very close to the man I had known in Hogwarts except for the light shining in his dark eyes every time they rested on me. And then he smiled more often now. That was one thing I had still to get used to about him. I figured that there were still many things that he still had to get used to about me as well.

But for now, I stood before the mirror admiring myself, turning here and there just to see if my blue jersey had any stains on it. I was holding the perfume bottle in my hand and was about to spray for the umpteenth time when his fingers closed around my hand.

'That is enough, Harry. Come on let us go before I fall asleep on you.'

I turned to face him and smiled. 'I wanna smell good.'

'You do smell alright enough! What do you want to do to me: engulf me in Brute all the way?'

'That was part of the idea except it didn't entail_ you_ alone. I was hoping to get the ladies' attention as –'

'You little devil!' he said grabbing me, my back pressing against him. Keeping my arms pinned to my side he walked me towards the door and then didn't let me go until we were in the elevator. I laughed all the way down onto the street below.

**(Snape)**

'When is your next doctor appointment again?' he asked as we walked along the Main Street of Godric's Hollow. My arm was draped around his neck, his jersey collar rubbing against my fevered skin and he had his right arm around my waist.

I sniffed before replying. 'This Tuesday, will you come with me?'

'Of course I will come with you!' he exclaimed in disbelief. 'Why ask that?'

'I was only _assuming_ that maybe you had to _work_.'

'Oh right', he said and I chuckled. We ended up laughing.

We walked along for awhile until he inquired after what form of cancer I had again. I didn't like speaking about it: my condition but it was Harry and I would tell him anything about me if he desired answers.

'It is referred to as 'Recurrent Breast Cancer' meaning –'

'I know what that means', he said using his left hand to reach under my shirt to caress my bare chest. 'It means that it keeps coming back.'

'Anyway', and I laughed, 'the fancy medical term for it that my doctor uses is 'Ductal carcinoma in situ'. And that means that there is the presence of abnormal cells here...' I took his left hand then moved it to my upper chest, 'have formed a lining along a duct within my chest also called 'intraductal carcinoma'.'

Harry sighed. 'Geese I understand it all...it's just that medical terms kill me. I have to like use an excess of brain cells to interpret it all.'

'I understand that process for I had seen it numerous times when you were in my class.'

'Hey!' he said and nudged me using my hip. I laughed.

'It is between stage 1 and 2 though so it hasn't spread further within my body. It doesn't mean that it cannot do so. But it has remained like this for over a year so...'

'So you have to keep going through chemo?'

I looked up at the sky and shivered a little as a cold wind swept towards and around us. It was then that Harry pulled me closer. 'There is some talk about surgery to remove what is there but...'

He allowed silence between us, anticipating me continuing. 'I am a wizard, Harry and certain things like that scare me even though...Even though I am not a muggle something can still go wrong and I can –'

'Don't say it', he said grabbing my hand a little too hard. 'I don't want you to say 'I' and that word in the same sentence.'

'It is just reality, Harry.'

'Still', he said softly. 'So you don't want to go through the surgery.'

I shrugged. 'I don't know. I need –'

'Your doctor's advice, I know.'

I turned to look at him and could detect the flicker of hurt in his green eyes. 'Harry what –'

'We're here', he announced cutting me off and I couldn't help but sigh. 'You'll love it, now', and he took a long strip of cloth from out of his jeans pocket, 'I have to –'

'Blindfold me? Harry this is so weird and I am not sure –'

'Just trust me', he said reaching around me to cover my eyes with the cloth and then I felt the two ends being tied together behind my head.

Holding my hand our fingers entwined, he pulled me forward. 'There's a stairs ahead of us.'

'If I fall I am going to have revenge somehow for this.'

I heard him laugh and then his hand was holding my right leg, lifting it up to rest on the first stair before me. 'Oh I am soo scared.'

'You wouldn't be able to walk for a good while after if I fall, Harry.'

'Really?' he asked and I heard the amusement in the tone of his voice. 'Maybe I should let you fall or something, miss a step, maybe stumble...'

'Harry if you –'

'Don't make me yell that I'm here and a blindfolded guy is trying to attack me in the dark, Sev. Do you have any idea what they do to perverts around here especially a blindfolded one that would appear to be groping for a young man like myself? And what will happen when they realise it's _the_ Harry Potter?'

'I'll shut up now', I said giving in although I knew that he wouldn't do as he stated. I wanted nothing more than to play around with him further, tease and torment him. But I was somehow feeling a bit exhausted.

I was glad when the stairs ended and we were walking along a well enough horizontal floor. Our shoes tapped lightly against the surface as we went and I began to wonder where he had taken me. It had to be some secluded place but I had never heard of such a place in Godric's Hollow. Confessing though, I had never really taken an opportunity to even seek out such a place before. Leave it to Harry to find every corner around a place. His adventurous side never would cease to amaze me.

'Alright', I heard him say finally and then his fingers were brushing at the back of my head as he untied the cloth. 'You can look now.'

The first detail of what was before that caught my eyes immediately was the candlelight. There was a table before me with three beautiful red candles upon it standing erect. When my eyes chose to survey the rest of the area I became breathless. We were on a balcony that overlooked Main Street and in the distance I could clearly see some sort of a lake that I had never set eyes on before or had never known to exist. The moonlight was casting an eerie glow around us as I stood there with him. The wind rustling the leaves in the trees somewhere below made my surroundings feel romantically satisfying.

'Harry this is...' I had to breathe in deeply enough to gather composure. 'This is amazing.'

'Well I'm glad you like it', he said taking my hand and pulling me forward. 'But there's more, come.'

He led me to sit upon the soft red leather cushioned armchair that was positioned near the table and after unscrewing the cap from the wine on the table, I watched as he poured it into two tall glasses.

'Happy Anniversary', he exclaimed lifting the glass up to a toast, the red liquid softly glimmering in the candlelight.

'Really? I don't...'

'Seven years ago on a night like tonight...when our eyes met something did change within us for the first time. It was the first time I fell in love with you Severus and I'll never ever forget that moment for as long as I live. Do you remember that night?'

I couldn't believe that Harry had remembered the exact date and moment when we had first fallen in love with each other. Of course I remembered that memory but the date was lost within my mind. To have him remember made me feel entirely special that I couldn't help but feel the tears burning behind my eyelids as he looked back at me.

'Harry I do remember I...' and I had to bow my head, feeling my hair falling like a curtain around my face as I felt more than one tear slip away, 'I am at a loss for words. I don't know what to say except that right now you have succeeded in making...making me feel so special, what we have...I...'

When I felt him throw a leg over my feet and sit down upon my lap I couldn't help but lift my head to gaze into his green eyes. They were sparkling with tears as well and I felt so relieved that the event had the same impact on him as well.

'I know how it feels', he said softly using his thumb to caress my cheek then my lips. 'It only feels this way when you realise that you have something so special with someone that it feels unreal. I am still fighting to believe what I have here is truly happening. I just have to remind myself of one thing when I'm in doubt though.'

I rested a palm on either side of his face and used my fingertips to rub my way around the back of his neck. 'What is that?'

'I love you', he whispered, his lips lying inches away from mine. 'I just have to remember that.'

'I love you too and I always will', I said and the feeling within me was overbearing so I was forced to close the distance between us.

When we kissed the world around us disappeared. I could only feel Harry against me and the heat of his body as he moved in my lap. His fingers ran through my hair, his fingertips leaving trails of heated excitement along the way. I could only close my eyes, hearing myself moan along with him as we devoured each other's mouths. My tongue sought out his as if it was the first time it was performing this duty. Our heated lips moved over the other intensely, passionately.

Leaning my head this way and that, I kept the rhythm slow and deep. When he chose to bite my bottom lip lightly, pulling at it as he gazed into my eyes I could only feel myself losing all control of my senses.

'This is what I can never understand', he said as we managed to break the kiss, our lips lying slightly apart as we breathed into each other's mouths, faces. 'I can never get enough of you. Every time I kiss you it feels like the first time.'

Reaching forward I tilted his head and I began to nibble along his neck, his shoulder. And when he called out my name I felt obliged to slip my hands under his jersey just to feel his warm skin beneath my fingertips. He lifted himself a little way out of my lap then sat back down with my erection wedged between his legs and then he began to grind against me. It was my turn to call out his name.

'We have all the privacy we need', he whispered into my ear as I allowed him to have full control. Seconds after he had me lying on the floor, our positions reversed unlike the first time I made love to him.

'I'm not going to ask how you want it because it's my turn to show you what I know.'

'I'm not going to ask then', I said forcing a smile after my erection began to pain from being strangled within my jeans that was beginning to feel three sizes smaller. 'Make love to me, Harry.'

'My intentions are clearer than expected then', he said with a bright smile on his handsome face.

On his knees with one leg on either side of me as I lay there, he unbuttoned my jacket and then my shirt. One by one he unbuttoned my shirt from the bottom trailing kisses along my stomach as he did so. I tried to fix my eyes on him as he worked but would only be forced to gaze up into the sky as a trembling moan would escape from within me. My body was shaking as his hot tongue flicked against my bare heated skin, and I felt as if I was slowly becoming ignited from inside.

My hands shook as they tried to grab onto his hands that were rubbing their way along my chest. And I then my zipper was down, and Harry was pulling my jeans down slowly. His fingertips felt like dots of fire against my skin as he freed me from within my boxers and then his hot hands were around me making me tremble even more from ecstasy. I immediately sighed when my hard penis sprang out free from the restraints within my pants and even before I could catch my breath his lips were closing around the tip of my shaft. My back arched as he began to suck me with his mouth, his tongue licking me, flicking against the tip of my penis like a teasing snake.

'Harry...I'm not going to last long', I moaned as he began to pump me using his mouth. I began to thrust my hips up just so that I could get more of my erection buried inside his hot mouth.

His fingers were digging into the flesh of my buttocks as he sucked me and when I came spurting more than once into his throat he never did remove me from his mouth. When he finally did, I almost felt entirely spent until he was pulling me up then he had me in a kneeling position with my palms pressing into the soft carpet beneath me. I realised that I hadn't even gotten a chance to touch him where he had touched me since he had started on me. But his zipper I heard as he slipped out of his jeans and then his fingers were digging once again into the flesh of my bare buttocks as he pulled them apart.

'Bloody hell', I gasped when his finger entered me up to the first knuckle. Before my body could become adjusted to this new entry a second finger entered me sending bolts of hot pain along my spine. Somehow I wanted more of him and I found myself pushing back to force his fingers to delve deeper within my anus.

He began to rub his hand over my back as he worked his fingers within me. And then he pulled out only to have me feel the cold tip of his hard thick penis rubbing against my already tight hole. Had he lubricated before he decided to enter me? I found out that he didn't when the tip of him entered me slowly and everything stayed that way for a few seconds. He was allowing me to become adjusted to the size of him within me but I wanted more. I wanted him entirely inside me immediately.

'Deeper', I commanded now with my elbows resting upon the carpet, my eye stinging with tears from pleasure.

The last time I had been bottomed still remained etched at the back of my memory as a painful and terrible experience. Lucius had always desired the upper hand to fuck me hard and rough leaving me in deep pain after. But with Harry it was completely different for although he did not choose to lubricate, the pain was less severe than I could imagine. I do not know if it was the mere fact of his hands massaging my body as he positioned himself to enter me but whatever it was it was working.

Resting both palms on my back, he entered me fully. I suddenly realised that he had lubricated himself somehow because he entered me smoothly and slowly, his fingertips digging into my flesh as his length pushed further inside my anus. When our hot and sweaty thighs were pressing against each other, he began to pull out slowly only to thrust in once again leaving me to gasp out loud as he firmly rubbed against my prostate.

'How does...it feel?' he whispered as his hands worked their way along my back and he pumped in keeping the rhythm slow and easy.

I swallowed and dug my fingertips into the carpet under me, my eyes closed as I found myself climbing slowly to extreme bliss. 'Extra great', I breathed as he increased his speed.

His hands were now travelling down to my waist and then under my belly. When his fingers closed around my throbbing penis I threw my head back and breathed in. Working me between both hands, his chin resting upon my back I felt myself seconds away from falling over the edge.

'Are you going to come now?' he asked almost too sweetly for me to not smile. I nodded biting my lips as I prepared to let go. 'But I want to see you come.'

And as he pulled out of me, Harry turned me over to face him. As I lay there looking quizzically at him, he bent forward to enter me again.

'Harry!' I cried throwing my head back and after maybe three more thrusts I couldn't keep exact count for my head was pounding. My orgasm came hard leaving me shaking as I spurted over and over unto his lower chest. He came as well, throwing his head back calling my name out to the sky.

We lay minutes after in each other's arms covered in stale sweat and body fluids. I couldn't care less about what I was covered in and I hadn't even spared time to work the cleansing spell on either of us. It was different with Harry because I felt completely comfortable with him unlike with Lucius whom I couldn't stand after awhile. We felt raw together, entirely naked and fully aware of each other.

And when we finally managed to sit up I sighed. 'I wish that I could apparated with you into bed right now.'

'But I'm not finished as yet', he said pouting.

**(Harry)**

I finally was able to sip from my wine glass once more and Snape did the same as well. There we stood sitting next to each other on the soft cushioned chair in our jeans alone, his arm around my shoulder and mine teasingly moving towards the front of his pants.

'Do you only desire that?' he asked batting my hand away smiling. 'Let us talk.'

'About what?'

He sighed. 'Anything, Harry why don't we talk about what we love about each other?'

It was my turn to sigh. 'Alright let's see. I'll start with describing what I love about you.'

'Well that was the general idea: you describing what you love about me and I doing the same about you.'

'Blah', I said throwing his head back. 'I love your body especially your –'

'Harry!'

'I was just being honest! Just kidding', I said and smiled. 'What I love the most about you is your seriously mysterious personality. You are so unreadable at times that I find it secretly appealing. I mean, I could just shout at you and you'd stand there staring at me something dancing in your eyes and I wouldn't have a clue as to what it is. And then you'd tackle me or something to the floor...the bed', and I wiggled my eyebrows at him, 'I'd be like so scared thinking what you're going to do with me.'

He laughed then tried to maintain a serious face. 'What else?'

'Hmmm let's see', I said squeezing my chin, 'you have always had this way in kissing me that I always would remember ever since the first time we kissed...well I kissed you and then you kissed me back in Hogwarts. It feels kind of weird telling you this but your tongue...the way you bite my lip and pull, your fingers –'

'You're only fulfilling one thing in describing my kissing method and that is you making me fully want to kiss you right now, Harry.'

'Just now', I said smiling. 'your smell...you smell so 'Severus Snapely'.'

'Oh honestly, Harry?' he asked peering in disbelief at me. 'Grow up!'

'A mixture of Perry Ellis with soap and a tinge of aftershave along with the smell of tablets and spices –'

'You are rambling', he said shaking his head. 'You're rambling and when you ramble you turn me on.'

'That's so weird but I'll just allow you to have your say in what you love about me.'

'I don't think that I have to think hard about that, Harry', Snape said leaning back and he took a sip of wine. 'You are unpredictable; you never cease to amaze me that is. And then the other thing that amazes me about you is the fact that Harry, you don't even have to try hard to turn me on. You know everything to do to drive me crazy, send me over the edge and back again only to revive me once more. I can't help but feel that the chemistry I feel when I am with you is something so unique.'

'In other words I don't make you feel as old as you are', I said trying to tease him but he maintained a serious face. 'I mean, you aren't old...but –'

'Oh shut up', he said seriously.

'But one thing I also love about you is that you can't stay angry at me for too long.'

'You little devil.'

'Ex Death Eater.'

'Insufferable sex maniac.'

I laughed. 'That hit home but when I think of you being under me as I make out with you I want to smile.'

'I repeat: sex maniac.'

'You know I feel so hurt now I feel obliged to do it all over again just to feel better.'

'Shut up and kiss me', he said taking my hand and he tried to pull me towards him but I pulled back.

'No.'

'Don't make me use force.'

'Is that all you got?'

'Come here', he said pulling me unto him and he began to kiss me hungrily. 'I love it when you get all talkative, Harry', he said pulling away. 'Leaves me with time to take control of you.'

'I love it when you radish my mouth. But we must eat.'

'Eat?' he asked pulling away and looking at me.

'Yes', I said reaching over to a far side of the wall and I opened a door revealing two bowls of spaghetti along with meat balls and sauce. 'The wine was delicious but not enough. Besides you need to eat to gather back your strength!'

I watched him eat slowly as I continued to ramble off.

'You see the thing with the Ministry is this: they expect me to work all the time and yet I don't get a raise in pay just because I'm the famous Harry Potter.' I spooned more spaghetti into my mouth then chewed.

'Well maybe they are silently contemplating the fact that you are not _that_ famous anymore. You are like any other wizard.'

'But I don't _want_ to be like any other wizard', I said.

Snape kept his eyes on me and chewed. 'When you were being flourished with fame you detested such a thing and now you desire it all over again?'

'After all I've been through just imagine this: I was doing a examination the other day dealing with working defence spells and they had to go extra hard on me. I mean come on! I know all of that shit and yet they choose to go the same mile for me as they do for the other Aurors.'

'Harry they are just being lenient and fair.'

'They are being hard on me just to prove a point.'

'Just observe it this way: it was just as it was when you were younger and in school. Your teachers including me saw it necessary to train you taking you an extra mile ahead. We chose to work hard with you making sure that you knew exactly what to do. Therefore, we were making sure that you were a bit more ready than others your age. You can never be too sure', Snape said and he took a sip of his wine.

'So I'm still like wanted or something?' I asked watching him carefully in the candlelight.

'You can never tell, Harry. There were many Death Eaters out there who were never captured and they might just be after you.'

I sighed. 'I will always be a marked man, Sev. I don't like it.'

'And yet you still want to be famous.'

'I was just saying...'

'I know', he said softly. 'Everyone wants fame. But I would have thought that you would be satisfied enough with the amount of fame I shower you with every day. The difference between me and those crazy fans out there who believe you to be some celebrity is simple: they are obsessively in love with you whereas I am deeply and truly in love with you. I love you with my heart and they love you with their minds.'

I couldn't help but blush. 'You might be surprised that most of them do love me with their hearts. But I only care about you', and I laughed. 'Hell if I didn't know better I would have remained single all these years just to enjoy the celebrity life. But it's not something I always wanted. I just always desired to be with someone who I would never get bored of nor fall out of love with.'

'And that might be me I think', Snape said slowly, trying to tease me. I only laughed once more.

We ate on for awhile with me silently thinking of how I would do what I planned to do further. And then I had an idea. Suddenly appearing as if I was interested in something out in the distance I peered after it, screwing up my eyes and forehead. On impulse he followed my eyes. I then did what I had to do.

'Strange huh?'

'What's strange?' he asked peering after me.

'That lake: I've never seen it before in my life. You?'

He shrugged. 'Neither me but I guess it's one of those things that people take for granted and never seek after it.'

'I'd never take you for granted', I said smiling at him. 'Never because you're more than enough to love and keep loving.'

'All sweet words you have in store just for me.' And he smiled then reached out for his glass. I watched as he lifted it to his lips and drained it, the wine slipping between his lips. He then stopped midday and held out the glass. 'What is... ?'

'What is what?' I asked watching him take out the gold ring from inside the glass. My eyes were shining with mischief.

'This', he said picking it up with his finger and holding it up to me. Our eyes met and then he was smiling. 'Harry!'

Taking the ring from his between his fingers I got up and went around to his side of the table. 'Alright', I said clearing my throat, 'I don't know how men do it, how they go about doing this sort of thing...I mean I don't know who is supposed to be the one to do this but I will. It's kind of weird but...here goes.'

'Harry', he said softly as he smiled and his eyes became moist with tears. I took his left hand into mine and knelt down in front of him on my right knee then I forgot which knee I was supposed to kneel on. In the end I chose to kneel on my left knee, keeping my eyes on him.

'I love you Severus Snape. I have always loved you ever since I was this freckled face teenager who allowed his hormones to have the best of him', he laughed. 'I have loved you in times when there was nothing else in my mind but doubt about you: thoughts of you being the bad one, the one who had lied and was against me. And I have never actually gotten this out of my mind but I owe you an apology for confronting you in that bad way as I did five years ago calling you a coward and such –'

'Harry you don't have to say you're sorry for that', he said softly squeezing my hand. 'I understand that.'

'Just have to get it off my chest. Since that day I left you there dying I thought that I'd never see you again. I couldn't stop thinking about you, wondering where you were and what happened to you after. Let's just say I went through hell after that. And in between feeling extremely bad about myself and extremely heaven like...I have found you once again. And I don't want to ever let you go again. I don't want to spend my life without you by my side. If someone had showed me this memory and said this is what I'd be doing in years to come back when I was in first year at Hogwarts I would have laughed but here goes...Severus Snape will you be my partner for life?'

**(Snape)**

I was crying, my insides feeling as if everything within me was being squeezed together by this feeling of terrible excitement and nervousness. I couldn't believe that he was doing this: he was on his knee and had my left hand in his whilst he held the ring ready to slip it onto my finger. This was something I had never ever envisaged.

I always believed there wasn't a happily ever after for me. There wasn't this moment where I could feel like the centre of someone's life: that person believing that I was the only one for them and there was no one else. This feeling was extremely wonderful to me: new but sincere and honestly divine. It was what I always wanted. This right here was something that would make anyone feel superbly wanted and never alone.

And it had all ended one year and had commenced less than a month after we had reached each other once again.

But one would immediately dare utter that Severus Snape doesn't cry! He isn't capable of such emotion involving tears and heartfelt happiness. What is this we are witnessing now? A man breaking up due to being in love.

Love.

But that was it. It was love that could change anyone anywhere anyhow. Love changed me. It had changed me years ago when I had first fallen in love with him when he was a mere teenager. And it had continued to change me ever since, forcing me to rethink who I truly am...what I wanted and what I felt.

I used my left hand to caress his face, trailing my fingers down his right cheek and down his neck until I was at his shoulder. I was also smiling almost too broadly, my insides now feeling really mellow and bright with glee.

'I will be yours', I finally said and he blinked once then twice too many and opened his mouth then closed it. I had expected that. 'Will you use the ring or do I have to place it on your finger?'

'I...' and he laughed nervously, 'that was easy and...I'm still processing it but...wow!' He then slipped the ring unto my finger, keeping his eyes on mine as he did so. 'Forever and always, Severus.'

I ruffled his dark dishevelled hair and frowned. Something suddenly dawned on me. As he stood up to sit upon my lap and as we kissed slowly once more, I realised one thing that I hadn't noticed before.

Harry Potter wasn't wearing his glasses.

**The End!**

_A/N – Hey once again. I meet you now at the end of the story just to say a few things more. I thank you so much for sticking with me until the end and I know that I promised you more chapters but I'm sorry. I can't continue this story for some very stupid reasons. I have suddenly blanked out on carrying this further and I have become utterly discouraged with sequels...long sequels that is. Even though sequels carry many reviews I don't feel like writing them often. _

_On a last note though: those persons who have reviewed mostly I thank you so much for letting me know what you thought of what I wrote. And I want you to drop me a review to tell me how you liked the story. There will be an epilogue soon I promise you that._

_So later on! Bye!_


	17. Epilogue

Here it is...savour and enjoy. Reviews would be like a slice of sunshine on a rainy day

oOoOoOo

**Epilogue**

'I bet dad has the new video game I have been asking you for', Albus says to me as we walk along the brick laid pavement towards his father's house. 'I bet he has it all. I bet he –'

'You see this is the reason why I am just giving up and allowing you to go spend the summer with him', I say and I shake my head then sigh. 'You wouldn't stop nagging me about this wouldn't you?'

Albus ruffles his hair reminding me instantly of my ex husband and I can't help but smile. 'Why do you have to marry Dean Thomas? He's not right for you.'

'Hey', I say stopping just outside of our destination to look him in the eyes, 'Albus, I have to choose who is right for me. Someday you will understand but things aren't ever easy to go through with. I know you like him but you're just being difficult because I refuse to allow you to stay permanently with your dad. But what the –'

'...court says I have to do', he says finishing off, 'I know mom I know but I just love Severus more than Dean because he is so nice.'

'Because he spoils you rotten', I say frowning as we walked through the gate and under the arch. 'I dare say, I just hope you don't turn out as gay as your father because –'

'Momm!' he whines tugging at my hand. 'I don't like boys that way. I don't think dad is weird because of that because Severus is a cool guy. But don't say it like that!'

'I was only going to say that you'd break many girls' hearts if you end up being gay, Albus.'

He immediately blushes.

'I will tell your father about Alison who happens to call you twice too many and follows you around like a butterfly seeking out –'

'Momm!'

'Alright I'll just mention that you have a girlfriend then.'

'She's not my girlfriend; she's just a girl who is my friend.'

'That's what they all say', I note as we step up to the door. I reach out to press the buzzer hearing it play a melody somewhere within the big mansion before me.

And that's right. It was a mansion that he lived in now. It had been years since we left each other but I couldn't help but still admit that I loved him through and through. It had been almost fifteen years since he had married Snape...a man once our Professor. And they had still remained in love, terribly in love. I always wanted him to be happy and I had gotten my wish.

'Dad!' Albus exclaims as the dark eye dark dishevelled hair man pulls open the door. He is wearing a pair of green slacks with a white sleeveless vest. He is also wearing a huge ear to ear grin on his handsome face.

'Albus!' he says gleefully and they embrace. His eyes remain on me. 'Ginny, how are you?'

I stepp in and around him to enter the hallway. 'I'm good Harry.' I kiss him quickly on his cheek. 'As promised he's here and all yours. He can't wait to check out your video games collection.'

'Dad', Albus says on cue, 'do you have the newest version to - ?'

Harry frowns then beckons towards the living room. 'Why don't you go check it out?'

My little son disappears instantly as soon as Snape steps into the hallway from a side door that leads to the kitchen. He is wiping his hands on a red and white checker towel. Our eyes meet and notice that he is allowing his hair to grey out giving him an old yet sleek look. There are wrinkles around his dark eyes as he surveys me with a smile and I cannot help but feel warm and welcome.

'Professor', I say walking towards him.

'You haven't gotten over referring to me as Professor, have you Ginny?' he asks as we embrace.

'Imagine that she hugs you and has past me straight since she came in', Harry says from behind me. I turn to face him, sticking my tongue out.

'Jealous?'

'Oh no, no', he says smiling.

'Professor, how did the appointment go?' I ask as we step through the house and towards the outside balcony directly after the living room. My eyes rest on Albus who is flipping through Harry's video games collection and I smile.

We settle ourselves on lounge chairs as Snape turns to smile at me. 'There is good news.'

'Dear God', my eyes fly open, 'you don't mean...'

'Somehow', Harry picks up, handing me a glass of juice. I pass on him adding Vodka. 'The surgery proved to be more than successful. After a few year since he received the surgery, the cancer hasn't showed up again.'

'Wow', I say smiling instantly.

Birds chirp somewhere in the trees that surround the mansion and my thought move to picture Harry and Snape walking along the grounds hand in hand. There is a pathway that leads down a cut in the trees and I wonder if it leads to a lake or something where they'd spend their times together. I didn't feel jealous but what I did feel was as if somehow I had failed him. Whenever I'd voice that concern to him he'd reassure me that it was always Snape and he still loved me as much but I shouldn't think that it was my fault. We were best friends but...well now I had Dean so.

'If I can remember correctly Harry', I now say as I watch him throw a warm glance at Snape, 'I once told both of you that I got wonderful advice from Lupin years ago. I can remember him saying that love cures anything. Love is unstoppable and here is proof of it. Since you two have hooked up just look at what has happened. The cancer is gone and you now are both living such a wonderful life here together.'

'I remember him telling me that once', Snape says frowning. 'Yes it was him who told me that I must find back Harry to heal me.'

'So when's the children going to come?' I ask all of a sudden and they both stare at me. 'The little ones...the babies...?

'I...well we planned to adopt but for now I have Albus so...'

'You should adopt', I say now resting my glass down and getting up. 'I have to meet Dean down town to grab lunch. I would love to stay but...'

'You always leave just when we are getting into a nice conversation', Snape says frowning. 'Do come back sometime sooner than the end of summer.'

'I will', I say as they get up to walk me out. And when I was at the door I turn to Snape then lean in. 'Do me a favour and go slow on spoiling the little devil that is within your living room will you?' I ask of him and he laughs. 'I just can't keep up with your rate of showering him with gifts and love.'

He ruffles my hair that I had cut into a pixie cut recently. 'I will try.'

Kissing Harry lightly on his cheek and finally giving him the hug I make my way out of the house and away from them.

**Thanks you **


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